Raziel: Da da da da da da, it's the Razzy show, starring me, I'm Raz! It's the Razzy show and the author doesn't own crap, da da da da da da!
MortalSora: That was quite inventive.
Raziel: Thank you.
(just to bring you up to speed, Raziel has just lured Melchiah...)
Kain V.O.: Who looks like a slobbering bulldog.
(Hey! Don't you say th-you know, you're right. Anyway, Raziel just led Melchiah into his pin that had the spikes above it...)
Kain V.O.: A bit of a stupid purchase if you think about it. I mean, what the hell would he do with a rotating spike thingy above his pin?
Melchiah: Ah, I've eaten many a delicious Jehova's Vampires with that thing.
(Hey, you're supposed to be dead! Anyway, Raziel has just killed him and eaten his soul)
Elder God: Raziel, by inheriting Melchiah's soul you can now shift through barriers—
Raziel: Wow, neat!
Elder God: Wait, Raziel!
(then, in a fever of excitement, Raziel went charging headfirst into Melchiah's cage thing. A loud, hollow bonk was heard throughout Nosgoth)
Elder God: You idiot! You gotta be in Spectral first!
Raziel: (in whinny voice) You could've told me that before!
(well, it turns out Raziel got his head stuck in between two of the bars. He figured this out when he tried to remove his head)
Raziel: Uh-oh.
Elder God: What's wrong?
Raziel: My head's stuck!
Elder God: Huh?
Raziel: My head is stuck!
Elder God: What?
Raziel: My head's stuck!!
Elder God: Your head's stuck?
Raziel: Yes, my head is stuck!! Stuck is my head, my stuck head is!! IS.HEAD.STUCK.MY! Which one of those words don't you understand!?
Elder God: Um.........I understand all of those words.
Raziel: Then you see that there's a PROBLEM! You ignoramus!
Elder God: Don't worry. I'll help.
(then Kain teleports in, walks over to the cage, and then eloquently chooses the next words he'll say:)
Kain: Razzmatazz, what the hell are you doing?
Elder God: Apparently he was pogo-sticking blindly across the room when he got stuck.
Kain: Ooh, I know how to unstuck a head! I'll be right back!
(then Kain teleported away)
Raziel: I'm really beginning to hate my unlife.
Elder God: Don't worry, I'm sure Kain knows what he's doing.
(Kain teleports back in and he's carrying a bag)
Kain: Aha! I got you some stuff to unstuck you with!
Raziel: Great! What'd you get?
Kain: (pulls something out of bag) A screwdriver!
Raziel: What for!?
Kain: I don't know. To screw drive things?
(Kain starts trying to screw drive to bars but nothing happens)
Raziel: (irritated) What else did you bring?
Kain: Glue!
Raziel: What-!?
Kain: (takes out a pencil sharpener) A pencil sharpener?
Raziel: Gee, what a BAD IDEA!
Kain: (takes something else out) I got you some trousers!
Raziel: Trousers!? Why?
Kain I don't know, so you can put them on? I can never get these trousers things to work right. Maybe I'm putting them in the wrong arm or—
Raziel: WILL YOU SHUT THE CRAP UP AND HELP MEEEEEEE?
Kain: I know what will unstuck your head!
(Kain pulls out motor oil and rubs it on Raziel's face)
Raziel: Motor oil? I don't have engine troubles!
Kain: Kain Kick!
(so Kain took a running leap at Raziel. Unfortunately, due to kain's very poor aiming, Kain landed right beside Raziel headfirst and now had his head stuck in the opposite side of the fence)
Raziel: (clearly unhappy) .........
Kain: .........
Raziel: .........
Kain: .........dahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!
Raziel: (fuming) What is so funny?
Kain: Ehehehehehe! Ain't it ironic!? You got your head stuck and I came all the way out here to help unstuck your head, and MY head ends up getting stuck too! Gahahahaha, you gotta admit, this is classic!
(a look of intense anger flooded Raziel's face as his moronic dad kept laughing. Soon though, Kain begun to understand the situation)
Kain: Good feelings gone. Waaaaaaah!
