Redeeming of the Soul
Right, left, right...up the stairs, around the corner, into the room, behind the curtain, two more lefts...yes, I knew the way well. I could never forget, it's ensnared in my memory. I go here when I can't stand things, when they become more than I can handle. It's my secret place that only I and another know about. It's not even on the Marauder's Map.
I found it that day. The day that I found out they knew. They knew and I ran. I have always been one for running. Cowardly, yes I will admit it, I have been cowardly. I entered our room, all three of them were there. Talking quietly, I knew something was wrong. I shut the door behind me, and sat down on my bed. They told me they knew everything, all my lies and excuses. They told me while wearing solemn faces, they told me that they knew my secrets. I panicked, like I tend to do. And then I ran. I ran as fast as my legs would carry me, and they carried me here, to my special place.
Of course, when I came back they told me that they hadn't finished. They didn't care what I was. I had been prepared to move out and go home, but they sat no, that they wouldn't let me. They understood. No that's a lie, they didn't understand completely. They choose to overlook it because they loved me, but they didn't understand. I was thankful anyway.
That was three years ago, in my fourth year. They later did more for me than I deserve and I know it. But now I was stressed and confused and scared. I was frightened and I needed to run. So I came here, where I could be alone, or so I thought.
He was here. The only one who knew about my special place. I had showed him once. Well no I really hadn't, he had followed me here once when he was worried about me, so I had no choice, but in the end I was glad to share it with someone. He is here now, but unwontedly so. He is the cause of my pain and grief this time, he is the reason I have to run.
He sits there, not saying a word or moving a muscle. All I can do is stare at him staring at me. I want to scream at him, to tell him that I hate him, to let him know how low he has made me feel. He looks at me, like he is trying to read me. I don't let him in. He knows that what he had is gone. He used to own a part of me, he used to be able to reach into my soul and he tell everything that was on my mind. But I have taken that right away from him. It is no longer his. It is no longer anyone's.
He's hurt and he deserves it. He is saying my name now. It softly leaves his lips and hangs in the air. I don't reply. He makes a move to stand up but I stop him with my eyes.
"Don't." I say firmly, coldly. 'Don't move, don't speak, don't ask for my forgiveness, you won't get it,' my stare finishes my sentence. He looks defeated and sad. 'Good.' I think. I want him to hurt like I hurt. I want him to feel the pain and despair that I feel. I want to be the cause of his pain like he is the cause of mine. I want to own him and have nothing to do with him, I want to punish him and push him away, I want to hate him and forget about him. I tell him all this with one icy glare.
He's getting angry now, angry like me. He stands up stiffly, and waits for me to talk. What does he think I am going to say? That I forgive him, that I have moved on already? I don't think so.
"Remus..." he starts again. "I don't want to hear what you have to say!" I practically scream at him. He is coming toward me now. Before I can stop him, his hands are pinning me against the wall. He had fire in his eyes and sweat starting to dampen his upper lip.
"No, you are going to shut the hell up and listen to what I have to say for once!" He is really angry now. I close my eyes and try to shut him out. 'Don't listen, don't listen, don't listen.' I repeat over and over in my head.
"Remus, I know I screwed up! I know what I did was wrong and inconsiderate and stupid beyond all belief! I know that you don't want to forgive me and I know I don't deserve it but please Remus, at least hear what I have to say before you just proceed on with your life like I never even existed." His hold on my shoulders hasn't weakened and I am sure that his fingers are forming small bruises on my back. I refuse to look at him and instead stare at the ground, but I do stop my violent struggle to escape.
"Remus, when you asked me why I did what I did, I couldn't tell you. Not then, I didn't really know then. But I know now. I betrayed you because...because I was jealous." I think that is a crap excuse but when I go to tell him so he promptly covers my mouth with his hand.
"Don't say anything. I know that's not good enough but at least let me finish. Remus I was jealous of what Snape and you had. You have always been nicer to him, for ungodly reasons unknown to me, but I always thought that it was just your compassionate nature. But then, one day I was going to the library to find you for dinner, and you know what I find Remus? You know what I see in front of my very eyes. I see you and Snape kissing! Fucking kissing Remus! Why, I asked myself. Why did he choose that greasy, no-good moron? Why couldn't he have picked me?
