This is the story of two people who have been emotionally and mentally cut off from the world around them. They have been estranged from emotions until these eyes meet up again. What will happen? L/J R for later chapters
Disclaimer: I own no characters, places, ideas, or plots created by Miss Rowling.
No Longer Estranged chp 7
"Friendship can sometimes end in love, but love in friendship, never."
-Unknown
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Last time…
"Prongs…" she said quietly "That's what they called you in school." She nodded to Remus and Sirius "Peter too, he called you that. I hated those stupid names. I hated whenever you used them and thought you were to cool to pay any attention to any other being on the planet, let alone the school. I hated the way you all went through girls as if they were nothing but a breeze in the air. I hated…" she stopped herself for a moment and held onto the bed post for support, as her anger now was so full of power that it had diminished the fear and was making her weaker by the moment. Lily rose her eyes and drew them level to James' now tear filled eyes.
"I hated you." She whispered, fury lining every syllable
"L-Lily-" James started to walk towards her, just wanting to touch her. But with each step he took she took one backwards.
"Don't touch Me." she screeched "You…you…" Lily took a deep, raspy breath, trying desperately to quell her malevolence. "You lied to me."
James felt his heart break within his chest.
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"I-I trusted you with my life." She ran her fingers through her hair, looking about the room in perturbation, hoping to find a reason why he had done this to her, an honest reason why he had took her trust, her body, and her love just to throw it in the bloody trash. In his spent box. But as her eyes finally landed on his crestfallen face, one would think with one look into those tear full brown eyes that she might feel sympathy, or understand why he had completely toyed with her life. But all Lily saw was distrust, she now knew that honest would never be a word that could ever grace the presence of the James Potter. She held no sympathy for him. She held no pain for him. She held nothing but contempt at that moment.
Lily tightened her grip on the bedpost and looked at James' physical attributes. His usual strong, erect body was now slumped over, in a defensive, guilty, demoralized position. Lily's mind scrolled over her current life, the real one. The one with the job and the family and the friends. The future that they didn't have. A future she would never let herself share with a man who took advantage of her in a weakened state, and made her believe he loved her just to get some kicks. Just for sex. Lily's abhorrence for men, and her disbelief in what James had done to her built up so powerfully in her chest that she felt she needed to release her magic with anger, with pain. So she stood straight and swiftly walked over to James, a look of hope in his eyes, as she was now not even a foot from his face. But with a loud crash of hope and skin on skin, Lily had hit James straight across the face. The power of her hand was supported by so much magic that it caused him to almost fall down, and turn completely around.
He had no strength to look her in the eyes. He had no courage to look her in the eyes as his mind was screaming at him with her hateful words. Her betrayed voice rung in his ears as he felt her just standing there staring at him. Waiting for him to get up and retaliate, to hit her back or to say anything that would cause her to hit him again. Just so he could feel a small inch of the torment he had caused her. But all he did was get up and turn round to face her, a blank expression on his face.
The pallid demeanor fueled Lily's anger even more. 'How could he just stand there without showing an inch of remorse? A small amount of guilt?' But all Lily found on James' face was death. This made her so ferocious she swung back her hand once more and readied herself to hit him. The impact of the hit was the same as the first, James let the sting set in before turning back to look at her, except this time he took a step closer to her. Lily was to intent on the pain she was causing him to care where his feet were leading him. This time Lily pounded her fist against his chest and James took it as if it was a small child having a tantrum.
She couldn't take the anguish she was feeling anymore, his betrayal, and the rape of her life turned from infuriation to desolation. So with a dwindling anger she hit his chest again and again, weaker each time as tears poured from her eyes and she cried out in frustration just wanting him to feel pain. Until she broke down in his arms sobbing, and taking unwanted comfort from his strength.
James cradled her in his arms as they descended to the floor both weak from the pain. For James was also feeling indescribable pain. He felt as if his parents had died all over again, for he knew the one he loved the most in the world would be leaving him forever. Probably in a matter of minutes if she could control her sobs.
Lily pulled away from James, still crying endlessly. But she wanted to look into his eyes once more before she left. She wanted to see the happiness and joy and love she saw just a half-hour ago in his eyes. But this time, what she saw, did break her heart…again. His eyes were dull as if he had nothing to look forward to. She knew that feeling, she knew she would never again wake to James' smiling content face. Or feel his body next to hers. So before she left she needed to know a few things, a few truths.
"Why?" she whispered only audible to his ears. Her body was shaking from the intense emotions plaguing her mind.
James sighed wanting to kiss her tears away once more but knew he would never get away with anything like that again. "Because, with you I felt like life was worth living." He stated simply not knowing a more romantic answer to give her
"How could you fall in love with me at one glance? You saw me half dead and knew you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me?" Lily supported herself on the bedpost as she slowly pushed herself off the floor, wanting to leave his gaze forever, and preparing to.
