Disclaimer: It's the same freakin' story every time, in other words I don't
own LoK or its characters
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(The scene is a Wal-Mart UberCenter and the scene's actually outside of the doors into the place. Zephon is standing next to all of the arcade games and is nervous)
Zephon: (nervously tapping his left foot) Where is he? He should be here by
now!
(just then Kain arrived)
Kain: What is so important that you had to call me away from cattle- tipping!?
Zephon: Just look.
(Zephon points to one of those toy machines that you use a claw to pull a toy out of. Well, somehow Melchiah has got himself stuck inside of it)
Kain: Holy Underwear!!
Zephon: Heh heh.
Kain: Now how in the hole of hell did he do that!?
Zephon: I don't know.
Melchiah: Can you get me out?
Zephon: But how!?
Kain: (grins)
(a few minutes later, Zephon is giving Kain quarters and Kain has managed to get Melchiah left arm and right leg. A crowd has formed)
Baby Dumahim: (pointing to one of Melchiah's limbs) I want that toy mommy!
Kain: Okay, let's see what I can get this time.
(the claw in the machine latches onto Melchiah's right arm. The claw rips it off and if falls through the slit)
Melchiah: Hey, ow!
Zephon: (retrieves the arm) Woo-hoo! I've got another Melchiah part! And when we get his last leg, his head, and his torso I'll be able to put together my very own Metal Gear Melchiah!
Kain: Another quarter?
(Zephon gives Kain another quarter and Kain retrieves Melchiah's left leg. It falls through the slit)
Zephon: Yay, another leg! Now we have one leg!
Kain: What do you mean 'one leg?' What about his right leg!?
Zephon: Oh, I gave it to Church's Chicken cause they thought it was a chicken leg.
Kain: (glares) Another quarter idiot.
Zephon: Uh-oh!
Kain: What?
Zephon: I've ran out of quarters!
Kain: Awww, and we were so close, too! Oh well, let's leave.
Zephon: Okay.
(then they left and Melchiah was yelling at them)
Melchiah: Hey, get me out of here!! Once I escape I'll bite your kneecaps off!
Baby vampire named AquaSword: Mommy, can I get the toy's head?
(and so AquaSword nabbed Melchiah's head and left and it would take months till Kain found all of Melchiah's bits but during all this time everyone wondered how the hell did Melchiah get stuck inside the machine in the first place)
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(the scene is Kain's living room. Kain is watching TV but then a commercial
comes on and Faustus is on it)
Faustus (on TV): ...and we shall return to the show :That's My Taxidermy" right after this commercial.
(Faustus is holding up some GatorAde and pouring it on him)
Faustus: Yummy-yum-yum! And remember everyone: "Blood sucks, GatorAde's better!"
(then the commercial ended. The scene is now much later on and Kain is lying in bed. We now see his dream. Kain is standing in front of his lieutenants)
Kain: Hello my fellow lieutenants. I now have something to tell you.
Raziel: Can I say something right quick?
Kain: Sure.
(then this weird noise is made and Raziel's head morphs into Faustus' head)
Faustus head: Blood sucks, GatorAde's better! GatorAde isn't just healthier but it tastes better too.
Kain: (almost in tears) No, you're slurping the wrong liquid from humans!
Faustus' head: GatorAde.
Kain: (really upset and shaking his head) Blood!
Faustus' head: GatorAaaaaaaade.
Kain: (upset) Blood!
(then the rest of the lieutenants' heads turn into Faustus' head and they sing in unison)
Faustus heads: Blooo-oood sucks, it really really sucks!
Blooo-oood sucks, it really really sucks! It sucks! It sucks!
(then Kain wakes up from his nightmare screaming and punches Raziel who came to check on him. Kain then feels better and goes back to bed)
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(the scene is now the Pillars. Kain walks out onto the Pillars but then notices there's something wrong with himself. Not only is Kain very small but he also has on and tiny red shirt and tiny red pants. He has white balls for hands and stick-figure feet. But his head and ears are enormous and he has pale skin again)
Kain: (looks at himself) AHHHHHHHH!!
(Kain closes his eyes then opens them again)
Kain: AHHHHHH!! I look like a freakin' cartoon!!
(then Raziel walks up to Kain. Raziel also looks like a cartoon. Raziel sees Kain and tries his best to hold back fits of laughter)
Kain: WHAT THE HELLHOLE IS WRONG WITH ME!!?
Raziel: You're fat and stupid?
Kain: I don't mean that...I MEAN WHY THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE A CARTOON!?
