(A/N): WARNING: To some if not most readers, the following chapter(s) maybe
be a little crude if not out and out brutal. Keep in mind that the author
is not a man-hating, evildoer, nor is she the devil, but she does
occasionally play poker with him. Last time I won his pitchfork!... That
maybe where the inspiration to write this fic came from.... Hmm...
Seriously, I have to take a time out to address some of my readers:
Malefiscen: Hmmm. You may have something there. It would explain why I only seem to update once a month! Lol.
Jojo: This chapter shows both the girls and the boys reaction. Plus, we get to see what the Brother hood think. Muwhahahaha. Glorious, isn't it?
SperryDee: Thanks for reviewing. I know you wanted an update sooner but writer's block is a serious thing. Especially when you try to cure it with an ice cream headache. It just leaves you cold achy. And your muse just shakes their head at your stupidity. I know what you mean. Scott hopping up the stairs with his whole body up his sleeve is classic.
The Rogue Raven: Thanks for the review and I hope this chappie doesn't disappoint.
Dee Bryant: Woohoo! You added me to your favorites. Bitchin'! Thanks! Tell your Cricket Beta to cover his eyes and ears. Do crickets have ears? I've never seen them.
Chapter 4: Mystique's Cradle
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"X-Men. I am sure you all understand the dire situation we are in. Never before has our future been under attack as it is now. We must focus if we are to defeat the blue beast that has endangered our survival."
Everyone turned around to look at the newest addition to the family.
Tipping his glasses to the brink of his nose, he scowled. "The professor was not talking about me you inbred imbeciles!" Beast looked at everyone's shocked expressions and sighed, removing his glasses. He rubbed his eyes.
"I'm sorry everyone. I let the situation get the best of me. Please, carry on professor."
Xavier nodded. "Thank you Dr. McCoy. Now as I was saying, we must get Operation Castration appealed and reversed before mutantkind can be endangered any further."
Logan, Scott, Remy, Bobby and Pietor all grunted in agreement.
"I don't know why you're so angry, Pete. I mean you could just turn into steel before they start cutting." Rogue reasoned.
'Hallelujah' began to play in the Russian's head and he raised his head as if he had just had an epiphany. The other men glared at him and Bobby and Remy, who were on each side of him, punched him on both of his arms. He hardly noticed the duo hits and the relieved grin just became even goofier.
Seeing one of them happy was too much for Jubilee to bear.
"Ya know, Pete," The firecracker started. "If they were really determined, they could just take a blow torch and..."
"EEEEEECCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!" The MEN of X-MEN let out the loudest, most effeminate squeak, that any glass found within the room broke.
Suddenly, a large poof of blue wind *Bamfed* into the room.
"Excuse me." The usually chipper Kurt Wagner walked up to the table and tossed that day's mail in front of the women. His head hung low, much like his tail, which uncharacteristically dragged behind him on the floor. He sat in a chair in the corner, his knees hugged up to his chest as he rocked back and forth. Holding his tail in his hands and whimpering. Everyone just followed him with their eyes.
"Awwwwww...." The women mewed, feeling sorry for the blue saint.
Finally, Storm intervened, trying to calm the big, manly babies.
"Listen, GENTLEMAN," Storm stressed the term, using it loosely.
"We have to go into this situation thinking clearly so if you guys could please start thinking with the heads on top of your necks instead of the ones in your pants we'd be able to solve this problem sooner." Storm's voice was patient but like when dealing with most children, the patience in her voice was wearing thin.
Cyclops squeaked in indignation.
"Who are you to talk, Storm?! You're not the one who's being threatened! None of you are!" Scott pointed accusingly art all of the women. Suddenly he felt a hard smack on the back of his head and his head snapped forward.
"Owwww! What the hell was THAT?!"
~*~*~*~
Somewhere in Alkali Lake...
"Dumbass..."
~*~*~*~
"Everyone, please calm down." Xavier insisted, as he held his mug of coffee to his mouth to hide the smirk on his face. Whatever that was that smacked Scott upside his head felt eerily familiar...
They all hung heads in resignation, except Logan who began sniffing the air.
"Hey," Logan growled. "Wait a minute..."
Logan got out of his chair and sniffed his way next to Xavier. The Professor's eyes began to dart from side to side as he tried to look at Logan, bewildered.
"What?" Xavier asked, little beads of sweat beginning to accumulate on his bald head.
Suddenly, Logan grabbed Xavier's mug and took a swig, burping when he was done. The women's faces were contorted in disgust.
"This is Irish coffee!" Logan yelled. Xavier blanched.
Every mouth in the room dropped as they saw the man begin to sputter.
"Why, I... Hey! I'm stuck in this friggin chair and I'm STILL gonna get..." Xavier's face scrunched up. "...mutilated! You'd be drinking at 10 o' clock in the morning too if you were that screwed!"
