Author's Notes:

1) A big, HUGE thank you to those of you who reviewed! That really keeps me going!

2) Sorry about the format of the previews chapter, I tried to change it several time, but it just wouldn't work… but you can just copy and paste the text in a blank Word document, and it'll be a lot easier to read, I promise! :)

3) I've decided to throw in all the beautiful songs that gave me the idea for each different situation… they might not make sense in the contest, but I assure you…to me they do make perfect sense. This fanfic is 40% shaped on these songs I've been listening to. Some, I have to say, I chose not for the music as for the beautiful words… if the writing gets too heavy and hard to follow, please say so…

**************** CHAPTER FIVE ***************

******* LUPIN'S DREAM ********

At first he didn't know where he was. He tried to look around. Nothing but darkness.

Then, a small light, far away.

He cautiously walked towards it; he felt drawn to it more and more with every step. It was small, but he realized it was extremely important that he reach it. And suddenly it was all he wanted. To reach that small light and touch it, and see where it lead. It was like a quest for his aching soul.

Not without some effort, he stopped and glanced back from where he had come from; and suddenly there were people. People he knew, mostly. Molly, Dumbledore, Arthur, McGonagall… and Harry. Not far from them, a dark hooded figure.

They looked happy, and confident, and so inviting. They had smiles on their faces, and their eyes told him they wanted him to go back.

He tried to smile himself and step towards them… yes, this was the right thing to do. Those people loved him and he loved them. He knew it wouldn't be the same without that small flickering flame, but at least it would be something sure. His life would not be complete, but hey, if he pretended to be happy, maybe after some time he would really convince himself he was…

I took their smiles and I made them mine

I sold my soul just to hide the light

And now I see what I really am

A thief, and a liar

He was about to join the group, when he *felt* the light beginning to fade. He abruptly turned to it, and saw that indeed it was growing fainter. It had almost disappeared. No, this was not what he'd wanted! What was going on? Why did he have to choose? He glanced back and forth. He saw that his friends were not smiling anymore; instead, they were looking at him quite disapprovingly. Dumbledore was shaking his head in clear disappointment. The dark figure wasn't looking directly at him, but Lupin knew black eyes were studying him from beneath the hood.

And as he stood there thinking hard, the light grew ever smaller… and Lupin suddenly felt cold, cold like he'd never been in his entire life. It almost froze him to the spot.

Then, in a split second, he made up his mind. He knew what he had to do. He had to reach the light before it was too late. He'd come back to his friends later…but if he didn't manage to, they would be fine without him. He tried not to think about the bespectacled boy with the big, sad, emerald eyes as he turned his back on him.

The light was almost extinguished. He glanced back one last time and saw his friends had gone. They hadn't waited for him. As he felt himself become colder and colder, he realized he had to reach for the light, now or never.

I run to you

Call out your name

I see you there, farther away

He ran for what felt like hours, and still the light appeared farther away. He tried to reach for it, but it seemed to just slip through his outstretched fingers. He was beginning to feel numb, now, too. His heart was like a heavy stone in his chest, beating ever slower…

I'm numb to you, numb and deaf and blind

You give me all but the reason why

I reach out but I feel only air at night

Not you, not love, farther away

And then he finally grabbed the light with his hand, imprisoning it in his fist. He laughed, triumphantly… he'd reached it. Everything would be okay. The light would warm your heart now. He opened his palm to examine it closer…

…and there was nothing but thin air. A bare warmth in his fingers was the only reminder of the flickering red flame.

Again, everything was darkness. He couldn't see anything. Just the cold, and the black surrounding him.

He'd failed. He sunk to his knees, feeling old and tired and purposeless.

Don't leave me here by myself

I can't breathe

The rumble in his chest slowed down once again, and… suddenly his heart wasn't beating anymore.

He wasn't dead. He was emptied of all emotions but sorrow… but he wasn't dead. Would he stay like this for the rest of eternity? Would he ever find his way back?

Lupin jerked awake. His hand flew to his chest, to make sure his heart was beating. Actually, it was beating so fast he thought it might explode. He must have had another…another of those dreams.

He tried to remember… some flashes, brief images swam in the fog of his mind… and suddenly he got a pretty definite idea of that…nightmare. His head throbbing like mad, he tried to roll out of bed, but landed on the floor with a loud *thud* and a sudden sharp pain shot through his right ankle.

