Disclaimer: Once again, I don't own Harry Potter, J.K. Rowling does. I also don't own any business, product, etc. in this story unless specified at the end of the chapter.

Special Thanks and Dedications: Olivia Newton-John, you're the one that I want you are the one I want ooh, ooh, ooh; Mrs. Fields, you always knew the way to my heart; Peter from Family Guy, "Am I supposed to conduct with my penis?" priceless; and before I forget, Ben Stein, Stephen King and all the other meaninglesses I had to step on in order to make it in the world today.

"Rubeus you say? Now is it pronounced 'Ru-bay-us' or 'Ruby-us' because the movie really messed me up?" asked Uncle Vernon.

"It's 'Ru-bay-us' you ballooned buffoon of a baboon! Now, Harry are you ready to go?" Rubeus asked.

"Where to, Rubeus?"

"Oh, call me Hagrid. Wait – where to? What do you mean where to? Don't you know?"

"Know what?"

"Where you're from? Where you belong?"

"Oh! You mean Aunt Petunia's bed!"

"Huh?"

"Yeah, when I first turned 8 Aunt Petunia said to me 'this, my bed, is where you belong. Whenever I need anything you'll come and supply me with it'."

"WHAT!?" Dudley screamed, "You told me that I, and only I, belong in your bed! We'll see if you ever get any from me anymore!"

Aunt Petunia gasped, "You know that the only place I feel comfortable doing it is in bed!"

"Yeah, well you can have somebody else go to your bed and give you your insulin."

"Hey people, can we talk about me again." Harry demanded more than requested.

"Sorry," said Hagrid, "now what do you mean you don't know? Didn't they ever tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

"Harry, you're a wizard."

"No, I'm Harry, just Harry."

Vernon cut in, "spare us the cheesy movie lines."

"Fine. I'm a huh?"

"A wizard." Said Hagrid.

"A what?"

"A FREAKING WIZARD! And Dumbledore said you'd be smart."

"Don't insult the boy's intelligence." Vernon surprisingly said.

"You shut up, muggle." Vernon became really sad and looked down at the floor and noticed the door. "Hey, where'd this door come from?" he asked.

"Oh, I brought it for dramatic effect."

"Oh, okay – proceed."

"Okay."

Hagrid began to dig into his many pockets searching for something unknown. He opened one pocket, dug through it and pulled out something that looked like cow feces. Harry hoped that whatever Hagrid was looking for wasn't that. Hagrid went through pockets upon pockets of pockets looking for that something he was looking for that the Dursley/Potter clan didn't know of. After nearly an hour of searching Hagrid pulled out an envelope.

"Hey! That's my letter!" shouted Harry.

"I know that, kid. I was sent to give it to you."

"Oh, well, give it to me!" Harry snatched the letter and ripped it open

HOGWARTS SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore (Order of Berlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlockstress '47, Supreme Mugwump, International Confederation of Wizards.)

Dear Monsieur Potter,

We're glad to tell you that you are accepted to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Enclosed is a list of things that will be needed for completion of your first year. School starts on September first. We are waiting for your owl which we expect by July 31st.

With much love from,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

"A-wa-huh?" questioned Harry.

"Huh?" said Hagrid.

"What do they mean they are waiting for my owl?"

"Don't you know how to send a letter?"

"Not by owl."

"DURSLEY! Didn't you tell him anything!?"

"You old fool! We've discussed this already. He's a wizard, we knew and we didn't tell him!" interrupted Aunt Petunia.

"You knew?" asked Harry.

"Of course we did. My sister being the freaky little freak she was, then going out to marry one and popping out you. I knew you'd be just as freaky. Then she just had to go get herself blown up!"

"Blown up? You told me that they were looking for the Titanic when a multitude of angry cannibalistic pirates came and gorged heavily on their uncooked remains!"

"CANNIBALS!" burst Hagrid, "yow in the world can cannibals kill Lily ad James Potter? What lies! How could you keep his past from him when everybody knows his name?"

"Why? What happened?" asked Harry.

"It all started with a man called – I don't wanna say his name."

"Oh, go ahead."

"Nah, I don't like to."

"Well...write it."

"Oh, fine." He got out parchment and a quill and wrote it down.

Harry looked down at the paper then said, "Bethany? Why won't you say that?"

"It doesn't say Bethany bubble face!"

"Well then what does it say?"

"VOLDEMORT! Why did you make me say it?"

"Well, why won't you?"

"Well jeez! Everybody is afraid to say his name. I mean all the stuff he did to all the people that opposed him. Why in – ooh," he shuddered, "I can't even say."

"Well then how'd they get blown up?"

"You-Know-Who went to your house on Halloween when you were one year old and demanded to get to you. Your parent wouldn't allow it though. Your father told Lily to take you and hide so he wouldn't get you two. Your dad tried as hard as he could, but You-Know-Who killed him.

"He went into the room where your mom took you to hide. He told her to step aside, that he didn't have to kill her. She wouldn't leave you though. He pushed her out of the way and sent a curse to you, but she jumped in front of the curse to save you.

"Finally it was just you and he. He fired the curse at you but something happened that nobody can explain. Instead of killing you, it backfired and his soul was torn from his body. He fled before he was too weak to survive."

"So did he die?"

"Most people'd tell you yes. But me, I don't buy a word of it. He's out there, inhabiting animals, waiting for the day that one of his cronies will come and bring him out of his hiding."

"Oh..."

"HOW LOVELY THIS ALL IS!" interjected Aunt Petunia, "But he's not going!"

"Yoy! I gotta tell Dumbledore!" said Hagrid. He pulled out a frumpy owl, a piece of parchment and a quill. He began writing:

Dear Professor Dumbledore,

I've given Harry his letter. So urgent, urgent, urgent. Wait and see how urgent supply shopping can be. Can't wait to be back.

Your greatest friend,

Hagrid.

He rolled up the letter tied it onto the owl and threw it into the storm.

"Now, get yourself to bed or you'll be in big trouble mister. Oh and you" he said to Dudley, "get over here!"

Dudley came waddling up to Hagrid. Hagrid conjured a cake behind Dudley.

"Turn around" he said.

Dudley did so and went bounding for the cake. WAZOOSH! Dudley sprouted a pig's tail.

Hagrid boomed in laughter, "That cake's for Harry, biatch."

Well, there you have it. I'm not too fond of the ending, but it was the best of the ones i came up with. All the other ones made it feel like it was the end of the story, so I accept this lameness.