Disclaimer: Don't own LoK but I do own all the games
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((The scene is outer space. A spaceship called Enterprice is flying backwards)
Zephon: (VO) Space log...12934745743...our mission...is to seek out...new life wherever we...go, to explore...and to boldly back away from where no man has gone before!
(Star Trek music plays)
Zephon is Catpain Kirk
Hash'ak'gik is Scotty
Magnus is Spock
Raziel is Jim
Mortanius is Doctor
Dumah is Guy in Red Shirt That Always Dies
Directed by Coleman Francis
(the scene is the inside of the Enterprice. The chair in the middle of the main flying room is now a toilet instead. Zephon walks up and notices the toilet and turns to Hash'ak'gik)
Zephon: Scotty...would you mind telling...me WHY there's a toilet in the middle of the room!
Hask'ak'gik: I dunno Catpain! I'm a Scottish just so yoo know!
Zephon: Someone has...been redecorating my...spaceship! I'm a puny...little Hades' twinkie who can't figure anything out on my own so I must call out for help.
Hask'ak'gik: That you are Catpain!
Zephon: Help...me Spock!
(Magnus came running in)
Magnus: SPOCK LIKES MEAT!
Zephon: Yes Spock...you do. I have...a crisis.
Magnus: CATPAIN KIRK ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS! KIRK IS LOSER!
Hask'ak'gik: Dat is logical.
(Zephon points at the toilet)
Zephon: What...is that...travesty!?
Magnus: WHY IT IS A TOILET CATPAIN KIRK!
Zephon: (looks towards the readers and romantic music starts playing) Yes but...do you have any...idea how emotional...this can be...to me?
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HUMAN EMOTIONS! SPOCK UNDERSTANDS MEAT THOUGH!
Zephon: I mean...the toilet has now...been defiled from its purpose...as a private kingdom. This is...dramatic.
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T CARE, SPOCK WANTS MEAT!
Hash'ak'gik: No time for dat romanteec stuff now catpain, where are heading
towards a planet!
Zephon: What...is more...dramatic than a...defiled toilet?
Hash'ak'gik: We're heading towards Uranus.
Zephon: There are...Klingons at...Uranus!
Magnus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Zephon: What is...so funny?
Hask'ak'gik: Yeah, dis is serious!
Zephon: Scotty, set a...course for Uranus!
Magnus: SPOCK FEELS WEIRD SENSATION THAT YOU PRIMITVE HUMANS CALL HUMOR!
Hash'ak'gik: Be careful everyone, we're gonna have to go at da light speed to enter Uranus and when there we can wipe out da Klingons! Everyone ready?
Magnus: (snickers) AHEM, (snickers) SPOCK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND (snickers) THE CONCEPT OF HUMOR SO (snickers) SPOCK DOESN'T THINK THIS IS (snickers) FUNNY!
(so everyone buckled up and entered light-speed. When they were in Uranus, they unbuckled after decelerating but a certain other member wasn't buckled so when they went out of light-speed, a crewmember in a red shirt went flying past and landed in a stump grinder. Raziel and Mortanius enter)
Raziel: Doctor, is Dumah okay?
Mortanius: Damnit Jim, I'm an Organ Demonstrator, not a doctor!
Raziel: But is he dead?
Mortanius: He's dead Jim.
Raziel: (angst)
Mortanius: (mock angst)
Zephon: Crew, let's...venture out into...Uranus!
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T (now in fits of laughter) THINK THIS IS (fits of laughter) FUNNY. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
((MortalSora of the Azure Sky: What dramatic events await our heroes? Find out in Part 2!))
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((The scene is some seemingly random place in Nosgoth. There are tremors in the ground and after a while two vampires dig out from under the ground, Kain and Melchiah. Melchiah is holding a map))
Kain: (looks around) Hey, wait a minute! This doesn't look like Albuquerque!
Melchiah: That's cause it's not.
Kain: I told you we should've token that left turn at Willendorf!
Melchiah: Then you use the map next time!
(Kain, Melchiah and the other lieutenants climb out of a hole in the ground and they look around. There are restaurants everywhere, all for spaghetti, and a huge tower)
Raziel: Where are we?
Zephon: Oh, spaghetti!
(then a Dumahim walks up. The vampire is wearing black and white stripped shirt, black pants, and a red barret)
Dumahim: Ohohohohoh, vwelcome! And vwhat have we here?
Rahab: Where are we?
Dumahim: French Nosgoth of course! (lots of accordion music can be heard in
the background, all off-beat)
Rahab: Um...
