TITLE: Hello/Goodbye
DISCLAIMER: The West Wing and its characters are the property of Aaron Sorkin, Warner Brothers, and NBC. No Copyright Infringement is intended.
Rating: PG
Feedback: Yes
Notes: When reading this think of the episode Manchester. Anything at the White House is one timeline and the everything not at the White House is another .
CJ walked into her office not looking up from the paper Toby had just given her.
"Hi, CJ." CJ looked up to see Ben, but heard two voices. Then she saw Danny step out from her peripheral vision.
"Hi." CJ said, nonchalantly trying to smile. "Will you excuse me for a moment?" CJ backed away and walked out of her office at a fevered pace.
"CJ?" Carol asked, but CJ wasn't paying much attention as she sped down the hallway excusing herself to no one in particular. She hit the center of Josh's hallway and turned for a moment, pacing, with her hand on her head. She was jarred, to say the least. Soon she found herself in Josh's office.
"Hey." Josh looked up from his desk. CJ didn't even acknowledge him as she paced in front of his desk, her hand on her hip, inside her jacket, flopping it to one side, and her other hand on her forehead again.
"CJ? You need me for anything?" Josh followed her pace with his eyes.
"Give me a few minutes?" She shook her hands out.
"Okay?" Josh went back to his work.
"In my office-" Josh looked up again, expecting to be with his work longer than he had been. CJ shot her free hand out at him. "Are two men from my past—well, one man from my past and one man now in my present-"
"Okay?"
"In my office. Together."
"You hear Danny's back?"
"Ahh yeah."
"Oh... one of the men is Danny."
"Yeah."
"CJ, do you still have feelings for Danny?"
"Ahhh noooooo."
"Okay?" Josh looked at her strangely as CJ began to breathe heavily. "CJ?" Josh walked from behind his desk. "Donna! Get CJ a glass of water."
"And a vicodin!" CJ yelled, not completely out of her wits.
"CJ, you need to calm down here."
"I am calm!" She shirked. "Do you see how calm I am!" Her head shook. Josh lifted his hand only to have it caught by CJ right before it hit her face.
"Wow, I didn't see that one coming?"
"What was that?"
"I was going to slap you?"
"You were going to slap me?!"
"You were hysterical! That's what you do when women-"
CJ gave him the worst look.
"- people are hysterical! You're supposed to slap them!"
"What?"
"It is!"
CJ still gave him a look as she held on to his hand.
"Can you let go of my hand now?"
CJ squished his hand.
"Aww. Awww."
CJ was only fooling with him and let go of his hand.
"Ahh." Josh held his injured hand in the other.
"Don't do that?"
"Why!?"
Josh held his hand and looked at CJ as he figured out an answer, only to stop his train of thought just as he was about to reveal his answer.
"Hey, aren't Ben and Danny now alone in your office right now?"
CJ's eyes bugged out, "Oh, god." And before Josh could even finish his smirk she was out the door, her head leading before her feet followed behind.
"Hey." CJ spoke to the men in her office as she caught her breath and tried to pretend she hadn't.
"Hey." The two men said together. Ben and Danny gave each other a look.
"Yeah, hey." CJ was still flustered as she entered her office.
"Were'd you go?" Danny asked.
"I had to tell...give...something to Josh. I had to give something to Josh." She paused.
"Well..." Ben looked at Danny and took a step toward CJ.
Danny gave Ben his eyes with his "something's up" look.
"I only have a short lunch break..." Ben said.
"Ahh,, well..." CJ spoke and looked at the two men. Ben started to get closer and Danny coughed.
"Yes, Ben...Ben...this is Danny Concannon... Danny this is..."
"Daniel Concannon?" Ben put out his hand.
"Yes, Daniel Concannon." CJ corrected herself as Danny spoke a "yeah" over her. CJ rolled her eyes feeling awkward as the two shook hands.
"Well..." Ben looked at CJ and at Danny.
"Well." Danny said as well in his own sarcastic way. Danny exchanged a look with CJ who gave him a "shut up" look, which Ben almost caught before CJ smiled back.
"I really can't have lunch, Ben..as you can see...I have work...work to do..."
"Sure..." Ben walked over to CJ and kissed her. CJ moved her head and Ben hit her check. "I know, I know...I said I wouldn't just show up at work like this, but your phone call today sounded...I was worried."
"I'm fine. Really." She seemed to be faking it. "I told you." CJ whispered. "We'll talk about it at dinner tonight."
"Okay?"
"Tonight. Okay.' She whispered.
"Sure." Ben turned to Danny. "Nice to meet you."
