Gandalf's Magic Show
-Music and flashy lights, merging into one big spotlight that reveals Merry and Pippin standing on the stage-
Pippin: Hello, and welcome to Gandalf's Magic Show!!!
-Cheers and applause-
Merry: Now, old Mr G. isn't here today, so Pip and myself have...kindly offered to stand in for him...
Muffled cries from backstage: Help! Help! They're gatecrashing my show!!!
Merry: -cough- (aside to security guard) can't somebody go and shut him up?!
-Loud 'thwack', and muffled cries cease-
Pippin: Now, ladies and gentlemen. For my first trick, I shall proceed to pull a rabbit out of this hat!
Audience: oooooooooh
-Pippin produces hat with obvious bulge in the bottom, and pulls out a rabbit-
Merry: IT'S MAGIC!!!!!!!!!
Audience: -wild applause-
Merry: And that was just the first trick! Now, our friend Gimli will miraculously escape from a postman's sack in seconds!!!
-Big sack is carried onto stage, and dropped in the middle. Gimli is inside, cursing and wriggling. Within seconds, he slashes the side of the bag with his axe and proceeds to chase the two hobbits around the stage-
Gimli: AAAAAARGH!!! I'LL TEACH YOU FILTHY, GOOD FOR NOTHING HOBBITS TO TIE ME IN A SACK!!!
Pippin: uh...SECURITY!!! AAAAAAGH!!! CUT TO COMMERCIAL, CUT TO COMMERCI- -commercials commence-
---10 minutes later---
-Music and flashy lights begin the second part of the show, and focus on Pippin and Merry sitting on a coach to the side of the stage-
Pippin: Hello, and welcome to Merry and P-I mean, Gandalf's Magic Show. We apologise for the...difficulties...before the commercial break, the psychotic dwarf has now been sedated, and will not be bothered us again.
Merry: Thank you, Pippin. And now, here joining us today, we have Legolas Greenleaf, who is, we believe, a very accomplished magician.
-Legolas walks onto stage, accompanied by music, flashy lights and screams from the audience-
Pippin: So, Leggy, tell us about your area of magic.
Legolas: Ah well, you see, it not only takes an extortionate amount of time and money to keep myself looking this great, and I perform the same ritual every morning to keep every strand of hair in place, and my complexion perfectly smooth and blemish-free. My new book; Beauty Magic, is out to buy now, for only £15.99! -shakes hair in slow, exaggerated motion beneath the stage lights- Because I'm worth it!
Merry: And what about those leather pants?
Legolas: uh...what?
Merry: You know! Those leather pants you wore over to Aragorn's the other week...they were so tight, it must have taken an awful lot of magic to get into them!
Pippin: Heh, and they sure cast a spell on him! So what's your secret?
Legolas: -turning red- uh...I don't know what you're talking about...I have to go...
Pippin: Oh, so soon? You've shared your magic secrets with us; now let us share some of our tricks with you! GET HIM!
-Beefy security guards grab Leggy on each side, and chain him to a table-
Legolas: AGH! HELP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?!?! HE-ung... -is smacked on head by security guard-
Merry: Ladies and gentlemen!!!! For tonight's grand finale, me and Pippin will SAW LEGOLAS IN HALF!!!!!
Audience: -some gasp with fright, others cheers and scream-
Legolas: -Writhing around, trying to get free-
-Pippin picks up a saw slowly and ceremoniously. Legolas, by this time, has fainted. Pippin is just about to start sawing when--
Gandalf: -Bursting through stage doors- FOOL OF A TOOK!!! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!?!?!
Pippin: -points at Merry- it was him as well...
Gandalf: -Brandishes staff- It's a good thing I broke free from your dressing room in time...you could have killed him! -points at Legolas-
Merry: -Dodging staff- And we almost succeeded... -pouts- ...wait a second...Pippin? You chained him up in your dressing room????? You said you'd locked him in the basement...
Pippin: -coughs- -turns red-
Merry: Oh no way!!! Seriously you weren't going to-to- -breaks off into uncontrollable shivering- that is just WRONG!!! -Backs away from Pippin-
Gandalf: -Interrupting- You two are in serious trouble! Looks at camera WHY ARE YOU STILL FILMING??? CUT TO COMMERICAL!!!!!
-Screen goes blank-