Title: Present
Author: Katerina
Pairing: A little M/S, but will be J/S eventually.
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine.
Summary: A moment along the way. Post-Bait
Author's Note: This is the second in a three part series, the first being Past. You don't have to read that one for this to make sense... but it does kinda defeat the purpose. :-)
Once more, thanks go to Grav and DianeM, for their kind words, support and speedy beta. And to everyone who reviewed: thanks so much. You guys are the best!
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His hand is tracing gentle circles just above her knee. Her eyes are closed, but she knows he is watching her, lying there among the tumbled sheets.
She fights back a wince as his hand continues the soothing motion; she wants to pull away, but she's not really sure how.
Oddly, she feels guilty, more so than she ever felt when she had a reason to.
She tries not to wince again, because she does have a reason to feel guilty, and she knows it, really she does... She just forgot, for a moment.
Unfortunately, that isn't promising when the reason for her guilt is slowly inching his hand even higher...
She opens her eyes, catching the slight surprise on his face as she pulls away. She smiles, finding it easier than she thought, and he smiles back. He settles back into her pillows, clearly ready for a long stay, and her smile tightens a bit.
"Coffee?"
"Thanks."
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Now safely ensconced in her kitchen, she can wince as much as she chooses.
Oddly, though, she feels like crying as she waits for the kettle to boil.
It isn't Martin's fault Jack is leaving. It isn't his fault she was upset, and needed something to help her forget. And now she's going to hurt him, too.
This is how it happened the first time.
How does she get herself so fucked up?
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Work is just as awkward as she thought it would be, with Martin's puppy-dog eyes following her every move and Danny's curious ones flicking between them.
Because, of course, she still hasn't told him.
She didn't tell Derek, either, and look how well that worked out. Engagement ring, wedding ring and divorce papers. Her very own Holy Trinity.
Of course, if she were more introspective, she'd realize that things are more similar than she already knows.
Derek came right after Andy.
Martin right after...
Anyway, there's work to be done, people to be found...
Only maybe this time, she's one of them.
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It's a week later and she still hasn't told him.
Worse still, she's slept with him twice since then.
She wants to stop now, before she hurts Martin any further, because even though he's not Jack and she doesn't love him, he doesn't deserve to be used.
But she needs so badly to forget.
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Martin, she thinks as she watches him dish out the Chinese they picked up for dinner, could be pretty close to perfect. He's sweet, caring, good-looking in an Ivy League sort of way...
She should let him stay tonight, if he wants to. Because she really does like him, even if he isn't too sharp, and he doesn't make any demands on her, and he lets her boss him around.
After all, it's the polite thing to do.
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She thinks Viv knows.
It wasn't so much anything that was said, Viv's far too subtle for that, but an expression in her eyes.
What are you doing? They seemed to say.
Samantha's not really sure anymore.
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What does it matter, anyway? She's not hurting anyone, right?
But, oh God, she is, and she really doesn't know how to stop. Martin's a friend, not someone she could ever...
So she tells him she's busy tonight, and spends the evening in front of the TV.
She never noticed how empty her place is. She can almost hear the echoes off the blank walls.
Funny, it never bothered her before.
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She needs something to shut out the loneliness.
In a city the size of New York, she didn't think it was possible to be alone; certainly she's never felt it before. In fact, from the very first time she entered the city, she's felt at home.
Only now, something is gnawing at her insides, making her pace as she tries to settle for the night.
It's an odd mixture, pain and loneliness, one she hasn't felt since...
She passes the cabinet in the living room on her pacing circuit, and it would be so, so easy to reach inside, close her hand around the cool glass and...
No.
She reaches for the phone instead.
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She slumps against the pillows, gasping for breath, trying desperately not to stiffen as he reaches for her and pulls her into his arms.
She's never been one for cuddling, at lease not since...
But she lets him; lets him enfold her in strong arms, lets him smooth the hair away from her face, lets him place his head on her chest to listen to her heart as it finally slows.
And then he says it.
"I could learn to fall in love with you."
It hits her like ice water, like slowly melting snow.
Oh, God. What have I done?
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Half an hour later, and it's all over. He understands, he's fine.
He apologises to her.
She thinks that's what starts it, because suddenly she's crying and she's hurt him, and hurt herself, and all she wanted was to escape it all.
She just wanted to escape her past.