"Like I said before, Granny wanted us to enroll in the nearest schools, and we did. I couldn't help but be a little upset by all the changes in our lives. Ronnie was more bothered by all of it than I was, though. He was more like Momma than Daddy. He didn't just clam up when he got mad or upset. Instead, he threw things, got into fights, and talked back to his new teacher. Twice in that first month Granny had to go down to the school because of things he'd done. He'd grown up in a house with a mother who threw things when she was angry, and didn't hesitate to use bad language in front of him, mostly because she was drunk and didn't realize what she was saying. I guess he didn't have what you'd call a good roll model.
I tried being angry with him and bawling him out for the things he was doing, but when he turned his lost eyes on me, I stopped yelling and just hugged him. Finally, I got to him a little by telling him that we had to be good for Granny's sake.
"'She's already had one heart attack. She could have another, then where would we be? In some foster home, that's where. They'd probably split us up, too.'
"He understood that and calmed down enough so that he didn't get into trouble. His school work didn't improve any, though.
"Neither did mine. The bad habits followed me, I guess. I couldn't see how I could help myself with studies, and when teachers or councelors asked me what I wanted to be, I just shrugged and stared out the window. The future was cloudy for me. I couldn't imagine how people looked years and years ahead of today and saw what they would be doing. I was just worried about tomorrow.
"I made new friends pretty fast. Everyone's curious about new students and ask questions. Alot of kids were in the same situation as me and Ronnie. I knew I was far from the only one living with his granny or granny and grandpa. One of the guys, Travis Connor, had a cousin in my old school who had been a friend of mine, so Travis and I became friendly and he told me about the other kids, especially the girls to aviod because of their reputations, criminal records, or gangs they belonged to.
"One girl he warned me about, Laurie Gilson, was interesting and attractive to me anyway. Travis said she was weird. She liked to be alone. She didn't have any real friends at school and no one knew much about her, or saw her at the usual hangout spots on the weekends. The only person she seemed to spend any time with was a black girl named Manda Laws, who had such severe learning disabilities that she had to be held back two grades. The fact that she would rather be with Manda than anyone else made her more interesting to me. It was sort of understood that Laurie protected her.
"Laurie wasn't all that big or strong. She was about five feet six and weighed around one hundred and fifteen pounds, but she had this wildness in her eyes that made other kids give her space. She had this way of fixing her eyes on you, that made you feel like she was burning right through you. Someone had nicknamed her 'Laser Eyes' and everyone called her that, but not to her face."
"What color were her eyes?" Caveman asked me. I thought for a minute, reliving the memories I knew to well.
"Gray. And she had long, black hair. And her skin was very pale." I stopped for a second, taking a breath. "Anyway, there were all sorts of stories about her that were practically mythical."
"Like what?" Magnet asked, leaning towards me.
Like, she'd supposedly killed someone in a fight when she was only twelve, and she stole a car and crashed it, killing a little kid. Stuff like that.
"From what I could tell, though, Laurie wasn't in that much trouble in school. She was an okay student, quiet and not disrespectful when her teachers approached her. I had one class with her, social studies. I would look her way from time to time. She sat just behind me and two rows over, but she never seemed to look at me or take any interest in me.
"I started to take better care of myself, fixing my hair and wearing colonge. Granny did seamstress work for a department store, and the manager got us some good discounts on clothes, so I was dressing nicer.
"Granny told me I was good looking. I thought she was just saying it because I was her grandson, but then, Kayla Vaughn, who was super popular, told me she and her friends thought I was one of the best looking guys in the school. I thought, if this was true, then why hadn't Laurie Gilson given me a first look, not to mention a second. I wasn't interested in the other girls who had.
"What I would do occasionally in class was, lean back in my chair at a slant, and look at Laurie without it being obvious. I guess another thing that attracted me too her was this look in her eyes that suggested she was hurting in the same places I was hurting. She seemed to drift away too.
"This went on through the remainder of eigth grade, and into ninth. Finally, at the beginning of ninth grade, I glanced at Laurie, and she turned her head slowly and looked right at me for a second. It was like we'd said our own private hello and reconized we were from the same place, Planet Pain."
Zigzag looked mesmorized, but his lips streched into a small smile.
"I live there too." He whispered, so low I barely heard him. I nodded, encouraged by how many similar notes we all had.
"Something happened after Laurie and I looked at each other." I continued. "It was like she had opened her eyes and finally noticed me. As it turned out, she wasn't weird so much as she was shy. It took another two days for her to mutter a word in my direction. I was walking from the high school, over to Ronnie's school, when someone walked fast by me. It was Laurie, and she glanced at me very quickly, and whispered 'Hi.', then she walked on, before I could answer. It was enough to make think about her for the rest of the evening, though.
"The next day I became bold, and when I saw her in the hallway, I walked straight over to her and asked her about the homework assignment. We still had social studies together, and we were suppose to come up with four causes of the Civil War. She gave me those 'laser eyes' like she didn't trust what I was asking. Her eyes drank me in completely before she'd answer.
