Disclaimer: I don't own LoK or its characters
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(And now, I present to you, a fireside interview in Vorador's Mansion with Vorador. The scene is two chairs in front of a fire, one with Vorador and the other with Dejoule)
Dejoule: Welcome fellow readers as we interview the man himself, Vorador. Vorador, how are you doing?
Vorador: Very well, if you know what I mean.
Dejoule: What?
Vorador: I know you just want my body, it's normal.
Dejoule: (glares) No! I'm here to interview you, ya green freak.
Vorador: Oh, interview me! (snaps his finger and winks an eye) Suuuuure, I understand what you mean! (perverted grin)
Dejoule: (rolls eyes) Okaaaay, first question: What do you like the most of all?
Vorador: Sex, if you know what I mean! (touches his nose)
Dejoule: I think we've all cracked your stupid little horny code Vorador.
Vorador: Sex is my code, if you know what I mean! Nudge nudge.
Dejoule: Okay, question number two: What's the thing you fear the most?
Vorador: Not having sex, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: (glares harder) Riiiiiiight. Question number three: When did you first notice you became a vampire?
Vorador: When I couldn't have sex normally, if you know what I mean! Nudge nudge.
Dejoule: Do I have to neuter you! Question number fourth: Has being famous changed your life any?
Vorador: No, but I get more sex, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: I'm gonna kill...gonna strangle...your neck in my hands...kill...(to herself) whew, just calm down. Okay, question number five: What was it like when you first drank blood...don't answer that!! I know what you're gonna say!!
Vorador: What?
Dejoule: You're gonna say 'The first time I drunk blood was like having sex, if you know what I mean!!'
Vorador: I am not!! I'm very insulted!!
Dejoule: (sigh) Okay, I'm sorry. What were you going to say?
Vorador: The first time I drank blood was like...SOMEONE having sex with ME, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: (evil twitch) Okay, question number six: If you could kill ANYONE, who would you kill? (suspicious stare)
Vorador: Shinji Mikami. He was that son of a bitch president at Capcom who royally sold out the PS2 and flamed Kingdom Hearts just because it sold better then his crappy Resident Evil remake on that other system.
Dejoule: Yeah, he sucks. Whew, a normal answer for once. Okay, question number seven: What's your favorite kind of wood paneling on a door?
Vorador: Hmmm, I would have to say Oaken wood paneling because it reminds me of this girl named Oaken who I had sex with, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: If you say anything about SEX one more time, you will have a very painful appointment with me and...(she takes out a pencil) this pencil!
Vorador: (buggy-eyed) Ga-goo!
Dejoule: Right. Now, question number eight: Who is your best friend in all of Nosgoth. And think wisely about what you SAY because remember the pencil.
Vorador: Um, er, uh, how do I put this? Ah, I know!
(Vorador slides a sheet of paper to Dejoule that has his answer on it. She picks up the paper and reads it aloud)
Dejoule: (reading the paper) "My best friend in the whole of Nosgoth is this little ditty called Sex, if you know what I mean." (glares at him)
Vorador: Hey, you only said if I SAY anything about sex. You never said anything about WRITING down an answer about sex.
Dejoule: That's it!! I'm outta here!
(Dejoule tries to leave but Kain enters and stops her)
Kain: Hey, wait a minute. What about the rest of the interview?
Dejoule: Ah, just go STUFF YOUR INTERVIEW!
(then Dejoule storms past him then leaves. Kain glares at Vorador)
Vorador: Hey, she said to stuff yourself! That means sex, if you know what I mean!
(several miles away, even all the way within the deepest pits of the Sarafan Stronghold, everyone could hear the agonizing screaming of a perverted green vampire)
Random Sarafan: (to Random Sarafan 2) Hey, did you hear that?
Random Sarafan 2: Yeah, it sounded like a green perverted vampire agonizingly screaming.
(see, I told ya)
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(the scene is the inside of a studio. Kain and Janos are sitting in chairs while looking professional at the same time)
Kain: Hello, I'm Kain!
Janos: And I'm Janos!
Kain: And welcome to our show! And in case you're wondering what we do on this show, we help addicts overcome their addictions!
Janos: That's right, we help those poor, stressed addicts overcome their terrible addictions and help create a better humanity!
Kain: Right! Actually, I'm the one who helps these poor addicts while Janos sits back and supervises.
Janos: That sure is swell!
