They hadn't got far before Xander stopped, he fell to the floor and began to totally break down. With his back against the wall of one of the houses he gripped at his knees and began to cry, his body was shaking from the emotions he felt. Faith had tears in her eyes as she kneeled down in front of him,
"Xander?"
She whispered softly, reaching across softly to touch his face, repeating again,
"Xander?"
He shuddered against her touch and she felt her heart break she leaned forward and pulled him into her arms nearly falling over from their combined weight but balancing somehow as she clung to him letting him cry out his tears. Knowing that he would try to keep it all in like he had before, but what he really needed was to let it all out. Time seemed to slow down for everyone; Louise was almost crying she was so upset. She didn't know what to do, so she just stood there watching her two friends cry to each other it was painful for her to watch. Spike pulled her into his arms and hugged her in a big brotherly way trying to reassure her that everything was going to be fine. After a couple of minutes he pulled away from her and said,
"I'll be back in a minute."
Faith turned to look at him quickly observing the serious look on his face and sparing a small smile to Louise before turning all her attention back to Xander. She stroked the back of his neck playing with the small curls of black hair, which gathered there, hoping desperately to calm him down. Although they were safe enough out here it was still night and she didn't like Louise being out at night even if she was a slayer. She'd lost one of her girls once in the early years of the training scheme and had never forgiven herself for Natalie's death.
After a couple of moments Spike reappeared as promised with a taxi in toe. Faith smiled gratefully and watched as Louise climbed into the taxi, she tried to pull Xander up into a standing position but could feel that he didn't have the strength. She was genuinely surprised when spike bent over and pulled him up in his arms and carried him to the taxi, she got over her surprise however and sprung back up to her feet climbing into the back of the taxi. The ride back to the house was difficult for all the occupants. The Driver decided that it would be in his best interests not to say anything to his passenger's on this trip, none of them really looked up to the friendly banter which he was used to. Louise was scared, the stability she had found since moving in with Faith, Xander and Spike seemed to be evaporating right in front of her. She had never in the whole time she had stayed their seen Faith cry let alone Spike or Xander! But there he was sitting opposite her, being clutched protectively by Faith with his head on her shoulder crying his heart out while Spike was sitting next to her cracking his knuckles. Faith didn't know what to do, even after the battle of the first when Anya had died he had not been this bad. She was scared that this might be the blow that made them loose him. She couldn't loose him she needed him.
It was only fifteen minutes before they got back to the house Spike tossed a wad of notes at the driver and climbed out of the taxi walking round to the opposite door opening it and waiting while Louise scooted out to reach in and pull Xander out. He helped him to his feet and wrapped his arm around him to support him. He wouldn't admit it but he considered Xander to be on of his closest friends and he looked after his own. However good a friend Willow had been to him in the past it did not make up in his eyes the pain, which she had inflicted on Xander now in the present. Faith was the last out of the taxi; she took a minute sitting there while Spike helped Xander out to gather herself together for what she had to do next.
She walked up the front path quickly and opened the front door, Minnie and Susana were watching TV in the living room, one look at her face though and they both went upstairs without a word, neither were weak willed but they knew that while they were in this house they needed to obey the orders which Faith had laid out for them when they had first arrived. Thankfully Katie was in her room already her bedtime having been an hour before.
Faith walked determinedly into the living room, the TV was still on and there were some magazines on the sofa, which she brushed aside making room for spike to lay Xander down. Once that was done, She turned her attention to Louise who looked like she was going to burst into tears. She bit down on her lip cursing herself for letting the girl be so involved right now, she walked over to where she was standing and pulled her into a bone breaking hug whispering
"It's going to be ok."
Into her ear and kissing her maternally on the forehead before telling her to go to bed, which she did without question. Faith knew that she wouldn't be in bed straight away as Minnie and Susana would be waiting for her to find out what was going on. When the girl was gone Faith turned to Spike who was standing the other side of the sofa looking down at Xander on the sofa.
"What now then?"
He asked looking at her, she sat on the edge of the sofa and said,
"I don't know, I guess we should take him upstairs."
He nodded at her and reached down to pull Xander up, and half carrying half dragging him got him up the stairs and placed him down on his bed. Faith followed him up the stairs and sat on the edge of the bed watching Xander. Spike left without a word he didn't know what to say. There was nothing he could say really, he nodded slightly at Faith before going, knowing that she would be the best one to deal with Xander now. Faith smiled at him as he left, she looked down at Xander, he had his eyes shut the trail where the tears and followed one after the other had left indentations on his skin, he was pale and looked corpse like, he was finally asleep.
