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Unorthodox

Her hand trembled as she patted a strand of hair into placed, and she cursed inwardly. How did she expected to function at the dinner tonight, if she was already falling apart? How was she going to act naturally, when she was already obsessed with the most minute detail of her appearance? Why was she going to all this trouble for him, a married man, no less? Kathryn Janeway could not answer any of those questions, so she merely scrutinized herself in the mirror once again.

She was pleased with what she saw, for the most part. Her red-gold hair, longer now, was piled elegantly on top of her head, and her dusky green dress highlighted her pale skin and set off her figure. She hoped she wasn't too thin...she had lost weight in the year since they had arrived back in the Alpha Quadrant. Too many nights staying up late grading papers and exams for the three Academy classes she was teaching...too many days rushed through at a frenetic pace, subsisting on multiple cups of coffee. Her arms were so thin...she hadn't noticed before...she frowned.

Then she shook it off. Why should she care what he thinks anyway? She was looking forward to seeing everyone else...well almost everyone else. It was their first reunion, and, other than Tom, who was teaching at the flight school, and B'Elanna, who was working at Daystrom, she hadn't seen more than one or two other members of Voyager's crew. Briefly, she toyed with the idea of not going at all, but discarded it. Why should she deny herself a good time, because of him? She gave herself a final cursory glance in the mirror, and strode from her room.

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He had changed. She had been surrounded by people from almost the instant she entered the banquet hall, but she had managed to locate him discreetly. She had not been able to find Seven. He had not acknowledged her presence at all. She spoke with Harry, after only one year, already a lieutenant commander, and noticed Jenny and Megan Delaney, each with a new and very gorgeous man on her arm. Tuvok was standing with T'Pel, both watching with the slightly patronizing indulgence that seemed peculiar to Vulcans.

She continued to eye him. His hair had become streaked with gray, and he appeared to also have lost weight. There were new lines in his face, she noticed with compassion, and felt her heart clench in her chest. One year was indeed not enough time to erase her feelings for him. He looked up then, as if he knew she were watching him. His eyes were just as dark and passionate as she remembered, and her knees weakened as the corners of his mouth lifted slightly. She had to talk to him, and began to head in his direction before the more rational part of her mind could forbid it.

"Hi, Chakotay," she began informally.

"Kathryn," he said in a tone that was a strange combination of wistful and distracted, "you look wonderful." She smiled, and to her horror, felt a flush creeping across her face and the exposed skin of her neck and shoulders. Damn this fair skin.

"Thank you," she murmured, with eyes averted. There was an awkward silence. When she finally looked at him again, she was amazed at the depth of longing she saw in his eyes. It was gone as quickly as it had come, and she thought that she must have been mistaken.

"So, how have you been?" The question came from both of them simultaneously, and then they laughed. As their eyes met again, the laughter trailed off, and Kathryn felt it again...electricity.

"I've been teaching at the Academy...three courses for first year cadets. A little mundane perhaps, especially compared to what we were used to in the Delta Quadrant, but it is rewarding in its own way."

"I never thought I'd see the day when Kathryn Janeway would be happy apart from the stars." Chakotay said lightly, with a trace of his trademark twinkle.

"I have had enough of the stars to last me awhile," she remarked in a wry tone. "But what about you? I haven't seen Seven here tonight." Desperation drove her to the question. She hoped her voice sounded natural.

"She's on Dorvan. She didn't come... we-- "he seemed to have difficulty speaking. "We've been trying to have a baby, but she's already miscarried twice...something about the nanoprobes attacking the embryo." He sighed heavily and seemed to remember to whom he was talking. "I'm sorry... you probably didn't want to know that."

In truth, she didn't want to hear about it at all...but this was Chakotay, her right arm, her best friend. How could she deny him a listening ear? "No, if you need to talk about it, go ahead." His eyes darted around at the milling throng, Voyager crew mixed with Starfleet brass. "Would you mind if we went outside?"

"Not at all," she replied, patting his shoulder, and indicating with a gesture that he lead the way. They slipped out a side door, and began to walk along a footpath which wound through some trees and ended up skirting a small lake. Recessed lighting in the shrubbery lit the path before them, but everything else was dark. Chakotay's face was hidden in shadows, and Kathryn hoped her's was as well.

