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Unbidden

"But I want to know how it turns into a butterfly!" The four year old demanded in a petulant treble. Kathryn could not hold back her laughter, as her daughter's brows furrowed over her dark eyes. While in looks, she was Chakotay's daughter in every way, in personality, she was Kathryn made over. The budding scientist within her had never been content with simple childish explanations of things.

"I understand that, sweetheart, but if I explain it to you, we'll be late for your transport, and you'll miss seeing Miral." Miral Paris was a little over 18 months older than Kaya, but they were fast friends. Kaya had a forceful little persona for one so young, and Miral was both feisty and easygoing, an odd combination embodying both of her parents.

"Hurry, Mommy," Kaya's tune changed immediately, and she tugged on Kathryn's hand. They headed across the pasture back to their Indiana home. She kept up a running flow of chatter as they walked. Miral was nearly six. Miral would be going to "big" school in the fall. Miral was old enough to ride the "upside down" ride at the amusement park. Miral had her very own kitten. Miral.... In this vein, they made it back to the house, where Kaya ran and grabbed her packed suitcase.

"Kaya, we're not leaving for another hour. We are going to eat supper before we go." Kaya was so anxious, she barely touched her plate, but Kathryn let it pass. How many times, even recently, had she foregone eating in the pursuit of some goal, the completion of some project? She had just returned from a presentation to the Vulcan Science Directorate, and was looking forward to some much needed time off... two whole weeks out at the Paris homestead in California. She was pleased with the way she had been keeping herself busy, even though she was only on the adjunct faculty of the Academy. She had affiliations with Starfleet, but had independence and freedom of movement, and no one but her close friends really knew about Kaya. Often, those who knew of her, had never actually seen her.

In a perverse way, she was pleased at her efforts at secrecy. The last she had heard, Chakotay and Seven were still on Dorvan, and they were still married. She allowed herself to attribute this success as solely of her own doing. It was small compensation, she admitted, for loving a man who could never be hers, and for raising his child without a father. She sipped the last of her coffee as she contemplated, and realized it was time to go. Kaya bounced out of her chair as if warp-propelled.

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"Kathryn! Kaya!" B'Elanna cried when she saw them at the door. She would have said that Klingons didn't squeal, but her human heritage made sure she was close to it.

"Hi, Aunt Lanna," Kaya used the childish derivative that all the Paris nieces and nephews used. "Where's Miral?"

"Well, at least my existence was acknowledged!" B'Elanna said in an aside to her former commanding officer.

"That should make you feel good," Kathryn replied wryly.

"She's in the playroom waiting for you. She could hardly wait to show you her new game." B'Elanna answered Kaya's question next. The little girl hurried down the hall, and they heard Tom's voice call out

"Hey there, Kaya!"

"Hey Uncle Tom, I'm going to find Miral." She piped out uselessly.

"Well, it's good of you to do something different this time," he answered, and the two women exchanged amused glances.

"So, how'd it go on Vulcan?" B'Elanna asked.

"Pretty well, actually. The research was well-received, and I got to spend a week with Tuvok and T'Pel. I would swear that they were actually disappointed that Kaya didn't come with me."

"Well, who wouldn't be? I mean, she's a doll. I wish Miral were half as polite, and as for Jonathan..." she trailed off at the mention of her hell- raising two year old son. "Well, he looks like Tom, and he acts like the worst parts of Tom and me combined. It's like Kahless said, 'let's give her the child most likely to send her straight to Gre'thor by the fastest route possible'. And we got Jonathan." Despite her negative commentary, Kathryn knew that Tom and B'Elanna both loved their little towhead not in spite of his whirlwhind personality, but more because of it.

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The doorchime rang halfway through dinner. In fact, it had sounded twice before anyone heard it, due to the volume of the animated conversations going on. The entire extended Paris family, complete with Tom's parents, sisters, brothers-in-law, 2 nieces, and 3 nephews, were all present, plus Tom, B'Elanna, Miral, Jonathan, and then Kathryn and Kaya.

B'Elanna hastily wiped her mouth on her napkin, and hurried to the front door. Kathryn heard murmured voices, but her mind was chiefly on her conversation with Owen and Tom Paris. She also had one eye on Kaya, to make sure nothing untoward occurred. The children, apart from exponentially increasing each other's hyperactivity, were being fairly well- behaved.

When B'Elanna re-entered the room, however, her face was so pale, that conversation in the dining room stopped immediately. "Tom," she said shakily, with a forced smile, "look who surprised us!"

Chakotay and Seven entered the room. There was no sound. Tom watched the blood drain from Kathryn's face. He stood.

"Hey, it's great to see you. Kids, why don't you all go in the kitchen, and get your desserts. You can eat them on the deck... how about that?" There was widespread agreement, and the eight children noisily exited.

Kathryn sat motionless at her end of the table, hoping that in the mass exodus, Kaya had not been noticed. Chakotay alone, she might have been able to deal with, but not with both of them. The tension level in the room was sky-high, and Chakotay and Seven understandably seemed bewildered by it.

"Don't tell me all of those are yours, B'Ela," Chakotay joked. B'Elanna's spine was rigid.

"No, Tom's sisters get some of the credit," she managed a mostly natural sounding laugh.

"Don't you have a little boy now?" he asked.

"Yes, Jonathan. He's two, and he is Tom's parents' revenge on Tom." B'Elanna was starting to calm down now. Chakotay laughed heartily at her reply, and Kathryn felt her heart melt at the musical sound.

