Should Have Been
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Chapter Two:
Memory Lane Sucks
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Sirius stood in the field for a moment just watching the boy fly around. He wasn't that high off the ground, even though there was no one within miles to see him. That was the thing about this place, which was technically something Sirius had given to Remus a long time ago. It was out of the way and no one would accidentally stumble across it or see something they shouldn't be seeing. But it was also close to the small Muggle town, so anything they needed was usually only a walk away.
A thick forest, which Sirius also owned (His family may have been horrible people, but being wealthy did have its good points…) surrounded the house and Sirius couldn't help but remember being young and running with Remus on the moon.
He shook away the thoughts and turned his gaze back to the boy.
Siri seemed to have a lot of skill with the broom. (Which, he noted, was an old model…it wouldn't hurt to get the kid something newer.) Then again Remus had said he was a Quidditch player, he shouldn't have been so surprised. Sirius found himself wondering what position he played. He doubted Seeker, he was too tall for that, or Keeper. His height would make him too clumsy to do it well, at least for a few more years.
Sirius found himself wondering about a lot of things he couldn't help but feel that he should know. He'd never really given much thought to children before everything had gone wrong, but he'd been twenty-two and not interested in anything except lying around doing nothing with Remus, sex with Remus, and Remus in general. But he'd known, in some abstract sort of way, they'd be nice to have and that he'd be a much better parent than his ever were.
And in a way he was no better. Hell, his kid didn't even know him.
…this was just a whole new reason to kill Wormtail.
A few minutes passed before the teen noticed him and came back down. He got off of his broom, a slightly confused expression on his face. He tilted his head off to the side and crossed his arms over his chest. His eyes went from blue to gold for a moment, as if hinting at the fact he could take care of himself and that Sirius had better be wary.
"Hi, Siri. I wanted to talk to you."
"Who're you?"
Sirius was silent for a moment. The truth could very well scare the boy…then again not telling the truth wouldn't help the situation any wouldn't. "Sirius Black. I'm a good friend of your fathers."
The boy blinked, blue eyes curious. "I didn't know Da had any friends." He let his defensive posture drop, apparently deciding that if Sirius was a friend of his fathers then there was no threat.
"…Well, he was a little more social once upon a time."
"Really? I never would have thought." Siri toyed with his hair, a nervous gesture Sirius knew he had picked up from Remus. The braid began to come undone. "You know there's a murderer with your name."
"He was framed.""That's what Da said." He frowned a little, looking all too much like Remus for Sirius' personal comfort. It made it strangely…real to be talking to him.
He had a son.
Somewhere James was having a laugh at his expense.
"So you're…the Sirius Black then?" Sirius nodded. "Oh. And…you were the dog on the porch then?" Another nod. He had to hand it to this kid, he caught on quickly. "Ah. And you're friends with my dad because…?"
"Your dad was a lot different when I know him."
"He must have been." Siri muttered. "Now he's just over-protective and kind of neurotic."
"…Well, no, that's not new." Sirius admitted. Remus had been big on rules back in school, even if he very rarely made them follow any of them. Sirius hated to admit it, but Remus had been a bit of a push over when they were younger.
He'd grown out of it eventually though.
"Well, as long as it isn't just me." Siri said then looked around, biting his lip. "Why do you want to talk to me?"
"I…because I want to get to know you?" If anything the teen looked more confused then he'd been at first. "Well…Remus said it'd be a good idea and…I agree with him…I guess. In a way."
Siri raised an eyebrow as he spoke. "You make it sound like you plan to be around here for a while."
"Maybe." Sirius said, watching the boy closely. "I hope, but I think it's up to you."
The boy's eyebrows furrowed. "So, you're what, my dad's boyfriend or something? If you are you shouldn't play that I'm too young to know game, my dad's just going to tell me later on anyway. He doesn't keep secrets, its not the way he does things."
"I'm not…I was once." Sirius looked up at the sky. The sun was starting to set and the sky was being tinged with orange and violet. "I wouldn't mind being with him again."
Siri looked at him, gaze hard and searching before he nodded again. "Fine. I approve. You don't have to worry about getting along with me then, I'm not even here that much."
Sirius raised an eyebrow. "Maybe I want to get along with you."
"Why? To look good with my dad? The fact he even let you in the house means my opinion isn't going to change his mind much. He doesn't let many people get this close to me." He brushed a loose strand of hair back. "Don't worry about it."
Sirius was silent for a moment. Siri seemed pretty mature and logical for a thirteen year old. That was either going to make it easier or a lot harder.
