Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter stuffs. I also don't own Kellogg's. Kellogg's owns Kellogg's and JK owns Harry Potter. I also don't own Spiderman or Marvel Comics. Don't own Matel or Barbie either.

Special Thanks and Dedications: Sierra, you sexified (not really) lady. um...hm...Molly Ringwald Sixteen Candles was awesome. Anthony Michael Hall, dude, you shouldn't have done The Dead Zone. The Mythbusters, love the show, guys! Keep it up!

Suggestions: I suggest if you read it to review it, just so I can see what I can be doing better on.

Warning: if you don't like semi-graphic deaths...too bad you've been warned.

Harry awoke the next day thinking of the wondrous dream he was having of a man in a lovely mink robe and extravagant rings. He opened his eyes to find a very similarly looking man leaning over him.

"Ah, Harry, you're awake!" said Hagrid.

"Yes. Hagrid?" he asked

"Huh?"

"Hagrid."

"Huh?"

"HAGRID!?"

"WHAT?"

"Oh...you heard me the whole time, huh?"

"Yes, now what do you want?"

"CRAP! I forgot! Oh yeah! I had a dream about a man who looked a lot like you and he played the piano. Ack, I forgot his name though. Do you know who it is?"

"Liberace," he said solemnly, "that was my identity before I went into hiding."

"Oh."

"Well, you'd better eat your breakfast before it gets cold." He pulled out a box of Raisin Bran.

"Ooh, Raisin Bran."

Suddenly Harry grabbed at the background in a sheet of clothy silkness. Hagrid and he began to sing.

"Raisin Bran, Raisin Bran..." they rang out simultaneously.

"Um...do you know the beat to the rest of the Spiderman theme song?" asked Harry.

"No, no I don't. Oh well." Hagrid said while ripping away the flashy Las Vegas showgirl background revealing the same schlumpy old hut.

Harry finished his two scoops of raisins in every box of the delectable goodness that is Kellogg's Raisin Bran. He picked up the envelope with the school letter so he could read it. He looked at the letter and read: blah, blah, first year. Out came the school supply list.

"Hey Hagrid, did I notice this stuff last night?"

"I don't know, I don't have chapter four with me right now."

"Oh, okay. Well let's look at it anyway."

UNIFORM

5 sets of Tickle Me Pink robes.

2 non-dunce wizard hats.

Leather teddy.

"Hurt me, hurt me I'm sure no way!" said Harry.

"Beastie." Hagrid responded.

"You're totally blitzed."

"Bag your face!"

BOOKS

So You Want To Learn Magic?

Moshi-Moshi: A Guide To Muggle Communication

Standard Book of Spells: Grade 1

Defensive Magic: Defending Yourself in Dire Situations.

Magic and Muggle Herbs and Flowers

OTHER

1 Wand.

1 cauldron

1 Set of scales

"Is this everything I need?" asked Harry.

"Well all that's required of you. You could also bring a cat OR a toad OR an owl."

"Okay, well let's get going then!"

They left the hut and got into the boat to sail off to the mainland.

"Why look at that!" exclaimed Hagrid, "You've gotten a scar from that cut after all, haven't you?"

"Yeah, I guess I have."

After leaving the boat they got onto a train to head to downtown London. On the way Hagrid was explaining a number of things to Harry. Mostly he kept saying how he wanted a dragon more than anything in the world.

"So, now that we're here, where in the world are we going to find all this stuff?"

"Diagon Alley, you silly goose!"

"Diagonilly?"

"Diagon Alley, you twit!"

"Well, how do we get there?"

"Through the Leaky Cauldron!" said Hagrid pointing to a building right next to them. Upon entering Harry immediately knew that this was a freaky place. Everywhere he looked there were nudes. Not your regular embarrassed nudes either, but your freaky absolutely comfortable nudes.

"Hey, Hagrid shall I get you your usual?" asked what seemed to be the Chief Nude.

"No, thanks, Tom. I've been sent by Dumbledore to get Harry his school things."

Upon hearing the word "Harry" all the people in the bar looked around and gaped. Almost immediately they rushed over to Harry and began to bow before him and chant completely inunderstandable words. After they'd finished Harry pointed to tom and asked what all this was.

"We're the Open Grasslands Of The Field Of Joy Which Also Worships Harry Potter Nudist Cult," he said.

"Oh...I understand. But do you need to be so extreme?" Harry asked while they were all save one standing in a circle seasoning a ham in the strangest manner.

"Yes, it's required of us." He said joining the group, adding the oregano.

"Oh, I get it." He then turned to the one standing away from the rest of the group, "Why aren't you seasoning the ham as well?" he asked.

"I'm Jewish." He responded

"Aah."

"Well, Harry, we'd better get going. We have a lot to do after all." said Hagrid.

