The next morning, Kathryn woke and reached for Danny, but he wasn't there. She sighed sadly, and turned over to check the time. Danny was sitting in the chair next to her bed watching her. "Morning," he said quietly.
"Hey. I thought…"
"You thought I left. I couldn't leave without telling you…you need to know why this happened."
"It's OK, Danny."
"No it's not. I don't want to use you. I don't want to take advantage of you. I'm sorry," Danny said as he looked at her with sadness.
Kathryn sat up and wrapped a sheet around her. "You could never make me feel like that."
Danny rubbed his eyes, and ran a hand through his hair. It was obvious he hadn't slept. He continued, "You know I've been watching you almost all night. You are so beautiful and kind. You never asked for much from me, and I couldn't…I was such an idiot. I don't know why you give me the time of day."
"Because…because I love you. I want to be here for you."
Danny nodded and then finally said, "My brother is dead."
"I know," she said hesitantly.
"How do you know?" Danny asked.
"Don't be mad, but after we broke up, I did some checking and I found out his name. And then yesterday, his case came up in the morning ADA meeting. I went to your office because I wasn't sure you knew. Jack told me what happened."
"So last night…you knew…that's why you didn't stop me."
"Danny, I don't think I would have wanted to stop you regardless. Tell me about what happened with your brother," Kathryn pleaded as she sat on the edge of the bed directly in front of Danny.
"Sylvia, his son's mother, called me. She left town a few days ago to get away from Raffi. She was afraid he would get violent with her or her son because he was desperate for money. Anyway, her brother called her and told her that Raffi was in trouble at some liquor store. She called me to see if I would help him. She didn't know he'd been shot. She thought I could get him out of trouble. I wasn't going to go. I told her I was done with him, but something made me go down there. I walked in and there he was…just lying there, and I didn't feel anything. The patrol officer who shot him must have been 22 if he was a day. I could see him in the corner crying. He was crying for taking my brother's life. I couldn't cry. I just stood there."
Kathryn was crying now. She knelt in front of Danny and put his hands on his face, "You did everything you could for him." She put her arms around him and he pulled her close to him.
The held each other like that until Danny finally pulled away, "No, I didn't. He called me a few times in the last month. I never called him back. I knew he wanted money. I couldn't get pulled in again."
"He just would have used the money for drugs, Danny. You did the right thing. You did the only thing you could do."
Danny nodded, " I should go. I need to get to work."
"Danny, you should take some time."
"No, it's better if I stay busy. I…I don't feel anything, Kathryn. I'm numb. I don't feel grief or sadness…"
"When is the funeral?"
"He'll be buried this afternoon at St. Lukes."
"I'll go with you."
"No, I can do it on my own…"
"What time?"
"5:00."
"I'll meet you there."
Danny nodded and stood up and pulled her up with him. He stroked her hair and lightly kissed her forehead, "I love you, too." And then he walked out.
Kathryn arrived at the cemetery at five minutes after five. Danny was standing at the grave site all by himself. There was no funeral, no priest, no mourners…just Danny and the light rain that was starting to fall. Kathryn couldn't help but think that Danny was probably feeling abandoned again.
She walked up behind him. He turned around and took her umbrella to hold it for her. She took his hand and intertwined their fingers. They didn't say anything to each other. The workers came and lowered the casket into the ground, and then started to covered the casket with dirt. Danny held her hand tighter as the casket was slowly covered up. After a few moments, Danny nodded to the workers a silent thank you. Then he and Kathryn turned and started to walk away.
"Thank you for being here," said Danny quietly.
"Of course." They turned to look at each other. She slowly rose to kiss him on the cheek and smiled. "It's going to be OK. You are not alone."
"I know," Danny responded. "Listen…um…there are some things I need to take care of. Raffi had this room he was staying in. I need to clean it out. I know I won't be very good company so maybe I'll just go do that now."
"I'll go with you."