I'm so tired of being here

Suppressed by all my childish fears

If you have to leave

I wish that you would just leave

Cause your presence still lingers here

And it won't leave me alone

He cursed under his breath, then gripped the bedpost and straightened up. Surprisingly, he felt his head clear up a bit. He walked out his room, ignoring the pain and instead putting his weight on his right foot on purpose. He passed by the room he'd locked up a month before, the key of which now lay purposely forgotten at the bottom of his most private drawer. No one had yet set foot in that room, because Lupin had forbidden it. He tried not to think about it as he flung himself in the bathroom without even bothering to lock the door, and turned on the water in the shower, as cold as he managed, then stepped in without taking his clothes off. His palms came to rest on the cool wall, his head hung between his shoulders.

These wounds won't seem to heal

This pain is just too real

There's just too much that time cannot erase

But you still have all of me

The water was icy, but he didn't care. At least his mind was distracted. He spent a few minutes in there, and when he was satisfied he stepped out of it, and out of the bathroom, not caring about the pools of water he left behind him on the floor.

His now soaked hair was plastered to his face, as his clothes were to his body. He stopped in front of the big mirror hanging on the corridor, and examined his face.

You used to captivate me by your resolute mind

Now I'm bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me

I tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone

But though you're still with me (in my heart)

I've been alone, all alone

Was it really him, that stranger staring back at him? He couldn't believe it. He looked awful, but still, he felt even worse inside. His ribcage could be seen through the clothes. A *ghost* would look better off than him, right now. He ached to just vent out…

No. The full moon was tonight. He couldn't let go, not yet.

It was very early in the morning, he could feel it. He hadn't slept more than a couple of hours. Five, six in the morning? He didn't even  have to check the clock. Without bothering to push the dripping hair away from his eyes, he snuck a last glance at the mirror before turning away abruptly. No more of this- he had work to do. Housework, to be exact. And he had to change into dry clothes.

But he needed some hot coffee first. He went down to the dark kitchen, and while he waited for the coffee to be ready, he took two Relieving Pills. He had his back to the door, so when a sudden noise reached his ears, he jumped.

Turning around, he saw the dark silhouette of Snape's form leaning casually against the doorframe. He let out a sharp breath…he'd forgotten all about the potions master…

Snape advanced in the room, and Lupin realized he was looking at him with a mixture of surprise –up was the famous eyebrow– and disapproval.

"Went out for a walk?" was Snape's sarcastic comment. It had been raining heavily for days now.

"I just showered." Lupin answered, turning his back on him again, and pouring himself some coffee as if standing there all dripping with icy water was a normal thing to do.

"Right."

"I didn't know you too were awake." He said, trying to disguise the discomfort he was feeling at being caught under such strange circumstances.

"Yeah, well. I didn't feel like sleeping."

"How are you feeling? A little better, I should hope." He felt a bit guilty. He'd forgotten Snape had just recovered from a bad series of Cruciatus and Merlin-knew-what-else…

"Yes. Better. It's not like I haven't been through this before." The potions master replied casually. Lupin turned to look at him, wishing he had Snape's cold blood.

"And let's hope it won't happen anytime soon." He said truthfully.

"Very unlikely, but yes, let's 'hope' so." Snape uttered the word 'hope' with a flat tone, as if it held no true meaning for him. Lupin emptied his mug of coffee.

"You want some?" He offered, but Snape shook his head, suddenly looking tired.

"No, I took the rest of the potion less than two hours ago. "

"Are you hungry?"

"Ate some of your sandwiches. Though now you mention it, you look like you need them more than I do." Snape said simply. Lupin ignored him.

"I'm going to change now." He said, lifting the hem of his soaked sweater and staring at it as if it held the answers to life, but somehow unable to move.

"I have to go." Snape stated, causing Lupin to look up.

"So soon? But I thought–"

"Unfortunately, when you are in my position, you are expected to have a *flexible* timetable… but no, this time it's not Him. I'm going to have a talk with Dumbledore. We need to discuss a couple of issues."

Lupin nodded, then smiled tiredly.

"And then? Will you be back or…"

"Just to get a few things, and then I will hopefully spend the rest of the week at Hogwarts. By the way. I'm leaving you some Dreamless. Use it today. You haven't drunk the Wolfsbane potion last night, and this might help." Lupin nodded.

"I know. But I was thinking about locking me up anyway, so…"

"I am leaving you some Dreamless." Said Snape again, as if the matter had been settled, his black eyes daring Lupin to reply. Lupin finally agreed, defeated.

