A/N - I really really really apologize for the long period without updates. If you were keeping up with my other stories, you'll have realized I'm on an HP rampage - it's epic! It's been nearly four months! So I kinda shoved these LoTR stories on the backburner, but I will try to continue them soon. I'll roll the plotball a little farther along. Plotballs can be amusing, although mine are generally very heavy and ponderous. Especially this plotball. *shoves plotball* C'mon, roll, for Eru's sake! Roll! ROLL DAMN YOU! *shoves plotball so hard that she overbalances and falls. Plotball refuses to move* Grrrrrr.... Oh. Wait! Idea! I should put the plotball on a HILL! *looks proud of self*

Disclaimer - I own nothing, to my knowledge. Sometimes I think Gollum possesses my brain, but that's beside the point, isn't it?

Earth Is Doomed

"How did you know my name?" Elrond frowned, his dramatic eyebrows flaring higher. Ria resisted a manic urge to giggle.

"I've had a few - strange - visitors lately, Lord Elrond," she attempted to explain. "Most noteably a few people that you consider - err - evil. Namely, Gollum, and the Nazgul."

Elrond paled. "You are jesting."

"Nope, sorry, sir," Ria said. "It's the absolute truth. They're staying in my basement right now. Actually, they're not all that bad. The Nazgul are pretty friendly, for the most part - oh, except for the Squealer. He's pretty mad at me. Anyways, that doesn't matter. What matters is that you can't stay here in this grain elevator tonight, but I can't really bring you into the house because, quite frankly, Elrond, you look pretty odd for our world."

"Your world?" Elrond questioned sharply. "What do you mean? Is this not Middle-Earth?"

"Not Middle-Earth. It's Earth. Totally different. Um...I'll explain on the way back to my place." Ria's mind was going a thousand miles an hour. Putting in Elrond with the Nazgul and Gollum in her basement would be a mistake. But she couldn't just leave him out in the streets of Eyebrow! He might not be one of her favourite Tolkien characters, but he was an Elf-lord, and he was stuck on Earth with nowhere else to go. So what should she do?

She'd have to lie, majorly.

Ria and Elrond left the grain elevator, and Ria attempted to explain something about Earth to Elrond while still thinking of plausible lies she could tell her parents. She'd changed her mind. Elrond would have to be introduced to her parents. And she had a plan. She just hoped it would work.

"So last night Gollum showed up in my bedroom, and this afternoon the Nazgul appeared in the town museum, along with the Ring," Ria finished. "And now you show up. Lord Elrond, I can understand how the others got here, but what about you?"

Elrond shrugged. "I do not know. In the Undying Lands I wandered far and wide, and not long ago I discovered a small window in the air. You could not see it - rather, you felt it was there. I stepped through it and found myself in that dark, musty place -"

"The grain elevator."

"Yes, the grain elevator, whatever that is."

By this point the two had reached Ria's street. Ria stopped and turned to Elrond. His fine Elven robes looked extremely odd under the streetlight. "Ok. Here's the deal. Elrond, my house is just up ahead. I'll introduce you to my parents, but try not to say too much. I'll have to do most of the talking, but it is of utmost importance that we keep your real identity a secret. My parents won't understand. All you have to do is agree with whatever I say. And if they ask, which they will, tell them you're a local actor and your vehicle broke down out by the grain elevator, and you think the transmission's shot."

Elrond stared. "I do not know why I am trusting you, miss Ria, but it seems there is not much else I can do right now. It would be rude to refuse your hospitality, despite the nefarious methods we must resort to."

"Good. Now, just be nice and polite to my parents. Oh - and hide your pointy ears with your hair."

Elrond's eyebrows shot up even farther, but he did as Ria asked.

Ria opened the door and walked into the house.

"Oh, thanks, Ria," her mom said. She looked up, and her jaw dropped. "Ria, who's this?"

"Mom, this is Mr. -er- Rond," Ria made up hurriedly. Elrond's Elven regalia was having quite an effect on her mom, who was staring in absolute bewilderment. "His car broke down outside the elevator, so he's stuck in town for the night."

"Why is he here? Mr. Rond, couldn't you have stayed in the hotel?"

"No vacancy," Ria said quickly. She was getting to be quite the expert liar.

"Oh. Well, uh, Mr. Rond, I suppose we can - make up the guest room. You'll just be staying for one night, won't you?" It was a good thing her parents had generally kind hearts - at least, regarding anything human-looking and alive, and not undead, which Elrond fortunately was, unlike the Nazgul or Gollum.

Elrond nodded, his own face rather bewildered. But he hid it well. Good manners, Ria supposed. If you were an Elven lord you'd have to learn a lot of those.

The Elf-lord was very quiet as the Fawcetts went about making preparations for him. The only things he said were, "Thank you," and "Good night," when the room was ready. Then he went in and locked himself inside. Ria tried not to feel offended, knowing that if she was in the same situation, she would want to be by herself as well.