She pulled off her jacket and lat down on the bed next to him, her head resting on his chest listening to his rhythmic heartbeat beating to the rhythm of life, before falling asleep.
The next morning when she woke up, Xander was gone. She sat up and looked around the room, glancing at the clock sitting on his bedside table she saw that it was just after nine. Climbing out of the bed she walked down the corridor to her room, stopping to have a shower and get changed into her sweats and training vest. She had slipped behind slightly on not only her own training but also the training of her girls and that was not good. So this morning would be the perfect time to pick up the slack.
She walked down the stairs and came across Minnie who was sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons and eating some kind of chocolate cereal, when she saw what Faith was wearing she groaned and said,
"Do we have to?"
Faith flopped down on the sofa next to her and started pulling on her trainers saying,
"Yeah, now get upstairs lazy ass, I would have thought you'd be wanting to do this more than anyone. Your nearly old enough to go out on a proper patrol now you know, but unless you pass the tests no one's going to let you out in with the big bad vamps...."
Minnie who had been staring dumbly at the TV turned to Faith her eyes seemed dead almost and said,
"But what if I don't want to be out their risking my life night after night? I mean I maybe a slayer but why does that mean that I have to do this? There are hundreds of us or so you say, so why is it we all have to do this? What if I don't want to die? What if I don't want to go out and face the big bad vamps?"
Faith finished tying her trainers and examined Minnie for a moment before opening her mouth to reply to the question, but was beaten to it by Xander, who was standing in the doorway behind them,
"Then you would be denying who you are, what you are. It's a part of you, one that won't go away if you ignore it, if you choose to ignore it then it'll prove to be your undoing. You can't hide who you are either you'll show your true colours by accident or the effort from hiding your true self will slowly weaken and kill you."
Faith gave a small smile and said,
"Plus it'll guarantee that you'll be able to eat as much as that junk as you want without worrying but the way you'll look after it, now go and get dress."
Minnie lethargically stood up and put her bowl in the kitchen as she was walking out of the living room door Faith called after her,
"Make sure the others are up as well, tell them we're doing physical defence in the basement ok?"
She took Minnie's grunt as and affirmative so turning her attention back to Xander she observed him as he sat in a chair opposite hers. He still wore the hollow ashen look he had the night before but a smile graced his lips, it wasn't a true smile however as it didn't reach his eyes. She stood up from the sofa and walked across to his chair sitting on the arm of it, leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Where did you go?"
"I needed some air, clear the senses and all that. I'm sorry if I woke you I tried not to, I guess I just needed some time on my own to sort things out."
Faith smiled and said,
"That's ok, I was just worried about you that's all we all were. I just wanted to make sure you were ok, you were really bad last night and then you were gone..."
He gave her a one armed hug kissing the top of her head and said pulling her slightly to face him,
"I need to apologise for last night, I guess I've probably blown your chance of a happy family..."
"Don't be an idiot, I've got a family. The thing with Remus, it would have been cool but I didn't need it, I told him I already had a family and I meant that. I know my mom would have wanted us to try and make it work but your more important to me. So it was an easy choice to make ok?"
Xander gave her a proper grin now and said,
"I'm still sorry."
"Don't be."
She hesitated a minute before carrying on,
"What happened with you and willow? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to or you're not ready or anything..."
His eyes glazed over again as he said,
"I'd rather not talk about it."
She smiled sadly at him and said,
"Just know I'm always here for you."
They were interrupted then by the sound of four sets of feet stomping down the staircase,
"We're in the basement."
Faith shouted to them and listened as more doors flew open several loud bangs as the girls made their way down to the cellar. She stood up and smiling said,
"I better get down there, you know what their like they'll bring the house down if left to their own devices."
Xander watched as she left, he could hardly remember the night before now, it was all a blur a painful clouded blur that he didn't want to understand. All he knew was that he had woken up that morning with Faith lying next to him and it had felt right somehow. Seeing her they're lying with her hair spread out across the pillow she had looked almost like an angel, which had fallen from heaven. He had tucked the blanket round her when he had left and spent a couple of moments just staring at her.
As he had left for his walk a part of him had wished that he would wake up every morning to find her there... there was something calming about her being there, just by being there for him she had almost managed to make him forget about the pain from the night before. It had made him realise something though, the willow thing had hurt God it had hurt but really he didn't need her any more, hadn't any more not since he had Faith.... Shaking his head he stood up and walked towards the kitchen and started to make himself some breakfast.