"Yes, honey, because we all know what an angel you were growing up," Tom said sweetly. B'Elanna gave him a death look. Seven asked Tom something then, which caused Tom and Admiral Paris to begin bickering spiritedly. Kathryn didn't hear any of it, because Chakotay's eyes had wandered to meet hers.

His eyes darkened as he met her gaze, and she felt her blood pound in her ears. This is ridiculous! His wife is standing right in front of me. It would be obvious to a child the way I feel. Get control of yourself, Kathryn! His eyes were burning into hers, and she could feel that he wanted to speak with her alone. She couldn't allow that.

"Excuse me," she blurted, and rose abruptly. "Let me go check on the kids for you."

"Thanks, Kathryn," B'Elanna chirped out, as if that were something Kathryn did often. Kathryn beat a hasty retreat from the dining room.

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The night was pleasant, and the sky was star-studded. The children were mostly quiet, as they happily stuffed their faces with some kind of fruit cobbler and ice cream. She stood there for a moment watching them. Kaya appeared to be handling her fork quite adroitly, except for a trickle of ice cream dripping down her chin. Kathryn watched her try to rectify the situation with her tongue, and couldn't help but smile. If he sees her.... Kaya looked up then, and waved her fork happily.

"Hi Mommy. Miral said Aunt 'Lanna made this, and it's really good." There was a slight hint of amazement in her voice, and Kathryn laughed in spite of herself. B'Elanna's cooking ability, or lack thereof, was nearly as legendary as her own.

"Well, eat it up, sweetheart. We're going to have to go to bed soon."

"But we always get to stay up late here. It's hardly even dark yet." Kaya began to whine at the thought of missed privileges.

"Kaya, what did I tell you about whining?"

"You can't hear me when I whine," Kaya mumbled sulkily.

"You can stay up late tomorrow night. Now finish your dessert," she turned around, knowing someone would probably come looking for her soon, and walked right into the wall of Chakotay's chest. The color disappeared from her face so fast, Chakotay grabbed her upper arm, sure she was going to faint.

"Y-You scared me. I didn't hear you," she managed to stammer. She looked up at him then, but he was no longer looking at her.

"I came out here to see Miral," he explained needlessly, staring over her head. Kaya, she knew instantly. He swallowed, and she saw his Adam's apple bob convulsively. He forced his gaze back to hers.

"You have a child?" He asked simply. She nodded, not trusting herself to speak. Her heart was pounding so loud that surely he could hear it. The light was dim, with Kaya's face in shadows as she ate her dessert. Jonathan Paris's hair glowed almost white in the moonlight, but the other children were hard to distinguish. He doesn't know, she realized, but also knew that would change if he saw her in decent light.

Chakotay's face was tense, as if he didn't know quite how to proceed. He could not fault Kathryn for getting involved with someone, and he certainly had no claim on her, no reason to be jealous, but ... "What's her name?"

"Kaya Elizabeth." Kathryn replied. She clasped her shaking hands behind her back.

"She's beautiful," he said sincerely.

"She's my angel." Kathryn said, smiling.

"Kathryn," he paused and turned to face her. "I'm so glad you found someone. I – I never wanted anything as much as I wanted you to be happy."

"Chakotay, I am happy." She said honestly, but did not correct his assumption. "How are you? And Seven?"

"As well as can be expected." He sighed heavily. "I guess I can't complain."

"Any changes, with regard to children?" She asked delicately. He shook his head.

"No, the doctors have told us that it is highly unlikely that she would ever carry a child to term. They've actually advised us to stop trying, in the interests of her health. So we're back on boosters. Not that we were..." he trailed off, as he realized to whom he was speaking. "Spirits, Kathryn, I'm sorry." He stared off into space for a moment, the soft murmur of children's voices punctuating the silence. "Is your husband here with you?" He asked abruptly.

"I'm actually – I'm not – " She floundered a little, and he thought he had embarrassed her.

"I'm sorry, I just assumed... is her father here? I'd like to meet him."

Of course he assumed...she chastised herself, he knows Kathryn Janeway is not one to get into light relationships. Her eyes slid closed for a moment. How am I going to get out of this?

"He couldn't get away from work," the lie tripped from her lips before she could stop it. Digging it deeper, Kathryn? A voice chided. They stood there in awkward silence for a long moment. The children chattered in the background.

He took a step forward, his hand raised, as if he would touch her cheek. "Kathryn..." he said, and in his voice was a plea.

"Chakotay?" He checked his forward motion immediately, as he heard the placid precise tones of his wife. As he turned back toward the house, where Seven was silhouetted in light pouring from the back door, his eyes burned into Kathryn's briefly.

"What is it, Ani?" He pronounced it Ah-ni, and the innocent use of a pet name stabbed Kathryn like a blade.

"We must hurry if we are to make the transport to your sister's house in Arizona," she stated. She noticed Kathryn over Chakotay's shoulder, and added, "It was nice to see you again, Captain. We are planning to stop back by before returning to Dorvan. Perhaps we can chat then."

Perhaps I'd rather be shot point-blank with a phaser rifle, Kathryn thought snarkily, then felt ashamed of herself. Seven's social skills had vastly improved over the last 5 years. And you've already screwed her husband, the least you can do is talk to her if she wants to.

"Perhaps so," Kathryn said, ignoring the waves of guilt that assailed her.

"It was good talking to you, Kathryn," Chakotay said cordially, his eyes belying the casualness of his words. She nodded, smiling that crooked half- smile that he loved.

They re-entered the house then, and Kathryn could hear them making their good-byes to the Parises. She sagged in relief. She yearned for him, but his absence was easier to handle than his unavailable presence.