"Is there no hope of Seven being able to carry a baby to term?" Kathryn asked gently, by way of broaching the subject again. "Very little. The physicians on Dorvan are not as advanced as here, but they've been sending regular communiques to Starfleet Medical. There are advantages to being a former member of the stalwart crew of Voyager. Everything possible has been done." He sighed in a bitter way. "But that's not the worst of it."

"Not the worst?" Kathryn could only echo, wondering what on earth else he could have to reveal.

"No," he laughed humorlessly, "I'm the worst of it. I'm such a god-awful bastard."

"Chakotay-" Kathryn protested. Even as a "renegade", Chakotay had been operating under the highest set of ideals. Self-debasement was not in his character, and wouldn't have been true anyway.

"I don't love her." He said bluntly. "I think on some level I knew it before I married her. This year has been hell. All the emotional ups and downs. Hope and despair. I would love to have a child of my own, and Seven knows it. She thinks it is her fault, thinks I would be well rid of her, thinks I secretly want to find someone else. She closes herself off, we sit at the dinner table like strangers, lie next to each other in bed like strangers." He ran his hands through his hair in frustration. "The thing is, I do want to leave. But what kind of man would I be if I ran out on my wife, who is mourning her lost babies. I made a commitment to her, and I want to abide by it. But I want out."

Any elation Janeway might have felt was buried under a wave of compassion for her best friend's pain and inner turmoil. She put a light hand on her arm, and her voice broke, as she whispered, "Chakotay, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do." Oddly, he didn't seem to realize that she was there.

"I loved you from the first moment I saw you." His murmur was so soft, Kathryn felt sure she had misheard him. "I still love you." He turned toward her, but she could make out none of his features. Her heart was pounding in her ears, and she felt dizzy. She should leave, she should walk away from him right now, but her arms and legs felt leaden. "I thought maybe you weren't in love with me at all, that maybe you never had been. Then I saw your face at the wedding, like someone had died, and I knew. I knew then, and it was too late."

Fresh pain assaulted her with his words. "You knew how I felt? Why didn't --"

"In the middle of my wedding to someone else? I wish you had told me. I have never loved anyone but you. Yet another reason I feel so damn guilty. I wish she were you, and she's not, and I resent her because she's not."

"I thought I covered it up so well," she laughed shakily, almost to herself.

"You were so... so icy, rigid. When you married Tom and B'Elanna, you were glowing, happy, relaxed. Then when you looked at me, and your eyes filled with tears. I just stared at Seven, hoping against hope to find some kind of spark there...some kind of you, but it wasn't there. And I knew it was too late." The tragedy of missed chances filled his voice. "It was too late."

"Chakotay, I don't want you to feel guilty on my account. I'm fine."

"Are you happy?" his voice was harsh.

"I--" she paused, wanting to reply in the affirmative, but knowing he would see through her. She tried not to cry. "Chakotay, I count myself lucky to be among your friends. Knowing you has been a privilege. Loving you has been a privilege as well. I do love you...I can't help myself."

"Kathryn-" Chakotay's voice was strangled, as he grabbed her by the shoulders and kissed her fiercely. The blood roared in her ears, and the rest of the world melted away. She clung to Chakotay as to a lifeline. In her mind ran the refrain, he's married, he's married, he's married. And behind it, the echo, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care.

Later, she found that she could not remember much of what happened next. Certain vivid sensations stood out, the feel of grass on her skin, the heat of his body, tears running down the sides of her face into her hair. It was all the pent-up passion that would have to satiate them, because they both knew, without saying, that this was all they had. They never went back to the party, but hastily grabbed a transport back to her house. They made love once more, fell asleep in each other's arms, and when Kathryn awakened just after sunrise, he was already gone. She padded around her house in her pajamas, feeling bereft. She looked for any sign of him, but there was none. Then her eyes fell on the PADD on her coffee table. She picked it up, and read only four words.

It was always you. And she felt herself smile. He had given all that he could give, and what woman could ask for more than that? Would he still have been her Chakotay if he had abandoned his innate sense of honor? She didn't know if she could be happy, but she could be content...and she could remember.