"Xander?"
She whispered softly, reaching across softly to touch his face, repeating again,
"Xander?"
He shuddered against her touch and she felt her heart break she leaned forward and pulled him into her arms nearly falling over from their combined weight but balancing somehow as she clung to him letting him cry out his tears. Knowing that he would try to keep it all in like he had before, but what he really needed was to let it all out. Time seemed to slow down for everyone; Louise was almost crying she was so upset. She didn't know what to do, so she just stood there watching her two friends cry to each other it was painful for her to watch. Spike pulled her into his arms and hugged her in a big brotherly way trying to reassure her that everything was going to be fine. After a couple of minutes he pulled away from her and said,
"I'll be back in a minute."
Faith turned to look at him quickly observing the serious look on his face and sparing a small smile to Louise before turning all her attention back to Xander. She stroked the back of his neck playing with the small curls of black hair, which gathered there, hoping desperately to calm him down. Although they were safe enough out here it was still night and she didn't like Louise being out at night even if she was a slayer. She'd lost one of her girls once in the early years of the training scheme and had never forgiven herself for Natalie's death.
After a couple of moments Spike reappeared as promised with a taxi in toe. Faith smiled gratefully and watched as Louise climbed into the taxi, she tried to pull Xander up into a standing position but could feel that he didn't have the strength. She was genuinely surprised when spike bent over and pulled him up in his arms and carried him to the taxi, she got over her surprise however and sprung back up to her feet climbing into the back of the taxi. The ride back to the house was difficult for all the occupants. The Driver decided that it would be in his best interests not to say anything to his passenger's on this trip, none of them really looked up to the friendly banter which he was used to. Louise was scared, the stability she had found since moving in with Faith, Xander and Spike seemed to be evaporating right in front of her. She had never in the whole time she had stayed their seen Faith cry let alone Spike or Xander! But there he was sitting opposite her, being clutched protectively by Faith with his head on her shoulder crying his heart out while Spike was sitting next to her cracking his knuckles. Faith didn't know what to do, even after the battle of the first when Anya had died he had not been this bad. She was scared that this might be the blow that made them loose him. She couldn't loose him she needed him.
It was only fifteen minutes before they got back to the house Spike tossed a wad of notes at the driver and climbed out of the taxi walking round to the opposite door opening it and waiting while Louise scooted out to reach in and pull Xander out. He helped him to his feet and wrapped his arm around him to support him. He wouldn't admit it but he considered Xander to be on of his closest friends and he looked after his own. However good a friend Willow had been to him in the past it did not make up in his eyes the pain, which she had inflicted on Xander now in the present. Faith was the last out of the taxi; she took a minute sitting there while Spike helped Xander out to gather herself together for what she had to do next.
She walked up the front path quickly and opened the front door, Minnie and Susana were watching TV in the living room, one look at her face though and they both went upstairs without a word, neither were weak willed but they knew that while they were in this house they needed to obey the orders which Faith had laid out for them when they had first arrived. Thankfully Katie was in her room already her bedtime having been an hour before.
Faith walked determinedly into the living room, the TV was still on and there were some magazines on the sofa, which she brushed aside making room for spike to lay Xander down. Once that was done, She turned her attention to Louise who looked like she was going to burst into tears. She bit down on her lip cursing herself for letting the girl be so involved right now, she walked over to where she was standing and pulled her into a bone breaking hug whispering
"It's going to be ok."
Into her ear and kissing her maternally on the forehead before telling her to go to bed, which she did without question. Faith knew that she wouldn't be in bed straight away as Minnie and Susana would be waiting for her to find out what was going on. When the girl was gone Faith turned to Spike who was standing the other side of the sofa looking down at Xander on the sofa.
"What now then?"
He asked looking at her, she sat on the edge of the sofa and said,
"I don't know, I guess we should take him upstairs."
He nodded at her and reached down to pull Xander up, and half carrying half dragging him got him up the stairs and placed him down on his bed. Faith followed him up the stairs and sat on the edge of the bed watching Xander. Spike left without a word he didn't know what to say. There was nothing he could say really, he nodded slightly at Faith before going, knowing that she would be the best one to deal with Xander now. Faith smiled at him as he left, she looked down at Xander, he had his eyes shut the trail where the tears and followed one after the other had left indentations on his skin, he was pale and looked corpse like, he was finally asleep.