(then a light bulb comes on over Kain's head)
Kain: Wait a minute! My belly button's an out-y!
Raziel: ?
Kain: I can use my out-y belly button to tie a knot around the bars and bend them!
(then Raziel proceeded to bash the sides of his head against the bars hoping to be knocked out unconscious. The Elder God just proceeded to look smug knowing that by the time Raziel realized all he had to do is shift realms to escape, he'd be so embarrassed that he'd curse the Elder out. And what is sweeter than that?)
Mortanius' Voice: This week on the Oxymoron channel, make sure not to miss the next exciting episode of "Kaina: Warrior Princess!"
Opening credits for Kaina: Warrior Princess starts. Some really bad music as played as we see Kain put on pantyhosii (plural of pantyhose). Then Kain puts on some cleavage revealing armor, despite Kain having hardly any bust at all. Then the credits move up to Kain.
Mortanius' Voice: Kaina is played by the actor Kain!
Then the credits zoom to Dumah, whose disturbingly enough in a skirt and what can best be described at a medieval tank top that reveals his bust also, but I won't give details on that.
Mortanius' Voice: Kaina's sidekick Gabrielle is played by the semi-actor semi-moron Dumah!
Then the credits show clips from the show, like when Kaina ran around fighting zombies who have the fastest feet in the world, the body of Hercules, and a certain horse part. Then we see Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) running around fighting off the "Holy Spider Beast of Spinziar" and we see Kaina obtaining the "Dark Shield of Lucifari" and we see Kaina wielding the "Mongoloid Sword of Xanthia" and other weirdly named objects while we see Gabrielle (Dumah) just running around and jumping up and down.
Mortanius' Voice: Tonight espisode: "Michael Row Your Boat-a-DIE!!" in which Kaina Warrior Princess must acquire the "Sacred Shield of Herpes" and Gabrielle (Dumah) must rescue the Princess of Gorbilla from a fatal sacrafice!
The scene fades out and then fades in to reveal Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) talking to an old guy, probably someone with a clue!
Mortanius' Voice: We join our story already in progress.
Kaina peers into the old man's eyes and makes sure to bend towards him. Gabrielle (Dumah) is just sitting back playing with her hair.
Kaina: Old man, I must know, what is your name?
Old Man: My name is Ack'Aghhhhh'Khackkk'Khackkki'Ackkkkhi'Khahh.
Kaina: .........
Ack (for short): I am the Holy Keeper of the Shrizack Armor. I was told by my mentor that I would be visited by you.
Kaina: Who was your mentor?
Ack: His name was Aaaaayaaaah'Khaaaa'Kkkkkkkkyac'Hashakhaaaa'Khaaaha. He was the former Wielder of Shrizack Armor.
Kaina looks over to Gabrielle (Dumah) with a look of excitement in her eyes. Somehow Kaina found this little talk to be exciting.
Kaina: Gabrielle (Dumah), this old man named Ack knows where we can find the prophesized "Sacred Shield of Herpes!"
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!
Ack: Um, Kaina, the 'H' in the Shield of Herpes is silent.
Kaina: Come old man, where shall I find this shield?
Ack: I'm not old, I'm just 97! To claim the Shield of Herpes, you must climb the Mountain of Bristole, cross the dangerous Rickety Bridge of Unhopefulness, then you must ride the perilous Boat of Slipperyness, then you will arrive at the Cave of Morgolius, where you must defeat the bearer of the shield, King BigMcLargeHuge!
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!
Kaina: Come Gabrielle (Dumah), we must away!
Then Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) run away. Then, just for a crappy plot twist, BigMcLargeHuge appears behind Ack and then slays him! As Ack screamed in pain, Kaina just thought Ack was calling out his name so she didn't know he was actually dying. So Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) climbed the Mountain of Bristole.........but not al was as it seemed!
Kaina: (huff) (huff) Pantyhose are itchy.........
Gabrielle (Dumah): Wait Kaina! Listen. Do you hear that?
It turns out that the busty sidekick was right as someone was following them! But who could it be?