"That isn't why I want to get along with you Siri." He said finally. The teen blinked him, confused again. "I'm not really sure how to…tell you this."
Siri crossed his arms over his chest. "Tell me what?"
"You're dad and I…we were together until I got thrown is Azkaban. You were born a little after that. I didn't even know you existed until I saw you at the front door." Sirius knew he was babbling. But how did you tell someone you're their father?
Siri seemed happy enough with the knowledge he had, he could be fucking up the boy's entire life by even being here. Maybe if he'd had a little warning from Dumbledore or Remus had told him last year or…anything. If he'd had time to think about this maybe he'd know what he was doing. But he had no idea how to be a father.
Siri was watching him, blue eyes guarded. He was clearly waiting for Sirius to finish what he wanted to say, but the man had to admit he had the strange feeling the teen already know.
"I'm not really sure how to say this."
"…You're my father." Siri's tone was quiet and calm, belaying the frantic look in his eyes. Sirius nodded and Siri made a choked noise. His hands clenched into fists at his side and he looked at the ground, not saying anything for a few, impossibly long moments. Sirius just watched worried but not sure what he could say.
Then Siri looked up, black bangs half hiding his eyes. He unclenched his hands and licked his bottom lip before nodding.
"Yeah I thought so." More of his braid came unraveled under his rapidly moving fingers. "I know it was supposed to be a secret, to protect me, but Da's not exactly great at the secret keeping thing. That's why he doesn't keep them from me."
"So you know."
"I had an idea." Siri corrected. He looked around again then sat down at the base of the tree. Sirius followed suit. He had to admit; he found the teen interesting already. "I mean…things add up, you know? Dates, the interest the Headmaster of Hogwarts has in me, the name…"
"I wish I could say you inherited my naturally crafty mind." Sirius said, cracking a smile. "But that would be a lie."
That sounded like something Remus would have done. Gathering together facts and figuring things out, as opposed to just weaseling the information out of other people, that was.
"Yeah. That and the fact Tonks told me." Siri said, smiling impishly.
Or not.
Sirius laughed and nodded. "Of course she did. I'm sure she thought the idea of having a baby cousin was too good to pass up. She isn't the type to let a silly thing like a deep, dark secret stop her."
"Don't tell Da though, he's already a little worked up about how much we have in common and how well we get along." Siri pulled his legs up to his chest and rested his chin on his knees.
"Remus sounds like Tonks' mother. She was always telling me I was a horrible influence on her. It was true of course." Sirius conceded.
"Tonks is great." Siri said as if to put Sirius' mind at ease. He didn't have to; Sirius knew that his cousin was nothing if not a great cousin. As long as the teen was careful to not call her by her first name, there would be no problems.
"She said you couldn't have known about me, because you wouldn't have let yourself be taken away." Siri added, looking at him.
"Remus never got a chance to tell me." Sirius confirmed.
"Right" Siri looked away, ducking his head, suddenly looking shy. "Because of what happened. I never thought I'd be…meeting you, I guess. Hi?"
"Hi." Sirius returned, allowing a small smile before he frowned again. "I'm sorry that I was…well in prison. Wasn't exactly something I had planned on at the time? I should have been here/"
He meant it; he really wished he'd been there to see Siri grow up. Who wanted to miss their son's entire life? Though it looked like Remus had done a great job without him. He probably would have been a horrible parent anyway…
It looked the mistakes he made just kept compiling. He'd missed out on Harry's life, had doomed him to live with those Muggles, and had missed his own son's life as well. He was just striking out all over the place it seemed.
Siri shrugged. "S'not your fault."
"Yes, it is. I screwed up and now I'm paying for it. And I've made a lot of other people suffer because of it." He closed his eyes for a moment then opened them again. Siri was watching him closely and he sighed. "Its not right that I missed your whole life."
"So? There are, fundamentally, a great deal of things that just aren't right." Siri sounded oddly philosophical, before his nose wrinkled in thought. "I can't remember where I heard that."
"Sounds like something cryptic Dumbledore would say."
"Maybe."
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He really had to be less protective. His son was, as Siri so readily pointed out, growing up. Rapidly actually, he was already eye-to-eye with teen. At the rate he was going he would probably be much taller than him or Sirius.
Siri wasn't his little cub anymore.
Then again he'd nearly lost his son to…just about everyone. His own parents had tried to take Siri from him, Sirius' family had made their presence known more than once in the past 14 years, and even his friends had voiced concern, so he couldn't be blamed for being paranoid.