Dumahim: Vwait, are you a threat!?
Dumah Why do you want to know?
Dumahim: Because if you are a threat, we will either run or surrender immediately!
Kain: Why?
Dumahim: Cause it's French custom of course! A children's book haz more of a spine zen us!
Zephon: (nervous sweat drop) (sweat drops burn) AHHHHH, IT BURNS!!
Dumahim: A burn! Oh no!!
(then tons of French vampires hide)
French Rahabim: We surrender!
Kain: Oh G'damn it, it was just a tiny sweat drop!
(French Dumahim cautiously peeks his head around a bench)
Dumahim: You sure zat was all it was?
Kain: YES!
(the French vampires all come out of hiding)
Rahabim: You must forgive us, we are, as you people would say "wieners."
Kain: Yes, I can see that now. Listen, it's been a long journey, are there any humans we can eat?
Dumahim: Humans!? Pffft! In French Nosgoth we only eat frogs! Preferably with pumpernickel sauce!
Kain: My god...
Melchiah: How come we never take the correct turn at Willendorf?
Dumahim: Of course we have liquids to drink. Wine!
Zephon: You drink wine?
Dumahim: Ohohohohohoho, but of course we drink wine! What kind of French vampires would we be if we didn't drink wine?
Turel: I'm scared! Let's get out of this place!
Dumahim: No no no no no, don't go! We French vampires need your help!
Kain: Oh cripe! What is it?
Rahabim: It haz been really hot lately and many of our kind have been dying of heat stroke and we can't figure out why! Can you solve this mystery?
(Kain and the lieutenants could tell that it was really hot, 130 degrees to be exact, and then they found the source of the problem. In the 130 degree heat, all of the French vampires were wearing heavy wool costumed that thickly covered there entire body)
Dumah: (to Kain) Please, with vampires this stupid, can't we just let them burn to death?
Kain: Not just yet. Let's explore their houses.
Rahabim: Very good idea, maybe we vwill found the root of our problems there!
(so the Rahabim led Kain and the others to a modern French house. Inside of the house, the other French vampires that lived there wore triple thick cotton wool clothes and all there heaters were up to max, which was around 120 degrees)
Rahabim: So vwhy do you think we are dying of heat stroke!? I zink that I speak for all French vampires when I say that I am totally stumped!
Turel: (to Kain) Please, can't we let them die?
Kain: No.
(Kain and all the other vampires walked outside of the house)
Rahabim: So vwhat do vwe do to stop our dying of heat stroke!?
Raziel: (whispers to Melchiah) They could kill themselves.
Melchiah: Hehehehehe.
Kain: (to Rahabim) Have you heard of ICE or AIR CONDITIONERS?
Rahabim: Yes, vwhat's your point?
Kain: Just turn them on your freakin' morons!
Rahabim: Hazaa! You've saved us! We didn't think of zat!
Kain: (rolls eyes)
Dumahim: We are saved!
Zephon: Achoo! (Zephon sneezes)
Dumahim: (horrified look) Oh no, he has sneezed! He might have SARS! Run away!
Rahabim: We surrender without fighting!
(and then all of the French vampires hide and some surrender and beg Zephon's sneeze for mercy)
Dumah: On my god, let's get out of here!
(so they all go back into the hole from which they arrived in and dig some more)
Raziel: But you know Kain, I'm surprised you didn't just kill them. That's uncharacteristic of you.
Duamh: Yeah, why didn't you just kill them?
Kain: Just because they're sissy annoying French vampires doesn't mean there's nothing good about France.
Turel: What have the French done right?
Kain: French maids! ^__^
(they all silently nodded in agreement)
Raziel: (under his breath) No wonder vampires are all thought of as perverted.
(so then they dug back the way they came and once AGAIN took the wrong turn
at Willendorf)
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Yay, this chapter of skits has just been so fun to write. I actually laughed a lot while writing this, which is pretty rare for me. And as for my Blood Omen novelization, I am getting near the end of the Prologue. I'm at where Malek gets damned and I re-watched the beginnig cinema at least 8 times just to make sure I get the details of the four guardians down right, even the one that dies as soon as Vorador bursts in. And I've re-watched it at least 2 times just to see what the vampire that gets impaled at the very beginning looks like, so as you can see I'm taking this very seriously. Anyway, I just had to write this in the meantime, I couldn't let this idea stay buried. Well, hope you enjoyed and if so then review!
