- - -
"I didn't think this would happen again
No matter what I could do or say
Just that I didn't think this would happen again
With or without my best intentions
And whatever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who tries to win you over?
And whatever happened to a boyfriend
The kind of guy who makes love 'cause he's in it…"
- - -
Chapter Eleven: And Run
- Seventh Year -
Trying to move on is far more insanely difficult than most people let on. It's like trying to take those first steps. All wobbly and your feet can't seem to hold you up and it takes all the determination in the world to just stay standing. And you know you'll fall, but you attempt it anyway, and sure enough, you come crashing down. Sometimes quite painfully.
I'm learning to walk all over again.
And it's harder than I thought.
- - -
We've given up all pretenses. I hate him and he knows it. I hate him and I'm trying to know it.
We don't talk. Ever. They all find it odd. I can tell. The sidelong glances. The curiously arched eyebrows. That look that is just begging me to explain. I don't even think Fred has told George. About us. The beginning and its subsequent fall-out. And that's saying something. Really saying something. Those two share everything. A bedroom, DNA, their secrets, their schemes, their escapades. Every sordid little detail.
Boys.
Katie and Alicia think I have fallen completely off my rocker and have gone past the point of being completely unhealthy. They think something is severely wrong with me. And maybe there is. It's called rejection. I've let it ruin me.
And I'm sick of it.
I look in the mirror and am disgusted with myself. Wonder what happened to the original me. The me that was optimistic most of the time and just smiling and content with the life I was leading. The me that didn't question a person's motivations, who could eagerly take things at face value. The me that didn't believe in cynicism and thought love was a real emotion. The innocent me, the naïve me. The happy me.
Now all I see is a whining, pathetic little mess who let a boy completely unhinge her. Let her emotions and fears and issues cloud her personality. A girl getting frighteningly close to rock bottom and who wouldn't know a helping hand if it slapped her across the face. Which may be exactly what she needs.
I'm everything I ever stood against…
I don't like what I've become. I fear what I've become.
- - -
"Hey, Ange. Remember that one guy I was telling you about a while back?" She looks at me over her glass of pumpkin juice.
The guy she told me about…Merlin, there have been so many it's impossible to guess. Quidditch players and prefects, Ravenclaws and Hufflepuffs. Brains and jocks and purebloods; shy boys, loud boys, boys in between.
Katie is my own personal match-making service.
"Ummmm…" My mouth is full and I'm hoping that she'll take this as my answer and elaborate from here.
She does. I know her better than she thinks I do.
"That Hufflepuff. Seventh year. You talked to him for a little. Good looking. Sweet. Smart. Funny." She's looking at me, waiting for me to remember. I pretend I do just to appease her. Honestly, he's lost in a sea of faces and mindless conversations. I couldn't fish him out to save my life.
She arches an eyebrow. "His name is Ryan." Ryan. A normal name among all the strange wizarding ones that clutter up one's tongue.
"Ryan," I repeat. Learning to speak for the first time.
"Yes. Ryan. And he's way into you." She leans in, conspiratorially. "He was telling me about it the other day in Herbology. He thinks that you are so pretty and he would love to talk to you again." Hmmm. If he wants to talk to me so bad, then why is he speaking through Katie? Whatever. I need to stop doing this. Over-thinking. Over-analyzing. My brain may catch fire. And that will surely freak Katie out.
"Really." All I can say. I don't really give a fuck about this Ryan.
But he likes me. He thinks I'm pretty. He wants to talk to me. And I have to move on. I have to move on. I have to move on. I have to.
I take a deep breath. I know this plunge is going to hurt. "Tell him I'm interested."
I'm underwater and have forgotten how to breathe.
- - -
I'm in Herbology with my hands covered in dragon hide as I dig around in dirt. I have never liked this class much. Too easy for my tastes. Too boring.
And this Ryan chap is here. Across the way. Been making eyes at me the entire class period.
He is attractive. Blue eyes. Dark hair. A slightly tan complexion. I remember him now. He's smart. Not too smart, but smart enough. Gets good marks. Has lots of friends.
He will be my guinea pig. My experiment. My test.
I hope he doesn't mind.
The class is over not soon enough, and I pack up my things to leave. A shadow falls over me. I think it's him. And immediately kick myself, deep in the recesses of my mind. It's not. And I know this. But I think it's him anyway.
I look up. To Ryan.
I hate myself for being disappointed.
"Hey…" I can see the apprehension in his eyes. Hear the anxiety behind his words. He's nervous. I make him nervous.
This is slightly empowering.
"Hey." I hate this small talk shit, the small talk shit that is sure to come. The awkward greetings, the useless questions about the weather. Inquiring upon their well-being but not remembering the response.
