As we ate the frozen pizza Pendanski fed us, the other boys asked him about his life. It occured to me that I never wondered about him much. He was always just sort of.......there.
"Well, my parents divorced when I was ten. My younger sister, Edie, and I lived with our father. Our mother wanted it that way." He told us, passing me another piece of pizza.
"How come?" Armpit asked.
Zero looked up with intrest, probably just as eager to know more about the man who was supposed to be helping us find ourselves.
"She was more into her career than into being a wife and mother. I suppose that's what contributed to their divorce in the first place, not that I'm suggesting that she couldn't or shouldn't have a career."
"Where did you grow up?" Magnet asked, sipping some of the root-beer Pendanski had gave us. (Wow, pizza and soda! All in the same day!)
"My family had a manor about twenty miles outside of Galveston. I lived in the same house my whole life. Well, that is until I went off to college." He answered.
"What did your Daddy do?" I asked. Since everyone else was badgering him with questions, and he was freely answering them, I figured I could ask some too.
"He was a corporate attorney. My mother taught Drama-Speech at a local University." He revealed. "I saw her often, more so after I went to college."
"Are they both dead?" I asked.
"My mother is. My father is at an adult residency now. He suffers from Alzheimer's disease. You all know what that is?"
"You forget everything." Zigzag said.
"What a good idea." Magent quipped. Everyone stopped eating and looked at him. He shrugged. "If we could forget everything, and start over like a blank tape, I mean."
"You don't have to forget the past." Dr. Pendanski said softly. "What you have to learn to do is handle it, live with it, put it in perspective, and keep it from permitting you to have a future.
"After all, that's what you're here to do." He concluded.
No one responded. We just kept eating, each of us hoping he was right. Maybe we could each have real futures, not just the lives of criminals. As we ate, I looked around at Pendanski's office. I'd been in it many times, but something caught my eye in the corner. Something I'd never noticed before.
"Mom, what's up with that painting?" I asked. Pendanski looked to where I was pointing, and smiled.
"Is this the first time you've noticed that, Alan?"
"Yeah." I said.
"Hey, me too." X-Ray told me. "I never noticed that before either, Mom. Will you bring it over here so we can look at it?"
"Of course." Pendanski brought the picture over to us, and the other boys all gathered around for a look at it.
It was a painting of a little girl, about seven or eight, standing by a pond and looking at her own reflection in the water.
"My father liked this one a great deal, too." Dr. Pendanski told us. "He told me that to him it was as if the little girl realized for the first time that she was really beautiful."
"That's not supposed to be the first time she'd seen herself, is it?" I asked.
"I don't think so, no."
"Maybe no one told her she was pretty, so she thought she wasn't." X-Ray said, tracing his finger down one side of the canvas.
"Yeah, and she didn't hope otherwise." Zig added.
"Maybe they told her she wasn't pretty and she knew they were liars." Zero injterjected with more anger in his voice than I'd ever heard. I looked at him quickly. His teeth were clenched and it looked like he had tiny candles behind his eyes.
"Does the painting have a name?" Caveman asked, trying to change the subject.
"It's called, Reflections in a pond." Pendansk replied.
"That's it?"
"Sometimes, things are nothing more than what they appear."
"If that were the case all the time, you'd be out of a job." Magnet quipped.
Dr. Pendanski laughed. I mean, he really roared. It brought a smile to our faces. It almost made me feel light and happy, and I didn't want to return to my story. But, that was what we were there to do, and anyway, everyone expected it.
Pendanski looked at me. "Everyone appears to be finished. Ready to continue?"
I nodded. "I guess I am.
"I know I keep saying that everything got worse after this and everything got worse after that, so you're all probably thinking things were as bad as they could get, but they weren't. It got worse again after Momma got a boyfriend.
"I knew she was going out with different men, but she'd never brought anyone home with her before Jason Everson. He was someone new to the neighbourhood and to One Eyed Sam's, which is where they met, of course.
"I gotta say that I never thought Momma was faithful to Daddy when they were together anyway. When ever Daddy went off on a job that took a few days, I had the feeling Momma was with someone. She'd never admit it to me, of course, but you hear things, on the street or whatever, and you could pick up on it, if you wanted to be smart enough.
"Momma'd be with me, and we'd meet up with one of her One Eyed Sam girlfriends, and they'd get to talking and laughing, and I could read between the lines that Momma went off with some guy, maybe just to his car behind the bar or something. I was worried that she'd get a disease or pregnant with some other man's baby, but I was afraid to say anything.
"If I looked suspicious or surprised, she'd just ay 'You know Nancy was just fooling. She don't mean half of what she says, Alan. Don't you go saying anything to your Daddy or to Granny, hear?'