"'I only got three.' She told me.
"'I only wrote down three too.' I replied.
We compared them, and together we came up with five. When I got to my desk, I scribbled them down, looking over at her, to see if she was doing the same. Laurie caught my eye and smiled. I felt like she had kissed me.
"Just her smile did that to you?" Zero asked, looking up. He'd been so quiet and unmoving for awhile and I'd forgotten he was even there. As usual, he glanced from the left to the right, in a small panic because his words had actually come out.
"She had a nice smile." I said. "Her whole face would change, warm up, and look more than just friendly. Her eyes would light with this sparkle. It's hard to explain. It was just so......"
"Sexy?" X-Ray suggested, grinning.
"Well, yeah, but it was more than that. It was full of understanding. That's it. I felt like we spoke and thought alike. Granny has this expression, 'birds of a feather flock together'. We'll see two people walking down the street and she'll say 'Them two's birds of a feather'. People make fun of older people who have all these expression and stuff, but I think alot of them are wise. They're helpful and they make alot of sense. At least, to me they do."
"So?" Magnet asked impatiently. "What happened after this great smile?"
"You can make fun all you want." I told him. "But, sometimes people can say more with one look then they can with a thousand words."
"I wasn't making fun! I just wanna know what happened next!" Magnet puffed his cheeks out and looked at the ceiling.
I glanced at Dr. Pendanski, who wore that infuriating look of patience, like he was just waiting for one of us to throw a tantrum.
"After class, Laurie and I got into a real conversation. She asked me to have lunch with her and I gladly excepted. Manda was there too, and she looked upset about it the whole time, practially eating nothing."
"She was jealous you were talking to her only friend, huh?" Armpit asked.
"I guess. I tried to be nice to her, but she looked pissed off no matter what I said. It took another few days of conversation before I found out that Laurie's mother had been killed by a drunk driver four years before and that she lived with her father. She didn't have any brothers or sisters, but I could tell by the way she talked about her Daddy, that things were bad with him.
"Later, I would learn that it was her father who was drinking and driving the night her mother died. He was cited for a DWI and charged with manslaughter, but they let him off on probabtion, probably because of Laurie losing her mother.
"We began to talk every chance we got at school, and I called her on the phone sometimes. We would eat our lunches outside, where we had privacy and the other kids weren't staring at us and whispering. I finally opened up about my life and told her about Daddy and Momma and all that stuff. Laurie was less open about herself. If I asked her a question, she'd looked away for a few seconds, maybe eat some of her food, then give me a short answer. I learn pretty fast what she'd talk about and what she wouldn't."
"What about Manda all this time?" Cavman asked. "Where was she?"
"She followed us sometimes, and she started being nicer to me. Laurie was still taking the time to hang out with her.
"And then, I finally got the nerve up to ask Laurie out on a date. It wasn't really a date I guess, but it was the first time a girl came by my house and we went out somewhere together."
"She had a car?" Magnet asked.
"Of course not, dummy. We were only fourteen!" I said, rolling my eyes.
"Oh yeah." Magnet grinned. "I forgot."
I rolled my eyes again. "No, we took the Big Blue Bus. You know, the poor person's limo." I added dryly. Zig smiled and Armpit snorted in laughter.
"Where did y'all go?" X-Ray asked.
"I don't know if you guys have ever been to Austin, but there's this little amusment park near the edge of the city. I asked Granny if I could go and Ronnie got all excited and I had to take him too, but that was another thing about Laurie. She didn't mind me bring Ronnie at all. In fact, I think she felt better about him coming. She was nervous about being alone with me, and she jumped at the chance to be more like a big sister than a girlfriend, I think.
"Of course, Ronnie ate it up. I laughed to myself the way he looked up to Laurie immeaditely, hanging on her words like she was one of his T.V heros or something. It occured to me that he didn't have a real mother around long enough to appreciate it, and he had no older sister or anything. I was okay as his big brother, but it was different having a girl coo over him. No wonder he was excited about the attention Laurie gave him.
"Taking Ronnie on the rides was fun for me and Laurie both. She insisted on paying for everything, no matter how much I protested. I felt bad, because I was the one who asked her out, and shouldn't I've been paying? But she knew we didn't have much money, and she claimed she had an account that her mother had put up for her, and for now, her father gave her a generous allowence, because she was responsible for buying the food and everything.
"We talked about we we'd do with our futures. I still had no idea, but she talked about enlisting in the Navy. Because her trust fund was secure, she knew she'd be alright for awhile.
"'And my Dad can't get his hands on it, either.' She told me. 'My Mom was smart enought to know that Dad wasn't giong to provide for us like he should, and she thought she'd be working her whole life just to make ends meet. She made sure I'd be alright.'
"At the fun park, she really seemed to be enjoying the look of excitment on Ronnie's face, at the thought of going from one ride to the next, of eating hot dogs and cotton candy, and playing the games in the arcade. I was having fun too. I won Laurie a stuffed penguin, that she named Alan. Then she won Ronnie a stuffed dog, and they got to laughing and playing.
