Disclaimer: I do not own Third Watch or any of the characters. If I did I wouldn't be praying for my student loans to come through for another year of school....I only own the character at the end of this story.
A/N: This is the first story I've ever posted anywhere, and when I posted it to a LJ challange it got a couple encouraging comments, so I thought I'd branch out. Also, the events at the end of this story could be a tie-in to another story, let me know if you think it's worth continuing!
Summary: Alex's thoughts as she looks down on someone special she left behind.
Spoilers for the episode she died in.
I've been in this place for a while now, but exactly where this place is, I'm not sure. The last thing I remember before being here was the accident that killed me.
I've talked to my father here, he's been around to give me some assistance, and even though everything seems so real I know it's not. I know I'm dead, but there's just something about this place that doesn't seem right, and that I should still be back in the real world with everyone else. With him. My father's not the only one I've talked to since I've been here. Lieutenant Johnson has been around from time to time and Bobby stops in occasionally. I even saw Bosco's brother, Mikey, a few times, even though we only met once.
I tried so hard to get back to the real world when I first discovered myself here, but my father was there to tell me it wasn't possible. He was able to help me figure out that I needed to make peace with my sudden passing just as much as the ones left behind needed to. At that time the only person I could think about was Billy. We had been seeing each other secretly for months and had just come to the decision to let the others know about us and take our relationship further when I was killed. My father explained that I needed to find my own way to help my family and friends make peace with my death so I could go on to the next phase for whatever this is here. In the beginning I didn't know that I could "look down" ,as he calls it, and see the others, make sure they were doing ok. I thought that if I couldn't physically be with Billy in the world of living people, then I could watch over him from wherever I was and it would be enough, I wouldn't have to leave him a second time.
There are many people who know the pain of someone they're in love with dying, but I guess no one ever realized that the dead hurt just as much. I felt like Billy was taken away from me instead of the other way around. I know now that it was incredibly selfish of me, but for a time I thought that if I didn't help Billy try to heal his pain then I wouldn't really have to leave him again. I may not have been able to actually touch him, but I was able to stand in front of him when he was sitting in his recliner at the firehouse, staring off into space and I knew he was thinking of me, of things we used to do. And I was there, sitting on his bed when he would wake up gasping in terror in the middle of the night reaching for the spot where I would sleep, curled into his body. I would silently watch as the tears would spill over his soft brown eyes as he clutched his pillow to his chest, slowly at first then faster until he was sobbing so hard he couldn't quite catch his breath. I hated to see the man I loved so much hurt like that, but I was too stubborn to take the leap and help him move on. I thought that if he was able to get past my dying then he would find someone else right away and never even think of me again.
A few weeks after I died, when I was still figuring my way around here, I found that I was able to see into Billy's dreams. It happened without warning one night; I had been sitting on his bed, watching him while he slept, and trying so hard to touch him. I had passed my hand over his head, trying to feel his blonde hair again, when I was suddenly taken somewhere else.
Looking around, I was surprised to see the scene of the accident that had killed Johnson and me. I was standing beside Billy as he tried to put out the flames on one of the cars and heard Johnson scream at me to get off the car. I couldn't get down, had to prove that I could do my job, was too stubborn to listen to the voice of reason. I was right beside him when Billy turned his attention from the hose in his hands and muttered to himself,
"Alex, love, get off the car before we have to argue about this tonight and my surprise for you is ruined."
It was at that point that I realized the scene playing before me wasn't some kind of time warp back to the accident, it was a memory. I watched as Billy heard the explosion and dropped the hose, turning to see me fly through the air, a hand going up to cover his horrified face. I could see him start to run, hear the strangled gasp as he saw the two halves of my body on the road, and then I was abruptly brought back to reality. Watching Billy come out of that nightmare, screaming my name as he woke up in tears was too much to bear. I had to get out of his room, needed to talk to my father about what was happening.
My father and I ended up having a long conversation about what was happening. Dad wanted me to help Billy and was able to get me to see that I would never lose him, just as he would never lose me. I would always be in his memory and could always watch over him, kind of like a guardian angel, but different. It was then that I decided to put the past in the past and move on with whatever laid ahead of me. Knowing that my father would be there to help me gave me the push I needed to go on. Gathering up my courage I decided to be brave one more time, just as he had taught me to do.
I went into Billy's room the next night and knowing how to enter his dreams, I sat down next to him and watched his face relaxed in sleep. I allowed myself to reflect on our relationship, short as it was, while I waited for the signs that he was dreaming. We had our first kiss in this apartment, on his couch when we were both drunk from a night out at Haggarty's one night, and alot of other firsts in this place as well. We had never intended for our relationship to reach the level it had or fall in love with each other, but it had happened anyway. I think given the chance we could have been really good together. I could see his eyes start to move a bit under their lids, and before I could lose my nerve, I reached out for his head, felt my hand pass through nothingness and there I was, in his dream.
Looking around me I saw the familiar surroundings of Spruce Lake, the spot we used to come camping. Our usual campsite was just in front of me and I could smell the campfire that Billy would have made, I was always terrible at getting those things started. I walked through the small tree covered path and came out beside the bright red tent he had bought on the first trip. There he was, sitting on a log staring off into space, a hot dog roasting over the flames, nearly burnt.
"Hey, you're gonna lose your wiener, bucket boy." I said, walking to him.
"Alex? Is that you?" he looked up at me, wide eyed.
Nodding I sat down beside him, and went to take his hand, surprised when I was able to make contact with the warm flesh.
"It really is me Billy. I've missed you so much, but you need to move on, find a way to get on with your life. What you're doing now, it's not healthy." I whispered, tears starting to form in my eyes at the memories of seeing him so lost and defeated, even around the firehouse where he was so full of life.
