Mea Culpa: Chapter 3

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Leland watched, staring almost blankly, as the felinoid pointed over at his direction. He saw Sarah's gaze follow the younger girl's gesture and watched as her facial expression changed from curiosity to shock.

The girl, seeing Sarah's face, said something to her (of which Leland couldn't decipher). Sarah shook her head and then took the glass of water from her. She motioned for the felinoid to resume her duties and then faced Leland again.

He watched as her face became placid, as if she was mentally preparing herself to speak to him. He, in turn, realized that he was hardly prepared to speak to her. But it was too late now. She was walking toward his table.

He could only sit there, dumbfounded, when she stopped in front of him. Placing the glass of water on the table, her voice was calm (but almost a whisper) as she said, "Leland. It really is you... isn't it?"

"Sarah," he replied, and looked at her. She hadn't changed much over the years. Yes, her face had matured (she did have several wrinkles), but she was still as beautiful as she was the day he had met her. Her hair, which was piled on top of her head in a bun, was still the same shiny brown, although he could see a few silver streaks here and there. She had filled out as well, but was by no means overweight... just not the little girl that she used to be.

"Will you please sit with me?" he asked.

Sarah sat and folded her arms across her chest. Leland could feel that she was apprehensive and, most likely, hurting a bit. Her face might've been calm, but her body language proved that she wasn't comfortable with him anymore.

"What are you doing here?" she finally asked after several moments of silence. "It's been a long time."

"I know, I know," he began. "I just felt that I... owed you..."

"Owed me?" she repeated (her tone defensive) and raised an eyebrow. "What do you think you owe me? What do you honestly think you can do now that will change what happened?"

"Please, Sarah, hear me out."

"Why?" her voice became slightly edgy.

"Because if you don't, you'll be just like me all those years ago. When I wouldn't listen to you. I don't want you to be like me," he said, hoping that the reverse psychology would give him leeway to speak.

"All right," she finally said.

"I came here to say that I'm sorry for leaving you," he said. "I've been wanting to come back for some time now, but couldn't find it in myself to do so. There are so many things that I wish I could do. If I could, I'd turn back time..." he took a sip of water.

"That's very noble of you," Sarah sighed. "But I don't know if it can make up for what we've gone through. We being me... and Jim too. You left us, Leland. You walked out – just like that, and you didn't even stop to think about us."

"I was stubborn and scared. Being a father scared me. Our fighting scared me. I thought that leaving was the only thing that I could do to make things right. Sarah, I thought about both of you almost every day."

"Well, why didn't you do something about it?"

"Because... because I'm a damn coward, ok?" He stood up. "I'm a COWARD!" he shouted. "I LEFT THIS WOMAN AND MY SON BECAUSE I'M A COWARD! I'M..."

"Sit down!" Sarah hissed. "This is my place of business! Please stop making a scene!"

Leland sat once again. "I was wrong about a lot of things. Sarah, I was so hotheaded back then. I thought that every decision I made was the right thing to do. Only now do I see what a jackass I was. I was really stupid... really stupid. I know that I can't make up for the lost time. I don't expect you to accept me or take me back or anything like that, but I wanted to let you know that I'm sorry for what I did. I wronged you. I wronged Jim. It wasn't right of me at all, and I have to live with that until the day I die. I regret a lot of things, and what happened between us – the fighting, I mean – is what I regret the most."

Sarah's expression softened as Leland continued to ramble.

"I loved you, Sarah," he said. "And I still do. It took me so long to realize it, but I do love you. And no matter what I do, I can't erase what happened. I'm just trying to make it better. I'm so, so sorry..."

"I was so angry for so long," Sarah said. "Every day I thought to myself 'What is it that I did wrong?'"

"It was my fault," Leland cut in.

"Wait, let me finish. After you left, there were nights when I couldn't sleep. I'd cry and cry until there was nothing left. I was so depressed, but I had to put on a good front for Jim. But Leland, he knew. He knew that there was something wrong. I didn't know how to pick up the pieces or where to start. There were nights when I contemplated running away just as you had, but then I thought – how could I do that to my son? I had to be strong for him. I had to be his mother and father. You don't know how hard that was..." a tear trickled down Sarah's cheek and she quickly wiped it away. "There were other nights where I just cursed ever meeting you. I dreamed of the day that we would meet again... when I would really let you know how I felt, and now..." she shook her head. "I don't know what I feel. Part of me wants to punch you. And part of me," she cocked her head to one side, "Part of me really feels bad for you."

"Are you mocking me?" Leland asked.

"No, I genuinely feel bad. For both of us, actually. We had a pretty promising life together before the fighting began. Sometimes I'm sad that it didn't work out. But I'm not really angry anymore," she replied. "About two years after you left, Delbert Doppler – yeah, remember him? – he helped me put my life back together. With his help, I was able to turn this place into what it is now. I was finally back on my own two feet."

"Delbert Doppler? That nutty scientist guy?" Leland raised an eyebrow. "I thought all he did was ramble on about the stars and whatever. He drove me crazy!"

A small smile crossed Sarah's face. "I remember that. It was kind of funny how you'd rant about how annoying he was. But Leland, he was so helpful after you left. And he's a famous astrophysicist now."

"Didn't he used to have a newspaper clipping that he'd carry around? Right after he made his first breakthrough discovery?"

"He still carries it around," Sarah laughed. "And has had many more since then. He's come a long way, you know. I mean, he still rambles about his theories and all, but he has a family now. Those three girls," she nodded at Moira, Carina, and Emily, "Are his daughters."

"No kidding? How is that possible..."

"He married a felinoid, silly. They also have a son."

"Speaking of sons," Leland's tone became more uncertain. "How's Jim?"

"Jim," Sarah smile was brilliant now. "He had several rough spots during his teen years, but luckily he got over that. Didn't you hear about the discovery of Treasure Planet?"

Leland shrugged. "I didn't keep up with the news much. I've been wandering for so long. I did hear something about it, but paid no attention. I guess I was never good at paying attention."

"Well, your son played a direct role in discovering Treasure Planet. I know that you must remember the legend about it at least?"

"I do remember that. I used to read it to him when he was little. I mean, when I had the chance. We never finished it..." he sighed. "Flint's Trove – and my son discovered it?"

"Yes. Then he got recommended to the Interstellar Academy. Leland, your son is a captain in the Interstellar Navy now. He's thirty-one years old, and has a family of his own. He's become more of a success than you or I will ever be."

"Sarah, you are a success," Leland's tone was somewhat sad. "You were able to pick up the pieces of what I had destroyed. I couldn't do that. My life became that of a wanderer. I couldn't focus on things... I wandered around doing whatever I could to survive. I wasted my life. I threw away the chance to be a good father... and a good husband."

Leland jumped when Sarah covered his hand with hers. She looked into his eyes earnestly. Both were silent.

"You know we can't start over," she finally said. "You hurt me badly. But we both need closure. Leland, I forgive you. We can't change the past, but we can both work things out in our own minds. We can both find a future now, although it won't be with one another."

"I understand," he said softly and looked down to where Sarah's hand held his. His vision began to blur with tears. As they began to fall, he looked up into his former wife's eyes and grinned helplessly. "Told you I was a coward," he whispered.

She leaned toward him and shook her head. He could see tears in her eyes as well. She reached with her free hand and wiped a tear from his cheek. "No, Leland, that's where you're mistaken," she whispered back. "You're more of a man today than you ever were before."

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To be continued...