oh yeah...before I forget..I don't own ANY of these mo-fos except those who were not already present in a film. woo.

Chapter two- "Fuckin-A, Reloaded": blood, whiskey, refried beans and what-have-you...

The winnebago rolled into Mexico just before sundown. Once the border had mostly faded from view, Kate scrambled to the bathroom. She stepped in carefully, as it was still pitch black, and filpped the light switch. The room instantly blinked back into view. Three yelps of shock, that varied greatly in pitch, came from behind the closed shower door. Kate froze for a second. For the first time since this mess began she cracked a smile. She flung open the shower door and saw three pairs of widely opened eyes. For a moment, they seemed strangely anime. "Boo...", Kate said matter-of-factly.

A few moments later, Kate was back at the front of the R.V. with her father and brother. Richie exited the cramped little hell-hole of a bathroom. He walked over to a side window and glanced out at the vomit-colored Mexican landscape. Elizabeth cracked her neck, 'finally to the fun stuff.', she thought and attempted to walk out. Seth grabbed her arm, "Hey. Hold on.", he said. He didn't exactly sound annoyed, but there really isn't a better word..............

Elizabeth spun around, "Yes?", she said, looking at him as though he was just any random dude asking what time it was. Seth looked back at her blankly, she was waaay too comfortable with this whole situation. He wondered exactly how he should talk to her. He began, "Look, I know you might think you know alot about me and my brother; but I'm telling you right now, you can watch every special fuckin-bullshit report on the six, eight, ten, AND eleven o'clock news and you will still not know shit."

Elizabeth nodded, "Yeah, that's definitely reasonable. What's your point?"

Seth rolled his eyes, "MY point is....YOU don't need to put in your 2-cents about what we do or say."

Elizabeth frowned a little, " oh......I'm sorry about that. I didn't really mean anything....."

She was inturrupted. "No...I still don't seem to be getting my point across.", Seth said. He pointed out the half-open door, at Richie, "You see that son-of-a-bitch? right out there?"

Elizabeth looked out the door at him, she looked back at Seth, "Are you aware that you, technically, just called your mom a bitch?"

Seth let out an exasperated sigh, "Do you see him!?", he said through his teeth.

"Yes....I do.", Elizabeth said.

Seth's voice returned to normal, "Do NOT encourage him. Don't make any more attempts to be 'friendly'....",

This time it was Seth who was interrupted by Elizabeth, "Well...why not? Has anyone else ever tried being nice?! I'm guessing any other hostages you've taken were either scared and weak, tried to escape, or may have even gotten hostile! How well did that go for them?!! hmm. Let's see.........they're DEAD. I don't know about YOU..but I don't think that's a very favorable outcome!!", she took a deep breath. She looked at Seth, he just gaped at her. He looked like there was a good possiblility that he was about to say something. Elizabeth knew what his next argument would inevitably be, she saved him his breath, "Now, about the craziness factor.....and do not say anything.....I know we're both thinking it. Crazy, I can handle. A good 89% of the people I choose to socialize with are considered crazy.....", She patted him on the head, "also,....keep this in mind, sir. YOU don't really know ME either." With that, she walked out of the bathroom.

Seth just stood there, "..............shit."

LATER:

#cut to winnebago pulling up in front of the Titty Twister, it parks. Everyone gets out.#

Many different variations of sleeze surrounded the trashy bar, all of whom were getting '10 kids of nasty'. Our heros seemed to complete the scene, in a way, as they approached the cesspool.

Elizabeth saw another man that looked strikingly simillar to cheech marin. He stood at the bar's entrance with a microphone, yelling things about pussy and those who seek it. Obviously, he eyed Kate and Elizabeth as the group drew nearer the door. Before he could say anything, Elizabeth zoomed past, grabbing his microphone. (his name is Chet, by the way..)He looked distraught, but could do nothing. She held it out of his reach and out of range of her voice, ".I'd bet there are quite a few people who'd love to beat your annoying alien-head to a pulp, so...you let one asshole comment about me or my cousin pass through that festering little mouth of yours, and I tell the motherfuckers to act on their wishes. Can you dig it?"

