Sorezore no Omoi :: Each and Every Feeling

I don't own Inuyasha, obviously. If I did, I would publish my work and not post it here. And I would write in Japanese.

By: Banana Rum :: Kalliel Inuyaksa

How much would it take for me to tell you I hate you?

How far would I go to rid myself of that hate?

I have often asked myself these questions, hidden in the darkness of my living dream.

You, who betrayed me.

You, who have all but forgotten me.

I know this because I too, have forgotten most of what you are.

We promised we would be together.

We promised that nothing could come between us.

And something did. The tiniest hint of indecision, of distrust, and it was all gone in a single, fleeting instant.

I learned that love is the thing that can tear apart a personÉa humanÉ.a demonÉor both.

I learned that maybe you and I were cursed to die apart.

For half a century I lay in death. Burning at the gates of hell, but unable to move on to peace because I lacked for which I wanted most. You.

And one day I returned to this world. I was happy, for the tiniest instant.

And then I found that the breeze did not soothe me, and the warmth of life was denied to me, even if the body was not.

Seeing you there, all the rage and hate boiled in me, pushing the love and sincerity to an almost non-existent section of my earthen body.

I wanted blood.

I wanted it so you could see what I had gone through for you.

And then I was torn from your gaze by my own fury.

My will was of ice.

My spirit was on fire.

Alone in a world I once knew but now was made anew, I thought of you again.

But I could not let myself fall to you.

Not so that a bitter love could form.

Happiness was not mine to take.

Happiness is only for the ones who can step in the sun and marvel at its warmth.

If I wanted to, I could kill you.

For some reason, I did not want to anymore.

Why? You were so vulnerable to me. I could strike at any time and you would not be ready.

Because I was still in love.

If there is something you know you possess, but you do not want it, can you throw it away?

Not if it is something you truly do not desire, something you would condemn to hell if it were possible.

If you do not desire an enemy, you can take its life.

But if you are in love, reality will shun you.

So I tried to forget you completely, but you kept coming back.

Back to my tortured mind in which you swam with such grace before.

I still love you.

But this feeling is unrequited.

For a while, you loved me back.

Loved me even though I was naught but a construct of bones and dirt.

Because my spirit remained.

But that was untrue.

My memories, my emotions, yes.

I am something words cannot describe.

Sad is an understatement.

Do I love you now, or the memory of you? The memory where I was the only thing that mattered to you?

Or do I love the pain of knowing that you are not the man I knew anymore.

The pain of knowing that my reincarnation is more precious.

When I died, you knew not even half the pain I always carry.

You did not cry, and you did not follow me.

No. Instead you embraced my soul in its new body.

You cried for HER. You followed HER to a world you did not know.

I have done the same for you, and you cannot return that favor?

But I cannot shake this feeling that I love you still.

My pain is mine to embrace, and I shall.

I love you. I despise you.

Are love and hate so different?

You can only hate someone who you know well. The mere fact that you know them is love.

A shallow love, but it is the same.

Hate is borne of love.

AndÉ love is borne of hate.

If there is no trial to overcome, then you will never know just how much you love someone.

How much I love you.

fin