"There's no way to explain it Lily I-." He sighed in frustration "How did you feel?"
She looked at James in disbelief, he turned the question on her and she just needed to leave. She wanted to go home and curl up in her own bed not living in the world anymore. Not having to prove herself to this stupid world. Not having to show her heartbreak and her love for James.
"I don't know what I felt James. Maybe it was all an illusion, a side effect of the gas."
"Lil, how could you-"
"All I am certain of, is I can never trust you again. You stole my life from me, James. And no feelings that I had however strong they were, could make up for it. " She walked past him swiftly, stopping only when she felt his hand on hers. That one soft touch sent a thrill of electricity streaking through her body she had known few times before this, and only by his touch. So with a strong will not to break down again, she turned around one last time and kissed him sweetly on the corner of his mouth. James wanted to sweep her up into his arms and never let her go. But that would be imprisonment, and hadn't he already subjected her to enough of that?
"I'm so, so sorry, Lily. Please-oh god please don't leave me." He begged quietly so only she could hear his words. So only she could feel his hot breath on her skin, making it tingle with the gentle sensations.
Lily took James face in both her hands and studied it. He truly loved her for some reason unknown, and she loved him for that same reason. When he was there the world had seemed perfect. Not knowing who she truly was and what her life had been, in way for these past few days had been a blessing. Her life had turned repetitive, everyday, every week and every month the same routine. Work, idleness, the occasional mindless banter over coffee with Caroline and Lisa. A dead family, nobody who ever understood her. And there was James, staring her down with love and pain stewed into one big mess of human emotion. And all the same idleness she had felt for the past few years, until they met once again.
But now all there was for her to do, was tumble into his arms and hold him until the world crumbled around them. Forever confessing love for the other person, and forging into the night with New Hope and new life. But all she could bring herself to do was force a smile and whisper gently.
"I love you James, and I never want to see you again." So with that she turned on her heel and walked out the door, not caring about hospital policy or the stares she was getting from the other three people in the room. She only kept her putting one foot in front of the other, staring straight ahead, and find the nearest fireplace to floo out of there.
James stared at the spot Lily had been. He touched the spots on his face her fingers had touched. Only moments ago had she been there with him, been in his life. But now, because of his need and the arrogant stupor she had put him in, her life and his would only be connected by a bitter memory. He remembered her scared face when he first saw her after she woke up. Not knowing who or where she was, and pleading with her soul not to hurt her. He felt her worry in her eyes.
He felt Sirius' body come towards him, but he didn't want to be touched at the moment, so he backed away. With one last look at the room he apparated back to his flat in England, not wanting to go back to the flat in Dublin for fear of the memories he might see.
Sirius looked over at Remus and Cassandra. Cassandra's face was flooded with tears, as he could tell by her crestfallen look that her eyes were flooded with guilt. He wondered how she could blame herself? He realized that he was in the wrong, not Cassandra or Remus for wanting Lily to make a choice of her own. But him and James for assuming what the decision would be, and how to keep the fallacies in tact. Siriues walked over to Remus a gave him a nod for goodbye. Cassandra stared at him blankly as he came up to her. Her usual upbeat, snappy disposition was now leaning against the wall for support, and inside, praying for someone to forgive her.
She vaguely felt Sirius' hand touch hers with care. But she couldn't respond to the gesture, all she could hear in her head were the words spoken by the two, now ex-lovers. She had no clue about how powerful this love was. She had just ruined Lily's life and all her hope of happiness. Just because she hadn't trusted James and Sirius. But then her mind snapped back into place. What reason have they ever given her to trust them? They have never both acted kind to her, just because of her friendship with Lily. Who they also both despised in Hogwarts. So why should she have believed that James was telling the truth? He hadn't told Lily the truth, so what reason would he have to tell Cassandra the truth? What reason would Sirius have for telling her the truth? She knew what his feelings were, and she knew what her feelings were but the past and present workings of evil just kept a true relationship from blooming. But now it seems the past was all along the true reason for their resistance.
She returned to the world from her blank remorse to tell Sirius off, and blame him for all of this. But all she saw was Remus giving her a nod goodbye and dissaparating back to wherever he went. So Cassandra went and punched out of work saying a family emergency just came up and that she had to leave work for a few days. Lily would need her for quite a while…
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Lily had apparated back to her flat in London. Her home was a quaint, small apartment furnished with comfy love seats meant to be occupied by a couple of some sort. People who snuggled up together, for a warm winters night in front of the fire. But she was sitting there alone at the moment. So alone that all the friends in the world could not reach her ears. She had no lover to comfort her after a nightmare; she had no special someone to cozy up with for some hot tea and hunny. At least not anymore…
No words could now describe the fire burning up her heart. She didn't exactly know why she felt so betrayed. One would expect a trick like this pulled from James Potter, it was just the affirmation of his monstrous nature. All the years she had known him, he would say horrible things to her. Such as making fun of her younger fiery red hair, or calling her a teachers pet. Only small impish comments such as those, but those were the ones that stung the most for some reason. She would have been able to stand up to him fully if he had denounced her family name, or if he had claimed prejudice against her muggle heritage…mudblood was the word she heard from the truly horrible students. But he would only sink to a level that she herself would have had to sink to, to get back at him.
