Disclaimer: I don't own LoK, or Santa Clause (he's real, dammit!)
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(The scene is a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. Kain is standing at the wheel, a pirate's hat on, an eyepatch, and a peg leg. The narrator, who is Mortanius, speaks)
Mortanius: Now I will list you the top 5 reasons why you don't see any vampire who also happen to be pirates.
(Kain is shown with an eye-patch over both eyes)
Mortanius: Reason number one: They don't know which eye to put a patch over
so they put one on both eyes. You can probably see why this is a bad idea.
(Kain, with an eye-patch over both eyes, walks proudly, blindly, until he runs into the wheel and falls off the ship)
Kain: Aye, it burnssssss, savy?
Mortanius: Reason number two: They get bored fighting and killing and blwoing holes into the weak human ships, so they blow holes in their own ships.
(shows Kain, dressed as a pirate with one eye-patch, ordering the vampire crewmates to blow a hole into their own ship)
Kain: Humans are so easy to kill that it's boring, aye? So let's kill our own ships!
(so the vampires turn the cannons into their OWN ship and starts firing on their own ship. Soon their ship has sunken and they're all dead)
Mortanius: Well, they're not bored anymore. Reason number 3: They keep trying to catch killer whales.
(shows Kain dressed as a pirate, calling himself Captain Kain-hab, and is ordering the crew to find and kill Moebius Dick, the evil killer whale)
Kain-hab: And now to motivate you, my crew, I shall nail a coin to the mast.
(so Kain starts to nail the coin to the mast, but ends up nailing his hand to the mast as well)
Mortanius: All of his flailing and screaming wakes up Moebius Dick who then eats them all. Reason number 4: Whenever there's a man overboard, all of the vampires dive into the WATER after the overboard person.
(shows Kain as a pirate looking down and sees a dead vampire drifting in the water)
Kain: Everyone! Man overboard, savy!
(and so the entire crew, except Kain, dive into the water to save the overboard vampire, just to all get burnt to death)
Kain: Whoops.
Mortanius: Reason number 5 which happens to be the most important reason why you never see any vampires that are also pirates: They all got into a terrible war where they ALL died because one half thought they should be called Vampire Pirates and the other half thought they should be called Pirate Vampires. And that was the end of a truly stupid race.
(Mortanius bows and the screen goes black)
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(The scene is the Pillars and Kain's sitting on his thrown dressed as Santa Clause. Janos was beside him in a green pointy hat, green pointy shoes with bells on them, a green frilly shirt and unnecessarily tight green tights)
Kain: Every years I'm Father Christmas for the sake of my mentally challenged sons who still thinks Santa Clause is real, and every year they kick my shin and I mouth off at them for being stupid.
Janos: Well maybe someone needs some-(Janos wiggles Kain's nose)-Christmas cheer! Remember: (Janos cues his singing voice) You're making a list, you're checking it twice, you've gotta find out who's naughty or nice-
(before Janos could continue in his happy glee, Kain must have decided he wanted to be naughty cause he hit Janos in the stomach with a protractor)
Kain: Shut up ya stupid elf! Okay, let the first of my retarded brethren step forward and tell me what retarded stuff they want. Now they're gonna hop on
my legs and crush my crotch. Joy.
(Melchiah steps forward and sits on Kain's legs)
Melchiah: Yay! Santa Clause! Wow, I never knew Santa Clause was so wrinkly!
Kain: (heavy sigh) Just tell me what you want, cretin!
Melchiah: I want a Red Rider BB Gun!
Kain: No!! You're shoot your eyes out! Retard!
(then Melchiah pouts, kicks Kain's shin, then leaves. Kain is groping his shin)
Kain: Told you.
Janos: Someone needs to be more jolly!
(Zephon comes up, runs, and hops on Kain's legs)
Zephon: Why do you look so angry Santa? Your face is flushed red. Are you mad at me?
Janos: No, Santa's face is red cause he's so jolly!
Kain: (thinking) Note to self: Strangle the crap outta Janos. (out loud) So what do you want ya little hobgoblin?
Zephon: I want to be able to shoot webs out of my hands like Spider-Man!