Kaina: By the name of Kaina Warrior Princess, show yourself fiend!
It turned out that the Asain fighter, Mister Lao was who was stalking them! Mister Lao whipped out the two Swords of Xanthion!
Kaina: Oh, it's the Swords of Xanthion!
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!
Kaina: Come now Gabrielle (Dumah), let us fight him!
Mister Lao: Ah hah! You cannot defeat me, you shall become part of the circus of Mister Lao!
Then, to try and look cool, Kaina also whipped out her sword, the Mongoloid Sword of Xanthia, and wielding the Dark Shield of Lucifari. Gabrielle (Dumah) whipped out a lead pipe. Kaina motioned for Gabrielle (Dumah) to follow her and she let out her famous war cry.
Kaina: Lalalalalalala!
Then when Kaina lunged at Mister Lao, he flew up into the air thanks to his trusty "Prop Strings of Aries"!
Mister Lao: Swing me that way Trusty Strings!
And then every time Kaina struck at Mister Lao, his Trusty Strings flew him the other way! Oh no, what can she do!?
Kaina: I must find some way to defeat him!
Kaina turned to Gabrielle, who was just sitting there watching.
Kaina: Well, aren't you go do something!?
Gabrielle (Dumah): Um.........do you see my breasts?
Kaina: Stupid sidekick!
Mortanius' Voice: On no! What's gonna happen? What will Kaina do? Will she ever claim the Sacred Shield of Herpes? Find out in "Kaina: Warrior Princess" episode "Michael Row Your Boat-a-DIE!! Part 2!"
Well, unlike the Star Trek spoof, I'll probably continue this one. Anyway, sorry for the LOOOOOONG lapse in updates, it's just for months I ran completely out of ideas, but then, all of a sudden, I get dozens of them at once! Hopefully I can update soon! I felt really good about this chapter, especially the Xena parody. Onto the review responds!
Concept of a Demon: Yep, that's Dumah for you, a sick weirdo. He's pretty dumb too, who just stands in a furnace?
AquaSword: You know, Marcus is also a door-to-door salesman, and he just doesn't stop till he's sold some junk. As for Dumah, well, he's been hangin' around Kain too long (Kain's really accident-prone so Dumah hears Kain cussing a lot. I didn't even know there is a cussword that begins with zon-)
HealerAriel: Yes, I believe I am a sir. At least, that's what the insane voices in my head tell me. C'mon you are famous! You admire my work? Wow, thanks! It's good to have fans and banana pudding will likely return!
ShadesOfBlood: Hey, it's a miracle, I finally wrote more!
Marina's Myst: Hey, don't worry, you'll be hosing Nosgothic Chatterbox whenever I write that. Insult you? Never! You're one of my best friends! I think that Vonnis and Vorador would get along VERY well! (reason I'm only responding to this one is cause it's the latest chapter review)
Omega XSabre: Don't worry, you don't annoy me! I live in Alabama (USA), where it's always hot as hell. Don't worry, if I ever need Kain beaten I'll invite you!
Lovecraft151: Hey, of you want you can be in a future chapter. Hope you continue to enjoy these 'skits.'
Before I go, I wonder why in shows like Xena they have such weird names for things? Guess it's like what Joel from MST3000 said once: 'They give ordinary, every-day items big names to make them sound cool!' And here's one last little skit to leave with. See ya!
Faustus: Help me, I need a friendly stripper for my party, the kind of stripper that people of all ages can enjoy!
Announcer (Elder): Well, if you've ever needed a friendly stripper, your prayers are answered. Introducing Moebius the Friendly Stripper! Invite Moebius to your party and it'll be a party they'll never forget! Let's talk to some satisfied customers!
Faustus: I invited Moebius the Friendly Stripper to my party and then the party was sooooo super! Thanks Moebius!
Ariel: I invited Moebius the Friendly Stripper to my bachelor's party and now I NEVER have trouble throwing up! Thanks Moebius!
Elder: So, if you ever want to have Moebius show up at your party, call 1- 800-MOEBIUS-STRIP. That's 1-800-MOEBIUS-STRIP! Call today!
