"Things didn't get any easier. I still got those stomach cramps and Jason was there alot more than I wanted him to be. The more Momma did with him, the less she did for Ronnie and me, not that she did much do begin with. There were times when we hardly had anything to eat, and I'd have to go to her to get some money. She tried having an account at the Spanish grocery on our block, but when she didn't pay the bill, they stopped letting us charge things.

"Ronnie was eating so much peanut butter he could've made commercials for the company. We were both outgrowing our clothes and shoes left and right, but she didn't even notice unless I pointed it out, then it just griping about how much this and that cost, and where was my good-for-nothing father who sure as hell could make kids, but couldn't care for them?

If Momma was drunk, she could go on for hours. I'd hear her voice in my dreams. I used to think that she was hollering so much, it just stuck to the walls like glue and played itself over and over, till I was sleeping with my hands over my ears or a pillow over my head.

"It's raining pain, I would tell myself. Once, when Momma began one of her frequent tirades, I actually went to the hall closet, got out the old blue umbrella, and opened it, holding it up like a shield between me and her. She went wild, screaming about all the bad luck I was bringing in the house.

"'What about all of it you're bring in?' I shouted back at her. She threw a frying pan at me. It would've hit me too, if I hadn't held the umbrella up again.

"Ronnie started to cry so I picked him up and carried him to our bedroom, slamming the door. I wedged my desk chair underneath the handle like a lock.She followed us and kept yelling for a while, and I held Ronnie and sang to him, petting his hair, anything to keep him from crying. It got harder and harder for me to handle it all, until one day, I did something that helped, something that could really stopped the rain of pain."

"I'd like to hear about that." Magnet said.

"Me too." Zero said, almost under his breath. "What stopped your pain?"

Zigzag had that happy-go-lucky smile on his face, like he knew what I was gonna say.

"I had a baby blanket that Granny made for me before I was born. Daddy called it my magic carpet. That stuck in my head, and when I saw the movie Aladdin, it had a big impact on me."

"So you flew off on your baby blanket?" Magnet asked with disappointment in his eyes.

"I guess I did." I answered.

"What?" Zig said, his smile widening. He looked at Magnet, who shook his head and raised his eyes to the ceiling.

"Go on and laugh, but it worked for me."

"What worked for you?" Magnet demanded. "You not making any sense, Squid."

"I took my blanket and put it on my bed and lay down on it, folded my legs up so they almost touched my stomach. It felt better than way."

"Oh." Magnet said, as if he thought that's what it was: a way to ease my stomach cramps.

"And then I left." I added.

"Left?"

"Yeah, I guess I left in my imagination, but it helped. I saw myself flying up and out my window and out of Austin all together. I went to every place I'd ever dreamed about or saw on T.V and wished I was.

"I flew over oceans, over forests, and over other cities. I actually saw things like I was up high, everything looked like tiny toys. My imaginary trips always took a long time, because when I came back to my bed, an hour or two had passed, but I always felt better.

"I got to where, whenever I was unhappy or Momma made me mad, I'd lay on my blanket. I'd just wonder back to my room, spread the blanket out on my bed, and lay down on it, folding my legs up and closing my eyes. Then I was gone, and I didn't hear anything, not Momma's angry shouts or string of complaints or her sceams at Ronnie. I was gone.

"When I came back I felt like I was a new person. Ronnie would tell me that he shook me, trying to tell me something, but I wouldn't answer, I wouldn't even open my eyes. Once he said he shook me and shook me, for almost five minutes, then he gave up and sat down on the floor, watching me. He said he was watching my face and I was was smiling so hard. He wanted to know why, so I told him I had a really good dream."

"That's all it was, right?" Magnet asked, looking at Dr. Pendanski, "A dream? He didn't really go anywhere."

Pendanski hesitated before responding and looked at me, like he was deciding whether or not to burst my bubble.

"It might have been more than I dream. It could have been a form of meditation." He confessed.

"I don't really know what that is." Zig said. "I thought it was the same as dreaming."

"No. When you dream you're really in a conscious state but the mind is being bombarded by different images that you don't control. Dreams are more or less random. You can deliberately think of things, but after you fall asleep there's no guarantee you'll dream about them. Meditation is a higher form of that. In meditation, you control everything you think of. In Alan's case, he wanted so desperately wanted to leave his surroundings, that's what he did. Only it wasn't in body, but in his mind."

"Can anyone do that?" X-Ray asked.

"Of course." Pendanski answered. "If you concentrate enough, you can do anything you put your mind to."

"I always felt better." I emphasized. The others looked at me with envy. "Sometimes I didn't wanna come back."

"Yes." Pandanski's eyes grew small and dark. "There's always that possiblity. We're here to make sure that doesn't happen, though." He looked at the other boys. "To any of you."