Raziel: (can't hold laughter anymore) Ahahahahahhaha! Oh, that's my fault, I couldn't help it!
Kain: What the CRAP DO YOU MEAN!!
Raziel: I put in the Cartoon Cheat! I just had to do it so I could see you like this! Ahahahaha!
Kain: WHAT!? I'm going to KICK YOUR ASS!
Raziel: Watch out, your giant head may weigh you down! Ahahahaha!
Kain: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!?
Raziel: You know, normally I'd be afraid of you and respect you but now...you're just so cuuute! You're so kawaii!
Kain: Yaaah!
(then Kain reaches for the Reaver but when he pulls it out, the Reaver blade is now a wooden tube)
Kain: (shrieks like he's castrated)
Raziel: (sees the wooden tube) AHAHAHAHAHA!
(Raziel is now on the ground rolling around in fits of laughter)
Kain: First I'm a gay looking cartoon, but WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENED TO ME REAVER!!
Raziel: I used the Tube Reaver Cheat! Now your Reaver blade is the Tube Reaver! Ahahaha!
Kain: (mad twitch) I'm GONNA KILL YOU!!
Raziel: Hahahaha! I really should be scared of you but you're just to kawaii! Hehehehe, and what're you gonna do, beat me with your Tube weapon? Hahahaha!
Kain: Fear the Tube!
(and so Kain was beating Raziel with the Tube Reaver but Raziel was laughing too hard at the cartoon-looking Kain with a Tube Reaver to notice the he was getting hit. Kain got mad and just stormed off and Raziel laughed himself to death)
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Hehe, you know the best part about that last sketch? Those are real cheat codes for Defiance! (Don't worry those of you who don't have Defiance yet, those codes weren't spoilers) I just don't see why the game comes out later in some countries, it isn't fair. Anyway, for those of you that have Defiance and for those of you who will get Defiance, to do the code where Kain looks like a weird cartoon, pause the game and input Up, Down, Up, Down, R1, R2, Down, Circle, Triangle. And to get the Tube Reaver pause the game and input Up, Down, Left, Right, R2, L2, Triangle, Down, Circle. Well, review if you liked! Oh, and I hope AquaSword didn't mind me using her as a vampire.
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(The scene is a Wal-Mart UberCenter and the scene's actually outside of the doors into the place. Zephon is standing next to all of the arcade games and is nervous)
Zephon: (nervously tapping his left foot) Where is he? He should be here by
now!
(just then Kain arrived)
Kain: What is so important that you had to call me away from cattle- tipping!?
Zephon: Just look.
(Zephon points to one of those toy machines that you use a claw to pull a toy out of. Well, somehow Melchiah has got himself stuck inside of it)
Kain: Holy Underwear!!
Zephon: Heh heh.
Kain: Now how in the hole of hell did he do that!?
Zephon: I don't know.
Melchiah: Can you get me out?
Zephon: But how!?
Kain: (grins)
(a few minutes later, Zephon is giving Kain quarters and Kain has managed to get Melchiah left arm and right leg. A crowd has formed)
Baby Dumahim: (pointing to one of Melchiah's limbs) I want that toy mommy!
Kain: Okay, let's see what I can get this time.
(the claw in the machine latches onto Melchiah's right arm. The claw rips it off and if falls through the slit)
Melchiah: Hey, ow!
Zephon: (retrieves the arm) Woo-hoo! I've got another Melchiah part! And when we get his last leg, his head, and his torso I'll be able to put together my very own Metal Gear Melchiah!
Kain: Another quarter?
(Zephon gives Kain another quarter and Kain retrieves Melchiah's left leg. It falls through the slit)
Zephon: Yay, another leg! Now we have one leg!
Kain: What do you mean 'one leg?' What about his right leg!?
Zephon: Oh, I gave it to Church's Chicken cause they thought it was a chicken leg.
Kain: (glares) Another quarter idiot.
Zephon: Uh-oh!
Kain: What?
Zephon: I've ran out of quarters!
Kain: Awww, and we were so close, too! Oh well, let's leave.
Zephon: Okay.
(then they left and Melchiah was yelling at them)
Melchiah: Hey, get me out of here!! Once I escape I'll bite your kneecaps off!
Baby vampire named AquaSword: Mommy, can I get the toy's head?