Kain: Why do you talk like an early 60's sitcom character? Anyway, the first of the two addictions that will be covered in this show is Chocolate Addictions and then Drug Addictions!
Janos: And I understand that you have welcomed in a crowd of Chocolate Addicts to help them overcome their addictions and to encourage them.
Kain: Right I have! Let's let them in!
(then 68 vampires enter the studio and sit in the bleachers that's facing Kain and Janos. All of these vampires are addicted to Chocolate)
Kain: Now, I understand that all of you vampires are severely addicted to chocolate at a life-threatening rate, am I correct?
Audience: Yes!!
Janos: Well you lucky devils, you've come to the right place. Kain is here to help you and encourage you all!
(just then a stagehand comes in and hands Kain a gigantic Hershey bar that goes from his foot to his knee)
Kain: Wow, the chocolate bar that's said to be tastier than anything in the world has arrived! Thank you!
(Kain, in front of all of these severe Chocolate Addicts, then unwraps the HUGE chocolate bar and starts eating)
Janos: (horrified look)
Kain: (while eating the chocolate) Now, I understand this may be tough for you...DAMN, THIS IS GOOD CHOCOLATE! YUM!!
Janos: (nervous sweat drop)
Kain: As I was saying, I know this--(bites chocolate)-man, this is the greatest tasting stuff ever!-I know that this must be tough for you all, resisting chocolate and all-(bites again)-wow, this is awesome, you people don't know what you're missing!
(the audience starts developing a nervous twitch)
Kain: As I was saying, (Kain takes a huge bite and has his mouth full of chocolate) it muff be tuff to keep your hands afay from fhocolate and I'm fery fery proud of you all.
(the audience really starts to twitch badly)
Kain: (bites into the chocolate) But anyway, you deserve-man, this chocolate is so good! It's so good I may have to start rubbing chocolate on myself!-you deserve a metal for resisting this chocolaty, sugary goodness.
Janos: Um...
Audience: (evil twitch)
Kain: I could never resist chocolate like you recovering Chocolate Addicts do because-hold on a second.
(Kain leaves right quick but then comes back with chocolate syrup, which he
pours all over him)
Kain: Oh yeah, it's like a chocolate bath! (turns to audience) I really must applaud you people for getting over your chocolate craving addiction because it must be tough for you-oh yes, all this chocolate! Better than sex, that's how good this chocolate is, oh yeah-ahem, I am really proud of you.
(Kain then pours chocolate syrup over the Hershey's bar and starts eating it)
Kain: Mmmmm-mmmmmm!
Random Audience Mmeber: (evil twitch) Let's GET HIM!!
All The Other Audience Members: YEAH!
(Janos quickly crawls away and the Audience Members all beat up on Kain who
was still eating chocolate right in front of the Recovering Chocolate Addicts that make up the audience)
MortalSora of the Azure Sky: Forgive us, the Kain and Janos Addicts Show is
experiencing some technical difficulties. Wait a minute, we're back on.
(the scene is Janos and Kain. Kain has a black eye, broken nose, busted lip, and has had his left appendix torn out, yet he still has a smile on his face. The Recovering Chocolate Addicts are now Chocolate Addicts again cause of Kain and they have all left)
Janos: (sternly) Well Kain, was it worth it?
Kain: Yep! Besides, what do I need an appendix for?
Janos: Well, that's all for this edition of-
Kain: Wait a minute! We've still got another set of Recovering Addicts to help their recovery process with!
Janos: (skeptical) Okaaaaay.
Kain: I've got to help Recovering Drug Addicts overcome their drug cravings.
Janos: And what special thing have you done for these people?
(Kain presents to Janos a sandbox filled with white powder)
Janos: (outraged) YOU MADE A SANDBOX FULL OF KILO FOR THEM!!?
Kain: Of course not! It's really just baking powder, but they're druggies, they won't know the difference.
Janos: You are a sick, twisted, cruel bastard, you know that?!
Kain: (smug look) Yep. ^__^
(Janos gets up and heads to the exit of the studio)
Kain: Where you going?
Janos: I'm NOT gonna get killed in the crossfire!
Kain: Suit yourself.
(so Janos left and the Recovering Drug Addicts came in and let's just say that by the end of the day Kain had 1 liver less than when he started the day)
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I love Kain, he's just so cruel! Well, hope you liked this chapter of skits and don't forget to review!