"Likewise." Danny smirked and tipped his finger from the side of his forehead. CJ took a breath looking where Ben had left and took one look at Danny as she leaned against the doorframe.
"You're back?" She asked trying to pretend she didn't care.
"Yeah and it seems a lot has changed."
"Not much really...after all you're back again..."
"Like a fine wine..."
"Or a nasty mold." CJ took a folder from an aide and took a look at it before starting a walk. Danny ran up behind her.
"So who's the..."
"Don't go there, Danny."
"What? I..."
'Don't go there, Danny?"
"Okay, fine, I was just going to..." He saw her look. "I won't go there."
"So what did we do this time?"
"I'm sorry?"
"You only seem to come back when we did something, Sam and the hooker, Shariff..."
"What, you don't think I just missed the place? ..."
"What ya got, Danny?" She opened the folder signed the paper and set it in a hanging file above a filing cabinet.
"Nothing."
"What ya got, Danny?" She stopped and he stood in front of her.
"Why? What did you do?"
"Nothing?"
"You just asked what I had? So there must be something you did?"
"We didn't do anything."
"Not that you would know about it?"
"True." CJ said dryly. Danny raised his eyebrows at the joke and the two continued walking.
"So where were you all this time?" She caught sight of Danny out of the corner of her eye. "You lost weight?"
Danny laughed as they entered CJ's office, "Yeah, I did."
"What? You on Atkins, South Beach, that one where you only eat beets-?"
"No..." He laughed. "I just had cancer."
"What?!" CJ lifted her head. "What?"
"Don't worry?"
"Danny?" She was taken off guard as she stood there in shock and concern.
"I'm fine...I'm in remission, I'm fine." He used his hands to calm her as he saw her eyes deepen with concern.
"Thank god." She was still in shock bringing up the end of her sentence. "Well, when was..."
"A few months ago. But I'm fine now."
"Why...?
"I didn't tell anyone."
"Danny?"
"You had enough to deal with."
CJ stood with her mouth open not knowing what to say.
"CJ they want you in the mural room." Carol walked in. "Hey Danny, you're back!" She was giddy.
"Yeah I am." Danny smiled as he held in all his emotion from his and CJ's conversation.
"Yeah, I'll see ya later CJ." Danny nodded his head and CJ gave him a question mark look which she hadn't given him since he left her in the oval office years before.
"Yeah?" CJ didn't know what to say. What to say in front of Carol or to Danny as he nodded his head, lowered it, and then walked out of CJ's office.
"CJ?" Carol asked.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'm coming."
CJ, in the present, five years after the fact, stopped cold at her typewriter; she suddenly after over 100 pages of her life in the White House, was blocked. She couldn't type another word as the last paragraph lingered in her mind.
The phone rang and CJ took hold of it, seeing the phone display.
"Hey" she said to the phone. "No, I still can't get past-yeah, I'm up to-yeah, I didn't think I'd feel so-not out of it...I don't know, Josh. No...no... I can do this myself. . . . I didn't think it'd be so hard to write this part... I just didn't think it'd be this hard."
CJ stood at the podium in the pressroom looking over the group as they laughed at her last comment. It was nice to see Danny's face smiling back at her and she tried to make herself think it wasn't as good as it really was. CJ looked down searching for her next line of business to discuss and found the post-it about the new bill signing. As she spoke she saw Danny stand up and begin to excuse himself down the row.
"I'm sorry, Danny are we boring you?" CJ said with sass followed, by laughs heard among the room.
"No...go ahead...I...go ahead...Excuse me." Danny made his way to the aisle.
CJ went back to her speech, taking questions, but keeping one eye on Danny who stood at the back of the room. He didn't look so good and after about ten minutes standing uncomfortably at the back of the press room, Danny made a quick exit, leaving a concerned and bewildered look on CJ's face. So much so that for a moment she paused in the middle of her sentence only to have another reporter take her out of it and bring her back to her train of thought.
"Sorry...where was I...ohh yes..."
In the present, CJ stood in front of her full-length mirror looking drawn and fatigued. She stared herself down, a half asleep non-expression on her face as her tired fingers tried to button her blouse up over her camisole. Even that seemed to require more energy then CJ could muster.
Finally dressed, CJ made her way into the Long Island beach air, with the sounds of the seagulls, stepping off the gravel into her car and threwing her briefcase on the seat next to her.
"Danny?" CJ called his name as she found him sitting with his head between his legs and his hands over his head. He sat on the back stairs to the upper press room.
"Hey, CJ." Danny said after lifting his head. His voice was listless and heavy.
"You okay?" CJ walked over and sat down next to him.