"If I didn't answer, she'd slap me on the arm or shoulder till I turned to her and cried 'What?'
"'When I'm talking to you, I expect an answer. You understand what I said to you?'
"'Yes!' I'd cry.
"'Well, I don't need you making no trouble for me. I have enough as it is.' She'd say and then she'd mumble the rest of the way home.
"I know it sounds like we never had any mother-child talks like you probably did with your mothers, but we did. Not so much towards the end, but before things got so bad that I couldn't stand to look at her, much less talk to her."
I paused and turned to Zig.
"I remember once, when you were talking about your own parents divorce. You asked how people who were supposedly in love could suddenly hate each other so much. What happened to all the nice things they said to each other, and the nice things they did together? I thought about that too, and then one day, when Momma was sober enough and being nice to Ronnie, I asked her something like that.
'You loved Daddy once, right, Momma?'
"'Yeah, so?' She said.
"'I just wondered why you stopped is all.' I said. I didn't wanna spoil her good mood, so I spoke quietly and looked down quickly.
"'Because he's not the man I fell in love with' She said. 'He fooled me is what happened. When we were first going together, he would tell me how different he was and how different things were gonna be for us. We're not gonna be like those poor drifting folks around us, he said. We're gonna build a real home for our family.
"'He was gonna have his own company and I'd be a lady of style. I'd have my own car to drive and we'd have a nice house, and on and on he'd go, spinning his web of lies. He tricked me real good, that's what he did. I gave myself to him, expecting him to live up to his promises. Every single one of them turned out to be a lot of hot air. When I asked him about all of it, he told me to be patient.
"'I'm growing old being patient.' I told him. Then he'd clam up and pretend I wasn't in the room. You know how he was when he got like that. It was impossible to talk to him. You've seen him.'
"'Maybe he was trying.' I risked saying. She didn't get mad, she just laughed.
"'Yeah, look at the palace he built for us. Men' She said. 'Are natural born liars. You can't believe one of 'em.' She looked down at Ronnie, who was playing in the floor, and then at me, sitting in a chair beside her. "Oh sure, they're cute as little boys, even at your age, then they hit their mid-teens, and their little thing takes over, and run their lives.'
"I knew what she was saying, but I couldn't quite believe she was saying it. I was nearly twelve by then, but I still didn't know much about sex. Momma just figured I'd learn about it the way she did, from friends. I guess when your hormones scream, it was just all suppose to pop in your head, and you'd know what to do, and what not to do. Most guys didn't know what not to do," I said. "At least, most of the ones I knew."
"My parents didn't exactly offer me any advice." Magnet said.
"Excuse me?"
"You know, wisdom...and stuff. I learned it all from my brother."
"Oh. Well, we learned most of it from the school nurse. She gave the girls....um.....sanitary napkins. I knew what they were, because I'd seen Momma use them. I remember, I started getting stomach cramps around that time. It was strange, because I thought only girls got them and I wasn't a girl.
"Once, in class, I got one so bad, it doubled me over. The nurse had to come down to the classroom and help me up to her office. I heard the other kids in my class laughing at me, but I was in so much pain, I didn't care. The nurse told me that stress can cause cramps, then she made me lie down with a heating pad. She called my house, and told Momma about me.
"'Well, what am I suppose to do about it?' Momma asked. The nurse told her she'd have to come get me. Momma told her she couldn't because Ronnie was home sick, but I knew that was a big fat lie. I thought she must of been drinking with someone, because Ronnie had been fine that morning. The nurse ended up driving me home, and I discovered that I was right.
"That was the first time I met Jason Everson. The music was loud. They were drinking gin and tonic. Momma was wearing only her slip. When Momma saw that I had entered, she stopped dancing with Jason, wobbled a little, and laughed.
"'This here's my oldest son, Alan. He's almost a man.' She lifted her glass. 'Let's toast to his happy days.'
I didn't take much of a look a Jason that first time. I was so embarrassed about the whole situation, I just ran to my room and slammed the door. I heard them laughing and drinking. When Ronnie came home from Kindergarden, they were in Momma's bedroom. I went out to the living room to get him, and brought him back to my room. He was crying that he needed to use the bathroom, so I had to let him out. He heard Momma laughing, so he went to her room. The sight of her with a man in her bed just put a freeze in him.
"Ronnie ain't only shy. When he gets frightened or upset, he has a hard time talking and he starts stuttering. It almost sounds like he's choking on a bone or something. I just grabbed his hand and pulled him back to my room.
"'She's drinking again. We have to wait here till it's over, okay?' I told him.
