This is the story of two people who have been emotionally and mentally cut off from the world around them. They have been estranged from emotions until these eyes meet up again. What will happen? L/J R for later chapters
Disclaimer: I own no characters, places, ideas, or plots created by Miss Rowling.
No Longer Estranged chp 9
"If we begin with certainties, we shall end in doubts; but if we begin with doubts, and are patient in them, we shall end in certainties."
-Bacon, Francis
A warm welcome wasn't expected. A look of malcontent and vexation was. And that's what he received the moment Lily opened the door. She was in a terry cloth robe, that fresh look of just emerging from the shower still hovering around her. Her cheeks were still red from the hot water, the red of her hair was darker than usual with the damp, and her lips were more pronounced in the frown she was giving him once her eyes met his.
She had welcomed him in her home with much hesitation, and he could see she was trying desperately to keep up appearances, and not send every hex at him that she ever knew. Although he couldn't understand why, as he was there to bring back her wand and all her clothes. Maybe she was expecting to grab the clothes and the wand, jam the door shut in his face and never have to deal with any of the 'marauders' again.
Unfortunately for her, he asked to come in. he got a good look at the place when she rushed off to make herself look decent for an unwelcome guest. The flat was small, if you could even call it a flat. It was more like a bedroom/living room with kitchen/dining room with bathroom. He was surprised to see that the room he was sitting in was in such a state of disarray. There were clothes flung about the room over random chairs and sofa-side tables. Books also seemed to have been cast from their places on the bookshelves that occupied one of the walls next to a window. Under the window he saw a seat with parchment scrawled all over it. One of the pieces he saw seemed to actually have been torn out of a book. Thinking back on his days in Hogwarts, if the Lily then could see her life now, she would probably have killed herself then and there.
He had thought that he found Lily to be the usual predictable girl. Always on time, always within the correct bounds, and always in control of her own predicament. 'I suppose that's why this…event…came as even a worse shock to her. Everything was right, everything had it's place and time.' But now, her life was just as messed up as the very room he stood in.
"So, Remus." He jumped as her controlled voice emerged from the bedroom "Do you have my wand?" simple as that, no small talk, no bull shit just straight to the point. The sooner she gets this over with, the faster he would leave, or so she thought.
"Yes, and a few articles of clothing I believe belong to you." He looked at the tag of the sweater she had left behind "I don't think James could fit into a size medium for women." She shifted at his name. It's as if he were saying Voldemort over and over again, the longer he staid on that subject, he knew the more and more shifty or anxious she would get.
"Lily, you can't want to forget-"
"No Remus. I can want to forget, thank you very much." She grabbed the bag with her personals and threw them next to her bedroom door, extracting her wand and putting it in her back jean pocket. "Now I would appreciate it if you left me alone, I have a lot of explaining to do to my boss tomorrow when I get back to work and if you don't mind, I would like to write my own resignation speech instead of getting murdered."
She walked briskly towards the door and opened it gesturing for him leave, not willing herself to look him in the eye. But Remus wouldn't let it end that quickly, he came here with a mission, to save his friends humanity. And he wouldn't leave until what was needed had been laid out. So he got up slowly making to leave held the side of the door in his hand, and slammed it shut walking back to the sofa with just as much cool as he had when he began.
"Get out Remus." She hissed quietly, the shock of the loud slam still resonated within her
"Sit down Lily." He stated quietly with just as much force
"Why?" she finally looked up at him, no tears present. She was void of any emotion…only indifference. "What's the point? What, are you going to beg forgiveness on your dear friends' behalf? Why, does he not have the balls to come grovel himself?"
"Lily he may have been in the wrong on the whole lying part"
She scoffed at this "No shit. -"
"But there was no lie in the fact that-"
"No lies? No lies for James fucking potter, is that possible?"
"That he loves you damn it!" Remus threw his hands down and stood up facing her. Her face no longer void, but now full of confusion and doubt.
"Then why-"
"Nobody can answer that except him, and right now he's too ashamed to even mention you."