The men in the room, once again, grunted in agreement.
"Goddess, you guys are pigs." Storm mumbled and reached for the mail. Her eyes widened as she saw four envelopes with Senator Kelly's return address.
"Uh, guys? I think there is something you need to see." The X-Men looked at Storm with confusion as she passed each envelope to the person they were addressed to. Herself, Rogue, Jubilee and Kitty. They opened their mail.
As each woman read their mail, the guys rolled their eyes.
"What was so important that you had to pull us away from such an important discussion?!" Scott asked, annoyed. "What were you sent? A free trial of some lady shaver or something? Owwww!" He felt another smack and turned his head around wildly and then back in front of him where Logan sat with what was formally Xavier's mug.
"I don't know how you did it, Logan but I know it was you!" Logan just smirked.
Storm glared. "Noooo, One eye. It's an invitation. Apparently Mystique is throwing a party..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
BaCk At ThE bRoThErHoOd....
"Pyro. You have to get up," Toad explained as he nudged the younger man with the toe of his boot. The little arsonist was lying on the floor in a fetal position. It had been two hours since they heard the news and each member of the Brotherhood was distraught, fearing that their little club would soon become a Sisterhood.
Each member was dealing with it in there own way:
Pyro was rocking back and forth, on the floor, in a fetal position, unable to forget the single most traumatizing event of his life. When he was a small child, with a thirst for adventure and a knack for wandering around, he accidentally walked in on his pet dog. Spike, as he was getting neutered. Needless to say neither dog nor owner ever looked at each other the same, again...
Toad was just as worried as any other man but he knew that with his tongue he'd never have troubling finding a girl.
Sabertooth was in what was once Mystique's room trying to find anything personally he could use to form a voodoo doll to torture her with. He didn't think he could make a doll from scratch but he did have his old stuffed Grover and he could work miracles with a needle and thread...
And their fearless leader, Magneto, was sitting at his desk, banging his head continuously as he chanted "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."
*
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. It was the theme to 'Angel' and it usually perked everyone up. However, today was the sad exception...
Toad leaped his way over Pyro and to the door. When he opened it, he was greeted by a very chipper mailwoman.
"Delivery!" She exclaimed with a ditzy looking smile. Toad nodded and signed for the four packages. As soon as he was done he slammed the door in the woman's face. He noticed that there was no return address so he shook the packages around and then shrugged, not giving it a second thought.
"Mail Callllll!!!!!" Toad yelled. After a few minutes he realized no one was coming so he jumped and leaped into each room to give each of his brother's their package. When he was done, he sat down in his room, on his bed. His legs were crossed Indian-style and opened his package. After he saw it, he promptly fainted, falling head first off of his bed.
In the package was a small model of Kermit the frog standing in front of a guillotine. As if it were on a timer, the sharp blade dropped, butchering the well-loved children's puppet.
~*~*~*
"Ow! God damn needle!" Sabertooth yelled as he tried in vain to thread the needle but accidentally tuck himself instead. Unfortunately, his claws kept him from reaping the benefits of using thimbles. Frustrated, he threw down the needle and thread as he sucked the pad of his index finger in his mouth. He opened his package, and saw what appeared to be documents. His large black eyes darted across the sheets and when he finished he, too fainted, crumbling to the floor.
It was a form from a veterinarian's office. Guess what operation he was scheduled to get...
~*~*~*~*
"Stupid, stupid, stupid..." Magneto chanted. He knew better than anyone else did exactly what Mystique was capable of and he STILL managed to screw everything up! Deciding that adding to the migraine that hearing about Operation: Castration had already caused was not going to help the situation. Sighing he reached for the package and opened it slowly.
What he unveiled was the most innocent yet horrifying thing he'd ever seen....
It was a brand new Newton's Cradle. He'd been meaning to by another since Pyro accidentally melted his previous one. Magneto smiled as he pulled back one ball and watched it hit the others. The last one rocking back and then the others to knock the first one back into the air. This continued as a letter caught Magneto's eye. Her pulled it out and began to read:
Dear Magneto;
Enjoy your new present because when I'm done with you, much like that cradle, I'll have your balls by my strings....
Maliciously,
Mystique
And with that, The Lord of the Steel fainted...
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Blonde hair and a brown UPS uniform melted away into blue, scaly skin as Mystique sat in her helicopter. The laptop in front of her held the limp bodies of her former peers, using her know-how to tap into their security cameras. She had a bag of guacamole Doritos on her lap and was having a good time watching the Brotherhood fall under her wrath.
"Oh, I gotta save this! Muwhahahahahahaha!!!!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(A/N): It's not as funny as I thought it'd be. How sucky. (Pouts and looks at readers with big, sorrowful eyes) I'll try harder next time.
R&R Please
And go sign a Saving Angel petition at SavingAngel.org.