He led Harry out to a brick wall in the back of the building.

"Hagrid, what's this supposed to be."

"Watch." Hagrid said with a hint of excitement. He pulled out his Barbie umbrella and tapped the first, then first, then second, then third, then fifth, then eighth, then thirteenth then twenty-first. The bricks started to magically shift forming an arch for them to enter the newly visible alley. The alley was filled with shops for all sorts of things. There were shops for wands, robes, books, pets, apothecaries and millions of other things.

"Where are we going first, Hagrid?"

"Gringotts bank. It's the most top security bank in the world!" Hagrid said as they walked into the bank.

Just as they entered a security elf came over the PA, "Attention Gringotts customers. Due to the recent entry the terror level is now orange. Thank you."

"Why was the threat level heightened cause of you?" Harry asked.

"Oh, no, chile. The threat level was heightened cause of you."

They approached a wooden desk with a little goblin sitting behind it. Hagrid leaned over and said, "Yes, Harry Potter would like to make a withdrawal."

"Aah," the goblin said "But does Harry Potter have his key?"

"Do you?" Hagrid asked.

"Why would I have a key when I barely figured out about this world 10 hours ago?"

"Yes, you're right. Well I s'pose I've got it somewhere." He began searching his pockets for the key that would open the vault with Harry's money. "Well here it is!" he said after a few minutes searching. He gave the key to the service goblin who inspected. After looking over the key he called over a goblin,

"Griphook, take these people down to vault 713." he said.

"Sure thing, boss." Griphook responded.

"Wait," said Hagrid, "Dumbledore's told me to get you know what out of you know where in vault you know which where you know what will ask for you know who, who will meet you know who you know where at you know when."

"Okay. Take them there too, Griphook." the goblin said.

Griphook led them across the room to a mine cart, which even Hagrid had to clamber into. Griphook turned around and asked them if they were ready and comfortable. They said yes and off they were. Zooming at a thousand miles per hour, going faster and faster every second, they made their way down to Harry's vault. Harry, who was used to going at fast speeds because of Dudley's gang, was sitting pleasantly looking at the scenes passing him by. Hagrid, on the other hand, had his eyes shut tight as he didn't like fastness.

"Wow, Hagrid! I think I just saw a dragon." Harry said.

"Don't talk to me, son!" Hagrid responded angrily.

Finally they reached Harry's vault.

"May I have the key, please?" Griphook asked.

"Here you go."

Griphook stuck the key in the key shaped hole. In an instant the door became thousands of little metal cubes and fell away. Loads of black smoke came billowing out of the vault. Harry looked into his vault, looking at the piles of bronze, gold and silver coins. He, Hagrid and Griphook all walked inside, but people were already there.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" asked a man, "This is the papal election!"

"Yikes, well...we won't take long." Hagrid told him.

"What are all these coins?" Harry asked while taking handfuls of each type.

"They're Galleons, Sickles and Knuts. There are twenty-nine Knuts in a Sickle and seventeen Sickles in a Galleon. Easy, isn't it?"

"ONWARD!" yelled Griphook and they got into the cart and zoomed off. Faster and faster, then faster some more, trying to get to vault 713's door.

The cart stopped abruptly at the vault. Griphook hopped out of the cart and Harry and Hagrid were about to do the same.

"Stay away! See, unless a Gringotts goblin does that the person will be immediately sucked into the vault where hungry Quintapeds will fall from the ceiling and consume them." Griphook told them. They did as they were told and stayed in the cart. Griphook took his finger and stroked the door. It melted away like the clocks in the painting. Harry expected to see fabulous jewelry or chalices or perhaps a righteous lawyer. It wasn't so; instead all he saw was a one-foot by five-inch package.

"Why is that so top security?" he asked Hagrid.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that."

They all got back into the mine cart and escalated up to the main floor of the bank and left.

With Harry's newly gained money he couldn't wait to get shopping.

"Where now, Hagrid?"

"Madam Malkin's Robes, of course." He said as they walked inside the shop.

"Well hello, Hagrid! How've you been?"

"Good, now let's get down to business. I've got a tight schedule."

Madam Malkin gave him a look of being freaked out.

"WHAT ARE YOU STARING AT? GET WORKING!" he said pointing his wand at her temple.

Shaking, she grabbed the needle and starting pinning Harry's robes.

"That's right, yes. Yeah. Ooh, all right." Hagrid kept repeating.

Harry looked to his left at a young boy with normal blonde hair and pale skin.

"Hello." the boy said.

"Hello." Harry responded

"Are you going to Hogwarts, too?" he asked.

"I sure am!" Harry replied.

"What house do you think you'll be in? I hope I get Hufflepuff. Just imagine if we were put in Slytherin! What kind of loser would want to be in that house!"

