Hi all!
Here´s a tiny fic that I hope will amuse you a bit. It´s rather different from my usual dark stuff ;-)
This was written in response to San´s Fic "All Graves Smell the Same" (which you don´t need to know to understand this one - I´d recommend it, though, it´s a fun read) ín which she insisted on making our favourite elf act a bit girly. This is my "revenge", lol.
This fic is dedicated to San - Happy Birthday, Queen of Horror!
Please feel free to review - I appreciate any comment!
Alinah
Rating: G
Disclaimer: Not mine (I´m sorry, Aragorn, I really am!!)
Warning: This is slightly AU towards the end and really silly sometimes...
What a Ranger Can Do
"I could do it, you know", Aragorn mused, looking up at the perfect summer sky.
"Hm?" Legolas inquired sleepily from next to him, not even bothering to open the eyes he had closed to keep out the blinding sun.
The two friends lay resting on the flower-showered meadow that decorated a large clearing in Mirkwood. The supposedly dreary forest did not at all live up to its reputation today, but appearances could be deceiving. Unfortunately, a certain young ranger had not learned that lesson yet.
"The challenge", the human insisted impatiently, rising to his elbows to glare at his elven friend. "The one you told me about this morning. I would like to try it."
A look of intense amusement crossed Legolas´ face, but he resumed his relaxed position when he answered: "Estel, I did tell you it was an elven contest, did I not? No offence to you, mellon- nîn, but you are human. There are disabilities to come with that, even though they are not your fault. You would not survive half of the challenge I talked about. Just forget I mentioned it"
"Oh yes?" the young man growled, unnerved that his glaring did not have any effect on the elf who insisted upon keeping his eyes closed in a most un-elven manner. There was no advantage in being raised by the master of staring when one could never practise the art on a willing subject. "Just what are my human faults, then?"
The moment the question had left his mouth he realized his mistake but it was too late now.
Legolas smirked evilly. "Would you really like to hear the full list again, Estel?" The elf took the time for an exaggerated sigh before continuing in a monotonous voice: "You lack immortality, are subject to rather disgusting illnesses, carry around entirely too much weight, distribute a disturbing smell..."
"Hah!" Aragorn had only waited for that argument - one of the few he was sure he could disprove - and yelled triumphantly: "I do not! Smell!" And with that, he planted one arm over his friend´s head, positioning his armpit directly above the elf´s sensitive nose.
Legolas eyes flew open and he tried to stop breathing, but even his elven reflexes could not prevent him from continuing the breath he had just been taking. His perfect forehead wrinkled in anticipation of an entirely unwelcome odor, but it never came.
The prince cocked his head in surprise. "It is true", he said slowly, obviously thinking hard, "you smell far less human than usual, but this scent reminds me of something else..."
Aragorn snatched his arm away in a hurry, but it was little use. An elf´s memory could span centuries, never mind a few minutes. To Aragorn´s embarrassment it took the elf even less than that to burst into pearls of breathless laughter.
"My sister´s rose oil", he panted between gasps, "the one she uses on her mare because she cannot stand the horse smell..."
"Could we please get back to the topic at hand?" the human interfered, but it was hopeless. Legolas rolled into a sitting position, holding on to his stomach, tears streaming down his face.
"She had our healers invent a special ointment to enhance the oil!" He giggled helplessly. "They said it would work on a cave troll..."
"I won´t have any more of this!"
Totally stripped of his dignity - or so he thought, unawares of what was to come - the ranger jumped to his feet and stalked of, the elf´s laughter following him lightly like a young dog that danced around his feet.
It took Legolas only a few moments to catch up with his friend. "I apologize", he said soberly, wiping the last trails of tears off his now completely straight face, "I got carried away. I am truly sorry. "
Aragorn snorted. "Pha! Don´t try that ´I-am-a-good-prince´ face on me. You may fool your father with that one but I´ve seen through it long ago."
"Of course you have", Legolas agreed, obviously eager now to soothe his friend, "and thinking about it more closely, your senses really are better than that of any human I know."
