Chapter 3 is dedicated to: Benni, for being my first (not perverted); Jasmine, for all her help; Jesus, I love ya, man; Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, they're 18... I'm 14 though so why do I care?; and of course J.K. Rowling, for thinking up this incredible world

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or any businesses, products or any other things I don't own in this story, I only own the FFACOTUSOA, the Fruit Fly Awareness Committee of the United States of America.

Since the happenings of the leeches, Harry had been confined to the cupboard under the stairs. When he was allowed out school was out and Harry was at least 15 pounds lighter. Dudley, on the other hand had gained a whopping 75 which already added to his 923 pounds totaled him at 998. While Harry was on house hiatus Dudley had broken all five of the Popsicle sticks he had received for his birthday.

"UP! Get up, get up, get up, get up. GET UP!" Aunt Petunia shouted

"¿Quién golpea esto en mi soledad?" said Harry in a voluptuous Spanish accent.

"Harry, don't you start acting like that with me, bucko. I'll have you know that I am a black belt in ka-ra-teh. Don't you even think that you'll get away with a stunt like this."

"Boku-tachi wa ikiru hodo ni. Nakushite'ku sukoshi zutsu."

"Just what in God's name do you think you're doing?"

"Boku-tachi wa ikiru hodo ni. Nakushite'ku sukoshi zutsu."

"Stop with that fancy talk or you're out of here!"

"Lysersde stemorblomster eter zebras."

"VERNON! VERNON, COME OVER HERE!"

"Yes, my squeeze melons...wait, no. Crap, that isn't the way I wanted that to sound..."

"Listen to the boy, Vernon!"

"Lysersde stemorblomster eter zebras."

"My God, Petunia. We've got to get him out of this house before he comes in contact with Dudley. After all, Petunia, this might be contagious."

They grabbed Harry and packaged him in layers of plastic wrap in fear of contracting this unknown unknownness. They drove him down to the hospital where they were met with a doctor named Harvey Shippou, known world-round for his expertise in unknown unknownness.

"Well," he said taking a seat, "what've we got today?"

"It's the boy, doc, he's crazy and we would prefer if he were left here," said Uncle Vernon.

"Lysersde stemorblomster eter zebras."

"STOP IT OR IT'S TO THE CUPBOARD WITH YOU!"

"John–"

"Oh thank God, English!"

"Aura la botte fumée."

"You filthy little..."

The doctor quickly cut in, "Hmm... 'John will have the smoked boot.' Mr. Dursley, relax, Harry's just C.R.A.Z.Y."

"HAH! I told you, Petunia, didn't I tell you? I said 'Petunia, he can't stay, he's crazy!' and I know why too, it's cause of the w–"

"Yes, yes, the water he's drinking Vernon, I know."

"No, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, C.R.A.Z.Y. stands for: Can't Really Act Zealous Yet. In simple English for you simpletons it's simply he's got the Foreign Language Incoherent Babbling."

Vernon and Petunia were quiet for a moment, then Vernon spoke up, "So you're saying he's Babbling Incoherently in Foreign Languages?"

"No, I'm saying he's go the Foreign Language Incoherent Babbling. Relax, though, a few shots will clear him up. We've done some testing and we believe it's from extreme solitude."

Aunt Petunia smiled, "Shots eh? Good, the pain will set him straight."

"No Miss Dursley, I mean shots of whiskey, not injections of medicine."

"...Oh, well I guess that's fine too..."

"Can we speed this up a bit? I've got some Kenny G to loo...listen to, yes listen to, not look at."

"Yes Mr. Dursley, it won't take but a few minutes." Dr. Shippou led Harry to the back room where he had served the shots to our young under-age Harry where they sang karaoke to Three Dog Night's greatest hits, played strip twister and paraded through Middlesex singing "Barracuda." When they reentered the exam room Harry and Dr. Shippou were about the drunkest people in London. "Well Mrs. Dursley," he said, speaking to Vernon, "I think that Ha – Ha – Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha."

"Come Vernon, this place is so bourgeois, I feel the class being sucked out of me even as we speak." And it was true, Mrs. Dursley's hair was becoming frizzy and her dress wasn't as sparkly clean.

"I think so, Petunia. Can we just take It and leave, Harv?" They grabbed Harry without bothering to wait for the doctor's permission since he was rolling around on the floor laughing hysterically at a Bert and Ernie toy.

"Oh, God! Kenny G who would I hunger for if there weren't you?" he turned to Petunia who was wearing a look of shock on her face from that last comment. Then he quickly added, "If my darling Petunia weren't alive?"

"That's better," she said.

They arrived at home to find Dudley's new Smeltings uniform on the porch.

"Dudley, Dudley darling, come try on your uniform for mumsey."

"Okay, mummy!" he responded and he practically threw himself down the stairs knowing that if he tried it on like a nice little boy that he'd get a nice crumpled 2234 pound note in his hands. He grabbed the uniform, raced upstairs and came back in a vaudeville type outfit holding a fire poker.

"Oh, how adorable!" squealed Aunt Petunia. Harry on the other hand thought it looked like somebody had tried to squeeze a manatee into a horse that was squeezed into a zebra.