"No," Danny said quickly. "It's not the type of place that you should be exposed to. And I kind of need to do this alone."
"Will you be OK…going there alone?" Kathryn asked with a worried expression.
Danny smiled for the first time in two days and replied, "I'll be fine."
"Come over when you are finished, OK?"
"I'd like that," Danny said as he handed over her umbrella. "Can I get you a cab?"
"You know what…I haven't been in a church in ages. I think I am going to stop in for second, but I'll be OK. You go ahead."
Danny nodded and smiled again, "Say a prayer for me…and don't stay long. Be sure to get out of here before the sun goes down." They kissed briefly and Danny walked quickly toward the subway.
As Kathryn turned to go in the church, she noticed Jack standing in the distance. She started to walk toward him.
"Jack…you just missed Danny. The burial was a few minutes ago."
"I know I was watching. I'm glad you were here for him."
"Why didn't you want Danny to know you were here? And where's Samantha, Vivian and Martin, for that matter?" asked Kathryn with curiosity.
"He begged me not to tell them. They didn't know he had a brother, and he didn't want them to know about this. So I respected his wishes. He also didn't tell me about the burial. I had to call the morgue. I don't think he wanted me here."
"But you came anyway?"
"Well…I know that he is alone. I just wanted to make sure he was OK, and that he didn't do anything stupid."
"Stupid? Like what?"
"Like fall off the wagon for one. I asked him if he had gone to a meeting. He said that he would, but…is that where he is off to now?"
Kathryn felt like she had been punched in the stomach…another one of Danny's secrets revealed. She knew that Danny didn't drink, but she didn't know he was in AA.
"Kathryn…Kathryn? I asked if Danny was going to a meeting."
"Um…no," Kathryn was trying not to look surprised. "He…uh…he said he was going to clear out some of his brother's belongings. Maybe he'll go after…" Kathryn was desperately trying to hold back her tears.
"Hopefully, it would be a waste to lose eight years of sobriety over this."
Kathryn just nodded.
"Can I drop you somewhere?" asked Jack.
"No, thanks. Um…I was going to visit the church for a few minutes."
"Well, take care. Bye."
"Bye, Jack."
Kathryn walked away and stepped into the empty church. As soon as she entered, she collapsed into the first pew in a heap of tears. She felt so selfish. Instead of crying for Danny's brother or his nephew or Danny himself, she was crying for herself. Because she loved him so much, and still felt like he would never really let her in. She sat there for an hour reflecting on their relationship and evaluating the pros and the cons. When it came down to it, she loved him too much to let him go. She would be there for him just like she promised, and in time, maybe he would trust her completely. She knew that part of him would always be that little boy who felt abandon and alone.
Kathryn went home and waited for Danny. He never came over. She called him the next day, and there was no answer. She called his office, and Vivian said that he was taking a personal day. Finally, that evening she went to his apartment. She never got a key to his place because they always stayed at hers. So she knocked on the door. After a few minutes of knocking, she heard something stir inside his apartment.
"Danny…Danny…it's Kathryn. Are you in there?" she called out.
Finally the door opened a crack and Danny said carefully, "Hey…I…uh…wasn't expecting you. Did we have plans?"
"Last night…you said you were coming over, but you never showed. I got worried."
Danny put his head down, "I'm sorry, baby. It took me longer than I thought, and then I got back here and just collapsed. I was really tired."
Kathryn nodded and asked, "Can I come in?"
Danny looked at her hesitantly and finally opened the door. "Um…sure."
"Have you eaten?" Kathryn asked as she surveyed his apartment. It was very unkempt which was very unlike Danny.
"Yeah…I'm fine. I've just been sleeping…you know. Trying to just…get back to normal."
Kathryn then took a good look at Danny. His eyes were blood shot, and he almost had a full beard. She walked toward him to embrace him, but he backed away.
"What's wrong?" she asked quietly.
"I just need to get cleaned up. I wasn't expecting you. Let me jump in the shower, and then maybe we can go out or something."