MortalSora: That was quite inventive.
Raziel: Thank you.
(just to bring you up to speed, Raziel has just lured Melchiah...)
Kain V.O.: Who looks like a slobbering bulldog.
(Hey! Don't you say th-you know, you're right. Anyway, Raziel just led Melchiah into his pin that had the spikes above it...)
Kain V.O.: A bit of a stupid purchase if you think about it. I mean, what the hell would he do with a rotating spike thingy above his pin?
Melchiah: Ah, I've eaten many a delicious Jehova's Vampires with that thing.
(Hey, you're supposed to be dead! Anyway, Raziel has just killed him and eaten his soul)
Elder God: Raziel, by inheriting Melchiah's soul you can now shift through barriers—
Raziel: Wow, neat!
Elder God: Wait, Raziel!
(then, in a fever of excitement, Raziel went charging headfirst into Melchiah's cage thing. A loud, hollow bonk was heard throughout Nosgoth)
Elder God: You idiot! You gotta be in Spectral first!
Raziel: (in whinny voice) You could've told me that before!
(well, it turns out Raziel got his head stuck in between two of the bars. He figured this out when he tried to remove his head)
Raziel: Uh-oh.
Elder God: What's wrong?
Raziel: My head's stuck!
Elder God: Huh?
Raziel: My head is stuck!
Elder God: What?
Raziel: My head's stuck!!
Elder God: Your head's stuck?
Raziel: Yes, my head is stuck!! Stuck is my head, my stuck head is!! IS.HEAD.STUCK.MY! Which one of those words don't you understand!?
Elder God: Um.........I understand all of those words.
Raziel: Then you see that there's a PROBLEM! You ignoramus!
Elder God: Don't worry. I'll help.
(then Kain teleports in, walks over to the cage, and then eloquently chooses the next words he'll say:)
Kain: Razzmatazz, what the hell are you doing?
Elder God: Apparently he was pogo-sticking blindly across the room when he got stuck.
Kain: Ooh, I know how to unstuck a head! I'll be right back!
(then Kain teleported away)
Raziel: I'm really beginning to hate my unlife.
Elder God: Don't worry, I'm sure Kain knows what he's doing.
(Kain teleports back in and he's carrying a bag)
Kain: Aha! I got you some stuff to unstuck you with!
Raziel: Great! What'd you get?
Kain: (pulls something out of bag) A screwdriver!
Raziel: What for!?
Kain: I don't know. To screw drive things?
(Kain starts trying to screw drive to bars but nothing happens)
Raziel: (irritated) What else did you bring?
Kain: Glue!
Raziel: What-!?
Kain: (takes out a pencil sharpener) A pencil sharpener?
Raziel: Gee, what a BAD IDEA!
Kain: (takes something else out) I got you some trousers!
Raziel: Trousers!? Why?
Kain I don't know, so you can put them on? I can never get these trousers things to work right. Maybe I'm putting them in the wrong arm or—
Raziel: WILL YOU SHUT THE CRAP UP AND HELP MEEEEEEE?
Kain: I know what will unstuck your head!
(Kain pulls out motor oil and rubs it on Raziel's face)
Raziel: Motor oil? I don't have engine troubles!
Kain: Kain Kick!
(so Kain took a running leap at Raziel. Unfortunately, due to kain's very poor aiming, Kain landed right beside Raziel headfirst and now had his head stuck in the opposite side of the fence)
Raziel: (clearly unhappy) .........
Kain: .........
Raziel: .........
Kain: .........dahahaHAHAHAHAHA!!
Raziel: (fuming) What is so funny?
Kain: Ehehehehehe! Ain't it ironic!? You got your head stuck and I came all the way out here to help unstuck your head, and MY head ends up getting stuck too! Gahahahaha, you gotta admit, this is classic!
(a look of intense anger flooded Raziel's face as his moronic dad kept laughing. Soon though, Kain begun to understand the situation)
Kain: Good feelings gone. Waaaaaaah!
(then a light bulb comes on over Kain's head)
Kain: Wait a minute! My belly button's an out-y!