"You only know me", Aragorn pointed out sourly, but he felt his mood lighten. And he saw a chance to press his advantage. "However", he continued slowly, cutting short the prince´s renewed effort to flatter him, "I might just forgive you if you show me the entrance to that cave."
Legolas sighed but nodded his head, accepting defeat.
....................................................................................................
It took the two friends the better part of an hour to reach the entrance to a large cave that would eventually lead into a winding tunnel. Legolas would not say any more about what awaited one down there in the dark, however, pointing out that it was a secret he had sworn to keep.
Aragorn squinted into the gloom, his nose wrinkling at the damp smell that hit him. "This seems like an unlikely place for an elf to go", he commented, not so sure anymore that he wanted to go through with this.
Legolas snorted. "It would hardly be a challenge to walk through a lofty garden", he grinned, "and as I said, not all of the elves at my father´s court dared venture here." His voice became tinged with worry as he went on. "Really, Estel, there is no harm in not trying this, even for an elf..."
That settled it for Aragorn. Come to think of it, he was even sorry that there had been no similar way to prove himself to the Imladris elves. Even though his foster family had accepted him readily enough, he had suffered some taunting from a few of the others. He had never had the chance to brave a danger even elves had shied from.
"I will do it!" he said stubbornly and to avoid any further discussions he simply strode straight into the cave. When Legolas grabbed his sleeve he turned with an annoyed frown.
"I said I would do it!"
The elf flinched at the yell and rubbed his ears. "Yes, there was no chance for me not to hear that", he grumbled, "but if you do it, you should obey the same rules as anybody else."
Aragorn immediately calmed. The last thing he wanted was special treatment that would later tinge his victory.
"Very well", he agreed, "tell me the rules then."
Legolas nodded, still holding on to one ear. "First, you may carry only one weapon."
"Fine." Aragorn tossed away his knife and dagger, laying a hand onto the handle of his trusted sword.
The elf looked uncertain. "Estel, you may want to consider that as a human..."
"Don´t say it!" the ranger interfered angrily, "just go on with those rules."
Legolas shrugged and continued. "Second, you may not use any light other than the one that naturally filters in to guide you. Third, you may not make a sound in the first great hall. Fourth, you may not get wet in the second great hall. Is that understood?"
"Sure", Aragorn smiled. This did not sound too bad at all. "Will you await me at the exit then?" He was surprised when Legolas shook his head.
"There is no way I will let you down there by yourself", he stated with a look that told the ranger it would be futile to argue. He stripped himself of bow and quiver and carefully hid his weapons, as well as Aragorn´s discarded ones, under a few stones. "You may have noticed that there is no rule against a friend going with you. Not that I will help at all, mind you. I just want to make sure that your body will not get eaten before it can be retrieved. Father hates it when I misplace things."
The human glared at the prince again, and this time he thought he saw a flinch in his friend. A tiny flinch, no more that the quiver of an eyelid, but it had been there nonetheless. Lord Elrond would have been amazed, for he had cautioned his human son that he might never be able to make an immortal as much as realize that he was being stared down at all.
So much for elven superiority. Feeling rather confident again, Aragorn turned around and strode into the cave.
"Follow me then", he announced haughtily, "but do not expect me to wait for you should you start to fall behind."
....................................................................................
The topic of falling stayed fresh on the ranger´s mind, but unfortunately it was not at all connected to Legolas. Aragorn swore when he felt his feet slip on the tiny pebbles again, sending him to the ground in a crash for the fourth time.
Or the fifth.
There came no anxious enquiry after his well-being, for the last time this had happened he had told the elf in no uncertain terms that he refused to be babied.
"Do you intend to stay down there for long?" a cool voice asked from behind him. "If you plan a nice human-length rest, I shall return to the palace in the meantime and make myself useful. Like in aiding that new sleeping chamber to be carved out of the rock."
Instead of replying, Aragorn pulled himself to his feet again. "You said something about light filtering down here", he complained, "and now it is pitch black!"
Legolas took his time to answer, but when he did, it was with a sweetness that was sickening.
