Warning: This is not your stereo typical Xena fanfic. True, it will include the famous bathing scene, the ever popular Gabrielle-at-knife-point scene, mayhem and maybe even merriment. But, and this is a very big 'but,' it will also be the most badly written fanfic you are likely to find. This is intentional. Do not be alarmed. This is only a test of the Xena Obsession System. If you consider yourself a true Xena fan, you will not enjoy this. You will either laugh at the stupidity, or want to throw the author out the window of a fifty story building. Please refrain from trying to do so. Instead, enjoy the fact that you have hit bottom. Hey, it can't get any worse than this. That said, please try not to enjoy the following:
"THE MOST HORRIBLE, BADLY WRITTEN, SCREWED UP XENA FANFIC EVER"
CHAPTER 1
Once upon a time, there were two women. Yeah, I know what you're probably thinking. Eh, you're probably right. Anyway, one day, Xena and Gabrielle were walkin' along. I don't know where they were going or why, nor do I care.
So, they're walking, when suddenly a man jumps out from behind a bush. A...big bush. Would have to be, wouldn't it? To be able to hide a fairly large man? Yeah, the man jumps out from behind a big bush brandishing a big sword.
This man jumps out in front of the two women, Xena and Gabrielle. They're all ready to fight when suddenly the man recognizes Xena. "Xena!" He says. "What's up, yo?" Xena blinks. Can this be GASP a former lover?
CHAPTER 2
So, Gabrielle is all "WTF, mate?" and the fighting ensues. Who Fights? Does it matter? Yeah, I guess it does. So, Gabrielle gets caught between Xena and the former lover-man's fight and somehow her shirt gets ripped off. Oh, no! This results in a look of desire from Xena, which Gabrielle is completely oblivious to. Of course.
The former lover notices the look. Smart man, huh? No, not really. Gabrielle's just not very observant about anything. Unless it's so completely pointless that no one cares except for the fact that it could potentially cause problems...
So, anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. The former lover of Xena notices the look of desire and is all like "Well, fuck this." And he leaves.
CHAPTER 3
Xena and Gabrielle are walking along. Sound familiar? Thought it might. Once again, they're walkin' along. It starts to get dark. Imagine that. So, they decide to stop and build- bum, bum, bum - a campfire.
So, they build this campfire and Xena sits next to it, gazing into the flames. Gabrielle decides to go and sit with her, closer than is actually necessary. Surprised? You shouldn't be. This closeness leads to the inevitable 'campfire scene.' You know the one. Oh, come on, you know you do. The one where they talk, they stress, they're both into each other but too 'shy' to admit it. Or they don't even realize it. Then comes the awkward fumbling and the groping and then...the first time. No, this isn't your typical Xena/Gabrielle first time. No, this is the most excruciatingly horrible first time. So, this first time leads to more awkwardness and eventually to "Let's just be friends." Aw.
CHAPTER 4
After they decide to 'just be friends,' Gabrielle and Xena walk - yes, they're walking again- to the nearest village. This village just happens to have a wonderful bath house. Shock, shock. So, not being able to decide who gets to go first, they end up bathing together. Yeah, I know you knew that was coming. So, they bathe together and the whole 'Let's just be friends' thing goes right out the window.
The next day, they're walking - a little faster this time just for a change of pace, whoo! - and a man jumps out from behind a rock. The same concept as the bush, the rock has to be a big rock in order to hide the man - NOT a former lover of Xena. Whoo! - and his sword.
So, the man grabs Gabrielle and holds her at knife point. He makes some demands. What demands, you ask? Who cares! Gabrielle is at knife point here! Xena fights the man, wins, of course, and Gabrielle is freed.
CHAPTER 5
So, they're walking along, again. They come to this stagnant pond which contains masses of algae, mosquitoes and many, many halibut. Seem interesting? Yeah, probably not so much. So, they're fishing and they catch all of the fish.
Then, they're cooking the fish over yet another campfire. No, it's not what you're thinking. Why are you thinking that, anyway? You shouldn't think things like that.
Anyway, suddenly Master Chief - don't know who that is? Shame on you! - steps out and kills them, just for the halibut.
THE END
Author's note: Yes, this is how the story ends. It won't go on and on my friends. Some people started reading it, not knowing what it was. And they won't continue reading it forever just because...
Yeah, yeah, I know this was pretty horrible. But, hey, I warned you. You can't say that I didn't warn you. Why didn't you listen to the warning? See how you are? I spend all this time concocting a warning for you, and you disregard it to read the story anyway. So, just out of curiosity, did you hate it? Is the window of a fifty story building looking pretty appealing? Well, sorry. I don't live in, on, around, or anywhere near a fifty story building. Tough luck.
But, just think, once again, it can't get any worse. Now, you can go on with your life and have the satisfaction of knowing that you have read the worst. Anything else you read can't be nearly this bad. Nothing else will ever compare to the majestic beauty that is: "THE MOST HORRIBLE, BADLY WRITTEN, SCREWED UP XENA FANFIC EVER."