"He should be…" she mumbled in spite of the powerful feelings of guilt she also felt. For it was also her fault that she was in this predicament. It was also her fault that she stayed there, that she stayed with him those days…that she fell in love. She could have been more persistent with him taking her to St. Mungo's or for him to rectify her memory. But no, he intrigued her. By the slight way his glasses would fall down the bridge of his nose, making him look more studious. By the way when he was nervous, or just needed something to fill the dull seconds…he would ruffle his hair making it even more of a wind blown catastrophe. Or even by the way his eyes would capture her, would suck the oxygen out of her body, and make her drown in those pools of starlight.
"Your right, he should be. But Lily obviously you must feel something for him if this could impact you so hard." He saw something flicker in her expression, a moment of realization, or understanding of some kind.
The truth was James hadn't just effected some small part of her day-to-day living. He had changed her world. When he walked back into her life the feelings of loneliness and estrangement she faced everyday melted away. There was no one that mattered and understood her more than James. Just one glance, that one glance inside the café. She remembered, the whole time she knew deep down inside of her, that mysterious man who had sent waves of heat running through her body with his intense stare and purposeful strides had actually kissed her. Had held her. Had made love to her. He had said he loved her, and he wasn't lying. She knew it. He made her human again.
"Lily?" Lily looked up with a smile on her face at Remus. A sad smile of capitulation, but a glint of joy within her eyes. How could she deny herself the one person that pulls it all together? True he had kept their entire history with eachother completely hidden, but she didn't make it any harder for him to hide any facts. She wanted to be blinded; she liked the feeling of true happiness.
"Do you love him back? If you don't I'll leave and will make sure that you never have to deal with James Potter…or any of us for that matter…in a personal way." Lily reached out and took Remus' hand turning it over, tracing the lines on the palm of his hand. Reading a past that wasn't welcome, that shouldn't be told. She felt the pain he felt each month, the unique circle in the middle of his palm told the story of a young boy and his demons, but that time was not now. Now it was her turn to be justified, her turn to have people who can save her. Her turn to have a love beyond family.
He looked to her, awaiting her answer only to be greeted by the small glint and grin of a girl he once knew.
Once Remus left, Lily was left to her thoughts. These past few days alone she found herself wasting her time by delving into her memories and extracting the ones she thought worth remembering. Times herself and Cassandra scraped by in sticky situations, nearly ruining her perfect reputation with professors. The few happy times she could remember with her parents were nice times to look back on. They were the ones that least reminded her of James.
But now that she knew what was to become of her life, she only wanted to remember the feelings she felt while with James, the stolen glances and secret smiles. She tried so hard to look perplexed and nonchalant around him about the whole quandary. Acting as if it was the only matter of importance, the fact that her heart had beaten faster than she could ever remember in her entire life. Except one other time…it wasn't exactly a happy memory…but it still happened…
Lily sat in the dark passageway behind the tapestry of Errol the 3rd on the 3rd floor. She felt alone more than ever now, it seemed her emotions were tripled now. Everything she felt, be it anger or hopelessness tripled as the emotions torn a whole through heart and created a barrier of chains and concrete around it. Nothing mattered anymore anyway. People were just heathens waiting for a kill, or some spot of glory they can be admired in for some stupid or horrendous thing they had done. People were people, nothing-miraculous…just people. All people had a time to die. A tear trickled down her smooth face as she frantically tried to hold in the gigantic sob she wanted to let go.
All people had a time of their own to die, to go on to the next great adventure…but why did some people's adventures have to start so soon?
"Oy watch it!"
"Ah-" Lily now had a reason to let that great sob out, as something large and heavy just fell on to her. Her chest was heaving, her heart was racing, and even though the position she was in was quite uncomfortable (a man by the feel of it, lying on top of her) she couldn't help but want the boy to stay near and keep her warm in the dark passageway.
"Terribly sorry, m'dear" the voice in the dark muttered, although he did not move from the spot he was in. Even through the pitch black, Lily could see the hint of a very big grin with white teeth. She rolled her eyes and pushed him off of her, still not able to recognize the face as she took her previous position against the stone cold wall.
"That's fine, but the next time you feel like tearing off into a pitch black corridor maybe you should bring a wand and use a light charm. That way any unsuspecting bystanders won't be caught in a very improper position." Lily stared at the wall not wanting to know whom it was that landed on her, and the embarrassment she could face if she found out.
