METAL GEAR SOLID
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Man, I just love this story. Keep reading… for no reason.
Disclaimer: Blah blah Hideo Kojima made MGS yadda yadda I own nothing…
CHAPTER II:
The Welcome Dance Party… For No Reason
0452 hrs.
Shadow Moses
Heliport
+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)
%%%
SNAKE: I don't wanna do the movie sequence… for no reason!
CAMPBELL: Fine! But we have to talk about the mission.
SNAKE: Don't you think that somebody's gonna notice about me for no reason?
CAMPBELL: Don't worry. We got a diversion. For no reason.
NAOMI: So what is it?
CAMPBELL: A duo of F-16's are up in the air for no reason. One's dropping pictures of Sniper Wolf… [starts fantasizing] …mmm… …Sniper Wolf…
NAOMI: Um, Colonel? [slaps him back into reality] *smack*
CAMPBELL: …sorry. The other is shooting each picture for no reason, writing, "Liquid Snake is an asshole."
???: Wow… he's insane to be tormented by that!
SNAKE: Who's that?
CAMPBELL: Oh, sorry. This is my girlfriend— *slap* err… I meant… mission data analyst, Mei Ling.
MEI LING: Hi, Snake. It's an honor to meet the myth in the flesh for no reason! Anyway, I established the codec.
SNAKE: [running around, not listening for no reason]
MEI LING: Also, I made the stupid radar nobody likes… *sniff* …everyone thinks I'm a geeky loser fro no reason!
SNAKE: No… you're pretty cute for a military tech designer.
MEI LING: Thanks. Yay! I'm being hit on for no reason!
SNAKE: Speaking of being hit on… what was that line about you and me, Naomi? Something about you being strip-searched for no reason or something like that?
NAOMI: Oh, yeah… Snake, I'm hot for you. There's a nightclub near Anchorage. I'm their stripper. You can come and give me a strip-search anytime for no reason.
SNAKE: Cool.
CAMPBELL: …in any case… let's go on. Naomi… I'm gonna need some directions when this is over. For no reason.
NAOMI: Okay.
MEI LING: Hurry up! Get on with it!
CAMPBELL: Oh, yeah. Besides your binoculars, you're naked.
SNAKE: Aah! Freaky déjà vu of Raiden scenes! Aah!
CAMPBELL: Damn! You read the MGS2 script Hideo Kojima gave out for no reason, didn't you?
SNAKE: Yep. I got it right here. [pulls it out]
CAMPBELL: Am I in it?
SNAKE: Nope.
CAMPBELL: WHAT!?!?!?
MEI LING: [reading the MGS2 script for no reason] Colonel, it says that you've been replaced by some AI for no reason. Also, for no reason, you think Snake's a terrorist.
SNAKE: WHAT!?!?!? [leafs through MGS2 script] Where!?
CAMPBELL: In any case… Good luck, and may the Force be with you for no reason! …what's with this script?
%%%
SNAKE: Stupid Colonel. [goes and nearly gets spotted by spotlights for no reason] Whew! That was a close one!
GENOME #4: Look at that! Sir, I thought I saw something!
LIQUID: So? Anyway, I've got to swat a couple of bothersome flies for no reason.
GENOME #4: [points] Um… Sir? There's one on your arm.
LIQUID: [sees fly] Thanks. [pulls flyswatter out of the 4th Dimension and smacks it] Now, to swat the other flies! [gets in the Hind-D]
HIND: *cough* *sputter*
LIQUID: [calls #4] And where the bloody hell are my bloody keys, you bloody oaf?
GENOME #4: Sorry, Sir. [hands over keys]
[takes off]
SNAKE: Okay, so how do I get those stun grenades in the middle of those spotlights?
GENOME #5: Allow me. [grabs the stun grenades for no reason and gives them to Snake for no reason]
SNAKE: Wow… I guess I'll keep your sorry ass alive.
GENOME #5: Oh, thank you!
SNAKE: …right after I kick you off this here cliff. *kick*
GENOME #5: Aah!
SNAKE: Now, to the chaff grenades! [gets spotted by camera]
CAMERA: !!! Intruder alert. Possible sight of a superhero wannabe going to grab some chaff grenades— [signal lost]
(ALERT MODE)
SNAKE: Damn! [runs to middle of helipad; starts break-dancing for no reason]
GENOMES 4 & 6: Freeze! [see Snake doing "Moonwalk" for no reason]
GENOME #4: Hey! Let's join him for no reason!
GENOME #6: Hold on a sec… [pulls out a DDR3 arcade machine from the 4th Dimension] …damn!
SNAKE: What?
GENOME #6: I forgot the extension cord.
