Why Me?
Chapter Three
(Hey! That rhythms!)
A/N- I'm baaack! And it's time for a word to my reviewers!
Thanks to everyone who reviewed! sniffles You guys are so nice!!! I love the people in this section…
Funness- I had fun with that line, too! I'm undecided, but leaning toward H/H. Still, we'll see where it goes!
HarryLuver422- Thanks for the suggestion, but that's kind of how it's being portrayed in the story. Sorry if it's confusing… it's a risk in this kind of story. I will have another explanation at the end of this section, though, so I hope that that helps out anyone who might be confused.
Sweet 16 Movie Buff- Thanks! I'm glad you liked it… and sorry about those errors! I miss them sometimes… and it doesn't help that my keyboard sucks…
Artemis Moonsong- Sorry you didn't like the whole dude-looks-like-a-lady thing… it was an obscure reference to an Aerosmith song that a friend suggested. Although… now that I think about Harry quoting an Aerosmith song in his British accent, I'm never going to keep a straight face through that song again… -grins- And I didn't really mean that he blushes any differently, just at different times. A girl is way more likely to get more embarrassed in that kind of situation and show it than a guy. I'm glad that you criticized, tho! It always helps!
Okaishichan- Whew… aren't we all? No fear, that's coming up soon.
PrincessEilonwy- New material in this update… I promise! Don't worry, you're not crazy—most of the last two chapter's dialogue was the same as the first version, but I tweaked the scenarios a lot! Glad you liked it! And the Ron emotional-range-of-a-teaspoon thing was one of my favorite parts of that book…
Who am I kidding, if it were up to me, I'd thank all of you personally, but must…cut…self…off… Thanks lots and lots to everyone else who reviewed! I really, really appreciate it!!! I mean it!!!…and it'll make me update faster -wink- And remember how at the first chappie I said that this was pre-GoF and OoP? Errrr… I kinda lied… it's more of a AU OoP with some elements of the original that's a wee bit perkier. Or a post OoP. Kind of… It's a little hard to explain how my mind works, but I hope you guys don't mind. I keep getting ideas that they need to be at a certain Year to do (get your mind out of the gutter!!!!), so that's that, I guess! Alright, now I'm just stalling! Hope you all like this chapter, too! This is the Happy-Birthday-to-me-and-Harry chapter (my b-day's on Aug.3)!!! So I'll take reviews as acceptable gifts… or cash… cash is always good. her friends whack her over the head for trying to violate the no-profit-disclaimer-thing Gah……. On to the story…
Explanation- Alrighty, just to clear things up, the POV is written so that it's referring to the person's mind, not what body they are in. For example, in a sentence like 'Hermione ran from a herd of rabid penguins.', the name Hermione is referring to Hermione's mind, not Hermione's body. She's still in Harry's body, but Hermione is used instead of Harry. Well, I hope that I didn't make it any more confusing. If anyone reading has a better way of explaining it, let me know!
Disclaimer: Bank account still not in the billions, so I guess that I don't own the HP series... yet! –sigh-
Hermione screwed her eyes shut, wishing that when she opened them the gargoyle would stop his creepy leering and move out of the way. Like most of her wishes on that particular day, however, it remained trapped in the spam filter of God's inbox.
"Password, please." The gargoyle grinned, displaying all of his pointed stone teeth in glee.
"See, the problem with that is—" Harry began meekly before being cut off by a sharp snap of stone teeth.
"Password, please." The gargoyle repeated in a slightly more menacing tone.
"Errr… ok. Harry? What's the password?" Hermione sighed.
"I don't know. Dumbledore always changes it. But it's usually a kind of sweet…"
Hermione favored him with an icy glare.
"Do you have any idea how many possibilities that leaves us with???"
"Yes, but we have to start somewhere… or we could just turn around, wait for the antidote, and pretend that this never, ever happened. That works for me…"
"Oh, shut up, Harry. You're staying right here if I have to use a sticking charm." She scowled, and turned back to the gargoyle, "Is it toffee?"
"No." The gargoyle said with relish, leaning back to see how long these students would go on guessing before they gave up.
"Licorice?" Harry asked impatiently.