"Ah but that is the beauty of dark corridors…is that they are dark. And at best you cannot and should not be seen in the dark." He was being a smart-ass and she knew it. "May I ask the name of the lady I have trampled with such grace."
"I'd rather not-"
"I could just whip out my wand and see with a light charm, as you so kindly suggested." A real smart ass
"I could just whip out my wand and hex you before you even got to yours."
"What if I said I already had mine in my hand."
"Then you would be lying" she grinned for the first time in weeks
"How can you know that, when it is pitch black in this dark corridor, as you said so yourself?"
"Because your hands seem to be situated on both my ankles at the moment." She reached over and tapped his fingers to release her from their slightly painful grip.
"Why you would be correct." He sighed and let go of her, giving her right ankle a little squeeze just to be playful. "All right enough of this, why were you sitting here for me to trample in the first place."
'Because my parents were murdered three weeks ago on Christmas Eve by the most evil bastard of a wizard. Meanwhile, as a result of this attack, and because I am the only magical folk in the history of my family (as far as I know) the rest of my family (albeit, is just my git of a sister) blame and have disowned me. Oh, and if you don't fully comprehend this situation…it means I have nothing! Nada! Done! I'm on the street; I have no money, and nowhere to go. I'm too proud to ask any of my friends for help because they think my family is perfect, and I absolutely don't want any of their pity. So my address at the moment is Hogwarts, no family that will admit it, and no money except what's in my pocket…and that's all muggle. Oh yes, I forgot that. I'm a muggle-born, or what the bigots in this school prefer to call a mudblood. That's why I'm sitting here... and you?'
But all she said was "I just needed some time alone."
"Alone? You could've gone anywhere."
She felt him shifting around, probably trying to dig inside his pockets to fetch his wand and truly use the light charm on her. She figured she should leave, or make him leave at least…before that happened. She didn't need anymore rumors going about the school that concerned her.
"Such as?"
"Your dormitory?"
"Too many girls flitting about and worrying about their hair." This was no exaggeration.
"The library."
"I would feel compelled to study something, and wouldn't have time to my thoughts."
"That's quite repulsive actually, how about a corner in your common room, or by the fireside."
"Again, to much noise from other students to truly concentrate."
"You must really need absolute silence to concentrate…" she ignored this snobby comment "The school grounds"
"It's too cold outside to sit and freeze my arse off."
"The forbidden forest?"
"Are you mad?"
"Are you chicken?"
"Who are you?" she asked fed up with these games
"That's better left unsaid for now, m'dear."
"Well if you won't tell me your name I shall have to be determined not to speak to you!"
"There are other things people can do in the dark without talking." She felt his hand sneak back onto her ankle, massaging it slightly. But she quickly pushed it away, her common sense pushing through her grief, and want of company.
"No thank you, for all I know you could be some ugly pig just trying to get some kicks."
Actually I happen to be a handsome pig trying to get some kicks."
"Please go away…"
She knew her weakness and loneliness was apparent in her voice, she knew he could tell how estranged from the world at that moment she felt, and that he was the only one who knew of her feelings of longing. And she couldn't make herself care less.
"I'm not going to hurt you, you don't have to frightened."
"I'm not afraid of you!" she cried indignantly "It's just-it's just"
"It's just, it's just what? Out with it already."
"It's just like any man to think that a girl would be scared of them. Your all chauvinistic pigs." She felt her anger surge through her as she stood up and readied herself to run for it. "All of you couldn't have one speck of something resembling a soul within you! You selfish bastards! All you want is power and you think, oh look a helpless family let's go tear their lives to shreds!" the tears were flowing freely now.
"Half a moment, I didn't say anything about a family! What are you on about?" He stood up and looked at her as hard as possible within the darkness
"No, I can't go home…I can't go home…" she muttered to herself, the serious truth finally registering in her mind "I can't go anywhere, because you men, you hateful ridiculous shit for brains, fucking git men, you took it all." Her screaming at him and sobbing made her voice go hoarse, whatever she said it hurt to say, but she didn't want to stop she couldn't stop. Even when she felt his arms rap around her, his warm strong-arms protecting her. She still wanted to hate him just for the simple fact that he was the same sex of the man who killed her parents.
"Sshh, someone's going to think I've bloody done something to you." He grinned at her even knowing she couldn't see it.