But James was the opposite of calling a person a mudblood, denouncing one for their parents' blood was a step he would never have taken. And she hated him for it in school. If only he had sunk that one inch lower she could have been the better person in their games and brawls. Her not admitting blood into the snippy comments, and him trying every interval and idea to hurt her.
As Lily gazed into a fire another memory returned to her…as not all have been completely restored. An instance, one lonely hour when Lily and James had quelled there anger, and somewhat felt a preview of the tremendous feelings they had for each other now. He was a seventh year, and her a fifth year. She remembered they were serving a detention for shooting spells at each other during a study break in the library, and it was the night before the seventh year commencement ceremony.
"I can't bloody believe you've given me a detention tonight of all nights, Evans!" James grunted as he threw a rag full of smelly polish onto a special service award.
"Don't blame me Potter" she snapped back with the same vehemence. She had been looking forward to a night out with her friends in Hogsmeade. All her exams were over and she had passed wonderfully, save a couple subjects. Studying straight through a twenty-four hour day for about two months before the actual exams could accumulate some stress, so blowing off steam in the Three Broomsticks seemed like a fabulous idea.
"You're the one who had to cause a ruckus in the Library. Couldn't you have acted civil for once in your pathetic life?"
"Civil? Never heard of the word, besides, if I ever acted civil, how could I torture my favorite ickle carrot top?" he poked her back playfully, taking pleasure in her aggravated huffs and puffs.
"Cut it already, will you? You've been going on about the color of my hair since my first year. Don't you think the topics gone a bit off colored?" she tried to persuade him to use some alternate route of teasing, she had always been sensitive about the outgoing color of her hair.
"Never, Evans." James grabbed her wrist and pulled her close to him forcing her to look him in the eyes. Her stunned look made him grin evilly in his ever-playful mood. "For your fiery red hair is the cause of you fiery red temper, and those beautiful green eyes of yours just make you look more like a dragon than ever!"
Lily dismissed the dragon comment and focused on the word beautiful. Had James Potter actually just given Lily Evans a sort of compliment? Or was it her imagination? But she realized her ears were in complete working order as she saw James' face convert from an evil grin, slowly into a look of realization, embarrassment, and shock. Their bodies were very close and James was still hold Lily's hands tight in his, for some reason not wanting to let go of the feeling her soft hands held within them. Lily face was matching her hair the more she stood there, not exactly hating the feeling of his body so close to hers and not intending harm, but rather she was uncomfortable. So she pulled away and regrettably continued polishing the trophies. After a moment she heard James clear his throat and continue doing the same.
It was about ten minutes before they talked to eachother again, except this time without the bitterness and spite.
"What are you doing over the summer Evans? Playing with your little friends?" he hadn't intended to sound as if he was mocking her, he just want to ask a simple question. But lily heard the tone, but luckily due to the pink that still lingered in her cheeks, she dismissed the tone of the remark.
"No, I go home, to be with my family."
"Ahh, mother, father…sibling, I presume?"
"You presume correctly about the sibling, I have an older sister." She saw a look of confusion on his face. "She is as muggle as they come, that's why she didn't attend Hogwarts."
"And did I presume incorrectly about your parents?" James asked gently. He knew something was abnormal about Lily's family, for her parents had always been a touchy subject that she would usually shy off of. But for some reason, not tonight.
"Yes…" she replied softly "My parents died last year." An uncomfortable silence ensued after this comment.
"Mine too. Well not my parents…my brother…and my two sisters." He replied looking back at her. She whipped her head around in sympathy and a sort of shock. She would have never thought James' family would have been different or broken. "I was a fifth year when they died." He began in difficulty, as if this story had been told few times and far between. "My parents and I were at the Quiditch World Cup...Laura and John couldn't go because of work problems, too busy to bother with childish games. And Elizabeth…" James closed his eyes and swallowed hard, the familiar feeling of regret coursing through his heart to his stomach. "She was just a little girl, three years old and too young to be attending a loud Quiditch match…we came back home the night after the game finished and…"
They looked at each other and shared an uncommon bond, and a question each knew the other just had to ask. So the question went unsaid, but the answer was unfortunately mutual.
"Voldemort?" They asked keeping their eyes steadily on the others, concentrating on keeping sensitive emotions from letting loose.