"No."
"Fizzing Whizbees, ton-tongue toffee, snickers, canary creams, Bertie Botts'every flavor beans, Skittles, Blood suckers, pixie sticks… come on!" Harry shouted at the unresponsive statue, "It's got to be some sort of candy!"
"No...do you really think that Dumbledore's dumb enough to make getting into his office that easy?"
"So you mean all the other times I've guessed, you've been humoring me???"
"Yup… pretty much." The gargoyle shrugged.
Glaring at the gargoyle and muttering something about harassment, Harry slumped to the floor.
"We're never getting in. We'll just waste away while this gargoyle gloats at us..."
"Sounds like a fun plan, huh?" The gargoyle snickered, refusing to back down from Hermione's withering glare and Harry's near-tantrum.
"You're a lot meaner than usual." Harry snarled, contemplating whether banging his head on the floor would help or hinder the situation. The conclusion he came to wasn't promising: it was obvious that the gargoyle and his incredibly big head wouldn't care whether he knocked himself out or not.
"Yeah, well the job gets really dull. Frustrating you children is the only light in my otherwise bland, monotonous existence. Password, please."
"Gummi Bears... AM I EVEN GETTING CLOSE??" Harry sighed, close to sobbing.
Hermione sniffled in exasperation, and also considered banging her head against the wall.
"PLEASE, just tell Professor Dumbledore that Hermione Granger and Harry Potter NEED to talk to him!"
"Oh." The gargoyle said, obviously disappointed. " …I guess you can go in."
"WHAA????" Both exclaimed, nearly keeling over in shock.
"The professor said that I could let you two in. Can't you hear?"
"HEY! But you knew who I was! So you were just--" Harry began weakly.
"Yup, toying with you two, but can you blame me? Besides, you both seem to forget who you appear to be, so I cannot be held responsible if I couldn't let you in for trying to pass off for fraud."
Harry looked at him blankly.
"Huh?"
"It's a matter of national security. Now go on into the office before I change my mind and decide that you two are terrorists trying to—
The gargoyle cut off his lecture as the pair ran past him, obviously taking their opportunity while they could.
"Bloody gender-confused students…" He muttered as he settled back into a comfortable position and resumed his daydream about the statue of Verialla the Vain on the third story.
"Stupid gargoyle…" Harry muttered for about the twentieth time since they'd entered the corridor, "I think it was easier to get to the sorcerer's stone than it was to get past that DAMNED…"
Harry, cut himself off as he looked over to see his hands covering his face and his body shaking. Hermione was doing something that could inspire fear into the heart of any sane male: crying.
Don't pull a Cho… Even worse, PLEASE, don't pull a Cho in my body…He prayed silently.
"Huh? What's wrong?? It's ok! Uh, Snape'll have the remedy in no time… and don't mind that garg--"
Hermione looked up at him and began to sputter with a grin on her face, which escalated to a full-blown laugh.
"You should have seen your face!" She managed before dissolving into giggles again, "You'd think I had a disease…"
Harry scowled. True, he didn't have much experience with girls that were prone to crying except one that he didn't like to mention, but he was sure that he didn't do that bad. At least he didn't tell her to stuff a cork in it or something—though, in retrospect, it didn't seem like a bad idea. Beside him, Hermione was beginning to turn red from trying (unsuccessfully) to hold in her giggles.
"Jeez… don't hyperventilate…" Harry muttered bitterly.
She scowled at him and smacked him over the head.
"Don't get all angsty on me. It's really annoying. Come on, I wasn't even laughing at you… at first…kinda…"
"What were you laughing at then?"
"Err… I have one question for you."
Harry look at her suspiciously. Questions and Hermione never boded well for him when combined. Still, he nodded his head tentatively.
"Why didn't we use your invisibility cloak?"
As usual, Hermione-logic had gotten the better of him. In fact, more than getting the better of him, it had bludgeoned him over the head with a frying pan. He stood rooted to the spot in the hallway, mouth hanging open and cursing his stupidity.
"… nice of you to remind me AFTER we fought with that gargoyle for a solid half-hour!"