"We don't have to go out. I'm sure you have something here…," Kathryn said as she walked in the kitchen.
"Wait…don't…"
She opened the refrigerator and found an open bottle of tequila. Kathryn just stared at it as tears filled her eyes. She wouldn't have known to be concerned if she hadn't talked to Jack earlier. Then she said, "I thought you didn't drink."
"I don't usually. You know that I don't, but Raffi…he…uh…had this bottle in his room, and I figured it would help me sleep. You know? It's no big deal. Just a one-time thing."
"No big deal," Kathryn said as she closed the refrigerator door and closed her eyes.
"In fact, that's all I've been doing all day…just sleeping. So I guess it kind of helped, but I can get rid of it now."
Kathryn turned toward him as she opened her eyes. "OK…we'll just pour it out then."
"Right."
"Why don't you take your shower, and I'll do that and straighten up in here."
"You don't have to do anything. Why don't you just head home, and I'll come over later. I'll bring dinner," Danny said as he smiled.
Kathryn didn't know what to do. Twenty-four hours ago she promised herself that she would stand by him. As much as she thought she should confront him now, she didn't want to hurt him more. "That's fine."
"Good," Danny said sounding relieved.
Kathryn went home reluctantly, and couldn't stop worrying about Danny. She paced her apartment for two hours until she finally heard the buzzer. "Danny?"
"It's me."
Kathryn breathed a sigh of relief as she buzzed him in.
When he walked in her apartment, he looked much better than before. He brought a pizza. "Are you hungry?"
"A little…yeah. Are you feeling better?"
"I'm much better now that I am with you." Danny bent down and kissed her. "Thanks for being so amazing through all this. I…uh…I would have been lost without you the other night."
Kathryn wondered if he would have gotten drunk that night if she hadn't let him in. Knowing about Danny's addiction filled in so many blanks in their relationship. Sometimes when Danny was down or bothered by a case, instead of talking it out, he would want to have sex. He would never force her to do anything, but Kathryn often felt like that was the only way to make him feel better. Maybe Danny used physical comfort now to replace the comfort he used to get from alcohol.
Only now, it was apparent that Danny had started to drink again. So as Jack said, he threw away eight years of sobriety. Kathryn couldn't understand why he didn't come to her. As she looked at him, she wanted to ask him. She wanted to get everything out in the open.
"Did you get rid of the tequila?"
Danny looked at her skeptically, "Yeah…why? Are you worried?"
"Danny…I…I…," Kathryn wanted to tell him about her conversation with Jack. "I just want you to be OK. Maybe you should see someone about what's happened."
"See someone about Raffi? Like a shrink? I don't need a shrink. I'll be fine. He was out of my life for over ten years while he was in prison and even before that. In many ways, he was already dead to me."
"Well I still think you should think about it. Maybe there is someone at work you could talk to."
"I'll think about it," Danny said as he started to slowly stroke her arms. Then he started to kiss her.
Kathryn lightly pushed him away. "I thought you were hungry."
"I am," Danny whispered as he pulled her to him again and started kissing her neck as he unbuttoned her shirt.
"Danny maybe we should talk a little more."
"I don't want talk. I'm tired of talking.I'm tired of dealing with all of this," Danny whispered in her ear. "I just want you, baby."
Kathryn wanted to stop, but she was afraid if she pushed him away that he would leave. And then he would drink. So, she let him continue. They didn't even make it to the bedroom. She woke up alone on the couch. He must have moved her there before he left, because the last thing she remembered was being on floor with him above her.
And now Kathryn was worried because, before this, he used to always stay the night. She couldn't remember the last time he didn't stay with her after. If he had to leave for some reason, he would wake her or leave her a note saying he had to leave for work. But there was no note. He was just gone. And she felt empty. She should have been honest with him. She should have forced him to face the truth. She knew in her heart that Danny was out there somewhere getting drunk, and slipping further and further away from her.