"I guess after awhile, I was jealous."
"Jealous?" Zig asked, jumping on what I said. "Of what? Hot dogs and cotton candy and pinball machines?"
"No, not that stuff. Laurie seemed more excited about having fun with Ronnie then about being with me." I looked at Dr. Pendanski. He and I had discussed this before.
"Maybe she was just socially immature." Magnet stated. "You said she was shy."
"It wasn't that either." I replied quickly. "She never got to be a little kid like Ronnie was and have fun like this. She was having a vicarrey........vi........what's it called again, Mom?" I asked.
"A vicarious experience." Dr. Pendanski supplied.
"Yeah, that. She was doing things through Ronnie, things she never got to do when she was his age, and being the kid she wished she was."
"It amazes me how everybody's an analyst now days." Magnet muttered.
"Oh and I suppose you don't do that?" X-Ray attacked. "You don't try to analyze every little thing?"
"She was probably just shy." Magnet said, instead of answering the question. "Oh, what difference does it make what she was?!"
"Not much difference to you, but probably alot of difference to him." Zig said quietly, nodding his head towards me. When Magnet looked and saw it did matter to me, his expression changed.
"She ignored you the whole time?" He asked, his voice a little softer. "Some first date that turned out to be. Girls can be so aggravating."
"I didn't say she ignored me. She was into things with Ronnie more, that's all. I admit, I was jealous and wished she'd pay more attention to me, but I saw how much fun Ronnie was having and he hadn't had much fun in his till then, so I wasn't about to complain.
"Afterward, Ronnie sat on the ledge of this huge fountain and threw pennies in, and Laurie and I sat on benches near by, watching him.
"'Thanks for what you've done for my brother today.' I told her. She smiled a sad smile.
"'I know what it's like, growing up with a drunk as a parent."
"Your Daddy still drinks alot?" I asked. I knew how hard it was, being confronted with that question, but I wondered how her daddy could still drink after what had happened. Laurie laughed.
"Still drinks alot? Alan, you remember how you said that when you was a little boy, you thought that the smell of whiskey was your Mom's perfume?'
"'Yeah.....' I said, not sure where it was going.
"'Well, I grew up thinking that whiskey came out of the faucets. Sometimes, I still wonder if it does. What does it matter?' She asked quickly. "He'll die soon enough, and put himself out of his misery. Good riddence.'
"'You hate him?' I asked.
"Of course, I thought when she told me about her mother, she'd blame her father forever, but when she looked at me, and her eyes were full of anger, hatred, and sorrow.
"'I don't care enough about him to hate him.' She said. 'I don't think about him if I can help it.'
"'But you live in the same house.' I said. 'Don't you see each other every day?'
"Laurie snorted. 'We're more like two strangers that share a house than father and daughter. I'm up and outta there before he gets up for work and I've already eaten supper by the time he gets home.'
"'You cook for yourself?' I asked.
"'Yeah. The cook quit.' She was quiet for a moment, then said, 'He eats my food too, when he's actually home to eat.'
"'I can cook.' I told her proudly. 'My Granny taught me how. I'm not as good as her, but I'm close enough.'
"'I'm impressed.' She said, grinning at me. I laughed, then she laughed. Laurie had a nice laugh when she allowed it. It was like it was locked up in her heart, and he opened up the door a little and let the happiness breathe. I think sadness is like a disease. It makes you literaly sick."
Without a doubt, they can all understand that, I thought.
"Anyway, she turned to me and said, 'Why don't you come over for dinner tomorrow night? I make a mean frozen pot pie.'
"'Frozen? Some cook. I'll bring an apple pie.' I told her. She'd revealed to me that it was her favorite. 'Granny'll help me bake it.'
"Her eyes looked like Ronnie's when Ronnie had first set eyes on the fun park.
"'Really, Alan? You'll bring an apple pie and come?'
"'I don't say I'm gonna do something then not follow through with it.' I said, fixing my eyes on her.
"'Okay.' She said, smiling. 'Okay. It's a date.'
"'A date.' I replied.
I laughed, but it was more a happy laugh than anything. I was excited. It's funny, how something so small can give you so much hope." I muttered and reached for my water.
No one spoke. They were all watching me closely as I drank my water.
"Granny has a saying for hope." I continued. "She says hope is what you cast out like a fish line and hook, hoping to pull in some happiness, but if you cast it out to far or to often, the line'll snap and you'll watch it all float away."
"What's that suppose to mean?" Zig asked, arching his left eyebrow.
"It means if you spend all your time dreaming and hoping, you'll be disappionted. You've gotta work hard for happiness, and not expect it to come flaoting along and bite your hook." I answered.
Pendanski smiled.
"Maybe we should all be sittinig around with his grandmother." Magnet mumbled.
"It hasn't done Alan any harm." Pendanski said.
He tucked in the corner of his mouth. His eyes looked like they were tearing up. I suddenly realized something about him. He has nobody, I thought. He's truley on his own. That's it That's what makes him so mean and nasty sometimes.
Maybe he isn't so lucky after all.