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Unaware

She could remember the exact moment she realized her life would change forever. She was in her office on Academy grounds, writing out her syllabus for the coming term. Her aide, a cheerful dark-eyed cadet named Avril, brought her a cup of coffee, just like she always did. The strong smell of the brew assailed her nostrils, and she knew instantly that she was going to be sick. She rinsed off her face in her lavatory, after having beaten an undignified retreat from the bewildered Avril, and knew that she was pregnant. She hadn't bothered with her boosters in several years, and at her age, that possibility had been the furthest thing from her mind while she and Chakotay were...

She leaned against the cool wall of the lavatory, and forced herself to think rationally and clearly. She couldn't tell anyone. If anyone from Voyager found out, they would tell Chakotay, and then he would know. And he would come, she knew that without a shadow of a doubt. Was it fair to expect that of him? Was it fair to keep this from him when the one thing he wanted most was a child? So much had already happened to Seven, could she live with the responsibility of having destroyed their marriage? No, she decided, it would be better if he never knew at all.

She would have to leave. Her mind was flowing like quicksilver now, instantly focusing on all that she would have to do. She would resign her position on the Academy staff. She would go home, stay with her mother, until after the baby was born. Maybe she could jury-rig the dates...no one would ever know that conception had occurred around the time of the Voyager reunion.

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She entered the house wearily, having done a couple of laps around her childhood home. She was nearly eight months pregnant, and insisted on walking some every day, even though it exhausted her afterwards. She heard her mother talking animatedly to someone, and walked unwittingly into the room.

It was the Parises...all three of them. Kathryn froze, and the conversation trailed off to nothingness.

"Holy Mother of--" Tom managed before B'Elanna's elbow in his ribs silenced him.

"Tom, B'Elanna, it's good to see you. Hi Miral," she said brightly to the toddler. Miral regarded her with solemn eyes, and the silence grew weighty.

"So," Tom said, with forced levity, "what's been going on...other than the obvious, I mean?" B'Elanna quelled him with a look.

"I guess I have some explaining to do, don't I?" Kathryn laughed weakly.

"If you can get her to tell you who the father is, you'll be doing better than I did," her mother said firmly, completely oblivious to her daughter's embarrassment. Tom and B'Elanna looked at her with a question in their eyes.

"He's not in my life, Mother. He's not going to be in my life. He doesn't need to know about the baby." She then turned to her two old crewmates. "I assume I can count on your discretion?" She spoke with just a touch of 'Captain' in her voice.

"Is he someone at the Academy?" B'Elanna asked, sympathetically. "We don't see the faculty that much, but we won't say anything." Tom had a look of deep thought on his face.

"When are you due?" he asked.

"In three weeks." She didn't like the look on Tom's face, like he was doing math in his head.

"Is it a boy or a girl?" B'Elanna asked, the shared excitement that only women who are mothers can feel, showing on her face.

"It's a girl." Kathryn smiled and laid her hand on her abdomen tenderly. The three women continued to chat animatedly about pregnancy and childbirth.

"It's Chakotay's baby, isn't it?" Tom broke in abruptly. The silence that ensued was deafening.

"Tom!" B'Elanna said, aghast, "what the hell are you thinking?" She looked prepared to read him the riot act until she saw Kathryn's face. She was ashen.

"Well, you aren't stupid. Of course you would have figured it out... that's why I left." She appeared to be talking half to herself. "Please don't tell anyone. I didn't want him to know. I didn't want to ruin his marriage."

"Well--" exactly what B'Elanna thought of men who cheat on one friend and get another one pregnant were all too obvious even in that one word, before Tom cut her off.

"If that's what you want, Captain."

"Thank you, Tom. It really is for the best." She wished she believed that herself.

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She felt tears prick her eyelids, as she heard the distinctive wail of a newborn baby, and she felt her entire body go limp with exhaustion.

"You've got a beautiful little girl," said the doctor, who had cared for the Janeway family for as long as she could remember. He plopped the infant up on her chest, and covered her with a blanket. Kathryn reached up a light hand, and gently caressed the infant's dark hair. "Do you have a name?"

"Yes, Kaya. Kaya Elizabeth." Kaya. The "k" is for me, and the "ay" is for him. The baby opened squinty dark eyes then, and Kathryn was struck by her resemblance to her father. It was breathtaking, but, at the same time, filled her with dread. Fuzzy dark hair stood out from Kaya's head, her skin was dusky, and her eyes were so dark that the pupils couldn't be seen. There appeared to be nothing of her in the baby. Anyone from Voyager who sees her is going to know. She felt as if her life was slowly but irrevocably snowballing out of her control. What am I going to do? People are going to see me, are going to see her. What am I going to do?

Tom and B'Elanna were among the first visitors, and they had Commander Kim in tow. She was surprised, but pleased to see Harry. She had to get used to the fact that friends and acquaintances would eventually have to know about her new daughter. Harry stepped closer, with a tender smile on his face, and peered around the edge of the blanket at the infant.

"Oh wow! I mean she really..." Harry floundered and stopped speaking. Kathryn looked grim; his reaction had been instantaneous, and anyone else who had known Chakotay would be the same way.

"It's okay, Harry," she smiled tiredly. "She does look like him, doesn't she?" She slumped, as if she carried a physical burden. She had already vowed that she would not destroy Chakotay's marriage. She would just have to raise Kaya alone, and hope that no one asked too many questions.