"I would!" said the platinum blonde haired boy standing on the stool next to him. "Everybody knows Slytherin is the place to be." he continued, "I mean there's lying, cheating, muggle tormenting! Why everything any child has ever wanted Slytherin has to offer!"

"I completely agree," said the pale blonde boy next to him, "Father says I'll be sure to land in that house."

"Well I know for a fact that I will get into Slytherin. My father, Mr. Lucius Malfoy, knows the sorting hat."

"Yeah, okay." the first boy said sarcastically, hopping down from his stool and leaving the shop.

"You'll see, pretty boy." the Malfoy kid said.

Madam Malkin had become comfortable with Hagrid's love for the stitch, too comfortable in fact. She was putting in her last pin when she slipped and pinned Harry in his finger.

"Oh, that does it!" screamed Hagrid. He put his wand up to her head and spoke words Harry didn't understand. She fell over dead the next second.

"Whoa, Hagrid!" Harry said shocked, "Thank God that was just an extra robe and not the first one she was doing." Harry grabbed his stuff, hopped down from his stool and left the store.

They went into Flourish and Blotts next so as to buy the schoolbooks. There were books piled to the ceiling and then some in that store. After buying his needed books Harry decided he wanted to get another book for reading, entitled, but Hagrid wouldn't allow it. He told Harry that he wasn't magically skilled enough for that sort of thing even though the book was Flutes for Bakas.

Hagrid wouldn't let Harry get the platinum cauldron saying that the list specified aluminum, even though it didn't. He did get himself a nice set of scales for potion weighing, though.

"Now, you go on into Ollivanders' while I go get something, k?" Hagrid told him

"Okay." Harry said.

He walked into the wand store and was about to turn out because nobody was there when, "Hello, Mr. Potter," a voice said.

"Who-who's there?" Harry asked.

"Why, it's me Mr. Ollivander. I was waiting for you to come and now you're here! You don't know how long I've been waiting for this day." He said lighting candles.

"Why were you waiting so much?"

"Because I just couldn't wait to see you.

"Mr. Ollivander, I don't want to talk, I just want a wand."

"Mr. Potter! Are you trying to seduce me?"

"No, I'm not. I'd like a wand, please."

"Fine, get over here."

Harry followed him to the back of the room where all of the wands were stored.

"Get on the chair. GET ON THE CHAIR!"

Harry hopped onto the chair.

"Now spread out your arms!"

He did as he was told. Mr. Ollivander began to take Harry's measurements.

"Here try this. 9 inches, unicorn hair made of birch." He handed the wand to Harry and immediately took it out of his hands. "How 'bout this one? 14 inches, dragon heartstring, maple." Again as soon as Harry touched it it was ripped from his fingers. This went on for what seemed like hours. "Hmm...I wonder," he said to himself taking a wand down from the shelf. "Here, holly, eleven inches phoenix tail."

Harry felt all warm inside when he grabbed the wand. And when he waved it red and gold sparks flew from the tip.

"Oh, hooray, hooray, hooray! Very curious, though, very extremely curious."

"What exactly is so curious?" Harry asked.

"Well, you see, the phoenix who gave that feather gave another, but just one. It's so strange that you happen to get this wand when the other feathered wand belonged to You-Know-Who. Thirteen and a half inches, made of Yew. Every wand I've sold I remember...strange...Dumbledore...spaghetti sauce..."

Harry took this rambling as prime time to leave especially without paying. He sat on the bench in front of the shop for a few minutes when Hagrid came up the seat carrying a large Snowy Owl.

"What's this Hagrid?" Harry asked

"It's your birthday present from me!"

"Oh, wow! Thank you!"

"Well, now that you've gotten everything you need I guess we'll be going home now." Hagrid told him.

They left Daigon Alley and went back into the Leaky Cauldron where they each had a hamburger. They then went to the train station where they boarded his train back Privet Drive.

"Well, here you are." Hagrid said in front of Number 4, "I'll see you soon." He bent over and gave Harry a scratchy razor sharp whiskers kiss.

"AAH, MY FACE!" Harry screamed, "LOOK WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO MY FACE! GOOD BYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!"

I know, completely unfunny but I stretched the writing over freakin'...a month and a half I think it was. Plus I'm completely drained of all my creativity now that school's started seriously I didn't even bother to edit anything. Which reminds me that I gotta study for my Spanish test. So hasta (or however you spell it) la vista, babies. Um...aand I'll probably only be able to write this during Saturdays but don't worry it should be out before Halloween if it isn't I'll be mad. And if this isn't indented, I'm going to be REALLY MAD! Oh! aand, you can probably expect the whole thing or the majority to be re-written around Christmas because I'm severely unhappy with this chapter.