At the next mornings lunch everything was as usual. Aunt Petunia placed their meals on the table, giving Harry quite a lot less than Dudley. CLICK, the mail had arrived.

"Dudley, go get the letters."

"Make Harry."

"Harry, go get the letters."

"Make Aunt Petunia."

"Petunia, go get the letters."

"Have Harry do it."

"Harry, retrieve the mail if you will."

"Why?"

"Because I freaking said so."

"Fine!" Harry got up from the table and went to the mail slot, cursing Uncle Vernon saying that he hoped a giant one of those cool converse shoes landed on top of him. Harry grabbed the mail and looked through it: bill, bill, bill, bill, letter for Dudley, postcard from Aunt Marge, letter for Harry, bil – letter for Harry? Why who in the world would send Harry a letter. He read the entire envelope just to make sure:

Mr. Harry Potter
Living room
4 Privet Drive
Little Whinging
Surrey

It certainly seemed like him. So instead of hiding it in his pocket where he could read it in peace inside his cupboard, he decided to announce it to the table. "Look everyone, I've got a letter!"

"What do you mean you've got a letter? Who would write to a sad little orphan like you?"

"Oh it says – Hogwarts Schoo-" Petunia quickly snatched the letter from him.

"Vernon, my God. Vernon, come over here now!"

"What is it 'Tune?" he said without leaving his chair, "It just looks like one of those letters saying he's won a million dollars."

"No, Vernon, get over here." He picked himself up from his chair and went to Petunia. "Now, let me see this blasted letter." He snatched it from her hands read the back, "OUT, GET OUT BOYS!"

"But father, can't I have a look?"

"NO! LEAVE."

"But daddy."

"LEAVE MY KITCHEN OR THIS WILL BE THE LAST MEAL YOU EVER HAVE DO YOU HEAR ME DUDLEY?" screamed Aunt Petunia.

"Well can't I stay? It's my letter!"

"Did you just ask a question, boy?" asked Vernon.

"Did you?"

"Don't you sass back to me, kid or I'll have your guts for garters."

Just then Harry got an idea, "Seinen Sie ruhig, nimmt das Kissen ihr Schläfchen!"

"Vernon! Vernon it's starting up again!"

Harry took their distraction as an opportunity to grab the letters, but something happened. As he went grabbing for the letter millions of letters starting appearing out of nowhere all for Harry, all from the same place. Now instead of being smart and just picking one off of the floor, Harry did the second idiotic thing of the day; he went grabbing the air for one of the letters instead.

"YARG! We're leaving! I'm giving you 10 minutes pack your stuff!"

Petunia, Dudley and Harry went to go get their things when Vernon grabbed Harry from behind,

"Where do you think you're going?"

"To pack my stuff."

"Oh no. You're going to stay in the same clothes until we get back."

"Okay, it's easier that way."

"...Pack your crap..."

They were speeding down I 23 looking for a place to stay. They had gone to every inn in Great Britain for shelter, but alas everywhere was full. They tried the Holiday Inn, Super 8, Jiffy Lube and even the headquarters of the FFACOTUSOA who were always there to help a fruit fly hating neighbor. No place had enough space for four people to stay.

Then something occurred to Harry, Aunt Petunia was pregnant, and they were riding on a donkey. It was 11:11 when they finally found a place to stay. It was a little cottage-like thing, only it had one wall, no door and a flat roof. There was a tiny manger in the center too.

"Ah, they won't find us here," said Uncle Vernon while unrolling an "I Want Kenny G's Body" sleeping bag.

While Vernon, Petunia and Dudley slept, Harry made himself a birthday cake in the hay on the ground. He looked at his watch and started the countdown 49:23.43, 23:56.64, 11:34.65, 04:13.0, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, 12 o'clock.

Harry saw somebody approaching in the distance. Then he looked up there was a star pointing down to where they had decided to camp. That was odd. The person was drawing closer. Harry realized that it wasn't a person but people. Two people, a man and a woman, the woman was riding on a donkey. The woman was wearing what looked like a burkah thingy, only without the face hider. They made it to the camp-like site with puzzled looks on their faces.

"Joseph, what are these people doing here?" asked the woman.

"I don't know, Mary," responded the man. He went up to Vernon and jabbed him with his staff. "You, yeah you. What are you doing here? Do you not see the star above this place? That star is for our baby, not yours. Now get the crap outa here."

So they trekked on into the night, searching for a place to stay. A few miles later they decided to go to the local Wal-Mart to buy a tent to pitch on the rocks out at sea.

"What about this one Vernon? It's got one room and no door? How's that sound?"

"Oh, absolutely wonderful, I'll take it!"

They rented themselves a boat and sailed out to a rock at the sea. It was 2 o' clock when they had all settled down. Harry was almost asleep when a massive storm started.

Then all of a sudden a door fell onto the floor and a massive man with an extremely scruffy beard came into the tent. The entire tent awoke in utter panic.

"Who the bloody heck are you?" questioned Uncle Vernon.

"I am Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of the Keys, I don't really know what that means though and Grounds at Hogwarts."

I know it's lame, but it'll get better once he enters the wizarding community.