"You've-taken-my-life. He's-tak-en-my life…" she sobbed onto his chest. His hands wrapped around her wet cheeks, lifting them up to face him. She averted her eyes from his glance, instead watching the outline of her hands on his chest.
"Can I ask-" he started but she didn't want to here it, not from a man.
"Just stop! I don't need any sympathy, I don't want your sympathy." She tried to pull away but he held onto her face. She didn't know what he was doing and her common sense told her to run like hell. But for some reason, her gut told her to stay. And she did…just in time to realize he was only wiping the tears from her face, nothing more.
"Sorry, but I'm not the one crying on your chest…am I?" she smiled grimly at this unknown face, wondering how such a stranger, such a cocky stranger at that, could help her with such a horrible event in her life. No matter how passing the moment might have been. He slowly moved his hands from her face, to her upper back, back down to her waist, pulling her body closer to his.
"Now, I think its time that we-"
"Oy!" A voice from down the passageway called. They both stepped away from eachother, as if it was a habit between the two of them.
"Oy James are you in here, mate?" Lily backed away from his even more. James? Not James Potter. Not the most narcissistic person in this school? Lily could see a light approaching them, so she took one last glance at the boy as a slight light graced his face, and sure enough she saw the round rimmed glasses, and blue eyes behind them. With a quick step, Lily ran out from behind the tapestry thanking Godric Gryffindor that no one was there to see the horrible state she was in. But she wasn't safe from embarrassment yet, as she felt a hand grab her wrist and turn her around so quickly that she had to hold on to the culprit so she wouldn't fall down. Once she had a good grip, she looked up to see James Potter staring right back at her. With a forceful shove she was out of his grasp.
"Potter what are you playing at?"
"Shut up Evans and stop thinking about yourself for once!"
She was so shocked at this rebuttal, had this really been the person who had comforted her not moments ago?
"Myself? You're the one who ran int-"
"All right. All right, don't give yourself a stroke. But did you see-"
"No! I have not seen whatever it is your asking me that I've seen. Now would you please run along and learn to become a civilized human being." She started to walk off but turned for one last spit "Or is that too much out of reach for the evolution of your gender?" and with that she stalked off, never wanting to remember those moments with James Potter in the dark corridor on the 3rd floor.
Until now.
After Remus had left his apartment earlier James had been in a mental stupor. With every thought that transpired in his head, he felt himself sink deeper and deeper into some sort of catatonic state. The past week kept flashing through his mind, all the looks they had given eachother, the few happy moments that passed between the two lovers. His life before this phenomenon of newly discovered existence…and after…how being in full throttle love could change everything. All his views on society, on men, and women especially were no longer the same. They could never measure up to the intensity and vastness of character that was Lily Evans. They will never be her, no one will. But the one thought that he seems to keep pondering about is why didn't he feel this when he knew her in school? True, the fact of age was a larger determinant in their teenage years…but she's not a different person, she's still the Evans he teased and tormented. But maybe that's why he beleaguered her in school. It was as if he had a normal boy crush…the more you torture the girl, the more it's evident that you like her.
But no longer was it just some adolescent crush; it was something no one could touch. A supernatural force that went beyond the world of their magic, beyond enchantments, beyond intricate love potions…or sonaris….this was the real thing and he wasn't going to let it go to waist. How many times in one's life can you truly say that you have been in love? That you've experienced, and survived, the ultimate test of humanity.
Not many can. So with newfound determination, James shook himself of the silence and loss and prepared him self…for a lot of groveling. He grabbed his robe and scarf, bracing himself for the harsh cold of winter opened the door to his Dublin flat and readied himself for apparition. However the image that manifested itself in front of him was too heavenly to deny an audience.
He lingered for a few moments, for his test had arrived.
A/N: Well there's only one more chapter left folks! I think I'll be making a few changes to chapters before this, so if it says updates and you don't see any new chapters that's the reason why. I know how I want to end it it's just the getting there that will be my demise. I thought it was going to be this chapter, cuz it was hell…that's why it took so long! Well I hope you've enjoyed the story so far…and I hope you enjoy the ending!
Disclaimer: I own no characters, places, ideas, or plots created by Miss Rowling.