Raziel: ?
Kain: I can use my out-y belly button to tie a knot around the bars and bend them!
(then Raziel proceeded to bash the sides of his head against the bars hoping to be knocked out unconscious. The Elder God just proceeded to look smug knowing that by the time Raziel realized all he had to do is shift realms to escape, he'd be so embarrassed that he'd curse the Elder out. And what is sweeter than that?)
Mortanius' Voice: This week on the Oxymoron channel, make sure not to miss the next exciting episode of "Kaina: Warrior Princess!"
Opening credits for Kaina: Warrior Princess starts. Some really bad music as played as we see Kain put on pantyhosii (plural of pantyhose). Then Kain puts on some cleavage revealing armor, despite Kain having hardly any bust at all. Then the credits move up to Kain.
Mortanius' Voice: Kaina is played by the actor Kain!
Then the credits zoom to Dumah, whose disturbingly enough in a skirt and what can best be described at a medieval tank top that reveals his bust also, but I won't give details on that.
Mortanius' Voice: Kaina's sidekick Gabrielle is played by the semi-actor semi-moron Dumah!
Then the credits show clips from the show, like when Kaina ran around fighting zombies who have the fastest feet in the world, the body of Hercules, and a certain horse part. Then we see Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) running around fighting off the "Holy Spider Beast of Spinziar" and we see Kaina obtaining the "Dark Shield of Lucifari" and we see Kaina wielding the "Mongoloid Sword of Xanthia" and other weirdly named objects while we see Gabrielle (Dumah) just running around and jumping up and down.
Mortanius' Voice: Tonight espisode: "Michael Row Your Boat-a-DIE!!" in which Kaina Warrior Princess must acquire the "Sacred Shield of Herpes" and Gabrielle (Dumah) must rescue the Princess of Gorbilla from a fatal sacrafice!
The scene fades out and then fades in to reveal Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) talking to an old guy, probably someone with a clue!
Mortanius' Voice: We join our story already in progress.
Kaina peers into the old man's eyes and makes sure to bend towards him. Gabrielle (Dumah) is just sitting back playing with her hair.
Kaina: Old man, I must know, what is your name?
Old Man: My name is Ack'Aghhhhh'Khackkk'Khackkki'Ackkkkhi'Khahh.
Kaina: .........
Ack (for short): I am the Holy Keeper of the Shrizack Armor. I was told by my mentor that I would be visited by you.
Kaina: Who was your mentor?
Ack: His name was Aaaaayaaaah'Khaaaa'Kkkkkkkkyac'Hashakhaaaa'Khaaaha. He was the former Wielder of Shrizack Armor.
Kaina looks over to Gabrielle (Dumah) with a look of excitement in her eyes. Somehow Kaina found this little talk to be exciting.
Kaina: Gabrielle (Dumah), this old man named Ack knows where we can find the prophesized "Sacred Shield of Herpes!"
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!
Ack: Um, Kaina, the 'H' in the Shield of Herpes is silent.
Kaina: Come old man, where shall I find this shield?
Ack: I'm not old, I'm just 97! To claim the Shield of Herpes, you must climb the Mountain of Bristole, cross the dangerous Rickety Bridge of Unhopefulness, then you must ride the perilous Boat of Slipperyness, then you will arrive at the Cave of Morgolius, where you must defeat the bearer of the shield, King BigMcLargeHuge!
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!
Kaina: Come Gabrielle (Dumah), we must away!
Then Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) run away. Then, just for a crappy plot twist, BigMcLargeHuge appears behind Ack and then slays him! As Ack screamed in pain, Kaina just thought Ack was calling out his name so she didn't know he was actually dying. So Kaina and Gabrielle (Dumah) climbed the Mountain of Bristole.........but not al was as it seemed!
Kaina: (huff) (huff) Pantyhose are itchy.........
Gabrielle (Dumah): Wait Kaina! Listen. Do you hear that?
It turns out that the busty sidekick was right as someone was following them! But who could it be?
Kaina: By the name of Kaina Warrior Princess, show yourself fiend!