"It was like waiting in the celler while a tornado passed through. I tried to keep him occupied, you know, playing games and reading him stories, but everytime we heard her laugh, or something hit against the wall or floor, we both froze. I knew Ronnie was afraid of the new man in Momma's arms, but I didn't know anything more about Jason Everson than he did at the time.
"I prayed that it would all end soon, but it went on and on allafternoon, till Momma finally passed out and Jason left the apartment. I heard the front door open then close, and I inched out of my room, leaving Ronnie behind. I looked in on Momma. She was naked, facedown on her bed, snoring away.
"My cramps hurt so bad, I could barely move around the kitchen. I was trying to fix Ronnie something to eat, but I finally just ghave up and made him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He was still to scared to eat much anyway.
"He fell asleep in my bed that night, and I let him stay there. I tried to sleep on the floor, but my stomach was hurting so bad, I couldn't even go to sleep. I just walked around, trying to ease the pain. Some time very late, I heard Momma get up and bang around in the kitchen. I heard her cuss and run some water. Then she went back to bed, and she was still sleeping in the morning when I got up to get Ronnie ready for school.
"I felt like I'd been punched a bunch of times in the stomach. I ached right down the back of my legs and I was in a bad mood myself, so when Momma stuck her head out and demanded to know what the hell was going on, I shouted back at her.
"'What do you think is going on? It's morning and Ronnie slept in my room last night because of your carrying on with that man!' I yelled.
"She blinked like she was trying to remember if she had or not then she got mad at me for yelling, and she screaming back.
'I ain't got rid of that man you call your Daddy just to have you sassin' me! Don't you go lecturing me, boy, you hear? You don't open your mouth.'
"Yeah, well, you need to keep yours closed." I shot back, and she looked like her eyes were gonna explode in her head. She started across the room to slap me, only I wasn't gonna take it anymore. I'd had enough pain the previous night and I wasn't gonna take anymore of it, so I pushed a chair in her path. She tripped over it. It stunned her and she just lay there on the floor, staring up at me.
"Ronnie was in a bad state now. He wasn't just shaking and stuttering anymore, he was trembling so hard, I actually heard his teeth chatter. I pushed him up and out of the apartment, took his hand, and walked him to school. I forgot everything: my books, money(what little I had)my homework, everything."
"Oh no." Armpit groaned.
"Yeah." I said. "So after I dropped Ronnie off, I had to sneak back into the house and get them. Momma was back in bed with a cold rag over her face. She didn't even hear me. By the time I got to school, I was late, so they sent me to the assistant principal, Mr. Hofmane. He wanted to put me in detention because I had a record of tardiness that stretched from one side of his office to the other. That's what he told me.
"I told him I couldn't stay, that I had to be home for my little brother. He said that if i didn't stay, I'd be in even worse trouble, and that my mother would have to take care of my brother. That's when I guess I went a little nuts. That was the first time."
Even thought I'd had plenty to eat for lunch, my stomach had a empty feeling in it. I took a deep breath, and sat back, closing my eyes.
"I hate remembering that day, but I hate being afraid of the memory even more. Anyway, Mr. Hofmane threatened me again, and I just started yelling and slapping my legs. It felt good, like I was unloading all this weight. I guess he'd never seen anything like it before, because he went running for the nurse. She came back with him. By that time, I was grabbing my hair and shaking my head so hard, I could feel my neck twisting to the point of snapping. The nurse put her arms around me and tried to hold me.
"'Call the paramedics!' She ordered the assistant principal. I did calm down some, but I couldn't stop gasping. I had these really painful hiccups too. The paramedics came in and got me to lie down on a stretcher. They buckled me in and wheeled me out. There was a bunch of kids watching, but I didn't care. I passed out in the ambulance.
"I woke up several hours later, to this doctor. He told me that there was nothing physically wrong with me, it was emtional. He recommended that I see the hospital psychologist.'You have some heavy personal problems.' He said. I remember thinking that he looked too young to be a doctor. He told Momma the same thing he'd told me, when she finally showed up.
"She was more angry than worried because it cost her two cab fares, one down there, and one back. From what I could tell, she didn't remember what had happened that morning. She told the young doctor that I was fine, I didn't need to see a psychologist, and that there wasn't money for things like that anyway.
"So I went home with her, and went to bed. She fed Ronnie dinner, and I woke up to them moving his stuff in my room. Momma pretended that she was doing it for my good, but really it was because she wanted to bring Jason home with her, and he didn't want a kid in the same room.
Momma went off to her job like nothing had happened. Ronnie didn't understand why I'd been in the hospital, but he was happy I was home and to be in my room, staying as close to me as possible. I thought maybe, just maybe, things would start to get easier now.
"I was never so wrong in my life."