Maybe it was the way he said it, or just the tone of his voice that made me realize how serious this was. It was like we were all walking on the edge of different cliffs, and we could fall(accidentely or purposely)into our own obliviation. The atmosphere in Dr. Pendanski's office suddenly became heavier, each of us lost for a moment or two in our own problems. I didn't really know anyone else's stories, but I could see the terror in their eyes, the same terror that I was sure was shining in mine. I saw concern in Pendanski's eyes, and I remembered what Granny had said to me before I left for Camp Greenlake.

"You're too young to become someone's lost cause, Alan. Ya hear?"

I hear, Granny, I hear. I thought.

"I've heard you say, X-Ray, that after your parents divorced, your Dad started dating someone new, and how you felt about going to see him when you knew she'd be there, and what that was like for you." I started up again. "But at least you had a choice.

"I was around thirteen by now. One afternoon when Ronnie and me came home from school, we saw suitcases and a couple of boxes in Momma's room. She wasn't there. Ronnie and I looked at each other, and I thought maybe, just maybe Daddy'd come back.

"We've all talked about hate here, me more than anyone. Maybe if one of you was telling your story, you'd have more to say on the subject. I don't know. What I do know, is that my Granny is right when she says hate's a two edged sword. Yeah, you can stick it in someone, but the other end is sticking in you at the same time. That's what the preacher said one Sunday morning, when me and Ronnie went to church with Granny. She kept glancing at me while he preached. He said you have to drive the hate out of your heart before it can rot the good that's already there.

"Nothing made me hate my Daddy more than him leaving us, and nothing made me want him more. When I was a little boy, we had some good times. I remember, I used to ride on his shoulders alot. He didn't even get mad when I pulled his hair. When I was really little, he used to read me a story before I went to sleep. The same story every night, till I got to where I was saying it along with him, even though I couldn't read yet."

"What story?" Caveman asked.

I was so lost in my memories, I barely heard him. "Huh?"

"What story?"

"Huh- Oh! The Billy Goat's Gruff." I said, looking at my feet. I was a little embarrassed by that.

"Oh." Caveman smiled. "My Dad used to read that to me, too."

I half smiled back at him. He wasn't a bad guy, I guess, even if he was a Momma's Boy.

"Momma is a tough little women, so after Daddy left, it wasn't that I was physically afraid. Not many people, including men, would mess with her. No, it was almost like we were less without Daddy, if that makes sense."

X-Ray looked like he understood more than the others. His eyes met mine for a second, and it was like we were on the same wavelength. I shook my head, trying to clear it.

"What I mean is, it didn't help me to have another man come into our house. I didn't feel better or safer. If anything, it made it worse. But, that's what those suitcases meant. Jason Everson was moving in. I could smell him already.

"'Whose is that, Alan?' Ronnie asked. 'Are we moving away? Did Momma pack us up?'

"'No, Ronkins, we ain't moving away. We're stuck here.' I replied.

"About two hours later, Momma and Jason came in. They were both laughing. I was mashing up some potatoes for Ronnie to have with his hamburger. Momma was dressed in her Sunday clothes, and Jason had on a suit with a tie. He wasn't as tall as my Daddy, and he was on the chunky side. His head was round, and his blonde hair was thin, showing alot of forehead. His blue eyes were big, and he had a bump in his nose. When he was younger he tried to be a prizefighter, but he was really one of those fall guys who get their faces beat in on a regular basis.

"As you can tell, I was never fond of Jason. I couldn't understand what Momma saw in him, and when I asked her once, she just laughed and said, 'When you start getting with people, you'll understand what matters most about them.'

"I wasn't stupid. I knew she meant sex.

"Anyway, there I stood, staring at the two of them, grinning like fools. It put little drips of ice down my back. I reached out and pulled Ronnie closer to me, and he wrapped his arms around my leg.

"'Well, there he is, my little chef.' Momma cried. 'Or, I should say, our little chef.'

"'What're you talking about Momma?' I asked. 'What's going on?'

"Jason laughed and went to the cabinet where Momma kept the liquor, grapped out some bourbon and poured him and Momma each a small glass. Ronnie didn't exactly know what booze was, but he knew that when Momma drank it she became mean and most of the time, scary, so he clung tighter to me.

"'What're you celebrating, Momma?' I finally asked.

The two of them grinning at each other like I'd asked the dumbest question known to man.

"'Momma?'

"'We're celebrating because Jason and I just got married.' She said.

"I frowned and shook my head.

"'You can't marry Jason, Momma. You're already married.' I reminded her.

"She grimaced and slammed her glass down so hard it almost shattered.

"'A man walks out of here on day, never calls, never writes, never comes back, and I'm suppose to married to him? No sir, I don't think so, Alan.'

"'Don't you have to go to court or something, though?' I asked.