((The scene is outer space. A spaceship called Enterprice is flying backwards)
Zephon: (VO) Space log...12934745743...our mission...is to seek out...new life wherever we...go, to explore...and to boldly back away from where no man has gone before!
(Star Trek music plays)
Zephon is Catpain Kirk
Hash'ak'gik is Scotty
Magnus is Spock
Raziel is Jim
Mortanius is Doctor
Dumah is Guy in Red Shirt That Always Dies
Directed by Coleman Francis
(the scene is the inside of the Enterprice. The chair in the middle of the main flying room is now a toilet instead. Zephon walks up and notices the toilet and turns to Hash'ak'gik)
Zephon: Scotty...would you mind telling...me WHY there's a toilet in the middle of the room!
Hask'ak'gik: I dunno Catpain! I'm a Scottish just so yoo know!
Zephon: Someone has...been redecorating my...spaceship! I'm a puny...little Hades' twinkie who can't figure anything out on my own so I must call out for help.
Hask'ak'gik: That you are Catpain!
Zephon: Help...me Spock!
(Magnus came running in)
Magnus: SPOCK LIKES MEAT!
Zephon: Yes Spock...you do. I have...a crisis.
Magnus: CATPAIN KIRK ALWAYS HAVE PROBLEMS! KIRK IS LOSER!
Hask'ak'gik: Dat is logical.
(Zephon points at the toilet)
Zephon: What...is that...travesty!?
Magnus: WHY IT IS A TOILET CATPAIN KIRK!
Zephon: (looks towards the readers and romantic music starts playing) Yes but...do you have any...idea how emotional...this can be...to me?
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND HUMAN EMOTIONS! SPOCK UNDERSTANDS MEAT THOUGH!
Zephon: I mean...the toilet has now...been defiled from its purpose...as a private kingdom. This is...dramatic.
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T CARE, SPOCK WANTS MEAT!
Hash'ak'gik: No time for dat romanteec stuff now catpain, where are heading
towards a planet!
Zephon: What...is more...dramatic than a...defiled toilet?
Hash'ak'gik: We're heading towards Uranus.
Zephon: There are...Klingons at...Uranus!
Magnus: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
Zephon: What is...so funny?
Hask'ak'gik: Yeah, dis is serious!
Zephon: Scotty, set a...course for Uranus!
Magnus: SPOCK FEELS WEIRD SENSATION THAT YOU PRIMITVE HUMANS CALL HUMOR!
Hash'ak'gik: Be careful everyone, we're gonna have to go at da light speed to enter Uranus and when there we can wipe out da Klingons! Everyone ready?
Magnus: (snickers) AHEM, (snickers) SPOCK DOESN'T UNDERSTAND (snickers) THE CONCEPT OF HUMOR SO (snickers) SPOCK DOESN'T THINK THIS IS (snickers) FUNNY!
(so everyone buckled up and entered light-speed. When they were in Uranus, they unbuckled after decelerating but a certain other member wasn't buckled so when they went out of light-speed, a crewmember in a red shirt went flying past and landed in a stump grinder. Raziel and Mortanius enter)
Raziel: Doctor, is Dumah okay?
Mortanius: Damnit Jim, I'm an Organ Demonstrator, not a doctor!
Raziel: But is he dead?
Mortanius: He's dead Jim.
Raziel: (angst)
Mortanius: (mock angst)
Zephon: Crew, let's...venture out into...Uranus!
Magnus: SPOCK DOESN'T (now in fits of laughter) THINK THIS IS (fits of laughter) FUNNY. AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
((MortalSora of the Azure Sky: What dramatic events await our heroes? Find out in Part 2!))
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((The scene is some seemingly random place in Nosgoth. There are tremors in the ground and after a while two vampires dig out from under the ground, Kain and Melchiah. Melchiah is holding a map))
Kain: (looks around) Hey, wait a minute! This doesn't look like Albuquerque!
Melchiah: That's cause it's not.
Kain: I told you we should've token that left turn at Willendorf!
Melchiah: Then you use the map next time!
(Kain, Melchiah and the other lieutenants climb out of a hole in the ground and they look around. There are restaurants everywhere, all for spaghetti, and a huge tower)
Raziel: Where are we?
Zephon: Oh, spaghetti!
(then a Dumahim walks up. The vampire is wearing black and white stripped shirt, black pants, and a red barret)
Dumahim: Ohohohohoh, vwelcome! And vwhat have we here?
Rahab: Where are we?