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(And now, I present to you, a fireside interview in Vorador's Mansion with Vorador. The scene is two chairs in front of a fire, one with Vorador and the other with Dejoule)
Dejoule: Welcome fellow readers as we interview the man himself, Vorador. Vorador, how are you doing?
Vorador: Very well, if you know what I mean.
Dejoule: What?
Vorador: I know you just want my body, it's normal.
Dejoule: (glares) No! I'm here to interview you, ya green freak.
Vorador: Oh, interview me! (snaps his finger and winks an eye) Suuuuure, I understand what you mean! (perverted grin)
Dejoule: (rolls eyes) Okaaaay, first question: What do you like the most of all?
Vorador: Sex, if you know what I mean! (touches his nose)
Dejoule: I think we've all cracked your stupid little horny code Vorador.
Vorador: Sex is my code, if you know what I mean! Nudge nudge.
Dejoule: Okay, question number two: What's the thing you fear the most?
Vorador: Not having sex, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: (glares harder) Riiiiiiight. Question number three: When did you first notice you became a vampire?
Vorador: When I couldn't have sex normally, if you know what I mean! Nudge nudge.
Dejoule: Do I have to neuter you! Question number fourth: Has being famous changed your life any?
Vorador: No, but I get more sex, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: I'm gonna kill...gonna strangle...your neck in my hands...kill...(to herself) whew, just calm down. Okay, question number five: What was it like when you first drank blood...don't answer that!! I know what you're gonna say!!
Vorador: What?
Dejoule: You're gonna say 'The first time I drunk blood was like having sex, if you know what I mean!!'
Vorador: I am not!! I'm very insulted!!
Dejoule: (sigh) Okay, I'm sorry. What were you going to say?
Vorador: The first time I drank blood was like...SOMEONE having sex with ME, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: (evil twitch) Okay, question number six: If you could kill ANYONE, who would you kill? (suspicious stare)
Vorador: Shinji Mikami. He was that son of a bitch president at Capcom who royally sold out the PS2 and flamed Kingdom Hearts just because it sold better then his crappy Resident Evil remake on that other system.
Dejoule: Yeah, he sucks. Whew, a normal answer for once. Okay, question number seven: What's your favorite kind of wood paneling on a door?
Vorador: Hmmm, I would have to say Oaken wood paneling because it reminds me of this girl named Oaken who I had sex with, if you know what I mean!
Dejoule: If you say anything about SEX one more time, you will have a very painful appointment with me and...(she takes out a pencil) this pencil!
Vorador: (buggy-eyed) Ga-goo!
Dejoule: Right. Now, question number eight: Who is your best friend in all of Nosgoth. And think wisely about what you SAY because remember the pencil.
Vorador: Um, er, uh, how do I put this? Ah, I know!
(Vorador slides a sheet of paper to Dejoule that has his answer on it. She picks up the paper and reads it aloud)
Dejoule: (reading the paper) "My best friend in the whole of Nosgoth is this little ditty called Sex, if you know what I mean." (glares at him)
Vorador: Hey, you only said if I SAY anything about sex. You never said anything about WRITING down an answer about sex.
Dejoule: That's it!! I'm outta here!
(Dejoule tries to leave but Kain enters and stops her)
Kain: Hey, wait a minute. What about the rest of the interview?
Dejoule: Ah, just go STUFF YOUR INTERVIEW!
(then Dejoule storms past him then leaves. Kain glares at Vorador)
Vorador: Hey, she said to stuff yourself! That means sex, if you know what I mean!
(several miles away, even all the way within the deepest pits of the Sarafan Stronghold, everyone could hear the agonizing screaming of a perverted green vampire)
Random Sarafan: (to Random Sarafan 2) Hey, did you hear that?
Random Sarafan 2: Yeah, it sounded like a green perverted vampire agonizingly screaming.
(see, I told ya)
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(the scene is the inside of a studio. Kain and Janos are sitting in chairs while looking professional at the same time)
Kain: Hello, I'm Kain!
Janos: And I'm Janos!
Kain: And welcome to our show! And in case you're wondering what we do on this show, we help addicts overcome their addictions!
Janos: That's right, we help those poor, stressed addicts overcome their terrible addictions and help create a better humanity!
Kain: Right! Actually, I'm the one who helps these poor addicts while Janos sits back and supervises.
Janos: That sure is swell!