"Voldemort." They both replied simultaneously, for a moment just staring at the other in a new light. As if all those petty arguments had never been, that the others faults were just a small passing that one could forget in an instant. Lily noticed something different about James' face, while gazing intently into this new discovery of a soul. His eyes had an affect of kindness. Beneath all the jokes and childish antics was a person with emotions and understandings of human condition.
They found eachother standing inches away from the other, as if gravity itself had grabbed them by the collar and pulled them to a better understanding…just inches away. Even though James would have been prepared for these types of new and inquisitive emotions, Lily was only a fifth year…and because of her parents' death and the mistreatment of her by her endearing sister…emotion beyond grief, bitterness, estrangement…was just going through the motions.
So with a small twinge of regret she gave James a meek smile, and returned to the trophy she had been polishing. James, realizing that though they had shared a moment of understanding, even a small affinity between them could be non-existent. So with one last glance at the other they took in the understanding and returned back to their polishing, and odd lives. The next day James tripped Lily in the corridor walking back to the common rooms, and she forgot of his brother and sisters. Lily turned James' hair green and silver, and he forgot about her parents. They both rekindled the flame of dislike in their bodies.
Lily returned to the real world when she saw a body emerge from the flames she had been staring into.
"Good Godric Lily!" Caroline shrieked rushing over to her and throwing her arms about her neck. Lily kept her body still but put her arm on Caroline's back. Converting back to her old life would be a painful process.
"Lisa and I thought you were dead, we went everywhere to look for you…the ministry, the muggle police…your sisters house." She shuddered and Lily gave a small smile of appreciation.
"I'm fine Caroline, I've been in the hospital these past few days. The gas in Diagon Alley made me…lose my…memory for a few days, but beside that I'm all right."
Caroline smiled at Lily and flipped her hair over her shoulder in that affected way, but soon her expression changed from relief to absolute disgust. "Lily what in Gods name are you wearing?"
Lily glanced down at James' sweatpants and sweatshirt and felt the urge to never change out of those clothes again. She put her arms around herself in a protective manner, as is saying to back off those sacred shrouds, scented with James. But Caroline shrugged her odd manner of behavior off and stood up taking out her wand.
"Let's apparate over to Lisa's house so she knows you're all right, OK? Lily what's the matter?"
Lily's face had gone blank as she went to reach for her wand, when she realized she had never had time to put her wand in her pocket. Her wand was in her other pair of clothes. Her clothes were back at James' flat. Her wand was back at James' flat.
She would have to go back.
A/N: Again I ask all my wonderful, wonderful readers to forgive my slow pace. But as you know I am writing this for my own personal reasons not just to get reviews. Although your reviews have really given me confidence in this story. I started out unsure of myself whether I should post it or just keep it for myself, but you all have truly inspired me to shar it with others So I thank all of you, even to those who don't review. For you just to take time out of your day to read this is a gift to me, so again thank you. Now I'm sorry to say this but, don't hold your breath for the next chapter because as usual I have no clue as to when I'll have it out. It could be a week a few week, or maybe even a few months. I don't know. Just keep reading and I'll be happy.
Six83: I'm happy you're enjoying reading this. Umm, I don't know how many chapters I am going to write, and I apologize for the cliff hangers…I actually sort of enjoy writing them so I'm afraid you should expect more. Which completely makes me a hypocrite as I too despise cliff hangers when I read them. Keep on reading my story, and thanks for the review.
LilyEvansPotter3: I hope you are satisfied with this chapter as much as you were with the last one! Again, sorry for the cliff hangers…they're just too much fun! Thanks for you review!
miss-mags-ak: Here's more!
littlx1: Wow, I'm one of two on your favorites list? Thank you! Sorry for the cliffhanger…wow you guys really don't like those do you?
madam me: I've read stories that have made me shake with excitement before, and they were much more intense than mine. But I know what you mean, and thank you for actually thinking that mine story is up to such a high caliber!
Lilbird: OK there might have been a mistake in my writing that I am just now realizing. At the beginning of this story I was confused over the names of Lily's friends. In the first chapter there was mention of a girl named Lisa once or twice than her name for some odd reason changed to Cassandra. I suppose that I was writing Lisa's character while I had the paradox of Cassandra's character in my head. So the Cassandra at the beginning of the story is not the Cassandra that is in Lily's memory and at the hospital. Again I am very sorry. And I must ask…why do you hate Cassandra? In my opinion she is one of the few morally correct characters in this story.
Abittooopinionated: I cannot tell you how much your review meant to me. I have NEVER received a review to that extent. What you said truly made me proud to be the author of this story. There are no words I can say to express the gratitude I feel toward you so I'm going to narrow it down to 2 simple words: THANK YOU!!!!
Well that's all folks…click in for the next chapter. And I truly hoped you liked this one. Thanks again for reading!
Disclaimer: I own no characters, places, ideas, or plots created by Miss Rowling