"I never said there would be light everywhere, just that you were not allowed to bring your own", he pointed out, "and besides, this is not one of the darkest passages. There is light, it still falls into the tunnel from the entrance cave. Mind your head, there´s a ..."
"Ouch!"
"...piece of rock standing out from the wall."
Holding onto his now bleeding forehead, Aragorn trudged on. He was boiling with anger and after a few silent moments he could not contain it anymore.
"I have my own qualities, you know", he burst out, "I have saved that royal elven backside of yours more than once, even though you have cat´s eyes and I don´t!"
Legolas chuckled. "Aye", he agreed, "but I´m afraid that your talent for hacking things to bloody bits with your sword will not help you here. More subtle qualities are called for. This is an elven challenge, as I said."
"Maybe I should start twittering a sweet senseless song about rose blossoms, then", Aragorn shot back, "I´m sure that would bore the walls into crumbling to let in the light."
"You should not offend my sister´s obsession with roses", the elf grumbled, a protective streak rising in his tone, "and she has a sweet singing voice, no matter how long her songs are. Besides, her horse oil served you well enough, did it not?"
Aragorn chose not to answer. His hands carefully trailing the narrow walls, he suddenly felt the passage widen and his annoyance melted away with rising excitement.
"We have reached the first cave", he informed his friend eagerly, "what was I..."
He was cut short by both a hand covering his mouth and a rolling echo thundering back at him to hurl his words into his ears with deafening force.
He crouched down, feeling Legolas do the same behind him, while his own voice washed over him in a most unpleasant manner. He had never realized that strange high pitch he seemed to develop when he got excited, but hearing it now at least twenty times the original volume there was no denying the slightly girlish tinge in his "i"s. His only comfort was that Legolas was prevented from pointing out the fact. There was little hope, though, that his friend would not do so later.
When the worst of the sound had finally abated, Aragorn felt a none too gentle tugging at his collar and allowed Legolas to drag him back into the passage. As soon as it was relatively safe to speak, the elf did so in a dangerous hiss.
"Do - not - make - a - sound!!"
The ranger shrugged, sure that his friend would see the gesture in the dark. "Aye, I think I got that now", he said calmly. "Shall we go?"
"Only after I pointed out to you that the effect gets stronger the farther we go!"
"Oh." Aragorn was thoughtful for a moment. "Better hold my gas then, should I not?"
He left rather hastily after that. There was no wisdom in pushing things. Especially not an already enraged elven prince.
Aragorn found to his relief that quite obviously, the echo hall had some connection to the outside. After the first cautious steps he realized that he could make out rough shapes. It was a good thing, too, because it meant that he only got close to biting off his tongue once after connecting a toe with a rock rather forcefully.
Other than that, the ranger was quite pleased with his sneaking skills. Even though his steps were undeniably louder than the prince´s and could be heard, the sound never rose beyond a bearable thundering. It would not get much worse for he could already see the tunnel they were heading for.
There was little patience in him with the increasingly desperate shoves into the back he received from Legolas. The tiny pebbles beginning to rain down on them from above surely were no reason to get this panicky. He would have loved to let the prince know his annoyance but wisely bit his tongue.
To divert his attention he began wondering about dinner. He enjoyed doing that. Many things could be said about the hospitality in Mirkwood, not all of whose inhabitants welcomed strangers, but the food was exceptional...
Aragorn flinched when a slightly bigger stone graced his temple.
Legolas´ pushing grew even more persistent, but instead of allowing himself to get rushed the ranger froze. Maybe his attention had slipped and his steps had grown heavier. It might help to regain his control before venturing on.
To his surprise, a rather terrifying grumble spread through the hall once he had halted.
He held his breath, fearing for a moment that his earlier jest had become reality and it would be some trapped bowel gases that would make the roof cave in on them. If that happened he would never live it down. But then his stomach gave another impatient roar and finally he understood that thinking of his favourite stew had not been his smartest move.
But then who would blame him? He was only human and he had not eaten since breakfast.
Legolas began pushing him again, and by now Aragorn shared his friend´s worries. He knew from experience that his stomach was not to be argued with. It would continue complaining until it got what it wanted. It would be hard to lay his hands on some fresh stew down here and so it was wise to hurry before things got out of control.