"Yeah...yeah...I just needed some air...I'm fine." He looked CJ in the eye and she knew he wasn't.
"Really? You don't seem fine." Danny laughed and looked at his feet. "Come on. Come to my office."
"CJ..."
"Come on." She took his arm.
"Okay."
CJ sat Danny down on her couch and Carol brought him a glass of water. CJ thanked her and Carol left them alone.
"You feeling better?"
"Yeah...I should...get back." Danny tried to stand, but couldn't. "Or not." He sat back down on the couch.
"Danny, what's wrong?"
"I'm just tired-I just...I'll be fine...I just need to get my strength up again. That's all...really..."
"You were always one to over do it."
"And you don't."
"Yeah, but I'm not..." CJ couldn't say the word. There was a pause as they looked at each other. Danny took a drink of water and took a breath and stood.
"Thanks for the water." Danny handed CJ the water and headed for the door.
"Anytime you need anything Danny..." She paused looking for a joke. "I have a couch?"
Danny's face showed a thank you and how appreciative he was for CJ's thoughts and how she cared, but it only showed on his face and not in his words.
"I have a deadline." He said softly and he was gone.
THE PRESENT
"You have a deadline, CJ." CJ's editor, Walter, a man of about forty-five, spoke as they finished their lunch at a well-established New York eatery.
"I'm working as hard as I can. It's just not coming...I haven't been myself lately..."
"I don't care who you are today or who you are tomorrow—CJ you signed a contract..."
"For a book, I know-A book I've written-and I've been on time with all the other deadlines..."
"Except for this one-you got a healthy advance, CJ. I'm sure it had to do with the success of Bartlet's book, so you're lucky-people are primed and ready for the goings on from all points of view- I also did this as a favor for Josh Lyman. Barlet's a scholar—but what have you done before—written press briefings-Hollywood press releases."
"Well, thank you, Walter, I didn't know a master's degree and being a merit scholar made me the high school prom queen."
"I'm not saying you're a bimbo, CJ"
"Really, 'cause it sounded like that ta me." She snarled.
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry—you're right, that was out a line."
"Ya think?!"
"Okay-way outta line-but ya gotta a contract-CJ, I got all kinds of people—all the muckity-mucks up my ass on this thing. They want a fall release. We promised them a fall release."
"I'll have it, I'll have it. But for now you're gonna have to just deal, Walter."
A waitress passed and Walter caught her attention, "Can we have the check?" He looked at CJ and her half-eaten meal. "You want that wrapped up?"
CJ looked at the food and shook her head in disgust.
"You have the first ten chapters with you?
"Yeah." She said with tired stress in her voice. CJ reached down into her valise and came out with a packet of papers.
"I'm gonna love it, right?" He smiled at her.
"Of course." She said with some sarcasm.
"I mean the first pages I got were good—real good—I guess working with all those writers really rubbed off, huh?"
"You could say that."
"Okay, let me read this and you come back to my office later today-"
"I can't. I have an appointment." CJ rose and threw her napkin on the table.
"Blow if off—we're behind here."
"I can't, Walter."
"CJ..."
"I can't."
"Fine." He leafed through the pages and then looked up at CJ as she raised her valise strap over her shoulder. "You'll be at the Hampton House?"
"Yeah, you can reach me there." CJ looked off distracted.
"So what's so important—this meeting? For what are ya blowing me off?"
CJ's face looked serious and exhausted with the last few days. She was right, she wasn't herself at all.
"It's personal."
"CJ." The doctor greeted CJ as she entered the examining room. CJ, looking like a scared little girl sitting in her blue gown on the table, looked up at the doctor as the doctor looked down at her clipboard. "It says here you've been experiencing fatigue."
"Yeah... I can't seem to shake it."
"Are you under any stress?" The doctor set down her clipboard and began to feel around CJ's glands in her neck.
"I suppose." She half laughed. "I'm writing a book."
"A book?" The doctor finished a note on her chart and put it back down. "Lift your arm please?" CJ lifted her arm and the doctor began feeling around under it. "My brother-in-law's a writer—he's always talking about deadlines." The doctor made her way to CJ's other arm.
"No...I don't think that's it. I've been on time on for all my deadlines. This started about two weeks ago and I was right on schedule—I know deadlines. "
The doctor made some more notes and looked up at CJ.
"You know the body is an amazing emotional reader to your mental state-what are you writing about right now that might make you worry?"
CJ took a breath and tears almost filled her eyes as she thought about Danny, and her mother.
"Cancer" She said before pausing again. "I'm writing about cancer."