A look of confusion passed over his face,
"How come this feels so real if I'm only dreaming? I mean, I know you're dead and this isn't real, but there's something different here." he wanted to know, squeezing my hand tightly.
"You are dreaming," I started to explain, looking at the trees in front of us, trying to get answers from them. "But I can see into your dreams, I found that out yesterday, and hopefully I can use this ability to bring you some peace. I've been with you the whole time that I've been gone," I continued, the words coming faster than I had intended.
"I've seen you have to deal with the whole thing, trying to put on a strong front for the guys down at the House, even when you told D.K. about us. I've seen you break down alone at home, and that one time D.K. came by a couple days ago. I couldn't leave you for a moment, Billy. I was so angry at first that I couldn't be there for you and didn't want to accept the fact that I was gone, but the nightmare you had last night changed that for me. I couldn't stand seeing you in so much pain and trying to hide it from the people around you. Billy, you need to find some closure to this. Talk more to D.K. about it, I know he wants nothing more than to help you through all this, he hates to see his best friend so upset all the time. Holding it in, transferring the hurt to anger and taking it out on Jimmy isn't the answer to any of this."
He turned to face me, "So, you saw the fight we got into?" he asked sheepishly.
"Yeah, it certainly wasn't one of your finer moments. Jimmy's just trying to do what he thinks is best, and he feels pretty lost himself. Johnson was really important to Jimmy, and he feels like he's letting all of you down right now. You need to find a way past all this and get on with your life. I know it won't be easy, I'm dead and I'm having a hard time with this."
"I'll try," he said softly, "but it's so hard without you there every day. I wake up in the middle of the night expecting to find you beside me and there's no one; I walk into work some days and swear I can hear you upstairs laughing with Kim over something ridiculous; and when I'm driving the engine, I find myself checking the rear view mirror to see if you're in your regular seat wisecracking with Jimmy and Lombardo. Each time it hurts a little more realizing I've lost you."
"Billy," I can see the emotion in his eyes and feel a lump rising up in my throat, "you haven't lost me. I'm right here, in your heart, and I can look in on you whenever I want to. I can't physically be next to you for the next eighty years we were planning on, but I can still watch over you and try to see that you keep out of trouble." I finished, smiling through the tears I was feeling myself.
"Promise you'll always be there watching?" he asked with a hopeful look in those soft eyes.
"Promise." I said, leaning over to kiss him on the forehead. "I need to go now, Billy, but keep up your end of the deal, ok? I'll try to work on giving you some signs that I'm still here."
Standing up and holding out his hand to me, Billy walked me to the edge of the campground in silence and I could still hear the pop and sizzle of the fire behind us.
"How will you give me signs?"
"I'm not really sure, I'm still trying to figure everything out where I am, but when I do, you'll know it. I'll make sure of that."
"I'll miss you every day, Alex." he said, taking my chin in his hands and pulling me in for one last kiss.
Letting myself enjoy the sensation of Billy's lips on mine one last time, I didn't respond when he pulled away, instead I tried to seal the feeling of happiness into my heart. I knew I wouldn't be able to return to his dreams more than once or twice more, if that, it was making me feel too raw and open.
"I'll miss you every day too, Billy." I whispered, turning to walk away.
"Alex!"
I couldn't turn around now, couldn't look back to see his round cheeks red and stained with fallen tears or look into those velvet brown eyes again. Lowering my head, I called out, "What?"
"I promise to pull myself back together. If you're going to be watching, I want you to be happy with what you see."
That was the last time I entered Billy's dreams, and it's been almost two years. The night that I came back to this place Bobby was waiting for me and we had a really good talk. I've been spending quite a bit of time with him and was able to help him say his final good-bye to Kim. When he had told Kim he was proud of how she was getting things back together with her life, he also asked her to keep an eye out for Billy. Bobby never told her why, and Billy had never told anyone except for D.K. about us, but we both saw Kim go up to Billy the day after her dream. They were able to talk to each other about losing someone they loved and have become really good friends since, making Wednesday mornings their regular day to get together for coffee and catch up on things.
It was one of those Wednesday mornings that Bobby and I decided to look in on them while they were in a Starbuck's. A redhead girl of about twenty-six or twenty-seven was in line in front of them at the pick-up counter, Billy was standing too close behind her and when she turned around she ended up turning right into him, spilling her coffee on both of them. This, naturally, had Bobby and I in hysterics and I almost missed the look that passed between the redhead and Billy.
"Bobby," I said, pulling him with me as I walked closer to the three as they tried to mop up the mess. "look at that, there's something happening between Billy and this girl."
"Yeah, he's getting burned." Bobby joked, not able to stop laughing.
"No! Look closely, there's something passing between this girl and him when they look into each other's eyes." I insisted, as Billy looked up to tell the girl not to worry about the stain on his shirt and Kim chimed in that they could go back to her place. The girl could borrow one of Kim's shirts and Billy could change into one of Jimmy's. Again, I could almost see the electricity pass between the two as she agreed to Kim's idea.
"Wow," Bobby whispered as we watched them walk out into the sunny summer day.
"That's something new. You okay with this?" he wanted to know, looking deep into my eyes.
A slow smiled spread across my face at the thought of Billy finding someone who might possibly make him really happy again.
"Yeah, I am. I wasn't sure how I would feel once he met someone new, but it's been almost two years now. He's been alone long enough and I want him to move on in every way. There's something about that girl I can't quite put my finger on, Bobby, but I think she may be the one for him."
We walked through the park in the sunshine and for the first time since this whole ordeal started with the accident, I felt a true sense of peace and calm knowing that Billy wouldn't be alone much longer.
END