Chapter 20
Liz impatiently pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and glanced at the clock. She would finish with plenty of time to spare to practice her accompaniment piece.
Liz startled at the sound of the doorbell. She finished her sentence before getting up to answer it.
"Daddy!" Liz said surprised. "What brings you here?"
She stepped aside so he could enter. "Where's my grandson?"
"With Max and Lily." Liz said studying his face to gage some sort of emotion on his face. He never just showed up at her house, usually he called first. "Is something wrong with Alex or Nancy?"
"No, no." He shook his head and studied his little girl's kitchen. There were multiple pictures of Aidan. One more recent of Lily and Aidan at Isabel's wedding. "Liz."
She stared at him, her arms crossed protectively over her chest.
"I, we need to talk." He said bluntly, he didn't beat around the bush anymore than she did.
Liz resisted letting out a sigh, not another one. She was still tired from last night and she didn't want to deal with anything more.
"Daddy now isn't the best time." She said glancing at the time.
"I know, but now is what I have."
"Let me guess, Nancy doesn't know you're here." She said glaring at him.
"No she doesn't." He shook his head and didn't look back up at her. That is where he screwed up. He didn't know how to fix this mess that he had rolled himself into.
"Daddy I have class in two hours and I have to get ready and practice." Liz tried. This was a conversation she was also dying to have. But she couldn't do it right now. Her emotions were still too fragile still too close to the surface.
"I understand." He said, dejected.
"I don't think you do." She shook her head; it looks like she would be having this conversation now. "Sit."
He sat listening to the authority she played behind her voice. He guessed it was Aidan's in-trouble voice.
"Daddy, you all but forgot me when you married Nancy." She started slowly. "You sent me to boarding school when I was fourteen, that was when I needed to be at home the most. You let me get married at eighteen. Did you support Nancy's idea of me never going to college?"
"No." His voice was husky. "Liz, baby."
"When Jon died, I was devastated. You did not even come out for the funeral, Daddy. I was there alone. Except for Alex, Alex was always there." She smiled a bitter smile. "Do you know what it's like to be alone, pregnant, and recently widowed?"
"No, I wouldn't."
"I wanted to call you so many times, to ask you how you got through it. Losing Mama, and then, when I met Max, letting someone else in."
"Liz, when I lost your mother, I was devastated. You were only three; you used to scream at night. Screaming like I'd never heard. It was pain. But not the kind when you fall and I could kiss it better. I couldn't do anything for you."
****
He was transported to eighteen years earlier.
The screaming started again. Not again, not again.
Jeff Whitman's heart ached for his three-year-old daughter.
"Mama!" The scream came to his ears.
He went to try to comfort her and it stopped for a few minutes. She cuddled up into his chest and he held his breath. She cuddled closer, paused and looked up at him, and screamed.
He stood and walked and walked and walked. It seemed like forever until dawn came.
Her voice was always hoarse during the day, she yelled herself that way.
Later that night the screaming began.
It pulled at his heart to hear the scream of such anguish. This time she kicked and screamed him away. He backed up and shut the door. There was nothing he could do for her.
****
"I'm sorry, Daddy." Liz said. She didn't even remember it. She put him through hell.
"It's alright, Lizzie girl, you didn't know. How was a three-year-old supposed to know?" He scrubbed his hand over his face and chin. "I wish I would have stayed with you. I didn't know what to do."
"You did your best, it must have been awful for you, not being able to help your child." She looked down at her hands.
"I thought you blamed me, Liz. I really did. I walked away from the accident. She didn't. Your relationship with your mother was so great. You followed her everywhere. My first thought when they told me she was dead was, what about Liz?" He looked down and studied her polished wood table. "What am I going to tell her? You depended on her. She stayed at home with you, she took care of you, when she died, everything changed."
"You had to go to daycare, you didn't have any pretty little hair styles, and you didn't have a role model. That's when I married Nancy. You and Alex fell for each other instantly. Liz, there's something I didn't tell you before."
"Go ahead," she said hesitantly.
"Your mother was pregnant, when she died. She wanted you to have a little brother or sister."
Liz's heart lurched. She could have had a little brother or sister. "Oh, Daddy."
"I was driving the car Liz, I was, not your mother, I should have died." He looked down.
"No, Daddy." Liz said trying to sort her feelings.
"I didn't mean to send you away. I grew up with your mother; Liz and you looked.look.just like her. Watching you grow up was bittersweet. I saw your mother in you in everything you did, I wanted to just see you and no one else. So I when Nancy suggested I send you away I thought it would be a good idea. I thought it would make you less like her."
"Then, when you came home, you looked just like your mother, and my heart broke."
"But, I'm not Mama." Liz shook her head. "I'm me. I'm your little girl that screamed and kicked you away. I'm the little girl that mourned the loss of her mother so violently, then, later, the loss of her father." She basically whispered the last part.