Dumahim: French Nosgoth of course! (lots of accordion music can be heard in
the background, all off-beat)
Rahab: Um...
Dumahim: Vwait, are you a threat!?
Dumah Why do you want to know?
Dumahim: Because if you are a threat, we will either run or surrender immediately!
Kain: Why?
Dumahim: Cause it's French custom of course! A children's book haz more of a spine zen us!
Zephon: (nervous sweat drop) (sweat drops burn) AHHHHH, IT BURNS!!
Dumahim: A burn! Oh no!!
(then tons of French vampires hide)
French Rahabim: We surrender!
Kain: Oh G'damn it, it was just a tiny sweat drop!
(French Dumahim cautiously peeks his head around a bench)
Dumahim: You sure zat was all it was?
Kain: YES!
(the French vampires all come out of hiding)
Rahabim: You must forgive us, we are, as you people would say "wieners."
Kain: Yes, I can see that now. Listen, it's been a long journey, are there any humans we can eat?
Dumahim: Humans!? Pffft! In French Nosgoth we only eat frogs! Preferably with pumpernickel sauce!
Kain: My god...
Melchiah: How come we never take the correct turn at Willendorf?
Dumahim: Of course we have liquids to drink. Wine!
Zephon: You drink wine?
Dumahim: Ohohohohohoho, but of course we drink wine! What kind of French vampires would we be if we didn't drink wine?
Turel: I'm scared! Let's get out of this place!
Dumahim: No no no no no, don't go! We French vampires need your help!
Kain: Oh cripe! What is it?
Rahabim: It haz been really hot lately and many of our kind have been dying of heat stroke and we can't figure out why! Can you solve this mystery?
(Kain and the lieutenants could tell that it was really hot, 130 degrees to be exact, and then they found the source of the problem. In the 130 degree heat, all of the French vampires were wearing heavy wool costumed that thickly covered there entire body)
Dumah: (to Kain) Please, with vampires this stupid, can't we just let them burn to death?
Kain: Not just yet. Let's explore their houses.
Rahabim: Very good idea, maybe we vwill found the root of our problems there!
(so the Rahabim led Kain and the others to a modern French house. Inside of the house, the other French vampires that lived there wore triple thick cotton wool clothes and all there heaters were up to max, which was around 120 degrees)
Rahabim: So vwhy do you think we are dying of heat stroke!? I zink that I speak for all French vampires when I say that I am totally stumped!
Turel: (to Kain) Please, can't we let them die?
Kain: No.
(Kain and all the other vampires walked outside of the house)
Rahabim: So vwhat do vwe do to stop our dying of heat stroke!?
Raziel: (whispers to Melchiah) They could kill themselves.
Melchiah: Hehehehehe.
Kain: (to Rahabim) Have you heard of ICE or AIR CONDITIONERS?
Rahabim: Yes, vwhat's your point?
Kain: Just turn them on your freakin' morons!
Rahabim: Hazaa! You've saved us! We didn't think of zat!
Kain: (rolls eyes)
Dumahim: We are saved!
Zephon: Achoo! (Zephon sneezes)
Dumahim: (horrified look) Oh no, he has sneezed! He might have SARS! Run away!
Rahabim: We surrender without fighting!
(and then all of the French vampires hide and some surrender and beg Zephon's sneeze for mercy)
Dumah: On my god, let's get out of here!
(so they all go back into the hole from which they arrived in and dig some more)
Raziel: But you know Kain, I'm surprised you didn't just kill them. That's uncharacteristic of you.
Duamh: Yeah, why didn't you just kill them?
Kain: Just because they're sissy annoying French vampires doesn't mean there's nothing good about France.
Turel: What have the French done right?
Kain: French maids! ^__^
(they all silently nodded in agreement)
Raziel: (under his breath) No wonder vampires are all thought of as perverted.
(so then they dug back the way they came and once AGAIN took the wrong turn
at Willendorf)
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Yay, this chapter of skits has just been so fun to write. I actually laughed a lot while writing this, which is pretty rare for me. And as for my Blood Omen novelization, I am getting near the end of the Prologue. I'm at where Malek gets damned and I re-watched the beginnig cinema at least 8 times just to make sure I get the details of the four guardians down right, even the one that dies as soon as Vorador bursts in. And I've re-watched it at least 2 times just to see what the vampire that gets impaled at the very beginning looks like, so as you can see I'm taking this very seriously. Anyway, I just had to write this in the meantime, I couldn't let this idea stay buried. Well, hope you enjoyed and if so then review!