Hermione glared down the hallway to the entrance and turned back to Harry looking extremely exasperated.
"Well, it only occurred to me after he saw us. I didn't expect him to give us any trouble… you've never had a problem before!"
Harry gave up and laughed weakly and began to walk on as Hermione slowed to a stop and paled slightly as she looked down to see that she was still clutching the White Slip of Imminent Doom. Beyond the short passage was a chamber that not even the Weasley twins had seen under disciplinary action: the lair of Dumbledore, one of the most powerful wizards in the witching world.
I'll get detention for the rest of the term and I'll never ever be able to get a good job! I'm ruined! I'll never get to be a prefect or head girl or...
"Oi!" Harry shouted from the end of the corridor impatiently, "Are you coming, Hermione?"
He noticed her silent paleness, frowned and made his way back down to where Hermione was petrified on the spot.
"What's wrong?"
"It's just that…I—I-- haven't ever really been in trouble before, and I've never been to Dumbledore's office and—"
"Bah… that was just Snape's evil little attempt to make the day worse. It's not even valid. We didn't pass love notes, remember? And as for Dumbledore's office, it can't be as bad as Snape's storeroom, and you had to sneak into there. You'll probably love it; there are more rare magical instruments than I can count."
He gently pulled her forward and they made their way to the room that illuminated the end of the hallway with its friendly glow.
"See?" Harry smirked, "Not as bad as you thought it would be, is it?"
As they entered the room, Hermione gaped in awe at the surroundings. Her gaze darted from one magical instrument to another so quickly that when Harry looked over at her, he had to concentrate to not get dizzy from all her eye movements.
"Gah! This is even worse than the time I tried to watch Hermione speed read… I think I'm gonna be sick." Harry groaned, looking away from his extremely frenetic friend.
"Oooohhhh, look, Harry! There's a Kaleidoverita! Those are super rare! And over there's a Stenotrope! I think there are only 11 of those in the world. Oh my God, he even has a Palantrenograph! WHY HAVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT ANY OF THIS BEFORE, HARRY????"
"How can MY brain even process things so fast???? It seems exhausting… you better not wear it out!! That thing has to last me a good 70 years! And there's no warranty…" Harry sighed wistfully, moving to pet Fawkes, who seemed slightly suspicious of his body.
Within a few seconds, Dumbledore entered the room, followed by Dobby in his normal outrageous get-up pushing a tea cart. Harry waved to him energetically, and Dobby looked faintly puzzled by this, but uncertainly waved back.
"Ah, I'm glad that you like an old man's toys, Hermione. Though I must admit that it's rather unsettling seeing Harry get so excited over them…"
Hermione beamed at him uncertainly, and Harry tried to scowl, but gave up on it. Scowling at Dumbledore was not something he wanted to do in normal circumstances, let alone when he was trapped for a week in his best girl friend's body. Besides, with his smile and silvery beard, it was like trying to give the evil eye to Santa.
"Ah, but I'm forgetting. You two have certainly had a trying day. Have a cookie." He motioned to the trolley and Harry immediately grabbed about eight of the chocolate drenched confections, much to Dobby's approval. Hermione, however, glared at him with McGonagall-like ferocity.
"Put. Down. The. Cookies. And. No. One. Gets. Hurt." Hermione snarled, eyes on fire.
Harry's eyes widened and he let the cookies drop to the table in front of him, his hands shaking in fear.
"Dobby's never seen Harry Potter this angry before. Is something wrong with the cookies that Dobby baked for him?" Dobby sniffled, cowed by "Harry's" tirade.
"Wha? Oh.. errr… no, nothing's wrong with them really…" Hermione sputtered.
"Huh? Then I waaaantone…" Harry sniffled, "And Dumbledore asked!!!"
Hermione's eyes resumed the burning as she went on.
Meep…Harry thought, she's really, really scary if she glares at you like that. Almost worse than Voldemort…
"I've been on a diet all year, and I'm not about to have you ruin it!! If I'm gonna break it, I'm gonna eat the food!! Just because Quidditch players like you get so much exercise and can eat whatever they want doesn't mean that the rest of us can. You'd better watch your step, or…" she trailed off sheepishly, realizing that Dumbledore was watching them and attempting to cover up a grin.