But there was a huge difference between Sirius and his parents. He liked Sirius. He and his parents hadn't really been on speaking terms since he'd come out to them in his sixth year and he hadn't even given then a second thought since they decided they could care for Siri better then he could. Considering how he'd turned out, they had to excuse him for being skeptical about it.
The same went for Sirius' family. Sirius had been more or less tossed out and forgotten by the lot of them, and the worthwhile three had known of Remus' condition. The others had found out from his parents, of all possible people, so they could discuss the best possible options for his child. (Naturally these plans didn't involve Remus.)
Since Siri was pureblood and from two very old and prominent families (the importance of which was very debatable…) they thought that he should have a 'good and proper' upbringing. Which he couldn't have possibly done.
That was part of the reason he hadn't even told them he was pregnant until the very last possible chance, when he'd needed to find out how it could have happened to begin with.
Their reaction had been funny though. Not at all like what he got from Poppy, McGonagall, and Dumbledore, those had been down right frightening. It had been his own fault though, for behaving the way he had been.
He had been dumb then, after Sirius had been captured. Instead of dealing, at least for the sake of his child, he'd buried himself in self-pity, had barely eaten, and shut himself off from the world. It was almost scary to think what could have happened to Siri if he hadn't been forced to snap out of it.
It was, all these years later, very hard to believe he hadn't wanted his son once.
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December 23rd 1981
Remus groaned softly and tried to push himself into a sitting position. Where the hell was he? He knew he wasn't at home, he knew for a fact this wasn't his bed, and he wanted to know why. His head was pounding and the effort of moving made him feel sick to his stomach. He shut his eyes and tried to quell the feeling.
Just when he thought he was getting over the morning sickness.
"Mr. Lupin." A stern voice said, making him wince. What the hell was going on now? He'd been taken out of his house and now the head of his old house was scolding him. Just when he had been sure he'd struck rock bottom.
He sighed and cracked open an eye. "Professor."
"It's nice to see you awake. Would you care to explain the state your in?"
"Not really." He croaked, voice dry. He swallowed and took in the three people standing around him. Madam Pomfrey, Professor McGonagall, and Professor Dumbledore were standing around him. He was in the Hogwarts Infirmary. That was great.
For once Dumbledore wasn't smiling and instead wore a look of concern and disappointment. McGonagall was stern as usual, but a trace of fear and concern marked her features.
Madam Pomfrey looked mad enough to kill. She took her job far to seriously in Remus' honest opinion, but he wasn't going to be the one to tell her that. He didn't fancy the idea of her nagging him to death, which he was sure she could, and would, do.
"Young man, I'm sure things haven't been easy as of late, but that's no excuse to not take care of yourself. You're running a fever, suffering from dehydration, and I doubt you've bathed in a week." The nurse said, crossing her arms over her chest. "And that's just what I've observed, I haven't even had time to do a examination of you yet."
"Two days." Remus corrected. "I can't not bathe, my sense of smell is too sensitive."
She growled, apparently not at all amused, before forcing him to lie back in the bed. He complied, not in the mood to fight with the woman.
His stomach hurt to be honest. He touched his abdomen, which was starting to grow a little now, on pure instinct then sighed. He knew he should ask about the baby but he found as long as he knew no one else knew it wasn't really so bad and he could...forget.
"Remus, when was the last time you ate?" McGonagall asked, tone less harsh then he could ever recall it being before.
He shrugged. "I don't know. I haven't really been hungry." Which was far from true, he felt like he could eat everything in his house and still be hungry, but he didn't really want to get out of bed much.
"Remus." Dumbledore frowned at him seriously. "You know you should take better care of yourself, if not for yourself then because of the condition you're in."
He blinked. Figured that Dumbledore knew, he seemed to know every damn thing. Point out that poor little Remmie was dumb enough to get himself knocked up to get him to behave right?
It had always been the same. Pressure on him to do the right thing from his parents and teachers, pressure from his friends to ignore his responsibilities… People always wanted him to have so much responsibility. He'd never asked for any of this.
He didn't want any of it anymore.
He simply didn't care.Or, at least, he wanted to not care.
He snorted. "My condition? What makes you think I care about my condition? Maybe it would be a lot easier to get over this if it would just go away, maybe I don't want it! It's bad enough Sirius left me like this; I shouldn't have to care if I don't want to! It isn't fair!" He felt tears prick his eyes, wondering what Sirius would think of this, if he could see him now, crying like a child.
Not that would matter.
Sirius had betrayed him, left him alone with a child, a family that hated him, no friends because they were all dead, and no money…hadn't even told him goodbye or sorry. Hadn't even had the common courtesy to kill him too, because it was better to let Remus suffer for the rest of his life.