He obviously didn't expect that, and simply nodded in responce. Elizabeth flung the microphone out into the parking lot, and the group attempted to enter. Chet still confronted Seth, in particular, about not being able to come in. This was a poor choice....Seth broke his fingers, his lumpy nose and left him laying on the ground in pain. As he did Elizabeth giggled, pulled a disposeable camera from her pocket and snapped some pictures. This was one wonderful thing about already knowing the events of the movie you enter....you don't miss anything. The rest began to make their way towards the entrance...not Elizabeth. She stayed right where she was, camera ready.

#cue that "Living in the sunlight, having a wonderful time" song from the first episode of spongebob#

Just as had happened in the movie, Richie circled back and kicked Chet in the ribs about four times while he was down. He yelled as he did this,

"HI"

thwack

"HOW YA DOIN?"

thwack

"ENJOYING IT?"

thwack

"I HOPE SO!"

thwack

Elizabeth snapped numerous pictures and laughed happily. Joining in on the fun, She walked up and kicked Chet in the forehead a couple of times, "How bout them apples, Tito!?" She wasn't sure why she called him Tito...it just seemed like the thing to do. Richie looked at her with an expression that fell somewhere in the middle of amusement and "W.T.F?". She looked back blankly and slightly cocked her head to one side, "What?...Man, I gotta admit, that's really fun. Twice as fun as it looked....just one for the road..." She kicked Chet again.

"So...you said you weren't a sibling to either of them...right?", Richie asked. He motioned to the inside of the bar, and what he meant was understood. "Right. I'm their cousin from outta town..FAR outta town.", Elizabeth replied as they started toward the door.

Meanwhile,back at headqua....er, I mean, Inside:

"Where you two fuckers been?", Seth asked, grinning for no particular reason. Elizabeth laughed, and said as thought she meant it, "It was crazy...we were attacked by rabid vacum cleaner salesmen..", Elizabeth sat in the closest of two empty chairs on Kate's left and looked around. She remembered the humor she'd found in the weird Mexican band that had played there. She looked at the stage to see if they were more humorous live. But, the Mexican band wasn't there....it was Tenacious D. O.o hm.

They weren't playing or anything...they were taking down their stuff. 'that's surprizing....must tell Laura about that, She'd be thrilled.', Elizabeth thought to herself. She set her camera on the table.

dramatic change in tone occurs

Elizabeth looked over at Richie who, at the moment, happened to have his glance fixed on nothing in particular, across the room. She got up from her seat and walked around to his side of the table. Elizabeth smirked devilishly, and swung her leg over his lap so that she was sitting to face him. She pulled the scrunchy out of her hair and shook her hair into her face. Richie's eyes got big and a slight smile grew on his lips.

"So, Richie...", she said, biting her bottom lip.....

#Cut To (in real-life): Laura in Elizabeth's Room. She is sitting in front of the computer screen...typing, and laughing manically. Elizabeth walks into the room holding a fresh cup of coffee and an unopened granola bar. The clock on her shelf reads "2:05 A.M."#

Elizabeth: sees Laura at computer Laura......what are you doing??

Laura: o.o oh..#surprized#..nothin,.,,,,,#moves away from computer slowly#. She's giggling, and doesn't even look at Elizabeth

Elizabeth: #Takes sip of coffee and reads the few lines that weren't there when she left# o.O WTF?? #spits coffee# Laura! #a little peeved# dammit,,,,,this is not your story, nor is it meant to be written in your style.....and my hair was never in a scrunchy to begin with. #highlights what Laura typed (from "dramatic change in tone" to last "Cut To:" scene transition) and erases it# (Did I mention that Laura's writing style best fits in pornographic magazines?)

Laura: #pouts# aw...you're no fun.

Elizabeth: #laughs# I know.