Kain: Spider-Man isn't real. Spider-Man fought Newspaper-Man and then Newspaper-Man squished Spider-Man.
Zephon: Noooo-oooo-ooo-ooo!!
(Zephon jumped off, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)
Kain: Why my shin?
Janos: You need more Christmas spirit Kainy Clause!
Kain: Don't call me that.
(Rahab runs up and jumps on Kain)
Kain: Ho ho ho, what the hell do you want for Christmas?
Rahab: I want some catnip!
Kain: ...
Janos: ...
Rahab: (puppy dog eyes)
Kain: (well, Kain couldn't think of a cruel enough insult about what Rahab wished for, so Kain just settled for a simple:) My god, you're an ugly child. And damn goofy too.
(Rahab cried, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)
Kain: Owy!
Janos: Kainy Clause, why can't you be jolly?
Kain: I thought I told you not to call me that.
(then Dumah entered and started to jump to Kain, but Kain held out his claws)
Kain: No, you're fat ass will break my legs. Ho ho ho and all that, what do you want for Christmas?
Dumah: Well, I was thinking that since I'm much better than my other brothers and I'm much more manly, I should get something for Christmas that shows just how much more manly I am!
Kain: (skeptical) Yes?
Dumah: Permission to take Enzyme! The natural "Vampire" enhancement!
Kain: ...
Dumah: (goofy grin)
Kain: Tell ya what, I'll just get you Rock'em Sock'em Vampires.
Dumah: Goody, I've been wanting one of those!
(Dumah jumped into the air in excitement then left. Then Turel came in and walked up to Kain)
Turel: Santy Clause!! Is it true that if you sire standing up then your first-born turns out cross-eyed!?
Kain: Just tell me what you want blockhead.
Turel: I want a pony!
Kain: Ponies die...
(then Turel cried, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)
Janos: Someone needs a little Christmas spirit! How's about a hug? A great big hug!
(then, before Kain could pull Janos' intestines out through his mouth, Raziel walked up to him)
Raziel: Santa Clause!!
Kain: What do you want you genetically engineered freak?
Raziel: You're so funny Santa! I want...to be a beautiful tree, all oaky with leaves falling down my sweet little arms!
Kain: (stares) You'll just get Dutch Elm Disease and die.
(then Raziel stabs his shin and Kain falls to the ground in pain)
Kain: The torture...the torture...
Janos: How about a hug? I'd love to give you a Christmas hug to cheer you up cause I'm Santa's little helper! Besides, it's Christmas and you get a special Christmas wish. Go ahead, wish for something, it may come true! And besides, you need to be more joy, be more gay like me!
(Kain glared at him then Kain scrunched up his eyes tight and wished. A few
minute later, he stood up slightly disappointed)
Janos: Well?
Kain: So far, my wish hasn't come true.
(then, all of a sudden, a portal appeared and the Sarafan Lord stepped out,
kicked Janos in the balls and threw Janos into the demon realm where Janos would suffer forever and the Sarafan Lord left into the portal. Then Moebius and Vorador entered, Moebius chopped off Vorador's head, then Moebius died of a
heart attack)
Kain: My wish DID come true!
(then Kain walked off satisfied)
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This is my Christmas present for you! An already updated skits, and to tell you the truth, this was originally gonna be longer (it was gonna have a sketch with Magnus as the Grinch) but difficulties (such as skits being to long, wanna make them short, and getting this out in time for Christmas) led to the skit not getting done, but it may be made out in a latter date. I will be working on this some more, but it probably won't be updated for a while because I shall be devoting lots and lots of my free time to another LoK fic called "The Pillars of Nosgoth" which will be a novelized (a serious one) version of Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain. I will be putting a WHOLE LOT of time, dedication, devotion, and studying to this novelization. I will be doing a lot of studying towards LoK to make sure I get absolutely everything right and I will try to write it as professionally as possible to ensure that it will feel as much like a novel as possible while retaining its video game charm. Well, wish me luck in this noble undertaking and review if you liked. P.S. Seeing LoTR: Return of the King in the theaters was one of the best 3 and a half hours of my life and merry Christmas!