Behind him, he sensed Legolas rather frantically digging through his pockets, at the same time dodging the shower of ever growing stones that assaulted them from above. Whenever a rock hit the ground, a new voice was added to the angry chorus that flew back and forth among the stoic walls, only to break lose more missiles.
It was just not fair, Aragorn thought.
At the same time, he could not help but feel relieved that they did not have any hobbits with them. They would have been buried beneath a mountain already.
Only steps away from the tunnel that promised salvation, Aragorn felt Legolas reach around him and rather unceremoniously stuff a piece of lembas bread into his mouth. It tasted as if it had resided inside of Legolas´ pocket for a comfortable length of time and was now rather annoyed at getting eaten after all. There was no time for protests, though, because feeding his hungry human must have diverted the elf´s attention long enough for him to miss a particularly large rock that was headed for him.
The ranger felt Legolas go down behind him as if pulled to the ground by an invisible hand when the stone connected sharply with the back of his head. Disciplined as he usually was the prince could not bite down the yell of pain. It quickly turned into a roar that had little to do with the voice that had triggered it.
Even when he grabbed the prince by the tunic and hauled him towards the safety of the tunnel, a tiny part of Aragorn´s mind was slightly unnerved. Although Legolas´ cry had been multiplied to a greater extend than his earlier words, there was no hint of girlishness in it.
Damn elvish perfection!
The ranger somehow managed to avoid the mid-sized boulders that now came hurling at them from all directions and made for the corridor in a daring dive, never letting go of the only semi-conscious elf in his tow. He landed on the rough ground with a grunt and rolled, getting Legolas out of harm´s way first before tugging his legs into the tunnel only heartbeats before a whole shower of stones piled in front of the entrance.
The two friends lay in stunned silence for a while, and it was Aragorn who broke it first.
"We are out of the cave", he panted, "you can thank me now."
......................................................................
"Baw!" [Stop it] Legolas growled with a slight slur in his voice, "le negrach nin." [You are hurting me.]
"Only because you will not hold still", Aragorn stated impatiently, "and besides, I cannot help not being able to see in the darkness. Now stop whining and let me finish this. I do not intend staying in here forever."
"Nay", Legolas agreed , "you will want to get dinner on time."
The ranger grumbled at his friend´s meaning. "You are one to complain", he sniffed, holding a piece of cloth down onto the elf´s wound with slightly more pressure than was needed, "it was you who brought down the house. The cave - the hall - whatever it was."
"I did not", the prince retorted with a pout in his tone, "I was hurt because I helped you first."
"You tried to choke me, you mean." Aragorn coughed slightly to make his point. He could still feel crumbs of that cursed piece of lembas sticking to the back of his throat, and as luck would have it they had not brought any water with them.
This was getting better by the second.
At least he could feel the blood seeping through the makeshift bandage slow. He tore off another part of his tunic to tie it around his friend´s head.
"Don´t say it's my fault when I return to the palace half-naked", he warned, "you bled through the better part of my tunic. Now, any other problems? Feeling dizzy? Any need to throw up?"
The ranger could almost feel his friend grimace in the dark.
"I will do no such ungraceful thing", Legolas retorted with an air of superiority that told Aragorn his friend was most likely on the mend already, "I am fine, thank you. But I would prefer not to stay here much longer. This is getting a bit - unsettling."
"Claustrophobia setting in?" the ranger asked with only a hint of sympathy. "Well, I will not keep you. Let´s go. Oh, and tell me before you pass out or something like that." The elf did not bother to answer.
It took Aragorn only a short time to realize that the tunnel was narrowing. Seriously so. He could feel the walls and the ceiling close in on him and soon they scraped at him with every move he made. He heard Legolas breathing faster than he should have behind him and he was beginning to pity his friend. He knew well how little love the prince held for places like these.
"It amazes me that you voluntarily went down here again", the ranger said, "this is not a comfortable spot to be in."
"Aye", Legolas agreed and rather sheepishly added: "I did not remember it being quite this - tight."