Sure enough this all transpires.
He walks with me. Down to the Great Hall. Telling me about some concert tickets or something he has for the summer. And how his dad wants him to work for the Ministry. I must have asked him what he wants to do after he leaves Hogwarts. Funny. I don't seem to remember that.
And I don't know how I kept up my end of the conversation. I was curving under the weight of too many thoughts and too many crazed emotions to keep my mind on what he was saying. But I must have been doing a good job. He was chuckling and smiling appreciatively. Nodding his head, lost in rapt attention. Toward me.
I wish I could say it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. To know that a boy, a man, could look at me this way. It didn't. It made me feel guilty.
He's interchangeable in my mind. This Ryan, this Ryan could be any other Tom, Dick or Harry. He's my rebound. My fucking rebound.
Honestly, what have I become…
We enter the Great Hall, guilt consuming me by the minute. Guilt and shame. I look at him and deserve to die. Poor Ryan. Poor nice little Ryan.
I'm about to beg my leave of him, when I spot them. Him and her. The him and her that got me here in the first place. And I forget how to swallow, how to blink. There they are and here I am.
I have to move on. I have to move on. Just move on move on move on move on move on now.
I'm teetering on unsteady feet now. One step forward. Just one. One step forward.
"Meet me in the Astronomy Tower. Nine o'clock." I don't even bother phrasing it as a question. It's a statement. An order. A direct command from me. Meet me there. And I will come. And I will make you drag me along and away from him.
He smiles. He has a nice smile. I like that it reaches his eyes and they sort of light up. He's pretty to look at.
He walks away and I let out the breath I've been holding this entire time.
- - -
It's almost nine. And I'm slowly shuffling my way to the tower. Off to my execution.
I can't begin to explain the dread that is creeping under my skin. I don't understand it.
But I'm here and I have to move forward and can't look back and need to go on with my life. My sad little life.
I push the door open and step inside.
He's here already. Punctual. Another plus for Ryan. Ryan-who-has-no-last-name.
He's wearing a smile again. A slightly different one this time. The cat whose about to devour the canary kind of smile. I feel fear rather than exhilaration.
He's closing the distance between us and I squelch the desire to run. You have to do this. You have to. He likes you and you should like him and you can't remain in the past. He doesn't want you. And you don't want him. Anymore.
I try to smile but the idea doesn't seem to reach my lips. But he does. Reach my lips that is. And he's kissing me, and he's not bad, but he's kissing me and he's not him but he's kissing me and I wish it was him and he's kissing me and he's quite good and I'm letting him and I want him to stop but I don't because if he does then I have failed because I need to move on and I need to move one and I need for him to help me to move on.
So I let him. Do what he wants with me.
- - -
The sun is rising. And I haven't slept yet. I have been sitting on my bed, knees to chest, the entire night. Sitting with the curtains closed, slightly, letting the light attempt to filter in. Sitting and rocking and trying not to think.
I'm never going to see Ryan again. See him like that.
Yes, he was perfectly nice. A perfect gentleman. Polite. Courteous. Sincere. A good kisser…
I don't wish to ever think about that again.
The mission was a failure. My mission to break myself of him. To learn to walk, toddle away from him. I fell.
Ryan was a failure. A failure who made me feel disgustingly guilty. But I'll try again. Later. If I am anything, then I am perseverant. So I'll keep trying. Trying with a different boy for a different day of the week. Trying to find someone who can break the spell I let him put upon me.
I guess it's one step forward and ten steps back.
- - -
"And I can feel it in my bones
I'm gonna spend another year alone
It's fuck and run, fuck and run
Even when I was seventeen
Fuck and run, fuck and run…"
- - -
A/N: Song lyrics from Fuck and Run – Liz Phair.
I am really sorry that it took me so long to update. But when your own life is imploding around you, it's hard to update. But I will tell you know, it is my sad duty to inform you that updates will be becoming more and more infrequent. Summer is ending for me, and with that, my free time is ending considerably as well. It makes me terribly sad. But I will continue this story. Just not at the rapid pace I was going before.
As for this chapter…yes, I am well aware that Angelina sounds a bit of a slut. But she's my protagonist. My main character. And I don't want her to be perfect. I don't want her to be flawless and completely admirable. She's a teenage girl. A sad, rejected teenage girl. Of course she's going to fuck up and have her faults. Just warning you now. This chapter was more of a filler chapter. Connecting Point A to Point B. The next chapter may be a little like that as well. But the ending is all written out, and when I say ending, I mean last like 4 chapters. My favorites. And I can't wait to post them.
The reviews have been wonderful, and thank you all so much for sticking with me. Please, let me know what you think of this, and I promise I'll try to update soon.