SNAKE: [pulls one out from the 4th Dimension; hands it over]
GENOME #4: Thanks. [plugs it in, selects the song "Ai, yai, yai, You're My Little Butterfly" for no reason]
[#6 and SNAKE stare at him for no reason]
GENOME #4: What!? I love this song!
ALL 3: Ai, yai, yai, you're my little butterfly!
GENOME #6: My song next! [selects "Telephone"]
[spotlights are focused on the three for no reason]
SNAKE: That song sucks! How 'bout my selection – Snap-neck!
GENOME #4: What's snap— [neck snapped]
SNAKE: Time to die, Genome #6!
GENOME #6: [still dancing to "Telephone" for no reason; now doin' the "Electric Slide" for no reason; has no idea that Snake is snapping his neck for no reason]
SNAKE: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!!! Now nobody will ever find me!
(ALERT MODE) (still)
SNAKE: How the hell? [doesn't realize he's in the middle of the spotlights]
SPOTLIGHTS & CAMERAS: Die!
SNAKE: Aah! [attempts to run away]
(EVASION MODE)
SNAKE: Thank God!
+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)
%%%
CAMPBELL: Nice "Electric Slide." Teach me that sometime.
(NORMAL MODE)
CAMPBELL: Snake, don't expect them to open the door just because you did a show for no reason.
%%%
SNAKE: Whatever… [knocks on front door for no reason] This sucks! (goes in the upper duct for no reason]
0506 hrs.
Shadow Moses
Tank Hangar 2F; Air Duct
SNAKE: Damn! Shouldn't have done the "Crab Walk" to come in here. [currently in a pretzel]
+141.80 (???)
SNAKE: Hold on! [struggling to get out of pretzel]
+141.80 (???)
SNAKE: Damn Mei Ling… why didn't she bother installing voice mail!?
[apparently 30 minutes later…]
+141.80 (???)
SNAKE: Got it!
%%%
???: Snake! Hi! It's Li— er… …McDonnell Miller!
SNAKE: Guh? Master? What're you doing calling me?
[long pause]
MILLER: [sounds of helicopter rotors in background]
SNAKE: What's with the chopper?
MILLER: Don't mind me, Snake. I've got—
[cut off by machinegun fire]
MILLER: You bloody son-of-a-bitch!
SNAKE: [getting really suspicious] What!?
MILLER: [forgetting that Snake's on Codec] Damn you, you bloody oaf! [see Snake on Codec] …um… don't bloody mind me. I'm kinda playing my bloody PS2 right now and–
[cut off by more machinegun fire]
MILLER: Take that, you bloody F-16! - …err… see what I'm talking about?
SNAKE: You're hopeless. Just shut up.
%%%
SNAKE: [cutscene w/ guards talking about the DARPA Chief, except they don't talk about the DARPA Chief]
GENOME #8: Well… there's a bunch of SOCOMs' in the room next to the computer lab.
GENOME #9: So? What about that hot chick in the cell?
SNAKE: [to self] …hot chick in the cell?
GENOME #8: Don't mind her. Also, there's been an intruder. They say if he and any of us get into spotlights, then DDR3 music starts playing for no reason and we all learn the electric slide.
GENOME #9: Wasn't it a ninja or something?
GENOME #8: No. Anyway… can you handle the task?
GENOME #9: Sure. Have it with the hot chick, get a SOCOM, and always play the song "Telephone" on DDR3.
GENOME #8: …um… I guess… [leaves]
SNAKE: Simple as pie. [climbs down vent shaft] *clang*
GENOME #9: Huh? What was that noise?
SNAKE: Not again!
GENOME #9: !!!
(ALERT MODE)
SNAKE: Damn!
GENOMES 8 - 10: Freeze!
SNAKE: [holding hands up] This ain't fair! I mean, I don't even have a weapon yet!
GENOME #8: *blink*
GENOME #9: ?
GENOME # 10: [busy reading the FAMAS instruction manual]
GENOME #8: How 'bout this, Snake? We'll put the game back on normal mode… for no reason. Then we'll escort you to the SOCOM supply room for no reason, give you some magazines for no reason, and then we'll start over for no reason. Is that okay?
SNAKE: Hmm… okay!
(NORMAL MODE)
SNAKE: Where are the SOCOM's anyway??
GENOME #10: Two doors left. Oh, and watch out for that camera. It likes to think it's that adjutant from StarCraft for no reason.
SNAKE: Really?
GENOME #10: Really.
SNAKE: Really?
GENOME #10: Really really.
GENOME #9: [polishing FAMAS] Just get over there and arm yourself… for no reason, of course!
SNAKE: …okay… [Calls: +140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]
%%%
SNAKE: Did you just see that!?!?!?
NAOMI: …yeah. I was hoping that you – I mean – they – would die. Damn… I can't seem to figure out what my script says.
CAMPBELL: Mine too. All it says is, "Consult Prima's Official Strategy Guide for no reason." So I did. And it doesn't say a damn thing! You hear me!?!?