Because I learn everything I need to know about writing, singing Barry Manalow and killing demons from Joss Whedon....
Seriously, I have to take a time out to address some of my readers:
Malefiscen: Hmmm. You may have something there. It would explain why I only seem to update once a month! Lol.
Jojo: This chapter shows both the girls and the boys reaction. Plus, we get to see what the Brother hood think. Muwhahahaha. Glorious, isn't it?
SperryDee: Thanks for reviewing. I know you wanted an update sooner but writer's block is a serious thing. Especially when you try to cure it with an ice cream headache. It just leaves you cold achy. And your muse just shakes their head at your stupidity. I know what you mean. Scott hopping up the stairs with his whole body up his sleeve is classic.
The Rogue Raven: Thanks for the review and I hope this chappie doesn't disappoint.
Dee Bryant: Woohoo! You added me to your favorites. Bitchin'! Thanks! Tell your Cricket Beta to cover his eyes and ears. Do crickets have ears? I've never seen them.
Chapter 4: Mystique's Cradle
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"X-Men. I am sure you all understand the dire situation we are in. Never before has our future been under attack as it is now. We must focus if we are to defeat the blue beast that has endangered our survival."
Everyone turned around to look at the newest addition to the family.
Tipping his glasses to the brink of his nose, he scowled. "The professor was not talking about me you inbred imbeciles!" Beast looked at everyone's shocked expressions and sighed, removing his glasses. He rubbed his eyes.
"I'm sorry everyone. I let the situation get the best of me. Please, carry on professor."
Xavier nodded. "Thank you Dr. McCoy. Now as I was saying, we must get Operation Castration appealed and reversed before mutantkind can be endangered any further."
Logan, Scott, Remy, Bobby and Pietor all grunted in agreement.
"I don't know why you're so angry, Pete. I mean you could just turn into steel before they start cutting." Rogue reasoned.
'Hallelujah' began to play in the Russian's head and he raised his head as if he had just had an epiphany. The other men glared at him and Bobby and Remy, who were on each side of him, punched him on both of his arms. He hardly noticed the duo hits and the relieved grin just became even goofier.
Seeing one of them happy was too much for Jubilee to bear.
"Ya know, Pete," The firecracker started. "If they were really determined, they could just take a blow torch and..."
"EEEEEECCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!" The MEN of X-MEN let out the loudest, most effeminate squeak, that any glass found within the room broke.
Suddenly, a large poof of blue wind *Bamfed* into the room.
"Excuse me." The usually chipper Kurt Wagner walked up to the table and tossed that day's mail in front of the women. His head hung low, much like his tail, which uncharacteristically dragged behind him on the floor. He sat in a chair in the corner, his knees hugged up to his chest as he rocked back and forth. Holding his tail in his hands and whimpering. Everyone just followed him with their eyes.
"Awwwwww...." The women mewed, feeling sorry for the blue saint.
Finally, Storm intervened, trying to calm the big, manly babies.
"Listen, GENTLEMAN," Storm stressed the term, using it loosely.
"We have to go into this situation thinking clearly so if you guys could please start thinking with the heads on top of your necks instead of the ones in your pants we'd be able to solve this problem sooner." Storm's voice was patient but like when dealing with most children, the patience in her voice was wearing thin.
Cyclops squeaked in indignation.
"Who are you to talk, Storm?! You're not the one who's being threatened! None of you are!" Scott pointed accusingly art all of the women. Suddenly he felt a hard smack on the back of his head and his head snapped forward.
"Owwww! What the hell was THAT?!"
~*~*~*~
Somewhere in Alkali Lake...
"Dumbass..."
~*~*~*~
"Everyone, please calm down." Xavier insisted, as he held his mug of coffee to his mouth to hide the smirk on his face. Whatever that was that smacked Scott upside his head felt eerily familiar...
They all hung heads in resignation, except Logan who began sniffing the air.
"Hey," Logan growled. "Wait a minute..."
Logan got out of his chair and sniffed his way next to Xavier. The Professor's eyes began to dart from side to side as he tried to look at Logan, bewildered.
"What?" Xavier asked, little beads of sweat beginning to accumulate on his bald head.
Suddenly, Logan grabbed Xavier's mug and took a swig, burping when he was done. The women's faces were contorted in disgust.
"This is Irish coffee!" Logan yelled. Xavier blanched.
Every mouth in the room dropped as they saw the man begin to sputter.
"Why, I... Hey! I'm stuck in this friggin chair and I'm STILL gonna get..." Xavier's face scrunched up. "...mutilated! You'd be drinking at 10 o' clock in the morning too if you were that screwed!"
The men in the room, once again, grunted in agreement.
"Goddess, you guys are pigs." Storm mumbled and reached for the mail. Her eyes widened as she saw four envelopes with Senator Kelly's return address.