This confession at imperfection caught the human by surprise but before he could react to it, there was a grinding noise. And then he found he could not move on.
Legolas bumped into him from behind, clearly signalling that he had closed his eyes in the dark. He let out a surprised grunt.
"I did not mean to say that I wanted to stay and admire the view to remember it better", he said dryly, "so would you please move on?"
Aragorn wriggled feverishly. He very much wished he could obey the elf´s plea. The more he tried to get loose, the more clearly he became aware of the cause of his problem. Thinking back to their discussion at the cave´s mouth, he was loathe to admit it, but he could not lie to Legolas now.
"Erm, I´m afraid that - my sword got stuck."
When there came no answer from behind him he added: "You were right."
Still no reply.
"Sorry."
A small sigh came from the elf then and he finally decided to speak. "Can you reach your belt?"
Aragorn tried to draw back a hand enough to do so but it was useless. "No", he admitted, "I cannot move at all."
Legolas was silent for a moment, thinking, but then he decided that he wanted to get out. He really did. He began to push Aragorn rather roughly, hoping to dislodge him.
"Hey!"
The ranger ground his teeth when he felt the pressure. "What are you trying to do? Squeeze me into the wall?"
"Not today", came the disgruntled answer, "that might be a fun game for tomorrow. Right now I would like to use a shovel on you. Or a pick."
"That would not dislodge me but dismember me", Aragorn informed the elf wisely.
"Right now that is all the same to me!" And Legolas continued shoving.
Several bruises later it had become clear that Legolas would not be able to free his friend.
"I will have to go back and get help", the elf sighed, "try not to do anything foolish until I return."
It was only his slightly dependent situation that kept Aragorn from replying something else but a rather meek: "Please come back soon."
Legolas´ grunted reply suspiciously sounded like: "Surely not in time for dinner". Then he began to crawl backwards, and Aragorn found himself alone in the dark.
It was amazing how a solid black space could develop shapes so quickly.
The ranger found himself closing his eyes against the black mass that pressed down upon him and tried not to think about what would happen if an orc ventured this way. Having his hands or feet chewed off while being stuck and helpless to do anything about it was not a welcome prospect.
He tried to tell himself that an orc would be too big to get into this tunnel, but that thought only lead him straight to rats.
Rats would fit in just fine. And rats were always hungry. Not to mention that they would eat ANYTHING at all. It would surely be too much to hope that their grumbling stomachs would lead them to a grisly death in the echo hall.
Aragorn began sweating.
After a while, he wriggled again. It was not so much in the hope of getting out than out of sheer discomfort, but to his surprise he found that he could move ever so slightly. Slicked by his sweat, he crawled forward, not minding the pain this caused him as long as he just moved forward. Then, quite suddenly, the passage widened again and the ranger flopped out with an audible thud.
Not unlike escaping his mother´s womb, he thought dazedly. Now this was some memory! Any elf should try to beat that!
The thought of an elf reminded him of Legolas and the possibility to avoid a humiliating rescue. He turned and shouted down the tunnel: "I´m out! Meet me at the exit!" He could only hope that his friend had heard him.
With a tired sigh, he turned and trudged on.
The tunnel widened more and more and he could feel moisture collecting at the walls. The damp smell that had been there from the beginning intensified. He dimly remembered something about not getting wet, but frankly, he hardly cared anymore. Walking on carefully, Aragorn stayed close to the left wall and picked his way slowly. He could feel the ceiling soar up above him, causing an echo again, but this one was mercifully tame and did not try to harm him.
The sound of water reached his ears and he paused to listen, leaning his back against the wall. The splashing came from the front.
It also came from deep down.
A sudden feeling of vertigo hit him and he very, very tentatively stretched out one foot to feel in front of him. He was not amused when he was proven right. He was indeed standing upon a very thin ledge.
And the rule had been not to get wet? Now that was elven priority thinking! Every sane human would have made it "Don´t break your neck!" Getting wet would really have been a minor consideration.