It turned out that the Asain fighter, Mister Lao was who was stalking them! Mister Lao whipped out the two Swords of Xanthion!
Kaina: Oh, it's the Swords of Xanthion!
Gabrielle (Dumah): Oh wow!
Kaina: Come now Gabrielle (Dumah), let us fight him!
Mister Lao: Ah hah! You cannot defeat me, you shall become part of the circus of Mister Lao!
Then, to try and look cool, Kaina also whipped out her sword, the Mongoloid Sword of Xanthia, and wielding the Dark Shield of Lucifari. Gabrielle (Dumah) whipped out a lead pipe. Kaina motioned for Gabrielle (Dumah) to follow her and she let out her famous war cry.
Kaina: Lalalalalalala!
Then when Kaina lunged at Mister Lao, he flew up into the air thanks to his trusty "Prop Strings of Aries"!
Mister Lao: Swing me that way Trusty Strings!
And then every time Kaina struck at Mister Lao, his Trusty Strings flew him the other way! Oh no, what can she do!?
Kaina: I must find some way to defeat him!
Kaina turned to Gabrielle, who was just sitting there watching.
Kaina: Well, aren't you go do something!?
Gabrielle (Dumah): Um.........do you see my breasts?
Kaina: Stupid sidekick!
Mortanius' Voice: On no! What's gonna happen? What will Kaina do? Will she ever claim the Sacred Shield of Herpes? Find out in "Kaina: Warrior Princess" episode "Michael Row Your Boat-a-DIE!! Part 2!"
Well, unlike the Star Trek spoof, I'll probably continue this one. Anyway, sorry for the LOOOOOONG lapse in updates, it's just for months I ran completely out of ideas, but then, all of a sudden, I get dozens of them at once! Hopefully I can update soon! I felt really good about this chapter, especially the Xena parody. Onto the review responds!
Concept of a Demon: Yep, that's Dumah for you, a sick weirdo. He's pretty dumb too, who just stands in a furnace?
AquaSword: You know, Marcus is also a door-to-door salesman, and he just doesn't stop till he's sold some junk. As for Dumah, well, he's been hangin' around Kain too long (Kain's really accident-prone so Dumah hears Kain cussing a lot. I didn't even know there is a cussword that begins with zon-)
HealerAriel: Yes, I believe I am a sir. At least, that's what the insane voices in my head tell me. C'mon you are famous! You admire my work? Wow, thanks! It's good to have fans and banana pudding will likely return!
ShadesOfBlood: Hey, it's a miracle, I finally wrote more!
Marina's Myst: Hey, don't worry, you'll be hosing Nosgothic Chatterbox whenever I write that. Insult you? Never! You're one of my best friends! I think that Vonnis and Vorador would get along VERY well! (reason I'm only responding to this one is cause it's the latest chapter review)
Omega XSabre: Don't worry, you don't annoy me! I live in Alabama (USA), where it's always hot as hell. Don't worry, if I ever need Kain beaten I'll invite you!
Lovecraft151: Hey, of you want you can be in a future chapter. Hope you continue to enjoy these 'skits.'
Before I go, I wonder why in shows like Xena they have such weird names for things? Guess it's like what Joel from MST3000 said once: 'They give ordinary, every-day items big names to make them sound cool!' And here's one last little skit to leave with. See ya!
Faustus: Help me, I need a friendly stripper for my party, the kind of stripper that people of all ages can enjoy!
Announcer (Elder): Well, if you've ever needed a friendly stripper, your prayers are answered. Introducing Moebius the Friendly Stripper! Invite Moebius to your party and it'll be a party they'll never forget! Let's talk to some satisfied customers!
Faustus: I invited Moebius the Friendly Stripper to my party and then the party was sooooo super! Thanks Moebius!
Ariel: I invited Moebius the Friendly Stripper to my bachelor's party and now I NEVER have trouble throwing up! Thanks Moebius!
Elder: So, if you ever want to have Moebius show up at your party, call 1- 800-MOEBIUS-STRIP. That's 1-800-MOEBIUS-STRIP! Call today!