METAL GEAR SOLID
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Hi! This is jduran89. Just to let you know, this is my first fanfic. If you got any comments, suggestions, corrections, questions, or just plain hate me, then e-mail me at jduran89@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading!
Disclaimer: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid.
I don't. Man, I'd love to use Rex to destroy KCEJ. Then it's all mine. You hear? MINE! …ahem… now to continue.
PROLOGUE:
The Mission Briefing
0348 hrs.
Bering Sea
USS Discovery; Crew's Quarters "D"
CAMPBELL: Snake, we decided to arrest you and throw you in this pathetic excuse for a prison cell for totally unexcusable reasons.
SNAKE: Don't act stupid, Roy. We're on a sub. And what's with the camera that says, "Proof that Snake owes me $357.98 for a new camcorder"?
CAMPBELL: Dammit, Jim! You never told me!
???: [walks in] Hi, Snake! I'm Dr. Naomi Hunter! I'm you're biggest fan and I want you to die!
SNAKE: ???
NAOMI: Er… I mean… I want you to make people die! Heh-heh…
SNAKE: Whatever.
CAMPBELL: Snake, guess what? FOXHOUND, you're former unit, is gonna launch a nuke! They've actually learned… [sheds a tear] …I'm so happy!
SNAKE: …I forgot… who's in FOXHOUND again?
CAMPBELL: Psycho Mantis, a Marilyn Manson wannabe with the power to levitate a fork. Sniper Wolf the hot, sexy… [starts drooling] …beautiful… …hot chick…
SNAKE: *sigh* Go on, Colonel.
CAMPBELL: [still in trance] …gorgeous hair… nice hooters…
NAOMI: CAMPBELL!
CAMPBELL: [comes out of his trance] …sorry. Decoy Octopus, movie star who played in The Master Of Disguise. Vulcan Raven, a shaman and a powerful Zen master. Revolver Ocelot, some old grandpa cowboy. And Liquid Snake.
SNAKE: Liquid Snake!?
CAMPBELL: Yes… the man with the same codename as you. The man who's competing with me for Sniper Wolf… [goes back in his trance] …sexy accent… *I want it with her…* [snaps back out] …anyway… you got all that?
SNAKE: Hmm… let's see… Darth Vader, girl who should work in Hooters, some bum nobody knows, a Buddhist Arnold Schwarzenegger, Yosemite Sam's grandpa, and the sexy girl's boyfriend. Got it!
CAMPBELL: Good. Now about Sniper Wolf… *she's hot* *zzz*
NAOMI: Ignore the Colonel for now, Snake.
SNAKE: Why… [grins evilly] …we're gonna have some fun?
NAOMI: Yes… erm… I meant … well, maybe some other time, Snake… but anyway! We're gonna shave most of your hair off so the guards there don't run away from your head lice.
[pulls a shaver out]
SNAKE: Aah!!! Don't cut my hair! My beautiful hair! Noo!
[BUZZ!]
SNAKE: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(20 Minutes Later…)
NAOMI: Snake, calm down. Look… all I'm gonna do is inject you with something called "FoxDie." Er… I mean… an Anti-Freezing Peptide! Yeah!
SNAKE: Okay, so what are my mission objectives?
CAMPBELL: The script said two, but I added a couple more. Hee-hee. First, I want you to rescue Donald Anderson, the DARPA Chief, and Kenneth Baker, president of ArmsTech. They're very important you see. They each owe me a penny.
SNAKE: Uh-huh…
CAMPBELL: Second, investigate if the terrorists can launch a nuke. Stop them if they can.
SNAKE: Whoop-de-doo.
CAMPBELL: Third, I want you to take photographic evidence of anything suspicious and/or confidential. This includes lots – I repeat – lots of pics of Sniper Wolf's sexy bod… aah… Sniper Wolf…
SNAKE: Does that include the sub?
NAOMI: No. It's confidential.
SNAKE: But he said that—
NAOMI: No.
SNAKE: Aw, man!
CAMPBELL: [snaps back to reality] Last, but not least… get me the following: a Game Boy Advance SP, with all accessories included; The #1, Super-sized and no pickles; and a nuclear warhead.
NAOMI: That's absurd! Why would you want a nuke?
CAMPBELL: …well… I like collecting stuff whenever I go somewhere new. Since I haven't gone to a Nuclear Warhead Disposal Facility before, I want a nuke.
NAOMI: [slaps her head] Oy!
SNAKE: So how do you plan to get me there?
CAMPBELL: By SDV (Swimmer Delivery Vehicle).
SNAKE: Cool! You play StarCraft too? Man… an SCV… (Service Construction Vehicle)
CAMPBELL: Dumbass! SDV! See how the "D" is emphasized here?
SNAKE: [leafing through this script] …um… nope.
CAMPBELL: Anyway, you have 19 hours to do this. Good luck.
INTERCOM: Solid Snake, please head towards the torpedo room at once.
Well, what do you think? I'm not really good at humor, but who cares? Read Chapter 1!