It was probably much more satisfying for him.
And Dumbledore was talking about his condition? He was carrying the spawn of Satan as far as he was concerned. And it wasn't fair.
Dumbledore sighed. "No, Remus it isn't, and I'm sorry this is the way you feel about it.
"Well how do you think I should feel about it?" Remus asked, bitterness coloring his tone. "He betrayed me. He's killed everyone I ever loved and now I have this…thing growing inside of me. Do you expect me to be happy?"
"I would have thought that you would be able to see past the bad and see the potential for good that may arise from this." Remus laughed, despite the fact the world was becoming blurred with tears.
"Good? What good?"
"I understand how you must feel-" McGonagall started.
"Somehow I doubt that." He muttered, shaking his head. He was suddenly very tired, and not just psychically. He was tired on the inside, the weariness went bone deep and even being angry or upset took far too much out of him. "It doesn't matter. If I could rid myself of this child, I would. But every doctor I've seen said they wouldn't dare do it because I'd probably die in the process. Ethics or something of that nature."
"I would hope so." Pomfrey said, sniffing. "As rare as a conceiving male is, to add werewolf biology on top of that would make trying to…remove the child a move only a back alley butcher would make."
"Not even." Remus said, frowning. "I won't keep it."
"That is your choice to make and it isn't my place to convince you otherwise." Dumbledore said and Remus could almost feel the sadness that radiated from the man. "But for your own safety, and that of your child, I'm binding you to Hogwarts until I feel you can live on your own. You're more then welcome to give up the child, but I won't allow you to make it suffer for something it hasn't done just because you think life isn't fair."
"You can't make me stay here!" Remus protested, sitting up quickly. Pomfrey made a noise that was between distress and disapproval. He turned to glare at her when a sharp pain shot through his stomach. He coughed, breathe stolen from him, and folded in on himself.
"Remus!" Dumbledore sounded alarmed, but Remus couldn't say anything to him. He was busy gasping for air, unable to draw any in for some reason. Another pang of pain and he let out a shout. "Poppy-"
"Yes yes." The woman grabbed Remus by the arm with surprising strong and calloused hands and held him still. Something warm and slimy was forced down his throat. He gagged, but a hand over his mouth kept him from spitting the vile liquid out.
He was released after a moment and coughed loudly. It took him a moment to realize that the pain was gone and that the three adults looked very pale.
"Yes, I think it would be best if you remained here." Dumbledore said finally, blue eyes very intense. "Poppy, perhaps you should give him a through looking over."
"Of course." Pomfrey said before turning and walking out of the room.
Dumbledore watched her go then looked at Remus. The way the man was looking at him made him very uneasy. McGonagall however just looked very disappointed.
"I expected better of you Remus."He winced. "I didn't exactly plan for this to happen. I didn't even know things like this could happen, otherwise me and Sirius would have been more careful."
"I'm not talking about the child, or the fact its Sirius'. I rather think I'd be alarmed if it weren't his child, if you must know. I'm talking about what you're doing." She sighed. "I know it hurts Remus, I've lost four of my favorite students and friends, Black included. I do not want to lose another one."
"I-" She held up a hand to stop him.
"And I will certainly not presume to know what it is like to have your lover betray you or to carry the child of the one who has helped kill your best friends, but I can tell you this baby has done nothing to you. It didn't choose the timing or force Black to do anything." Remus stared down at the cover on top of him, not sure what to say. "I really expected better from you."
"It's hard." He muttered, closing his eyes. And it was.
"Life, Mr. Lupin, is hard." She said, tone clipped. "And if I hear you've given Poppy any trouble it will get much harder for you."
He nodded, knowing she wouldn't hesitate to carry out such a threat. Looking mildly satisfied she sat in one of the chairs next to his bed and shook her head. Dumbledore stood at her side, hand resting on the back of her chair. No one spoke until Pomfrey returned.
She had a bowl of soup and small vile of clear liquid, which he drank first, under her watchful glare. While he played with the soup she set about casting some kind of charm. He wasn't really watching. It wasn't until she rested a hand on his stomach that he looked up.
A small screen was hovering next to him and he made out a small thing…moving on it. It was hard to tell really, it was in black and while. He blinked and looked closer, trying to figure out what he was seeing. McGonagall was leaning forward in her seat, watching.
"What is it?" Remus asked finally.
"That, Mr. Lupin, is your child." Pomfrey said, frowning some.
"It…looks like a blob. A moving blob."