CJ drove home listening to the radio, and letting her mind wander off to five years ago. She was closer to the present, as the sunset and she reached her summer home. She heard the doctor's words in her head.
"Family history?"
"Yes." CJ had answered in the doctor's office.
"Who?"
"My mother—my mother had breast cancer."
"Okay." The doctor paused. "Let's run some tests."
CJ was walking to a press briefing, and as Carol handed her a paper to look at before she went in, she saw Danny, alone, standing off from view, shaking his hand and shaking his head.
"...Describe the fatigue." The doctor asked CJ as she sat in the examining room.
"My hands..." She spoke as if her body and voice would break. "It's also in my hands..."
Driving home in the car, CJ couldn't help but run through the events of the day and the events of five years before. She hadn't been old enough to really remember what her mother went through. As a child she was shielded and she didn't have hindsight like she had with Danny.
THE WHITEHOUSE - THE PAST
"Where's Danny?" CJ asked as she left the briefing. "It's been two weeks."
CJ ran her hand over her forehead as she drove down the highway toward her getaway home. It was the best place to write, the best place to be alone. Also the best place to be alone with her thoughts and her book: her past.
CJ flew past Carol and into Josh's office slamming the door with a thud.
"Why is he leaving, Josh!"
"Whoa, wait-who—why is who leaving? Calm down, CJ" Josh leaned his head toward the door "DONNA!"
"Danny-he's taking a leave of absence!" CJ began to pace.
"CJ." He tried to comfort her. "I think we know why?"
"No, no, I don't." CJ tried to shake it off.
"CJ."
"He's coming back in a few months?"
"He doesn't know, CJ."
"Medications. Rest. He needs rest."
"No, CJ." Josh said with a concerned look. "No."
"So it's what I think?" CJ looked at Josh calmly, but her body fidgeted.
"Yeah."
"Just say it."
"CJ."
"I just need to hear it out loud! Just say it!" Josh didn't answer. "He's my friend too. He won't confide in me anymore. Just tell me!"
"Of course he won't confide in you CJ-it's too painful for him right now-just leave him alone—don't have him lose you twice."
"Just say it Josh!"
Josh didn't know what to say, but he knew he had to tell her, and the pain of that obligation showed on his face.
"The cancer came back."
There was a moment as CJ held her emotions before taking them out on the only thing she knew she could in present company.
"Damn it!" CJ slammed her hand against the doorframe.
"CJ."
"Don't. Just. Don't." And she was gone from Josh's office.
Back in her office in the West Wing, CJ sobbed. She sobbed uncomfortably like a child. She tried to hold it back as much as she could, but it only made the sobs ugly and spurting.
"CJ?" Ben's voice was heard softly from the door of the dark room.
"Ben." CJ sat up from the couch, trying to stop her tears and not let Ben know she was crying, but he knew.
"You didn't show up again."
'I didn't." She snuffed in her last tear and ran her finger under her eye lid. Ben took a step, but wasn't sure what to do.
"CJ. I know you've been wanting to break up with me for the last three weeks-but don't keep making dinners with me and canceling—it's not fair-I mean break up with me or don't. But don't keep me hanging."
"Oh, god, was that tonight." She stood, still giving him her back and walking behind her desk while trying to find a way to hide her state of being.
"Yes."
"Really—I'm sorry-I really did forget." She snuffed in her emotions through her nose and looked at Ben.
"CJ? Have you been crying?"
CJ moved her head away from Ben.
"I..."
"CJ, what's wrong?"
"You're right, Ben. We can't keep doing this." CJ looked down. "It's really for the best."
"I don't get you-you pretty much bully me into going out with you-take me for granted and then just-"
'I'm sorry Ben—It's not you—I know.."
"Sure as hell isn't."
"I'm sorry..." CJ burst into tears.
"CJ...I'm sorry-I didn't..." He walked closer to her. "What's wrong?"
"I was looking for something in you—I'm sorry I did that—I was looking for a way out—I figured that out a while ago and I was just chicken to tell you"
"A way out of what?" CJ didn't say anything. "You can tell me, CJ. We're friends. We've always been friends."
"I...I..." She paused. "I love someone else."
"It's that guy."
"How did..."
"I heard things."
"Ben. I'm sorry." She sniffed in her tears through her nose again. "I didn't know what I was doing—I was trying to...push him away—get him outta my head, but now-It's not fair to you—it's not fair to anyone—I thought you could help me get him outta my head, but-I'm sorry..."
"You need to tell him, CJ. If it was me. I'd want that. He deserves that."