"Whatever" He shrugged, then swept past Snape and out of the kitchen.

Lupin went up to his room, and picked some clothes randomly from the closet. He changed, without bothering to put on his robes afterwards. He quickly toweled his hair dry, then hung his wet pants and sweater on the chair and went back down. Snape were nowhere to be seen.

"Maybe he's gone already." He thought, looking around in the kitchen. Just then, the potions master came back, with the small flask of Dreamless.

Lupin rolled his eyes, but Snape ignored this.

"Here, take it."

"Nope. Not a good idea."

"I said, take it. Right now. In front of me."

Lupin stopped in his tracks, his gaze flying up to meet Snape's steady one.

"Are you kidding me?"

"I don't joke, Lupin. You know I never joke. But since you didn't drink the Wolfsbane yesterday due to my unfortunate accident, I feel somehow *obliged* –something told Lupin Dumbledore had had a say in all this– to give you something that might make up for it. Now, I sincerely doubt you could take the transformation tonight, unless you agree to drink this. It will merely let you sleep, giving your body time to recover some strength before…"

He was explaining it the way he might've explained it to a very inexperienced student, as if it was the only logical thing to do and there was nothing that would convince him otherwise. Lupin laughed bitterly, cutting Snape off. If there was one thing Snape hated, it was being interrupted by someone. He gritted his teeth, his eyes flashing.

"I'm sorry, Severus, but I think locking me up will do. Wolfsbane or no wolfsbane."

"Maybe…" Snape tried to keep his voice down. "Maybe you think you know better than me… and I hoped you would, since you've been in this… 'state', for quite a few decades now. Well, let me tell you something. You are in no condition to face a transformation tonight, as it is."

Seeing as Lupin was stubbornly refusing to take the flask from the table where Snape had placed it, the potions master changed strategy.

"Dumbledore is waiting for me. Now, I'm not going to leave until you drink this. Just know what horrible consequences might come to pass if I don't show up in the next half an hour. I believe I am late already."

With that, he crossed his arms and eyed Lupin closely, hoping to make him feel uncomfortable enough to just drink the damn thing so that he could be off soon afterwards.

"And don't try to pull that housework crap at me, cause it won't work." He warned the werewolf as he made to speak.

Lupin glanced around nervously, then his eyes darted back and forth between the flask of Dreamless and Snape's unflinching stare.

"You –think it might help?" He finally asked, unsure.

"I do not know about that. All I know is that it will make you sleep for some time. It seems like you have trouble sleeping, so… But if you want sure facts, then I have none, except this: it surely won't harm. You take it, then go up with your room, and you will wake up just in time to lock yourself up."

Lupin just wanted him to go. He wanted to be alone. But if being alone meant to be left with the sole company of his own miserable self, then perhaps it was even worse. So maybe the idea of the potion wasn't so bad after all…

Snape shifted impatiently.

Finally he reached out for the flask, hesitantly brought it to his lips, and gulped it down. He made sure he didn't drink it all though. He preferred to have some more 'conscious' time before the full moon.

Snape finally smirked appreciatively.

"See now. That wasn't so difficult."

Lupin thought he knew now the way Longbottom felt when Snape bossed him around.

"Now, go up. I'll go too. I shall see you tomorrow."

Lupin felt number by the second; he just nodded clumsily and went out. He reached the door on unsteady feet, and flung himself on the bed. His mind began to cloud, and he suddenly hoped he'd never wake up from that sleep, or else he'd tear himself apart… because an image was trying to make its way out from the back of his mind. An image he recognized among million of others swirling around in his brain.

There was a dark-haired, shimmering-eyed man, his lean body tracing an arch in the air as he fell backwards and through a mysterious veil.

*******************************************

Yay! I know guys, this sort of sucked. AND it was a bit short.

It's just that, well, I have already written the 'breakdown' part and immediate consequences, so I sorta had to fill out the missing day between Snape's attack and the full moon.

So, yep. Next chapter deals with massive breakdown… poor poor Lupin. I love his character so much it hurts to see him like this… but hey, in the end he will get something positive, I promise.

The songs are "Farther Away" and "My Immortal" by Evanescence. I have never actually listened to the first song –I just thought the lyrics fit perfectly -  but I definitely love "My Immortal". It's so sad…

By the way, I tend to manipulate the lyrics a bit, as to make them fit the story better.

If you review you will make me a happy girl!!!