Just a Little Hope
"Ne Hakkai, when can we stop for food?" Came the voice of Goku from the back of Hakkuryu. We, meaning Sanzo, Goku, Goyjo and myself were heading west...as usual. This journey never wanted to end, but I think as time went on, I didn't wish for it to end.
"Urusai na!" Came the grumbling and commanding voice of Sanzo as he sat in the passenger seat beside me, his eyes closed and his arms folded defiantly over his chest. I wondered whether that scowl could ever be lifted.
"But Sanzo I'm Hu-"The click of Sanzo's revolver silences Goku from continuing on. I guess he was getting smarter at spending so much time with Sanzo these days.
So much time...with Sanzo...
"Oi Hakkai?"
"Eh?" I'm thrust from my thoughts as Goyjo has lent forward to shake me.
"Please don't do that Goyjo, I could swerve and have us driving over the cliff." I politely interject and heard a 'kyuu' from Hakkuryu. Obviously my little pet didn't like that idea very much at all.
"Was only snapping ya back into focus buddy." Goyjo contributed once more and I felt my smile waver slightly. I'd lived with the guy for three years, so of course he would sense if something were wrong with me.
In truth there wasn't something wrong with me, well not truly, I was just thinking that's all, but perhaps all these thoughts would just have to wait until we hit a town. That way I could escape and just have some "alone time" like Sanzo always wanted.
"Look, the town! Alright food!" Goku yelled as we came around the bend of the mountainside and saw the village not to far below.
"Pretty ladies come on down." Goyjo spoke once more and the both of them were hit by Sanzo's paper fan.
"Morons..." He muttered before sitting back in place. I let off my trademark chuckle, but it fell short as Goku once more pestered Sanzo by pulling on his robes and complaining about how he was dying of hunger. Peering my green eyes at the both of them I watched as Sanzo magically brought out a meat bun and shoved it in front of Goku's face to shut him up. He did this often with Lirin-chan when she miraculously showed up on our way west.
"Thanks Sanzo!" Goku happily spoke, a little blush forming on his face at how happy he was to receive such a tasty gift. I sigh at how easy it is for Goku to get a response from Sanzo without even trying much. A complaint here and there and he got what he wanted...most of the time. I wonder if the wheels would turn if I began to complain. Now that would be a sight to behold. Hakkai the complainer. It didn't even suit being placed against my name.
"BRAKES!" Came a cry from the back and without a thought I did exactly that. Snapping my eyes back into focus I noticed that one of Hakkuryu's wheels was dangling off the cliff before the echo of his 'kyuu' drifted through the mountains and then he transformed and sent us falling to the dirt road.
"Hakkai! What the hell is with you man?" Came the complaining Goyjo as he stood up rubbing his butt.
"I'm sorry, I guess I zoned out for a moment."
"You've been doing that all day! Could you try and not kill us in the process!" Goyjo reprimanded me and I bowed my head in silent apology.
"That's enough, let's go." I snapped my green eyes up at Sanzo's turned back as he and Goku were already walking down the road. I guess we weren't that far from town and Sanzo didn't want to know what was going on with me as he would state something along the lines of "not my business" in his usual annoyed tone of voice. That's just the way Sanzo was I guess. Never one to worry about matters of others except for his own, but wait that wasn't true at all for if something happened to Goku then that was his business. Other then that Goyjo and I would just be placed under "excess baggage" like I had already been previously told if I were to disrupt the mission in any way.
"Are you sure you're okay man?" Goyjo questioned me as I lagged behind the three of them and he had slowed down to walk with me.
"I'll be fine after I sleep...and besides I'm sure Hakkuryu was getting tired of driving us all day as well." As if on cue my dragon flew to perch tiredly on my shoulder before curling his long neck around my own.
"Oi Kappa, Hakkai hurry up! It looks like some festival is happening in the village!" Goku yelled from ahead of us.
"Heh, ladies here I come." I couldn't help but smile at Goyjo's antics as I watched him race up to Goku and smack him on the head for calling him 'kappa' and then ran passed to head for the single ladies. He was always the playboy type were I was the complete opposite. One partner, a life one if possible, would do me just fine.
A life partner...
"Oi Hakkai! Come on!" Hearing Goku yell for me once more and noticing that he, Goyjo and even Sanzo had stopped to wait for me I thought it best to pick up my pace.
# Time Passes #
Sitting alone in one of the inn's rooms I could hear the bustling noise of villagers mingling in the streets. While Goku and Goyjo were throwing their gear into the other room earlier on they had decided to check out the local festivities. I however decided not to join them and excused myself. I pretended I wanted to sleep for now and may come later to find them either in a bar or a restaurant. It truly wasn't hard to find either Goku or Goyjo...but Sanzo on the other hand...
A knock at the door jolted my thoughts once more and I looked over to see a pair of feet disturbing the light from the hallway between the gap from the door and the floorboards.
"Hope your feeling better man, but in any case Sanzo's disappeared for his "me time crap" and I'm going to search for more ladies. Anyway I remembered something earlier and came back to give it to you, so hopefully it'll help solve your problem." I sat up on the single bed I was lying on and watched a slip of paper move under the gap. I never left the bed until I heard Goyjo's footsteps move away and then retrieved the slip of paper before heading for the opened window to read the note in the brightness of the moonlight.
Let go, let yourself free of you and your soul
And then you'll come to see all the truth in your eyes
Don't try to be someone you can't be
All you gotta do is let go, just let go of yourself-
and then you'll see...