"Lizzie girl, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't know what to do." He shook his head and looked at Liz. Really looked at her.
She hadn't taken off her reading glasses, and her hair was swept back in a messy bun to stay out of her face. She looked so much like her mother but, she wasn't. For the first time he saw Liz, she was fully grown, a mother.
"Do you see me, now, Daddy, me?" Liz asked. Hoping desperately that he did. She had always seen the pain in his eyes whenever she looked at him.
"You know, Liz. I remember when you got your reading glasses. I couldn't determine whether you were upset about the glasses or that you could no longer read the piano music as you once had." He smiled at her. He slid the glasses from her face and pulled her towards him. "Yes, my Liz, I see you for who you are. You are your mother's daughter, you would have made her proud."
For the first time in many years she hugged her father.
****
"What you doing?" Aidan asked Max.
"You're supposed to be asleep." Max looked down at the boy who was staring at him in wonderment.
"Not tired. What you doing?" He asked again.
"I'm fixing Lily's crib so she doesn't fall out." Max explained.
"Oh." He walked closer. "I help?"
"Well, sure." Max said. "Come here." He held his hand to him. "Now this, is a screwdriver." He explained. "I have a bigger one but that's too loud and will wake up Lily. We don't want to wake up Lily do we?"
Aidan shook his head quickly. "No, she's sleeping. With her blanket."
"I know." Max smiled at the thought of his daughter. Sure, she was developing an attitude similar to that of his sister's what was wrong with that?
"Why'd you go away?" Aidan asked all of a sudden.
"I had to for a little while." Max said carefully, wondering what Liz had told him.
"Mommy missed you." He said. "I did too."
"I missed you too, Aidan." Max looked at the smaller boy. "Now let me show you how to use the screwdriver."
"Mommy cried." Aidan persisted. "A lot."
"I know, Aidan." Max tried not to feel the pain in his heart for making Liz cry.
"On Christmas."
"I'm sorry, Aidan, I'll try not to make her cry. It hurts me when she cries."
"Me too." Aidan said finally reaching an agreement. "I don't like it."
"I don't like it either." Max nodded his head.
"Now, screwdriver."
Max smiled at the resiliency of youth.
"Yes, yes, give me your hand." Max took Aidan's much smaller hand gently in his own and directed him on how to fix Lily's crib.
Liz impatiently pushed her glasses back up the bridge of her nose and glanced at the clock. She would finish with plenty of time to spare to practice her accompaniment piece.
Liz startled at the sound of the doorbell. She finished her sentence before getting up to answer it.
"Daddy!" Liz said surprised. "What brings you here?"
She stepped aside so he could enter. "Where's my grandson?"
"With Max and Lily." Liz said studying his face to gage some sort of emotion on his face. He never just showed up at her house, usually he called first. "Is something wrong with Alex or Nancy?"
"No, no." He shook his head and studied his little girl's kitchen. There were multiple pictures of Aidan. One more recent of Lily and Aidan at Isabel's wedding. "Liz."
She stared at him, her arms crossed protectively over her chest.
"I, we need to talk." He said bluntly, he didn't beat around the bush anymore than she did.
Liz resisted letting out a sigh, not another one. She was still tired from last night and she didn't want to deal with anything more.
"Daddy now isn't the best time." She said glancing at the time.
"I know, but now is what I have."
"Let me guess, Nancy doesn't know you're here." She said glaring at him.
"No she doesn't." He shook his head and didn't look back up at her. That is where he screwed up. He didn't know how to fix this mess that he had rolled himself into.
"Daddy I have class in two hours and I have to get ready and practice." Liz tried. This was a conversation she was also dying to have. But she couldn't do it right now. Her emotions were still too fragile still too close to the surface.
"I understand." He said, dejected.
"I don't think you do." She shook her head; it looks like she would be having this conversation now. "Sit."
He sat listening to the authority she played behind her voice. He guessed it was Aidan's in-trouble voice.
"Daddy, you all but forgot me when you married Nancy." She started slowly. "You sent me to boarding school when I was fourteen, that was when I needed to be at home the most. You let me get married at eighteen. Did you support Nancy's idea of me never going to college?"
"No." His voice was husky. "Liz, baby."
"When Jon died, I was devastated. You did not even come out for the funeral, Daddy. I was there alone. Except for Alex, Alex was always there." She smiled a bitter smile. "Do you know what it's like to be alone, pregnant, and recently widowed?"
"No, I wouldn't."
"I wanted to call you so many times, to ask you how you got through it. Losing Mama, and then, when I met Max, letting someone else in."
"Liz, when I lost your mother, I was devastated. You were only three; you used to scream at night. Screaming like I'd never heard. It was pain. But not the kind when you fall and I could kiss it better. I couldn't do anything for you."