(and so AquaSword nabbed Melchiah's head and left and it would take months till Kain found all of Melchiah's bits but during all this time everyone wondered how the hell did Melchiah get stuck inside the machine in the first place)
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(the scene is Kain's living room. Kain is watching TV but then a commercial
comes on and Faustus is on it)
Faustus (on TV): ...and we shall return to the show :That's My Taxidermy" right after this commercial.
(Faustus is holding up some GatorAde and pouring it on him)
Faustus: Yummy-yum-yum! And remember everyone: "Blood sucks, GatorAde's better!"
(then the commercial ended. The scene is now much later on and Kain is lying in bed. We now see his dream. Kain is standing in front of his lieutenants)
Kain: Hello my fellow lieutenants. I now have something to tell you.
Raziel: Can I say something right quick?
Kain: Sure.
(then this weird noise is made and Raziel's head morphs into Faustus' head)
Faustus head: Blood sucks, GatorAde's better! GatorAde isn't just healthier but it tastes better too.
Kain: (almost in tears) No, you're slurping the wrong liquid from humans!
Faustus' head: GatorAde.
Kain: (really upset and shaking his head) Blood!
Faustus' head: GatorAaaaaaaade.
Kain: (upset) Blood!
(then the rest of the lieutenants' heads turn into Faustus' head and they sing in unison)
Faustus heads: Blooo-oood sucks, it really really sucks!
Blooo-oood sucks, it really really sucks! It sucks! It sucks!
(then Kain wakes up from his nightmare screaming and punches Raziel who came to check on him. Kain then feels better and goes back to bed)
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(the scene is now the Pillars. Kain walks out onto the Pillars but then notices there's something wrong with himself. Not only is Kain very small but he also has on and tiny red shirt and tiny red pants. He has white balls for hands and stick-figure feet. But his head and ears are enormous and he has pale skin again)
Kain: (looks at himself) AHHHHHHHH!!
(Kain closes his eyes then opens them again)
Kain: AHHHHHH!! I look like a freakin' cartoon!!
(then Raziel walks up to Kain. Raziel also looks like a cartoon. Raziel sees Kain and tries his best to hold back fits of laughter)
Kain: WHAT THE HELLHOLE IS WRONG WITH ME!!?
Raziel: You're fat and stupid?
Kain: I don't mean that...I MEAN WHY THE HELL DO I LOOK LIKE A CARTOON!?
Raziel: (can't hold laughter anymore) Ahahahahahhaha! Oh, that's my fault, I couldn't help it!
Kain: What the CRAP DO YOU MEAN!!
Raziel: I put in the Cartoon Cheat! I just had to do it so I could see you like this! Ahahahaha!
Kain: WHAT!? I'm going to KICK YOUR ASS!
Raziel: Watch out, your giant head may weigh you down! Ahahahaha!
Kain: I'M GONNA KILL YOU!?
Raziel: You know, normally I'd be afraid of you and respect you but now...you're just so cuuute! You're so kawaii!
Kain: Yaaah!
(then Kain reaches for the Reaver but when he pulls it out, the Reaver blade is now a wooden tube)
Kain: (shrieks like he's castrated)
Raziel: (sees the wooden tube) AHAHAHAHAHA!
(Raziel is now on the ground rolling around in fits of laughter)
Kain: First I'm a gay looking cartoon, but WHAT THE HELL'S HAPPENED TO ME REAVER!!
Raziel: I used the Tube Reaver Cheat! Now your Reaver blade is the Tube Reaver! Ahahaha!
Kain: (mad twitch) I'm GONNA KILL YOU!!
Raziel: Hahahaha! I really should be scared of you but you're just to kawaii! Hehehehe, and what're you gonna do, beat me with your Tube weapon? Hahahaha!
Kain: Fear the Tube!
(and so Kain was beating Raziel with the Tube Reaver but Raziel was laughing too hard at the cartoon-looking Kain with a Tube Reaver to notice the he was getting hit. Kain got mad and just stormed off and Raziel laughed himself to death)
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Hehe, you know the best part about that last sketch? Those are real cheat codes for Defiance! (Don't worry those of you who don't have Defiance yet, those codes weren't spoilers) I just don't see why the game comes out later in some countries, it isn't fair. Anyway, for those of you that have Defiance and for those of you who will get Defiance, to do the code where Kain looks like a weird cartoon, pause the game and input Up, Down, Up, Down, R1, R2, Down, Circle, Triangle. And to get the Tube Reaver pause the game and input Up, Down, Left, Right, R2, L2, Triangle, Down, Circle. Well, review if you liked! Oh, and I hope AquaSword didn't mind me using her as a vampire.