Aragorn felt trapped again, only this time the grip was even less merciful than that of solid rock. It was his intense fear that froze him, for as much as he tried to he could not keep his mind from playing through what would happen if he misstepped. If he swayed. If the ledge suddenly disappeared beneath his feet. It was only with an overwhelming act of self control that he managed to get going again, back to the wall, moving at a pace that would have made a lame snail impatient. Sweat was pouring from him again, only this time becoming a slippery human standing on a slippery ledge was not very helpful.
His heart began to race and when he first began to hear other sounds, he simply thought he was beginning to go mad from tension. But then the sounds became clearer. It was elven laughter. Then a splash. Then laughter again. Aragorn stopped and considered, but only for a heartbeat.
It might well have been less, too.
"Hello?" the ranger called, "who´s there?"
For a moment there was silence and he began to wonder whether he had indeed been mistaken, but then the reply came.
"I should ask you this question", a light voice said with complaint in its tone, "today was my day to cross. And you are not even an elf!"
Aragorn´s head spun.
Could it be a woman?
For some reason the thought of an elven maid passing through these horrors to enjoy herself afterwards embarrassed him even more, but that mattered little now.
Hadn´t Legolas said so himself? There was no rule against a friend, old or new.
"Erm, I´m a little stuck", he admitted, the sweat streaming off him, "would you mind coming over here and help me?"
It took the voice a while to reply, but when it did so, the tone had changed to compassion. "Of course, hold on. I will be right there." And sure enough, only a small eternity later a hand grasped his and gently led him on.
Aragorn followed gratefully. He could have hugged and kissed this elf on the spot but controlled himself. It would not do to fall after all because he got carried away.
To his endless relief, the sound of the water slowly faded and so did the feeling of vertigo. The elf still did not let go of him, leading him on faithfully until a speck of light appeared in the distance and a whiff of fresh air caressed him.
Almost there!
The human´s heart soared. With the growing light, he got the chance for a better look at his saviour - and when he did, he stumbled in surprise.
The elven boy turned, his eyes showing concern. "Are you unwell?" he a asked a little uncertainly, "my Nana says humans are sick all the time. And then they die. Just like that."
He eyed Aragorn suspiciously and let go of his hand.
"You are not going to die now, are you? You are a little green in the face."
All the ranger could do was shake his head mutely. In all honesty, though, he was not so sure. Maybe it was possible to die of embarrassment.
The two warriors continued their way out of the tunnel in silence.
The boy kept throwing nervous glances at Aragorn but seemed to relax when the ranger was able to follow him without decaying on the spot, and suddenly he broke into a run. He was greeted by a chorus of youthful voices outside, and the human could hear that he immediately related his special deed of courage to his friends. Being able to add a rescue, if only of a human, to his successful crossing of the tunnels seemed to earn him extra respect.
So at least something good had come from this, Aragorn thought wryly.
When he finally stepped out into the fading sunlight, the children had gone. The only elf left was the prince of Mirkwood, who lay stretched out on the grass with his eyes closed and a smile on his face. He had taken off the bandages from his head wound and looked none the worse for wear.
Aragorn flopped down onto the grass next to his friend with a grunt and closed his eyes , sighing tiredly, simply enjoying the sun. After a while he said: "You could have told me it was a child´s dare."
Legolas chuckled. "I never wronged you, mellon-nin. It is indeed an elven challenge, and one that is not forgotten even by the grown elves. It is looked upon with great pride."
His tone was surprisingly serious and Aragorn opened his eyes and looked up at him.
Legolas smiled. "Anmae garo, mellon- nîn." [Well done, my friend.]
They shared a moment of contend silent before Legolas rose, holding out a hand to the ranger to help him up. Aragorn accepted the aid gladly.
"We should get back to the palace now or you will really miss the feast tonight." Legolas tilted his head towards his friend and sniffed suspiciously, only to recoil with an exaggerated mask of disgust. "You may have braved an elven challenge, my friend, but you reek. We shall ask my sister for some of her horse oil. Well, better for a lot of it."
Aragorn smacked the prince playfully and laughed at the taunt. "Gripe all you will tonight, you will not foul my mood. Today I showed you what a ranger can do."
The end