I have a quick intake of breath but his hand is still covering my mouth so all my senses are filled him with. The smell of him, his scent filling up my nostrils and making my head spin. The taste of him, his hand is sweating and I can't breathe, but every time I open my mouth all I get is the taste and flavor of his hand. It's intoxicating, and now it seems not that he is pinning me against the wall but actually supporting me.
"Remus, I was so sad. I couldn't understand what he had to offer you that you couldn't get from me, I couldn't understand that you just didn't love me. So the next day when I was going to Potions and I heard him telling his bastard Slytherin friends that he had got you, something snapped. He told them that you were nothing but a little whore. That he didn't even have to do anything to make you want him, to make you love him. I couldn't believe what I was hearing Remus! I couldn't believe what an asshole he was. I couldn't let him stand there and talk about you like that."
"So I attacked him Remus. I just went crazy. I jumped him and beat him to the ground. I just kept hitting him, over and over again. If the others hadn't pulled me off, I probably would have killed him." Sirius looks scared now. He has turned a shade whiter at the memory of it. His hands are starting to shake and I am shuddering, whether from his shaking hands or from my shivering, I'm not sure.
"Remus, they got me off him, and he started in again. Saying that you were a whore and I was nothing but pathetic for defending you. He said that you didn't even really like me, that you hated me, you had told him so. He told me that you said I was desperate for your affection and that you found it pathetic. He asked me if I even knew where you went every month. He told me that you had told him, because you liked him, and that I probably didn't even know that. And that's when it happened Remus, the stupidest thing I have ever done. I told him that I knew you went to the Whomping Willow every month."
I can see tears streaming down his face now, they flow freely down and onto his chin. I am dazed and instead of comprehending everything he has just told me, I am thinking about how I have never seen him cry. I think about all the times he came to me in the middle of the night, after I had had a nightmare. I am remembering how he would crawl into my bed and wrap his arms around me and tell me that everything would be all right. I can still smell him, I can feel his hands on my shoulders, on my back. He is staggering now and I am not sure who is supporting who. I can feel him lean against me, his body heat overtaking mine and making me warm. Somehow in the middle of his confession my arms made their way to his chest. I have a death grip on his shirt and I'm not sure whether it's to push him away or pull him closer.
"Remus, I would have never done it if I had thought for just one second. If I could turn back time and do it all over, I would Remus, in a second. If I could give up my life just to make that go away, Remus, I promise you I would. I don't know how to make you understand just how sorry I am. I don't know how to let you know that it was the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life. I want you to know that I love you. I understand if you don't love me, I understand that you may never talk to me again after this moment, but Remus if I didn't tell you then I would have regretted it for the rest of my life."
He is almost sobbing now, and I realize that I am too. When had those tears starting to go down my cheeks? When had my arms wrapped around him and embraced him? When had he stolen my heart? When had I fallen in love with Sirius Black?
My head instinctively goes to the crook of his neck, where it rests and my tears mix with his that have fallen off his face. And suddenly both our legs give out, from the all the tension, from all the emotion taking its toll on us, I'm not sure. But we are huddled on the floor. I don't know where my limbs end and where his begin. And both of us are crying and shuddering, and breathing each other in. I get my as much breath as I can muster and let out a deep sigh.
"I never chose Snape. He asked me if I would help him with Charms and then he just attacked me! I never even saw it coming. It was disgusting, I wanted to gag myself. I could have killed him but I didn't want to cause a seen so I just told him that if he ever pulled a stunt like that ever again, he would regret it. Sirius, how could you ever think that I could choose him, when everything that I need is just a bed away?"
He is looking at me, searching my face for honesty. He looks into my eyes, yearning to see that I am serious. "You mean it? You really want me? You honestly want me after everything that I did?" He says these things quietly, as though he is afraid that if he says them to loud, they may be true.
"No, I was talking about Peter." For a split second, his face falls and he looks utterly defeated, until he sees my eyes shining for him, and my teasing smirk. His face relaxes and we lay there for what seems like an eternity. We had been torn apart for 3 months, by this stupid incident. Three months without your best friend, you're most loyal companion, three months without being able to touch, even small ones made to look like accident, the person that you love. I realize now just how unbearable it had been.
I don't know if I have completely forgiven him, but this seems like a good way to start. When he broke my trust, he broke my heart. But in the end, it was just that, broken. Not shattered, not gone, just temporarily out of order. And broken hearts heal with time.