She pulled off her jacket and lat down on the bed next to him, her head resting on his chest listening to his rhythmic heartbeat beating to the rhythm of life, before falling asleep.
The next morning when she woke up, Xander was gone. She sat up and looked around the room, glancing at the clock sitting on his bedside table she saw that it was just after nine. Climbing out of the bed she walked down the corridor to her room, stopping to have a shower and get changed into her sweats and training vest. She had slipped behind slightly on not only her own training but also the training of her girls and that was not good. So this morning would be the perfect time to pick up the slack.
She walked down the stairs and came across Minnie who was sitting in front of the TV watching cartoons and eating some kind of chocolate cereal, when she saw what Faith was wearing she groaned and said,
"Do we have to?"
Faith flopped down on the sofa next to her and started pulling on her trainers saying,
"Yeah, now get upstairs lazy ass, I would have thought you'd be wanting to do this more than anyone. Your nearly old enough to go out on a proper patrol now you know, but unless you pass the tests no one's going to let you out in with the big bad vamps...."
Minnie who had been staring dumbly at the TV turned to Faith her eyes seemed dead almost and said,
"But what if I don't want to be out their risking my life night after night? I mean I maybe a slayer but why does that mean that I have to do this? There are hundreds of us or so you say, so why is it we all have to do this? What if I don't want to die? What if I don't want to go out and face the big bad vamps?"
Faith finished tying her trainers and examined Minnie for a moment before opening her mouth to reply to the question, but was beaten to it by Xander, who was standing in the doorway behind them,
"Then you would be denying who you are, what you are. It's a part of you, one that won't go away if you ignore it, if you choose to ignore it then it'll prove to be your undoing. You can't hide who you are either you'll show your true colours by accident or the effort from hiding your true self will slowly weaken and kill you."
Faith gave a small smile and said,
"Plus it'll guarantee that you'll be able to eat as much as that junk as you want without worrying but the way you'll look after it, now go and get dress."
Minnie lethargically stood up and put her bowl in the kitchen as she was walking out of the living room door Faith called after her,
"Make sure the others are up as well, tell them we're doing physical defence in the basement ok?"
She took Minnie's grunt as and affirmative so turning her attention back to Xander she observed him as he sat in a chair opposite hers. He still wore the hollow ashen look he had the night before but a smile graced his lips, it wasn't a true smile however as it didn't reach his eyes. She stood up from the sofa and walked across to his chair sitting on the arm of it, leaning her head on his shoulder.
"Where did you go?"
"I needed some air, clear the senses and all that. I'm sorry if I woke you I tried not to, I guess I just needed some time on my own to sort things out."
Faith smiled and said,
"That's ok, I was just worried about you that's all we all were. I just wanted to make sure you were ok, you were really bad last night and then you were gone..."
He gave her a one armed hug kissing the top of her head and said pulling her slightly to face him,
"I need to apologise for last night, I guess I've probably blown your chance of a happy family..."
"Don't be an idiot, I've got a family. The thing with Remus, it would have been cool but I didn't need it, I told him I already had a family and I meant that. I know my mom would have wanted us to try and make it work but your more important to me. So it was an easy choice to make ok?"
Xander gave her a proper grin now and said,
"I'm still sorry."
"Don't be."
She hesitated a minute before carrying on,
"What happened with you and willow? You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to or you're not ready or anything..."
His eyes glazed over again as he said,
"I'd rather not talk about it."
She smiled sadly at him and said,
"Just know I'm always here for you."
They were interrupted then by the sound of four sets of feet stomping down the staircase,
"We're in the basement."
Faith shouted to them and listened as more doors flew open several loud bangs as the girls made their way down to the cellar. She stood up and smiling said,
"I better get down there, you know what their like they'll bring the house down if left to their own devices."
Xander watched as she left, he could hardly remember the night before now, it was all a blur a painful clouded blur that he didn't want to understand. All he knew was that he had woken up that morning with Faith lying next to him and it had felt right somehow. Seeing her they're lying with her hair spread out across the pillow she had looked almost like an angel, which had fallen from heaven. He had tucked the blanket round her when he had left and spent a couple of moments just staring at her.
As he had left for his walk a part of him had wished that he would wake up every morning to find her there... there was something calming about her being there, just by being there for him she had almost managed to make him forget about the pain from the night before. It had made him realise something though, the willow thing had hurt God it had hurt but really he didn't need her any more, hadn't any more not since he had Faith.... Shaking his head he stood up and walked towards the kitchen and started to make himself some breakfast.