Kain: Why do you talk like an early 60's sitcom character? Anyway, the first of the two addictions that will be covered in this show is Chocolate Addictions and then Drug Addictions!
Janos: And I understand that you have welcomed in a crowd of Chocolate Addicts to help them overcome their addictions and to encourage them.
Kain: Right I have! Let's let them in!
(then 68 vampires enter the studio and sit in the bleachers that's facing Kain and Janos. All of these vampires are addicted to Chocolate)
Kain: Now, I understand that all of you vampires are severely addicted to chocolate at a life-threatening rate, am I correct?
Audience: Yes!!
Janos: Well you lucky devils, you've come to the right place. Kain is here to help you and encourage you all!
(just then a stagehand comes in and hands Kain a gigantic Hershey bar that goes from his foot to his knee)
Kain: Wow, the chocolate bar that's said to be tastier than anything in the world has arrived! Thank you!
(Kain, in front of all of these severe Chocolate Addicts, then unwraps the HUGE chocolate bar and starts eating)
Janos: (horrified look)
Kain: (while eating the chocolate) Now, I understand this may be tough for you...DAMN, THIS IS GOOD CHOCOLATE! YUM!!
Janos: (nervous sweat drop)
Kain: As I was saying, I know this--(bites chocolate)-man, this is the greatest tasting stuff ever!-I know that this must be tough for you all, resisting chocolate and all-(bites again)-wow, this is awesome, you people don't know what you're missing!
(the audience starts developing a nervous twitch)
Kain: As I was saying, (Kain takes a huge bite and has his mouth full of chocolate) it muff be tuff to keep your hands afay from fhocolate and I'm fery fery proud of you all.
(the audience really starts to twitch badly)
Kain: (bites into the chocolate) But anyway, you deserve-man, this chocolate is so good! It's so good I may have to start rubbing chocolate on myself!-you deserve a metal for resisting this chocolaty, sugary goodness.
Janos: Um...
Audience: (evil twitch)
Kain: I could never resist chocolate like you recovering Chocolate Addicts do because-hold on a second.
(Kain leaves right quick but then comes back with chocolate syrup, which he
pours all over him)
Kain: Oh yeah, it's like a chocolate bath! (turns to audience) I really must applaud you people for getting over your chocolate craving addiction because it must be tough for you-oh yes, all this chocolate! Better than sex, that's how good this chocolate is, oh yeah-ahem, I am really proud of you.
(Kain then pours chocolate syrup over the Hershey's bar and starts eating it)
Kain: Mmmmm-mmmmmm!
Random Audience Mmeber: (evil twitch) Let's GET HIM!!
All The Other Audience Members: YEAH!
(Janos quickly crawls away and the Audience Members all beat up on Kain who
was still eating chocolate right in front of the Recovering Chocolate Addicts that make up the audience)
MortalSora of the Azure Sky: Forgive us, the Kain and Janos Addicts Show is
experiencing some technical difficulties. Wait a minute, we're back on.
(the scene is Janos and Kain. Kain has a black eye, broken nose, busted lip, and has had his left appendix torn out, yet he still has a smile on his face. The Recovering Chocolate Addicts are now Chocolate Addicts again cause of Kain and they have all left)
Janos: (sternly) Well Kain, was it worth it?
Kain: Yep! Besides, what do I need an appendix for?
Janos: Well, that's all for this edition of-
Kain: Wait a minute! We've still got another set of Recovering Addicts to help their recovery process with!
Janos: (skeptical) Okaaaaay.
Kain: I've got to help Recovering Drug Addicts overcome their drug cravings.
Janos: And what special thing have you done for these people?
(Kain presents to Janos a sandbox filled with white powder)
Janos: (outraged) YOU MADE A SANDBOX FULL OF KILO FOR THEM!!?
Kain: Of course not! It's really just baking powder, but they're druggies, they won't know the difference.
Janos: You are a sick, twisted, cruel bastard, you know that?!
Kain: (smug look) Yep. ^__^
(Janos gets up and heads to the exit of the studio)
Kain: Where you going?
Janos: I'm NOT gonna get killed in the crossfire!
Kain: Suit yourself.
(so Janos left and the Recovering Drug Addicts came in and let's just say that by the end of the day Kain had 1 liver less than when he started the day)
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I love Kain, he's just so cruel! Well, hope you liked this chapter of skits and don't forget to review!