"'Court means lawyers and lawyers're just crooks with shingles on their doors. Jason and I decided, officially decided, that I ain't married to Dennis Smith no more. Then we went to Pastor Andrews over at the Southern Baptist Church on 18th Street, and he married us. Right and proper, too, with a Bible and everything. I even got a ring!' Momma held her hand out.

"Didn't look like much of a ring to me, but I didn't say so.

"'Don'tcha have to have a license?'

Momma shook her head. 'Will you stop with all those questions? Just say hello to your new Daddy.' She ordered.

"I just turned back to Ronnie's potatoes.

"'You hear me, Alan? You show your new Daddy some respect, hear?'

"'He ain't my Daddy.' I muttered.

"'What? What did you say?'

"She started for me, but Jason held her off.

"'Now, hold on Caroline.' He said. 'We don't want no unpleasentries on our wedding night. Our Honeymoon.' He added.

She stopped and smiled at him. 'You're right.' She looked at me, her dark eyes shooting darts across the kitchen. 'We'll, talk about this later. Jason and me are going out, just as soon as I freshen up.' She went into the bathroom.

"I continued to work on Ronnie's dinner, and he held on to me the whole time. It felt hard to breathe, with all that had just went on.

"'That boy looks like a sissy, hanging on to you like that.' Jason said, smirking. I felt anger coming up inside me. Heat started to rise in my face, and I turned around. I gave Jason my coldest glare.

"'He'll grow up to be half the man you are, not that it would be that hard.' I said.

"He stared at me for a second, and I saw the rage start to build in his eyes, but then he smiled. It was like, he knew that he had to stop, because if he didn't he'd probably lose control of himself. So he smiled. It wasn't a real smile, it was an unsure one, a smile to cover up his discomfort.

I continued to glare at him and he raised his crooked, left forefinger at me. 'Your Momma's right about you, boy. You gotta big mouth. One I aim to shut, but not right now. No, not now. Later though, you can count on that.'

"I just rolled my eys and went back to fixing the food."

I paused and looked at the other guys. Each in his eyes said that they knew what a low moment that was for me and my little brother. I didn't have to say it.

"How would you like it if that happened to you, huh?"

Dr. Pendanski's eyes brightened and he leaned forward to see what the others would do.

"They make descisions about us like we're just their pets or something." Magnet said, his already dark eyes growing darker with anger. "Makes me sick."

"My Dad never even told me he was seeing someone else, much less asked my opinion on it." X-Ray said.

Zero remained quiet, but his eyes filled with a cold look of fear that made me wonder again how different his life had been, what troubles he had seen, and what had stolen his voice and smile.

"Despite what Momma and Jason threatened, they didn't do anything to me that night. They just went to their celebration, and didn't come home till late. I put Ronnie to bed and sat up watching 'Cruel Intentions' on Channel twelve. After it was over, I went to bed too. When Ronnie and I got up the next morning, thier door was shut. We ate and left without seeing them, which was okay with me.

"Jason supposedly worked for a used car dealership, but I thought he did something illegal on the side. He'd get these phones calls, sometimes really late at night, and he'd talk to low for me to hear him. Packages came for him too, that he hid. It was wierd.

"I never was really comfortable with him in the house. Mostly, he went out with Momma, to One Eyed Sam's or whatever, but there were times when it was just Jason and Ronnie and me in the house. I'd seen stories on the news and stuff about men messing with little or teenage boys, and seeing as we didn't know Jason from Adam, that thought bothered me alot.

"But I wanna say right away, that nothing like that ever happened. I know, you're probably thinkint that, but it didn't happen. He had his reasons, which he shared with me." I said, sitting back and taking a drink of water.

"I'd like to hear about that." Magnet said.

I looked at him. "I thought you might."

"What's that suppose to mean?" He fired back.

I shrugged. "Whatever you want it to mean."

We both stared at each other, then we laughed. The other boys looked between the two of us, confused.

"After dealing with us, you might wanna rethink use of the work crazy, Mom." Zig said, grinning.

Pendanski laughed.

"The only place I approve of that word is in the Patsy Cline song." He said.

"Who's Patsy Cline?" Armpit asked, his eyes darting from Magnet to me.

"She's a country singer, or at least she was." Caveman answered. "She died in a plane crash in the early sixites." He noticed us all staring at him, like 'duh' and shrugged. "My Grandpa has alot of her albums. He likes that kind of music."

We were all still kinda staring. Pendanski smiled again. "There is other music beside's rock and rap, boys." He said.

"I know who she is." Zero whispered. "My Mom liked her, too."

No one spoke. We heard footsteps outside the door. They stopped, for a second, then went on.

"So, are we gonna hear more about Jason Everson or not?" Magnet asked.

"He's not really that interesting, but sure, I'll tell you more about Jason.

"I'll tell you more about it all."