"Ah, the vigor of youth…" He grinned, "I don't think that you need a diet, my dear, but I'm sure that you won't take an old coot's word for it. Anyways, I believe that there is a giant elephant in the room that everyone's trying to ignore. You were sent down here for a reason."
"Your guard seemed to conveniently forget that…" Hermione muttered darkly.
Dumbledore smiled knowingly and took a cookie for himself.
"I hope that Gus (A/N- Anybody ever read the Robert Aspirin MYTH books? Sound familiar? No? Oh well... you should read them!) didn't trouble you that much. He is relatively harmless, though. I'm sorry, but I'd expected you to use your Invisibility Cloak. If I had known you'd use the more conventional way, I would have given him clearer instructions."
At the mention of the Invisibility Cloak cringed and rested his head in his hands, cursing himself again.
"It's a long story…" Harry groaned miserably as Hermione gloated slightly beside him.
"Now." Dumbledore sighed, combing his fingers through his beard, "as for your condition, I'm afraid that Snape was correct when he estimated a week to brew the antidote."
Pure panic registered on Harry's face.
"You mean that you can't even do anything????? We're doomed."
Dumbledore sighed and nodded while Hermione and Harry spiraled deeper into despair, Harry's fueled mostly by the forbidden cookies taunting him cruelly.
What good's a girl's body for a week if it's this hard to maintain??? He sniffled mentally.
"There are two possible solutions to this problem. You two could attempt to keep this a secret: Snape was quite successful in diverting attention from what really happened. Only Ron knows, after all, and I'm sure that you two can trust him. There is, however, a down side."
"School off for a week???" Harry grinned, "We'll take it!"
Hermione elbowed him and glowered.
"What's the down side, professor?"
"I'm afraid that you'd have to sleep in an isolated dormitory. And none of your classmates could be able to guess at what happened, so we'd have to make up a malady so persistent and troublesome that not even wizardly medicine can cure it."
"And that disease would be?" Hermione winced, bracing herself.
"I'm afraid that you'd both have to pretend to have Mono." Dumbledore said, trying to suppress a chuckle.
"MONO????" Hermione squealed, outraged, "There is absolutely NO way that I'm missing school for a week AND pretending to be out sick with mono with Harry! People talk as it is!"
Harry's dreams of a simple, uncomplicated week flew out the window and splattered into a brick wall.
"There is another option, my dear. It is perhaps more complicated and difficult, but less suspicious. You would have to spend the week as each other. This way, you can both honor your commitments and go to school. I'm sure that something could be arranged as far as grading goes." Dumbledore smiled, noticing Hermione's fearful glances at Harry, "Are you both up for the challenge?"
The two looked at each other briefly and nodded in assent. It was bound to be one interesting week.
"We'll do it, Professor." Hermione quavered.
"…Even though it might kill me to starve for a week." Harry moaned.
"Of course you can eat! You can have all the salad you want." Hermione smirked sardonically, pocketing a cookie, "Welcome to my life."
"Shouldn't you be practicing Quidditch?" Harry retorted.
"Now, I believe that you two are missing lunch." Dumbledore winked wryly. "I wish you the best of luck."
"We're gonna need a whole lot more than luck." Harry groaned, "Are you sure you don't want to have Mono, Hermione?"
Hermione glared at him coldly.
"I didn't think so. That settles it—I'm doomed." Harry whimpered.
Post-story A/N-
.; This segment was a little out there, but I hoped you all liked it! Kinda OOC of Hermione to be on a diet, but I couldn't help it!!! Heehee… In the next episode, Care of Magical Creatures class, Quidditch practice, and an Announcement. Will they survive? It's not gonna be pretty… Please review! I'll get it done faster! See? I even updated this one within a year!!! sniff I'm so proud! I finished this chappie at 2:30 AM on my birthday! Is that dedication or what? Pretty rare for me, huh? If you want more insanity with HP, go to my fic in the Young Wizards department, too! Well, at any rate, thanks for reading and be nice to the pretty periwinkle box and give it a purpose in life!