#Cut to: blank screen. the very uncharacteristic scene appears.. REWIND#

#Cut to: Inside Titty Twister, Elizabeth sits down at the table and sets down her camera.#

After a few moments of odd silence, the piercing sound of feedback assaulted everyone's ears. Elizabeth turned to see that the little Mexican band had come on-stage, they began to play. The room slowly darkened. Elizabeth's eyes darted around. 'oh fudge...' She turned her attention to the woman coming on the stage. The man had announced her just like in the movie. Everything else had been the same as in the movie; but, Santanico Pandemonium seemed different. When she first came on-stage her face remanied shadowed and out of sight. Elizabeth decided, for the moment, to disregard the strangely different, yet horribly familiar Santanico. She did this due to more important matters....First of which was getting the upper-hand when fighting vampires. She wondered how exactly she should do this. Her mind began to sort through plausible plans of action. Easy....stake Santanico before she can cause any trouble. This "trouble" brings us to another "matter" considered "important" by Elizabeth. Her thoughts were soon halted by her more rational side....

'Wait a minute.....why exactly do you want to risk your neck to keep this nut-job, bastard from being made one of the undead?'

At this, she lowered her eyes to that neutral 'lookit me, i'm in deep thought' position. Her gaze then fixed on Richie. He didn't notice, which she supposed was good. She sighed. She'd always had a strange sympathy for kink-ridden-weirdos.....made-up-movie-kink-ridden-weirdos, anyway. But still...

She then answered herself, 'why not?..and anyway..you gotta help the others as well...saftey in numbers.'

Her eyes drifted to Kate, who was sitting next to her. Kate was wearing that generic 'woman watching a stripper' look of disgust. Elizabeth half-ass smiled....she stared off, lost in mundane thought.

#Cue "Neodämmerung" in background.....grows gradually louder# She was ripped from this by the sound of someone stepping on their table, and the sight of this person's feet. 'aw shit.. well, no time like the present...', Elizabeth looked up angrily, semi-preparing for battle. The anger was replaced by shock when she saw the face of.....Laura. #music screeches to a stop# Elizabeth jumped up, inadvertantly knocking her camera on the floor next to the table, "LAURA?! What the fuck are you doing trying to be Santanico Pandemonium??"

Laura's shock surpassed Elizabeth's, and she seemed a bit flustered.

"Well...I figured it'd be cool to be Selma Hayek for a little while.....AND I didn't really expect to see you here either!"

Someone sitting somewhere said, "woah...you know her?". The whole bar was also reacting oddly. Neither of the girls seemed to really notice.

Elizabeth exhaled sharply, "I hope you weren't planning on following the script......I don't want to stake the shit out of my best friend, just so she won't suck a psycho dry..."

Laura arched an eyebrow, "huh? why in the Hell would you stake me? "

Elizabeth discreetly motioned toward Richie and whispered, "you were gonna kill him....that's bad...I was gonna stake you before you got the chance, also obtaining the mere glory of staking you first. Well, not YOU....but..Santanico."

Laura nodded, "Yeah...I know.", she saw how deep into all of this her friend was, "Sometimes I worry that you take this shit too seriously..."

Elizabeth looked surprized by her friend's comment at first. She then smiled and shrugged, "It only matters while we're in here...I figure, if you're gonna play...play."

Laura laughed.

.......Neither of them noticed one of the strippers locking the large wooden door that served as entrance and exit from the titty twister, but Elizabeth did notice when she said that familliar "phrase 'o' impending doom".

.."dinner is served...", the stripper's face then contorted horribly. The frenzy began. Ugly, cling-on-lookin, vampire strippers leapt all around. Blood, whiskey, refried-beans and what-have-you were strewn in every corner....it was true carnage.

"OH SHIT!", this seemed to have been said in unison by all connected parties in this P.O.V....(for the easily confused: Fuller family, Gecko brothers, Elizabeth, and now Laura)

They were all now standing.....er..well...strike that, no-one was sitting at the table anymore. Kate, Scott, and Jacob were all barricaded behind the aforementioned table....which protected them surprizingly well. As for the unlucky ones...[otherwise known as Seth, Richie, Laura (a.k.a. Santanico), and Elizabeth] They stood in a very asymmetrical square, smack dab in the middle of the bar. No vampires were advancing towards them at the moment......this was obviously good.