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(The scene is a pirate ship in the middle of the ocean. Kain is standing at the wheel, a pirate's hat on, an eyepatch, and a peg leg. The narrator, who is Mortanius, speaks)
Mortanius: Now I will list you the top 5 reasons why you don't see any vampire who also happen to be pirates.
(Kain is shown with an eye-patch over both eyes)
Mortanius: Reason number one: They don't know which eye to put a patch over
so they put one on both eyes. You can probably see why this is a bad idea.
(Kain, with an eye-patch over both eyes, walks proudly, blindly, until he runs into the wheel and falls off the ship)
Kain: Aye, it burnssssss, savy?
Mortanius: Reason number two: They get bored fighting and killing and blwoing holes into the weak human ships, so they blow holes in their own ships.
(shows Kain, dressed as a pirate with one eye-patch, ordering the vampire crewmates to blow a hole into their own ship)
Kain: Humans are so easy to kill that it's boring, aye? So let's kill our own ships!
(so the vampires turn the cannons into their OWN ship and starts firing on their own ship. Soon their ship has sunken and they're all dead)
Mortanius: Well, they're not bored anymore. Reason number 3: They keep trying to catch killer whales.
(shows Kain dressed as a pirate, calling himself Captain Kain-hab, and is ordering the crew to find and kill Moebius Dick, the evil killer whale)
Kain-hab: And now to motivate you, my crew, I shall nail a coin to the mast.
(so Kain starts to nail the coin to the mast, but ends up nailing his hand to the mast as well)
Mortanius: All of his flailing and screaming wakes up Moebius Dick who then eats them all. Reason number 4: Whenever there's a man overboard, all of the vampires dive into the WATER after the overboard person.
(shows Kain as a pirate looking down and sees a dead vampire drifting in the water)
Kain: Everyone! Man overboard, savy!
(and so the entire crew, except Kain, dive into the water to save the overboard vampire, just to all get burnt to death)
Kain: Whoops.
Mortanius: Reason number 5 which happens to be the most important reason why you never see any vampires that are also pirates: They all got into a terrible war where they ALL died because one half thought they should be called Vampire Pirates and the other half thought they should be called Pirate Vampires. And that was the end of a truly stupid race.
(Mortanius bows and the screen goes black)
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(The scene is the Pillars and Kain's sitting on his thrown dressed as Santa Clause. Janos was beside him in a green pointy hat, green pointy shoes with bells on them, a green frilly shirt and unnecessarily tight green tights)
Kain: Every years I'm Father Christmas for the sake of my mentally challenged sons who still thinks Santa Clause is real, and every year they kick my shin and I mouth off at them for being stupid.
Janos: Well maybe someone needs some-(Janos wiggles Kain's nose)-Christmas cheer! Remember: (Janos cues his singing voice) You're making a list, you're checking it twice, you've gotta find out who's naughty or nice-
(before Janos could continue in his happy glee, Kain must have decided he wanted to be naughty cause he hit Janos in the stomach with a protractor)
Kain: Shut up ya stupid elf! Okay, let the first of my retarded brethren step forward and tell me what retarded stuff they want. Now they're gonna hop on
my legs and crush my crotch. Joy.
(Melchiah steps forward and sits on Kain's legs)
Melchiah: Yay! Santa Clause! Wow, I never knew Santa Clause was so wrinkly!
Kain: (heavy sigh) Just tell me what you want, cretin!
Melchiah: I want a Red Rider BB Gun!
Kain: No!! You're shoot your eyes out! Retard!
(then Melchiah pouts, kicks Kain's shin, then leaves. Kain is groping his shin)
Kain: Told you.
Janos: Someone needs to be more jolly!
(Zephon comes up, runs, and hops on Kain's legs)
Zephon: Why do you look so angry Santa? Your face is flushed red. Are you mad at me?
Janos: No, Santa's face is red cause he's so jolly!
Kain: (thinking) Note to self: Strangle the crap outta Janos. (out loud) So what do you want ya little hobgoblin?
Zephon: I want to be able to shoot webs out of my hands like Spider-Man!