"Ria, who is that man? He dresses so very strange...yet, he looks almost familiar. He doesn't talk much, does he?"

"He's an actor, mom...he told me on the way here. He was just heading home from a play. I think he's a little shy, is all."

"Well, honestly, Ria, I wish you hadn't had to invite him here. You're leaving very early in the morning tomorrow for Ontario."

Ria had a sudden inspiration. "So is Mr. Rond, actually. Same flight, I asked. I think he may need to be driven in to the airport tomorrow. Can he come with us?"

"Well, I suppose so..."

"Great. Thanks mom, I'm sure he'll appreciate it." She gave her mom a quick kiss on the cheek then dashed off. For some strange reason, she felt it was essential to talk to the Nazgul and Gollum right now.

*~*~*

"We're doomed," Ria said despondently, hanging her head. She had just finished explaining to the others what had happened.

"Doomed?" Pennondo said. "Why do you say that?"

"How are we all going to get to Ontario without either of my parents finding out anything? What can we do to keep the Ring from being a threat in our world? How the hell do I keep you guys from being noticed and taken away if - no, when - the press finds out? Because they will, they're mad for news, and I can't stand the thought of what will happen if everything falls apart!" Ria was nearly in tears. The past couple days had been very stressful. Who did she have to trust? No one. "You can't do anything to look more normal, because a) you're undead wraiths, and b) a small slimy green guy who looks like he should have died hundreds of years ago. Elrond can look sort of normal if I borrow some of my dad's clothes for him to wear, but this is going to be impossible!"

"Not impossible, I think," Lhunath mused. "The Nazgul, we are skilled at bein' unseen and goin' unnoticed, we know what we are doin'. Don't fret your head about it, wee one."

Ria sniffled. "But I am."

"Whut waz all that about a sistar in Taranna?" Valin asked. "Can't yew send a messahge tuh her?"

She stared in disbelief, then slapped herself hard on the forehead. "I am such an idiot!" she groaned. Ria sprinted out of the room and was back a second later, carrying the cordless phone. She dialled her sister's number, and waited as it rung.

"What's that?" Pherthond asked.

"A phone. You can talk into it and give messages to people who are far away. Shh!"

"Hello?"

"Tan? It's Ria."

"Ri?" Her sister's voice grew warm. "Good to hear from you! What's up?"

"You're not going to believe this, Tanya."

"Why? Has something come up? Aren't you coming anymore?"

"No. On the contrary - Tan, you have to swear that you'll believe me, because every word is true -"

"I swear."

"Good." Ria proceeded to explain the events of the last couple days.

Silence from Tanya's end.

"Tan? Are you still there?"

Her sister gave a short, husky laugh. "I'm still here. Oh my god. You mean to say this is the absolute truth?"

"Yes. I'm sitting in a room surrounded by Nazgul right now."

"Oh my GOD!" Tanya's voice went up an octave. "OK, Tanya, think clearly. OK. So you've figured out how to get the Nazgul and Gollum here?"

"Yes. Elrond's a bit of a problem though."

"Does he really have those freaky eyebrows?"

"Yes!"

"Oh my god!" Tanya started laughing hysterically.

"Tanya, calm down, I need your help!"

"Sorry. Sorry. I'm having a bit of a nervous reaction. Can't really blame me though, can you? And you've managed to hide them all from Mom and Dad?"

"Except Elrond."

"Oh my god."

"Tanya, calm down. I thought you were the sensible one."

"I am! OK. Elrond. He needs a plane ticket, right? And let me guess - you're broke."

"Basically. No part-time job and Mom and Dad won't let me get my driver's license so I can go elsewhere."

"All right. Look, I'll hang up and go online. I'll order the ticket - hope the flight's not full - no, don't panic, it's not going to be! You'll get it tomorrow when you check through at the airport. Don't worry about what's going to happen when you're all here. I'll think of something."

"Tan, you're the best." Ria grinned.

"Wait. Did you say that Gollum still has the Ring?"

"He picked it up in the old Eyebrow museum."

Tanya groaned. "If the wrong people get their hands on it - Earth is doomed. Come to think of it, we may be doomed anyways."

"Definitely. What else do you think has been bugging me? Besides my visitors?"

"It sounds like I wasn't the only one having a nervous reaction," Tanya said. "Don't worry, Ri, everything's going to turn out just fine. Well, as fine as it'll get with those guys here. Just get calm and try not to think too much; it hurts when you've got too much to absorb."

"Tell me about it. See you tomorrow?"

"I'll be waiting to pick you up. 'Bye."

*~*~*

A/N - so Ria is forestalled from a nervous breakdown. Thank you Valin! *hugs Nazgul* *double-takes* OMG, I just hugged a Nazgul. @_@