But, as fate would have it, they did not stay in the eye of the storm for long.

Suddenly, one rather infected looking vampire stripper, with big nasty pointy teeth fully extended, flew out of nowhere and clung to Richie's shoulders. Within milliseconds she'd sunken her tarter colored fangs into the side of his neck, and torn away a substantial amount of flesh . He yelped out in pain and alarm, jerking about in an effort to remove the highly-evolved leech that was now draining his blood.

thud

squish/crunch

#blood-spatter flies#

SPLAT

The vampire seemed to float down from her victim's back and stand on the floor. A severely wounded Richie slumped to the ground. He was probably not dead, but definitely not living.

#focus on Seth and Vamp-whore#

The nasty she-demon gave Seth a "come-hither" look and blew him a kiss, the fresh blood of his brother still clinging to her lips. "Fuckin Vampire Bitch...", Seth said to himself as he turned away for a moment. He grabbed an empty liquor bottle and slammed it on the edge of the bar, breaking the end of the neck. He spun around and flung the broken end of the bottle at the ugly bitch.

woosh........thuck......slam

It hit her directly in the heart. She screeched and went up in flames. (A-n: YAY!)

#focus on Laura and Elizabeth#

Laura had ducked away when the vamp-whore attacked. However, Elizabeth never really got a good chance to move.....so she didn't.

Laura now looked back at Elizabeth...... She choked back a bit of laughter and cautiously walked up to her, "oh shit..."

There stood Elizabeth, wearing a very smug expression....her hair, face, and upper torso covered in Richie's blood. She barely opened just one of her eyes, keeping the other closed (because..hey, who wants blood in their eye), and looked at Laura. "goddamnit....", Elizabeth muttered. Her voice sounded unexpectedly upbeat....or maybe just expectedly cynical. Laura grabbed Elizabeth's camera off the floor and took a picture of her friend.

Suddenly, an obnoxious DJ could be heard over a loudspeaker..."OH! that was a good one....let's see it in instant replay!!", he laughed heartily. A large plasma screen came on. It was embedded in the only blank wall. Laura and Elizabeth came on the screen. In slo-mo it replayed Laura diving out of frame, and Elizabeth being hit by a mini-tidal wave of blood. It reminded her of the old shows on Nickelodeon where they did that to people. Except, this was with blood instead of green slime and was not hosted by Mark Summers. Elizabeth used her hands to wipe away enough blood so she could open her eyes to see. This was difficult, because her hands weren't exactly free of the crimson substance. As she did, she thought, ' Man, there is NO fucking way in Hell!! No-one fucking bleeds that fucking much!! ...........well, I don't think so anyway.....then again, this is a movie.'

"GODDAMN!!!! That was a lot of mutherfuckin blood, BIATCH!!!" , was shouted from someone standing somewhere behind Laura.

"Yeah, Thanks Fuck-Mook!! I noticed!!", Elizabeth yelled back. She didn't bother to look at who said it.

#focus on Laura#

Laura gasped, she recognized that voice. She took a deep breath in and spun around, smiling, "Hey sexy.....", she said.

She saw exactly who she'd expected to,......

#focus on Elizabeth#

'did I just hear something about non-blood-sucking-mamacitas? WTF? What dumbass would care about hot chicks right now? Vampires are attacking....',Elizabeth, who was surprized at the total lack of vampires attacking her, opened her eyes and turned in the direction of Laura. Her vision came into focus and she saw her friend rabidly making out with Jack Black. Now she remembered the man giving instruction telling them how details in a film could be changed subconsciously....and Laura had been here awhile. 'oh....Well, that explains the booking changes....'.

All she could do was laugh,.... her best friend had come into the film, as someone Elizabeth had planned to ram a stake through, and was now swapping spit with one half of Tenacious D.

By the end of this culmination of bad timing, bad choices and bad taste; Elizabeth was standing alone, covered in blood, in the middle of the bar. She would've fought the vampires happily , but for some strange reason they wouldn't even come near her....or Laura. Probably the safety feature.

"Fuckin' A......"