THE PRESENT
CJ pealed herself out of her car and slid her hands around the doorknob and into her dark house. She flipped the light with a motion that sent her purse, on her wrist, down to the floor with a flop. She let the purse stay where it had fallen and dropped her briefcase on the other side of her as she kicked the door closed with her foot. The keys clinked as she set them on the hall table. Her hand found the banister and slowly she made her way up. She felt even worse than she had in the last two weeks and keeping her balance as she made her way up the stairs was hard. She slipped and felt her body want to fall out from under her, but she held on for dear life.
THE WHITE HOUSE - THE PAST
"Ambulance! Someone get an ambulance!" She heard in her head.
"What happened, what happened!?" CJ heard the voices and chaos in her head from five years before.
She finally made her way into her bedroom and flipped on the light as a soft rain hit the window outside. Her hand stayed frozen as she saw the laptop sitting on small table in the center of the room, taunting her, and she knew what she had to do.
CJ looked at herself in the mirror and made sure her hair was looking great and her makeup was set perfect. As if one small imperfection was going to make the man stop loving her, but she was nervous and she wanted to look her best. She was going to tell Danny she loved him and she needed to look her best.
"Carol!"
"Yeah." Carol popped her head in.
"Can you tell Danny Concannon to come in my office."
"I think the press corps is throwing him a party. You should go."
"I know-just tell him I need to see him—okay—"
"Yeah sure." Carol disappeared and Carol made her way into the Pressroom next door.
CJ looked back one more time and fixed her jacket. Man was she nervous. Suddenly CJ heard commotion outside her door.
"Ambulance...someone call an ambulance."
'What's going on here?" CJ heard Josh's voice as she entered the hallway.
"Carol, what happened?" She saw Carol as CJ saw the crowd of people.
"It's Danny he..." CJ shot off like a bullet toward the crowd as she saw Josh push his way though.
"Is someone calling someone?!" Josh yelled. "Give him some air." He leaned down and started to unbutton Danny's collar. "Danny! Danny!"
"Someone's coming, Josh!" Donna yelled. "Can we give him some air?" Josh yelled and motioned with his hand for the crowd to spread. All CJ could feel was her heart as she ran toward the hallway in front of Josh's office.
CJ continued typing she had to keep going, she had to get through it.
CJ's feet echoed on the marble floors as she paced, her shadow almost making indentations on the hospital floor.
"You can see him now."
CJ looked at Josh who was sitting down with his body curved toward CJ, and his arms on his knees.
"You go."
CJ walked into the hospital room with the sound of beeps and drips and Danny in the middle of it all sleeping peacefully. Her emotions making her feel like a sack of potatoes, she sat herself down on the chair next to the bed and just looked at him feeling as if she was again too late.
THE PRESENT
CJ lifted her hands off the keyboard, she just couldn't write anymore. For some many reasons she just couldn't write anymore. She lifted her hands to her face and felt the tears she had never shed all those years before. Something was acting up inside of her. She held it back in and found her way into the bathroom to splash cold water on her face.
The phone rang, but CJ took her time finding and answering it.
"Yes, hello."
"Yes, doctor...No, I think I'd rather...yes, I'll wait." She waited for her answer. "And you're sure?" CJ tried to hold back her tears. "Yes...I'll be in your office...yes. Yes. first thing tomorrow-I'll be in your office."
CJ crawled into the bed feeling emotionally drained and beaten by her body, cradling her body in a half-fetal position and closing her eyes, trying to be at peace with the sickness she was feeling in the pit of her stomach and the emotions she felt surging inside of her.
Soon she felt a body pull the covers back and slither along side her, his hand rolling over her stomach and around her body.
"Why didn't you tell me?" The voice said sweetly.
"I didn't want to bother you." She wiped the tears from her eyes. "Josh called you?"
"Yeah."
"I didn't want to remind you. I thought I'd work through it."
"You needed someone here for you." He lifted above her and she looked into Danny's eyes. "The least I could do was be here for you-like you were for me."
"I get scared of losing you-I didn't want to share that with you-"
"CJ..."
"What was I supposed to say? I was thinking back to when you almost died and I'm afraid of losing you—I'm afraid you- you'll die—not really the best thing to talk about."
"But I could have been here for you." He paused. "You can do this, CJ. I know you didn't want me helping you with the book, but let me help you with this one—this part—maybe you're not far enough removed from this—but I'm here now and I'm okay. I promise not to leave you for a while. How 'bout that?"
"Okay." She held his face in hers.
"Okay." He smiled and leaned in snuggling along side her.
"Danny?"
"Yeah." He said not looking at her but feeling her against him.
"I'm pregnant."
THE END