Just letting you all know the chapters until they get Hogwarts might be a little dumb. I promise it'll get better though. I've got great ideas, just not for chapters 2 till Hogwarts so I'm relying on tea with extra sugar to get some funny.



Ten years had passed since Harry was dropped on Mr. and Mrs. Dursley's doorstep. Ten years that the Dursleys had to live with putrid, pathetic, pompous, preposterous, pimping, pinhead Potter, as the Dursleys would have said. Harry on the other hand would say he had to live with the daffy, doofy, dumb, Dursleys (Harry doesn't know too many adjectives).

Harry heard a rapping on his bedroom door, "Wake up! Wake up!" Aunt Petunia shrieked. She started to knock harder. Harry sat up right away, already fully awake. Still, Aunt Petunia was banging heavily away screaming to get up. Then fwoom! Her fist shot straight through the door hitting Harry smack dab in the jaw.

"Ow! What did you do that for, filthy little wench?" he mumbled.

"What did you say to me, boy?"

"Nothing, nothing at all whatsoever." He lied.

"Now hurry up and cook the SPAM! Diddy, Diddy-widdy-wibble-dibble-sibble- goobie, come downstairs and open all of your presents."

Dudley came running down the stairs, stopped over Harry's room and jumped, then again, and again, and again. POW! He jumped so hard that he fell through the stairs and landed right on top of Harry's head.

"Ge oba be ooh ba aah!" he screamed under all 900 pounds of Dudley. Dudley got up and waddled up to the kitchen table where he had 5 very small presents waiting for him to open. Harry stalked into the kitchen to be brought down again by hearing his least favorite song in the world, which coincidently happened to be Dudley's favorite, the song: "I Wanna Sex You Up" by Color Me Badd

"Do we have to listen to this rubbish?" he asked.

"Yes! You will listen to this song till your brain becomes rancid, boy!" Vernon said. And with that he turned the volume on the stereo to full volume.

"The SPAM isn't going to jump onto our plates!" yelled Aunt Petunie

"Can it, Dursley!"

"What did you say to me?"

"NOTHING! You're freakin' hearing things!"

"Now you've done it, boy!" Uncle Vern bellowed. He brought out concert sized speakers and turned it to the song.

"Gah! Can we just go to the zoo?" Big D asked.

"Oh, I suppose. Let me just ring Mrs. Figg to let her know we're dropping off the kid" said Petunia. She picked up the phone and dialed the number.

"Hello, you've reached Arabella Figg. I'm in the hospital cause I tripped on the dang cat – again. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you." Beeeeeeeeeeeep.

"Great! We'll just have to take him with us, I guess."

"Aaw, come on. Do we have to?" Dud asked.

"It looks like it"

"No, Petunia – I will not have that boy in the car. He might steal my Kenny G collection!"

"Don't worry, hun, nobody wants to steal your Kenny G collection. Heck, come to think of it nobody would want to steal anybodies Kenny G collection."

"You've got that right," said Harry.

"Of course I do now shut your mouth before you get forty lashes!"

"CAN I JUST CALL PIERS PLEASE?!"

"NO!" all three said in unison.

"Chh, I will anyway, you can't hold me down, you oppressors. Wherever there is somebody who is denied what they want, need or cherish, I'll be there. For I am the Oppression Exterminator, here to liberate the people who have suffered. Just know, honey chile, that I–"

Petunia whacked him on the head with her sledge hammer. "Vernon, did you forget to give him his medicine again?"

"...Sorry love, I was just so excited for today."

"Oh, like you were excited for yesterday and every day of the last 6 years?"

Harry felt like that he didn't say enough so he cut in, "Can we go to the zoo now?"

"Fine, grab your parka."

On the way to the zoo, in their 1980 pinto, Uncle Vernon was having his mumbles that usually consisted of Harry, bikes, birds, bees, the birds and the bees, knitting, science fiction, Kenny G, Harry, Queen, Kenny G, airplanes, fried chicken, Harriet the Spy, Harry, Queen, Harry and the Queen. "I absolutely love Kenny G. The way that he plays his horn, it's just so enticing. And he's gorgeous too; I mean I wouldn't mind having him wake up next to me every morning. Quite the stud muffin, that man."

"Vern! What are you talking about?"

"What? W-was I talking out loud?"

"Yes, now shut your mouth!"

They finally got to the zoo, but it took an hour to get out of the parking lot because Dudley got stuck in the car – again. They got their tickets and soon gained entry into The Fabulous Zoo of the Animals of This World which was a complete exaggeration as there were only 2 exhibits: the snail and the leech.

"Let's go see the snails first, daddy!"

"Wait, I'm hungry, son."

"BUT I WANNA SEE THE SNAILS!"

"In a moment, let me just get a sundae!"

"Hush, hush now poppet, we'll see the snails." They all walked up to the sundae stand where "I Wanna Sex You Up" was playing.

"Okay, now that we've all got our ice creams,"

"But Aunt Petunia, I didn't get one!"

"We've got our ice creams, lets go see the snails!"

"Yay!"

They got to the two exhibits, but the snail tank was filled with lobsters.

"Aaw, fooey I guess we'll have to look at the leeches." Said Aunt Petunia Dudley ran to the leech tank to look in at them.

"Dad, make them move!"

"Move, move leeches or I'll bust a cap in your a–"

"There's no need for that kind of language Vernon, just tap the glass."

Vernon tapped the glass but nothing happened. "Oh, come on son, it's okay maybe another time"

Harry walked up to the leech tank, "Garsh, it must be boring just staying in a tank all day, huh?"

"Actually, yes." said a high-pitched voice.

"D-d-d-d-d-did you just talk to me?"

"Actually, yes."

"I'd bet you'd like to be set free."

"Actually, yes." Just then Dudley rammed into Harry causing him to fall on his rear.

"Dad, dad they're moving!" he pressed his fat face up to the glass, then all of a sudden it disappeared. The leeches adhered to Dudley's face. "Mum, mum, get these off of me!"

"You!" Vernon grunted.

"What? I didn't do anything! I swear! I'm not a wizard!"

Vernon grabbed Harry and dragged him to the car and locked him in. "Don't you dare touch my man!" He went back to get Dudley and Petunia.

When they got home he threw Harry into his cupboard and said through the little flappy, "You are too a wizard – wait, no you're not! Shut up, Don't Talk to me!"

Incase you're wondering why I stuck "the" in front of the last "queen" was 'cause I was talking about the queen of England, not the band.