Special thanks to Purple Evenleaf, who pointed out that it was, in fact, Isildur, and not Elendil, who refused to throw the ring into Mount Doom. I did know that, I swear it. But for some reason I kept hearing Elrond yelling "Elendil!" instead of "Isildur!" And don't worry. Arwen is coming up soon.
BILL
You may or may not have heard of me. The name's Pony. Bill Pony. And I am a secret agent. The things I'm about to tell you have never before been heard by a mortal. Come to think of it, I don't think the elves have heard them either. Except maybe for Galadriel. She's crazy-smart.
Okay, I admit, I may be hyping up my role in the slightest. But what else is there to say? I'm just a pony, who gets dragged along to carry the fellowship's things, conveniently disappears on Caradhras, gets sent home at Moria, and was loved by a hobbit named Sam. Before that, I was owned by some creepy guy, who they didn't even bother with in the movie.
But I do know secrets. You'd be amazed what people will say when they don't think the pony can understand them. For instance, did you know that Sam is madly in love with Frodo? Okay, yeah, everyone knows that. That wasn't exactly juicy, was it?
Here, this one is better: Legolas, Mr. Beauty Queen himself, is deathly afraid of baths. It's true! He likes to swim, and he likes soap, but when you mix the water and the soap together, he'll run screaming.
And Gimli? When nobody's looking, he pretends he's a girl. He braids his hair, and talks in a high-pitched voice, and practices walking with grace. One night, he even cut of bits of Legolas' hair and made it into a wig. I don't know what was funnier. The fact that Legolas never noticed, or the look on his face when he found the wig.
Aragorn really digs men. He said when he met Arwen, he was at a confused stage in his life, and didn't really know who he was at that time. So he got really drunk one night, and swore his love to her, and now he can't get rid of her... it doesn't quite fit though, because I know he and Legolas are shagging, and Legolas isn't exactly what you'd call a manly man.
Boromir slept with a frog. He caught it right after we left Rivendell. He named it George, and apparently it was his good luck charm, or something. Anyway, he was deathly afraid to lose it. He slept with it in his hand, and when we were moving he kept it in his sock. But then it got away on him, and he keeps swearing that he's going to die before his birthday. He's really nuts.
Gandalf is actually senile. I don't think he has the first clue what he's doing. I'm pretty sure that the only reason he has any clue wear he's going is that Aragorn is carefully giving him cleverly disguised, subtle hints. Actually, I'm beginning to think I should have warned someone about this. I don't think he's entirely safe. He's still convinced that he's some great wonderful wizard that can take on anything. He's going to get himself killed by a demon monster or something.
Frodo is really a blond. I saw him dying his hair one night. He said that it's not that he has anything against blonds; it's just that, well... we've all seen Legolas.
Merry and Pippin are actually the pre-reincarnations of famous people. Nobody knows. Late at night, they sit up and have these deep discussions about the future. Merry is going to be reincarnated as Nostradamus, and Pippin is actually Albert Einstein and Shakespeare. They were the same person. Come on, you didn't believe that those two could actually be that stupid? They're not wood elves.
I know things. If you ever need any information dug up, call me. Like I said, the name's Pony. Bill Pony.