****
He was transported to eighteen years earlier.
The screaming started again. Not again, not again.
Jeff Whitman's heart ached for his three-year-old daughter.
"Mama!" The scream came to his ears.
He went to try to comfort her and it stopped for a few minutes. She cuddled up into his chest and he held his breath. She cuddled closer, paused and looked up at him, and screamed.
He stood and walked and walked and walked. It seemed like forever until dawn came.
Her voice was always hoarse during the day, she yelled herself that way.
Later that night the screaming began.
It pulled at his heart to hear the scream of such anguish. This time she kicked and screamed him away. He backed up and shut the door. There was nothing he could do for her.
****
"I'm sorry, Daddy." Liz said. She didn't even remember it. She put him through hell.
"It's alright, Lizzie girl, you didn't know. How was a three-year-old supposed to know?" He scrubbed his hand over his face and chin. "I wish I would have stayed with you. I didn't know what to do."
"You did your best, it must have been awful for you, not being able to help your child." She looked down at her hands.
"I thought you blamed me, Liz. I really did. I walked away from the accident. She didn't. Your relationship with your mother was so great. You followed her everywhere. My first thought when they told me she was dead was, what about Liz?" He looked down and studied her polished wood table. "What am I going to tell her? You depended on her. She stayed at home with you, she took care of you, when she died, everything changed."
"You had to go to daycare, you didn't have any pretty little hair styles, and you didn't have a role model. That's when I married Nancy. You and Alex fell for each other instantly. Liz, there's something I didn't tell you before."
"Go ahead," she said hesitantly.
"Your mother was pregnant, when she died. She wanted you to have a little brother or sister."
Liz's heart lurched. She could have had a little brother or sister. "Oh, Daddy."
"I was driving the car Liz, I was, not your mother, I should have died." He looked down.
"No, Daddy." Liz said trying to sort her feelings.
"I didn't mean to send you away. I grew up with your mother; Liz and you looked.look.just like her. Watching you grow up was bittersweet. I saw your mother in you in everything you did, I wanted to just see you and no one else. So I when Nancy suggested I send you away I thought it would be a good idea. I thought it would make you less like her."
"Then, when you came home, you looked just like your mother, and my heart broke."
"But, I'm not Mama." Liz shook her head. "I'm me. I'm your little girl that screamed and kicked you away. I'm the little girl that mourned the loss of her mother so violently, then, later, the loss of her father." She basically whispered the last part.
"Lizzie girl, I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't know what to do." He shook his head and looked at Liz. Really looked at her.
She hadn't taken off her reading glasses, and her hair was swept back in a messy bun to stay out of her face. She looked so much like her mother but, she wasn't. For the first time he saw Liz, she was fully grown, a mother.
"Do you see me, now, Daddy, me?" Liz asked. Hoping desperately that he did. She had always seen the pain in his eyes whenever she looked at him.
"You know, Liz. I remember when you got your reading glasses. I couldn't determine whether you were upset about the glasses or that you could no longer read the piano music as you once had." He smiled at her. He slid the glasses from her face and pulled her towards him. "Yes, my Liz, I see you for who you are. You are your mother's daughter, you would have made her proud."
For the first time in many years she hugged her father.
****
"What you doing?" Aidan asked Max.
"You're supposed to be asleep." Max looked down at the boy who was staring at him in wonderment.
"Not tired. What you doing?" He asked again.
"I'm fixing Lily's crib so she doesn't fall out." Max explained.
"Oh." He walked closer. "I help?"
"Well, sure." Max said. "Come here." He held his hand to him. "Now this, is a screwdriver." He explained. "I have a bigger one but that's too loud and will wake up Lily. We don't want to wake up Lily do we?"
Aidan shook his head quickly. "No, she's sleeping. With her blanket."
"I know." Max smiled at the thought of his daughter. Sure, she was developing an attitude similar to that of his sister's what was wrong with that?
"Why'd you go away?" Aidan asked all of a sudden.
"I had to for a little while." Max said carefully, wondering what Liz had told him.
"Mommy missed you." He said. "I did too."
"I missed you too, Aidan." Max looked at the smaller boy. "Now let me show you how to use the screwdriver."
"Mommy cried." Aidan persisted. "A lot."
"I know, Aidan." Max tried not to feel the pain in his heart for making Liz cry.
"On Christmas."
"I'm sorry, Aidan, I'll try not to make her cry. It hurts me when she cries."
"Me too." Aidan said finally reaching an agreement. "I don't like it."
"I don't like it either." Max nodded his head.
"Now, screwdriver."
Max smiled at the resiliency of youth.
"Yes, yes, give me your hand." Max took Aidan's much smaller hand gently in his own and directed him on how to fix Lily's crib.