"Uh, guys? I think there is something you need to see." The X-Men looked at Storm with confusion as she passed each envelope to the person they were addressed to. Herself, Rogue, Jubilee and Kitty. They opened their mail.
As each woman read their mail, the guys rolled their eyes.
"What was so important that you had to pull us away from such an important discussion?!" Scott asked, annoyed. "What were you sent? A free trial of some lady shaver or something? Owwww!" He felt another smack and turned his head around wildly and then back in front of him where Logan sat with what was formally Xavier's mug.
"I don't know how you did it, Logan but I know it was you!" Logan just smirked.
Storm glared. "Noooo, One eye. It's an invitation. Apparently Mystique is throwing a party..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
BaCk At ThE bRoThErHoOd....
"Pyro. You have to get up," Toad explained as he nudged the younger man with the toe of his boot. The little arsonist was lying on the floor in a fetal position. It had been two hours since they heard the news and each member of the Brotherhood was distraught, fearing that their little club would soon become a Sisterhood.
Each member was dealing with it in there own way:
Pyro was rocking back and forth, on the floor, in a fetal position, unable to forget the single most traumatizing event of his life. When he was a small child, with a thirst for adventure and a knack for wandering around, he accidentally walked in on his pet dog. Spike, as he was getting neutered. Needless to say neither dog nor owner ever looked at each other the same, again...
Toad was just as worried as any other man but he knew that with his tongue he'd never have troubling finding a girl.
Sabertooth was in what was once Mystique's room trying to find anything personally he could use to form a voodoo doll to torture her with. He didn't think he could make a doll from scratch but he did have his old stuffed Grover and he could work miracles with a needle and thread...
And their fearless leader, Magneto, was sitting at his desk, banging his head continuously as he chanted "Stupid, stupid, stupid..."
*
Suddenly, the doorbell rang. It was the theme to 'Angel' and it usually perked everyone up. However, today was the sad exception...
Toad leaped his way over Pyro and to the door. When he opened it, he was greeted by a very chipper mailwoman.
"Delivery!" She exclaimed with a ditzy looking smile. Toad nodded and signed for the four packages. As soon as he was done he slammed the door in the woman's face. He noticed that there was no return address so he shook the packages around and then shrugged, not giving it a second thought.
"Mail Callllll!!!!!" Toad yelled. After a few minutes he realized no one was coming so he jumped and leaped into each room to give each of his brother's their package. When he was done, he sat down in his room, on his bed. His legs were crossed Indian-style and opened his package. After he saw it, he promptly fainted, falling head first off of his bed.
In the package was a small model of Kermit the frog standing in front of a guillotine. As if it were on a timer, the sharp blade dropped, butchering the well-loved children's puppet.
~*~*~*
"Ow! God damn needle!" Sabertooth yelled as he tried in vain to thread the needle but accidentally tuck himself instead. Unfortunately, his claws kept him from reaping the benefits of using thimbles. Frustrated, he threw down the needle and thread as he sucked the pad of his index finger in his mouth. He opened his package, and saw what appeared to be documents. His large black eyes darted across the sheets and when he finished he, too fainted, crumbling to the floor.
It was a form from a veterinarian's office. Guess what operation he was scheduled to get...
~*~*~*~*
"Stupid, stupid, stupid..." Magneto chanted. He knew better than anyone else did exactly what Mystique was capable of and he STILL managed to screw everything up! Deciding that adding to the migraine that hearing about Operation: Castration had already caused was not going to help the situation. Sighing he reached for the package and opened it slowly.
What he unveiled was the most innocent yet horrifying thing he'd ever seen....
It was a brand new Newton's Cradle. He'd been meaning to by another since Pyro accidentally melted his previous one. Magneto smiled as he pulled back one ball and watched it hit the others. The last one rocking back and then the others to knock the first one back into the air. This continued as a letter caught Magneto's eye. Her pulled it out and began to read:
Dear Magneto;
Enjoy your new present because when I'm done with you, much like that cradle, I'll have your balls by my strings....
Maliciously,
Mystique
And with that, The Lord of the Steel fainted...
~*~*~*~*~*~*
Blonde hair and a brown UPS uniform melted away into blue, scaly skin as Mystique sat in her helicopter. The laptop in front of her held the limp bodies of her former peers, using her know-how to tap into their security cameras. She had a bag of guacamole Doritos on her lap and was having a good time watching the Brotherhood fall under her wrath.
"Oh, I gotta save this! Muwhahahahahahaha!!!!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
(A/N): It's not as funny as I thought it'd be. How sucky. (Pouts and looks at readers with big, sorrowful eyes) I'll try harder next time.
R&R Please
And go sign a Saving Angel petition at SavingAngel.org.
Because I learn everything I need to know about writing, singing Barry Manalow and killing demons from Joss Whedon....