"Still in good condition, healthy, lucky for you. I couldn't tell you what the cause of your pain was, though I assume it'd have something to do with your unique condition. I suspect you're about four months along, so I'd say you conceived around the…third week of August. Sound familiar?"
Remus frowned for a moment, thinking, then nodded. Sure, they'd probably had sex then. He didn't think it a good idea to go into the details…probably since he couldn't go into any. Hell, he could have been given an exact day, and he probably still wouldn't be exactly sure what had lead up to this.
"You said its okay?"
"Yes." She said as she waved her wand. The image vanished and she stared at him hard. "Eat."
He did as told, eating slowly. For once he really wasn't hungry, but he wasn't in the mood to argue anymore.
"Remus, could you tell us how this happened?" Dumbledore asked. "I must admit I am, for once, at a loss as to how this could have happened."
"Professor," Remus said after a pause. "If you are not aware of how children are made, I hardly think I'm the correct person to be passing that knowledge on to you."
Dumbledore blinked then laughed. "I would think not. Finish eating then got some rest. Minerva and I shall discuss what exactly to do with you while you are here."
Somehow Remus doubted he was going to like whatever it was they came up with.
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Present
Remus put a hand over his eyes and shook his head. Thinking about the past made him hate himself. He could have hurt Siri by acting that way, killed him before he even had a chance, and he hadn't even cared about it.
Kind of hard to believe he'd gone from that to a slightly obsessive parent. He really couldn't help it; it felt like every time he blinked Siri was doing something else or trying something new and…just growing up on him. And he didn't want to miss of any of it.
He couldn't have any more kids, too many things had gone wrong in his pregnancy with Siri, all of them his fault. He'd still been so depressed, it had taken more then the four months between then and giving birth for him to fully recover, and the complications the fact he was a werewolf had caused, and the risk he'd taken to ensure that Siri wouldn't be as damned as he was.
Then again…it had worked, though at the time no one had even been sure it wouldn't just…kill the baby as soon as keep him human. It was because of Siri he'd started taking to Wolfsbane potion to begin with, not so he could remain safe when he changed. It'd still been in the experimental stage at the time, and Dumbledore had asked Snape to brew it…he'd been far from confident at the time.
But it worked. Though he swore that it had something to do with Siri's fur allergy, and perhaps his unique abilities. …or, that could have just been some odd gene from Sirius' family, considering Tonks.
He jumped at the sound of something pecking on the window. He turned and stared for a few seconds before it truly sunk in that a snowy white owl was there, looking annoyed…if owls could look annoyed. Then again, there were times when he swore Padfoot was grinning so…maybe owls could look annoyed.
At this point Hedwig looked really annoyed so he got up and let her in. She nipped at his fingers, confirming that she was indeed annoyed with him then fluttered over to the table. She seemed more then willing to help herself to Remus' tea while the man undid the note from her leg.
He saw it was for him and Sirius so he set it aside then frowned, as something hit him. Explaining Siri to Sirius had been difficult, but how was he going to just spring it on Harry that he had even more 'family' then he'd probably ever hoped for.
He had been tempted to tell Harry before, when he'd been teaching at Hogwarts as he was sure he and Siri would get along wonderfully, but at first he'd been a bit ashamed and then afraid because Sirius might overhear something and go after their son. And then, when he finally knew Sirius was innocent, he didn't want Harry to know before the other man did.
And, though he was loath to admit it out loud, he wasn't sure he wanted them to meet now. He knew a war was on the verge of breaking out and he didn't want Siri involved with it.
He wasn't how he would accomplish such a thing, but he was going to try at least.
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Moony Padfoot Jr: Yeah, I've noticed a lot of Mpreg fics seem to involve daughters as opposed to sons…I wonder why that is…shrugs
Affected Mango: You're better off not remembering, as this story takes a totally different turn. This is actually just one in what has turned out to be a very…extensive series. Oddly enough, this is technically story five or six, but without it being posted first nothing will makes sense…it's so weird, I myself don't get it.
Starfisher: Siri goes to Brookridge Academy, which I stole from my cousin Tai who's helping me with this story. It's a fairly elite pure-blood only Academy somewhere in New Mexico. Technically Remus doesn't have the 'status' to send him, but Siri is the product of good breeding, so they overlook that. But where he goes to school is only important as reference to who his friends are. (Friend, actually…)
Gypsy: I'm glad you like the re-writes. I like them as well, but I guess I'm partial…
Moon Glaze: Again, I'm glad you like this new spiffier version. It should be a fun ride…
Spirit: That is quite the task you're taking on there…Good luck.
De Mort: Thanks.