Don't try, try to pretend that it doesn't hurt
You don't have to be perfect, cause no one can be
If your tears can't stop fallin', just reach out your hand
All you gotta do is believe, just believe in yourself-
and just let go...
I was sure this was from a song I once heard Goyjo sing long ago, but the words did strike a cord within me. Did Goyjo truly know secretly what I've been thinking about all this time? Did he truly know that my thoughts and frustration's were trained on one single person? Did he know it was Sanzo?
"Let go..." I muttered while leaning against the window seal dressed in my tan trousers and my white shirt. My monocle was gone as were my top half of my daily clothing and my shoes and socks. Hakkuryu had gone off with Goku and now I was alone.
"Of what?" I involuntarily gasped in surprise at the intrusion to the quietness of the room. Abruptly turning from the window I watched Sanzo close the door and move further into the room until he was leaning with his back against the window frame. His robes were tied around his waist and a cigarette was poised between his fingers.
"Sanzo please don't give me a heart attack." I heard him 'che' lightly and was waiting for the usual snide comment like "its your own fault for zoning out like that" but it never came. Instead he turned his head over his shoulder to look out the window.
"What are you doing here?" I questioned the golden haired man and felt my breath catch when his bright purple eyes caught my green ones.
"I happen to be sleeping here." He sarcastically replied. "And if you have a problem with that then go somewhere else." He continued and my usual daily smile that plastered my lips most of the day never returned.
"I have no problem with you Sanzo." I replied back and walked towards the bed I'd be sleeping on tonight. At least I was thankful it was a bed and not Hakkuryu's seat or the ground.
"Oh really?" He muttered before dumping his cigarette butt out the window.
"Yes, I like your company." I automatically replied and heard another 'che' leave his lips. It was sometimes hard keeping up the facade of being the nice one when sometimes all I wished to do was snap back at people...and mostly at Sanzo for how much he confused me.
"I'm not good co-" I was pulling back the covers on the bed when Sanzo haltered in his ever defiant rants and looked back at him to see he was holding the piece of paper Goyjo had slipped under the door.
"What's this?" He demanded having read over it before scrunching it into the palm of his hand.
"Goyjo thinks that will help me with my problem."
"Do you have a problem?" He questioned me; those purple eyes of his looking for any hidden movements that would give away a lie. However, he was trying to figure out the one person he probably didn't understand a lot of the time and didn't want to either. After all, I was extremely talented at locking things away in my own heart.
"No..." I replied innocently and knew that Sanzo would have to take it as the truth. It felt horrible to lie to him, but I didn't wish to become excess baggage. I didn't wish to be thrown out of this mission. I didn't wish to be alone. I didn't want a life without them...without...Sanzo...
"Fine." The conversation was over and as Sanzo turned around to look back out the window I hopped into the bed and pulled the covers up to my chin and turned my back to the golden haired man that always plagued my thoughts.
I wasn't sure how long it had been, seconds, minutes, maybe even hours but I felt a sudden presence by the side of the bed, but continued to remain calm and left my eyes closed.
"Your problems aren't my business..." Sanzo spoke sternly as he stood over my supposedly sleeping form. "But if you need to get them out then do so. Like I said I don't need excess baggage along the way, so sort out your shit fast." There was nothing but silence then and I heard the springs on Sanzo's bed give way to his weight.
"Hope..." I blurted out into the darkness of the room.
"What?"
"I just...need hope...I guess..." I wasn't sure where I was going with this and I'm sure Sanzo didn't have a clue either, but hope just seemed like the perfect word right now.
The relationship between Goku and Sanzo would always be the strongest, but I guess in my hope I had wanted Goyjo and I to be in that relationship, that supposed trust and bond as well. Goyjo was already the annoying and protective brother to both Goku and I, but I guess my ideals lay in the fact I wanted a bond with Sanzo. I didn't know why my heart wanted to feel that way for Sanzo but it just did. I don't know how strong this feeling would get either, but right now it felt ready to burst from my very chest. All I wanted was to reach out, but I never did for fear of being slapped away by him. This was after all the "don't touch me or I'll kill you" Sanzo.
"Keep being you."
"What?" I was stumped. I never dreamed that I would receive a response from Sanzo at all. I turned on the bed and was of course looking at Sanzo prominent back.
"Do as the note says you idiot. Don't try and be perfect, don't try and be someone else, just be you and when you let go whatever you want will come to you. Only time will tell...and I say time happens to be on our side." I felt the corners of my lips turn up into a genuine smile. He was so stubborn and self-centred at times, which made me like him even more. Sanzo's words always seemed to ring true in my mind whenever he spoke and it brought me comfort.
Arigatou Goyjo..."Sanzo?"
"What now?" He grumbled once more and I felt my lips quirk even more. Was he perhaps angered that he had "helped" me loose my burden when he always confessed that he never cared about other peoples business?
"Thank you...for giving me hope." I whispered into the darkness once more and then closed my eyes. This night my smile would not leave my lips...and it was all in thanks to the one I had secretly desired to give me a little bit more hope.
The End
Authors Notes: Um, I don't know, this is like complete crap I suppose. I just felt obliged to try and write something for the August Challenge at SanzoxHakkai ML cause I love the pairing so much. So to anyone that liked this, I'm so glad and by the way this is devoted (if its worthy enough) to all the Sanzo x Hakkai Members. Keep them stories coming Minna-san!
Oh I used the "Engrish" lyrics from Goyjo's Rebirth song since I love that song!