SNAKE: I'm talking about the SOCOM here…
CAMPBELL: Well… talk to our military analyst. Her name's Nastasha Romanenko. Her frequency's 141.52 if you feel the need for education… for no reason.
SNAKE: Got it!
%%%
SNAKE: [Calls: +140.96 (Mei Ling)]
%%%
MEI LING: Oh, hi, Snake. Need to save for no reason?
YES ç
NO
|INTERRUPTION|
The following is the "Save Screen". Actually, Mei Ling would probably type this to save Snake's data. Bold print is what Mei Ling types.
|END INTERRUPTION|
$4.sav.exe/Begin
&BIOS Register System 4.0
&BIOS.ASCII
&BIOSASCII: sav.exe
&&&
ASCII ver 2.0
run sav.exe
&&&
&&&
&&&
sav.exe
welcome
username: LINGMEI00
password: ******
access code denied
username: mlEM
password: ****
access code accepted
running… lv1 test diagnostic
hold…
MEI LING: Hold on, Snake. This takes a while.
SNAKE: Really?
MEI LING: Really.
file:open?
no
file:new?
yes
creating proxy-server…
ASCII code 011.21
file.save.name?
ShaMos-Snk
confirm filename: {ShaMos-Snk}?
yes
saving…
done
terminate sav.exe?
yes
sav.exe… terminated
link… cut
MEI LING: Done. You want a free quote for no reason?
SNAKE: Okay… check out stocks on Starbucks.
MEI LING: No! Not that kind of quote!
SNAKE: …oh.
MEI LING: Anyway,
a wise person in China told me, "The rules of combat are
this: Kill for no reason. Shoot for no reason. Have fun for no reason."
SNAKE: What kind of quote is that?
MEI LING: The quote means that you should do anything in your power to successfully do all three… obviously, for no reason. What the hell's wrong with the goddamn script!?!?!?
SNAKE: I get the "Kill" and "Shoot" parts. What about the "Fun" part?
MEI LING: You know! Do what you do best… for no reason!
SNAKE: What? Have it with hot chicks like you?
MEI LING: …um… no. Now's not the time. You can do it later, though… for no reason… *wink*
%%%
SNAKE: Okay, boys. I got a SOCOM.
GENOME #9: Here are the clips as promised. [holds up Snake] Now we shoot you!
SNAKE: Really… [starts taunting] You all are so stupid that you haven't taken the safety off, rookies! [blinks, then looks at his script] Aw, hell! Who ripped out page 9!?
+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)
%%%
NAOMI: I did. You see, that page contains the "conversation" you have with Colonel about Sniper Wolf…
%%%
GENOME #10: Shoot him, #9!
SNAKE: Ya'know something? I read the Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty - Brady Games Official Strategy Guide. It's not stupid, but… anyway… if I recall correctly, it said on Page 16 that, "…if you stand in front of a taunting person for too long, a twinkle appears in the soldier's eyes and he will attempt to overthrow your character!"
GENOMES 8 – 10: [after hearing that] So what?
GENOME 9: Say goodnight, Snake…
SNAKE: [eyes twinkle]
GENOME 8: Oh, shit…
SNAKE: [does a roundhouse kick, sending #8 falling to his death] Who's next?
GENOME #10: Die, Snake!
SNAKE: [activates stealth camouflage] Now you see me…
GENOME #9: [is now in a chokehold]
SNAKE: [disables stealth as #9's neck cracks] …and now you don't! [whips out his SOCOM] *bam* *bam* Cheap-ass cue card! Since when the hell did I get the stealth camo!?
+141.52 (Nastasha)
%%%
NASTASHA: Hello, Snake. I am Nastasha Romanenko.
SNAKE: Hi. Tell me what this does! [whips out his… …cardboard box]
NASTASHA: A… cardboard box. Well… it's… made of cardboard… and it's economical. Anyway… nukes SUCK!!!
SNAKE: That's… nice to know…
%%%
SNAKE: To the elevator! [runs down and trips on a conveniently placed tripwire which isn't there…] Ow! [Genomes stare at him for no reason] Nothing happened. [runs to elevator doors, smacking buttons wildly]
[doors open]
GENOME #99: Hi. I come in way later in the game, so you can't kill me yet for no reason.
SNAKE: Uh-huh…
[elevator closes, but not before it crushes #99's skull… clearly for no reason… of course.]
SNAKE: Ha-ha. Now which floor?
1F: TANK HANGAR
B1F: HOLDING CELLs/TORTURE ROOM ç
B2F: ARMORY
B3F: TOP SECRET PLACE WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S MASTER MILLER
What's weird is that pretty much every third line the words, "…for no reason" show up. It was due to a major lacking of last-minute creativity. Just e-mail me.