Kain: Spider-Man isn't real. Spider-Man fought Newspaper-Man and then Newspaper-Man squished Spider-Man.
Zephon: Noooo-oooo-ooo-ooo!!
(Zephon jumped off, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)
Kain: Why my shin?
Janos: You need more Christmas spirit Kainy Clause!
Kain: Don't call me that.
(Rahab runs up and jumps on Kain)
Kain: Ho ho ho, what the hell do you want for Christmas?
Rahab: I want some catnip!
Kain: ...
Janos: ...
Rahab: (puppy dog eyes)
Kain: (well, Kain couldn't think of a cruel enough insult about what Rahab wished for, so Kain just settled for a simple:) My god, you're an ugly child. And damn goofy too.
(Rahab cried, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)
Kain: Owy!
Janos: Kainy Clause, why can't you be jolly?
Kain: I thought I told you not to call me that.
(then Dumah entered and started to jump to Kain, but Kain held out his claws)
Kain: No, you're fat ass will break my legs. Ho ho ho and all that, what do you want for Christmas?
Dumah: Well, I was thinking that since I'm much better than my other brothers and I'm much more manly, I should get something for Christmas that shows just how much more manly I am!
Kain: (skeptical) Yes?
Dumah: Permission to take Enzyme! The natural "Vampire" enhancement!
Kain: ...
Dumah: (goofy grin)
Kain: Tell ya what, I'll just get you Rock'em Sock'em Vampires.
Dumah: Goody, I've been wanting one of those!
(Dumah jumped into the air in excitement then left. Then Turel came in and walked up to Kain)
Turel: Santy Clause!! Is it true that if you sire standing up then your first-born turns out cross-eyed!?
Kain: Just tell me what you want blockhead.
Turel: I want a pony!
Kain: Ponies die...
(then Turel cried, kicked Kain in the shin, then left)
Janos: Someone needs a little Christmas spirit! How's about a hug? A great big hug!
(then, before Kain could pull Janos' intestines out through his mouth, Raziel walked up to him)
Raziel: Santa Clause!!
Kain: What do you want you genetically engineered freak?
Raziel: You're so funny Santa! I want...to be a beautiful tree, all oaky with leaves falling down my sweet little arms!
Kain: (stares) You'll just get Dutch Elm Disease and die.
(then Raziel stabs his shin and Kain falls to the ground in pain)
Kain: The torture...the torture...
Janos: How about a hug? I'd love to give you a Christmas hug to cheer you up cause I'm Santa's little helper! Besides, it's Christmas and you get a special Christmas wish. Go ahead, wish for something, it may come true! And besides, you need to be more joy, be more gay like me!
(Kain glared at him then Kain scrunched up his eyes tight and wished. A few
minute later, he stood up slightly disappointed)
Janos: Well?
Kain: So far, my wish hasn't come true.
(then, all of a sudden, a portal appeared and the Sarafan Lord stepped out,
kicked Janos in the balls and threw Janos into the demon realm where Janos would suffer forever and the Sarafan Lord left into the portal. Then Moebius and Vorador entered, Moebius chopped off Vorador's head, then Moebius died of a
heart attack)
Kain: My wish DID come true!
(then Kain walked off satisfied)
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This is my Christmas present for you! An already updated skits, and to tell you the truth, this was originally gonna be longer (it was gonna have a sketch with Magnus as the Grinch) but difficulties (such as skits being to long, wanna make them short, and getting this out in time for Christmas) led to the skit not getting done, but it may be made out in a latter date. I will be working on this some more, but it probably won't be updated for a while because I shall be devoting lots and lots of my free time to another LoK fic called "The Pillars of Nosgoth" which will be a novelized (a serious one) version of Blood Omen: Legacy of Kain. I will be putting a WHOLE LOT of time, dedication, devotion, and studying to this novelization. I will be doing a lot of studying towards LoK to make sure I get absolutely everything right and I will try to write it as professionally as possible to ensure that it will feel as much like a novel as possible while retaining its video game charm. Well, wish me luck in this noble undertaking and review if you liked. P.S. Seeing LoTR: Return of the King in the theaters was one of the best 3 and a half hours of my life and merry Christmas!