METAL GEAR SOLID
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Chapter 3 for ya. For those of you who've been reading the whole series so far, thanks.
Disclaimer: Disclaimers suck! MGS is possessed by KCEJ. I own nothing.
CHAPTER III:
Bad Rescues, Hallucinogenic Dreams, and the Beautiful Chick in the Cell
0521 hrs.
Shadow Moses
Tank Hangar B1F: Holding Cells
SNAKE: Elevator's too slow.
[Calls: +140.96 (Mei Ling)]
%%%
SNAKE: *yawn* I know all about this shitty radar, and how the DARPA dude's all green, so don't bother me.
%%%
SNAKE: Hmm… a door. I guess I'll attempt to break it down. [starts tackling]
[A good 10 minutes later…]
SNAKE: …can't… *gasp* …breathe… *gasp*
[door opens]
JOHNNY SASAKI: What?
SNAKE: Uh… I wanted to come in.
JOHNNY: Sure. Let me guess… #8 forgot to talk about the vents being opened.
SNAKE: Yeah. So where are the vents?
JOHNNY: Oh… go out, take a left. Here. Have some crack.
SNAKE: *blink* Thanks.
[door closes]
SNAKE: Where's the damn shaft!? [looks everywhere except the place where the vent shaft is] This is bullsh—
[loud sounds of moaning – not the pleasure-type! – coming from an air duct; it's Johnny Sasaki w/ diarrhea]
SNAKE: GROSS!!!
[15 minutes later…]
SNAKE: I found it!!! [climbs vent] Now where do I go? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]
%%%
CAMPBELL: [currently playing SOCOM: U.S. Navy SEALs] Hey, Snake. I'm kinda busy here…
SNAKE: Really…
CAMPBELL: Fine! I'm playing SOCOM here, and this dude online says he's with FOXHOUND!
SNAKE: Really? Who…
CAMPBELL: I don't know, but I heard the author's gonna put an interruption up so we can figure out how flashbacks, hallucinations, and otherwise supernatural parts of the script are gonna be displayed. See ya.
%%%
SNAKE: Hmm…
[10 minutes later…]
|INTERRUPTION|
Flashbacks begin/end with this: ===
Hallucinations/supernatural stuff begin/end with this: $$$
|END INTERRUPTION|
SNAKE: This is boring… I'm gonna smoke… [smokes crack] …shit… I'm hallucinating… *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *wake me up, mommy…* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz* *zzz*
$$$
RAVEN: Boss, I like ice cream. [playing a PS2; he is the Colonel's enemy in SOCOM. He doesn't realize it even though the Colonel's screen name is "Col. Campbell"] Who is this idiot!? He can't even shoot me at 5 yards! I can't shoot at fifteen miles!
LIQUID: …er… that's good, Raven…
RAVEN: [obviously hears the sarcastic remark and does his infamous monotone] Ice cream not good when melted.
LIQUID: Then why the bloody hell did you bring it in the bloody sauna?
[the sauna's about the size of your bedroom… so's the tub]
RAVEN: Rocky road not good completely frozen.
LIQUID: That's it! I'm bloody tired of you and your bloody monotone! [pulls out an AN-94] See you in hell!
[door opens]
WOLF: Hello, boys. Liquid, don't shoot Raven. Sure, he gets annoying at times, but at least he got your Hind repaired. Okay, sweetie? *wink*
$$$
SNAKE: Damn… what the hell was I dreaming!? I wanted to see more!!! [sees the fork in the vent and goes straight] Okay… where to… [looks down and sees Meryl working out] Hello… what have we here?
MERYL: [doing sit-ups naked] …1,076… …1,077… …1,078… …skip some more… …1,000,000…
SNAKE: I gotta get hooked up with her… oh, well… back to business… [goes to DARPA Chief's cell in vent, only to find that it's locked] Damn! [Calls Hideo Kojima]
%%%
SNAKE: Mr. Kojima, you expect me to continue the dang mission, right?
MR. KOJIMA: …yeah. So what's the problem, Snake?
SNAKE: The damn vent grate… door… whatever it is… won't open! C'mon, you expect this game to be a bestseller!?
MR. KOJIMA: …hold on…
%%%
[A few minutes later, the grate is unlocked by a maintenance worker from KCEJ]
WORKER: Yo', Snake?
SNAKE: [sounds of clanging, head bashing, and cursing]
JOHNNY: [walks in] What's happening?
WORKER: Snake's probably playing the new Yu-Gi-Oh game for the GBA. He's losing, even though I gave him a GameShark so he can get a "Blue Eyes Ultimate White Dragon."
[NOTE: Yu-Gi-Oh also belongs to Konami…]
JOHNNY: Oh. [walks out as if nothing happened]
WORKER: [hears crying] Snake, are you okay?
JOHNNY: [resumes post] Hey! Shut up in there, will ya'!?
SNAKE: [comes down all teary-eyed and *bam* shoots the poor, innocent worker] …now I am!!!
DARPA CHIEF: [snoring]
SNAKE: Yo'! Chief! Wake up!
JOHNNY: [walks back in] Hold on… let me wake him up… [shoots him in the head] *bam* …there.
SNAKE: Damn you!
MERYL: [who's supposed to hear the conversation that the Chief and Snake were supposed to have…] Huh!? Hey, what happened?
SNAKE: Aren't you supposed to get gagged or something?
JOHNNY: Well… since the conversation was supposed to take 10 minutes, we should pass the time…
[9 minutes later]
SNAKE: [as Link in Super Smash Brothers Melee] Eat my bomb, sucker!
JOHNNY: [as Mr. Game & Watch in SSBM] No! Judgement!
[bell rings]
SNAKE & JOHNNY: Damn! Break's over!
SNAKE: We'll battle again!
JOHNNY: Yeah, yeah, sure— ack! [is now being gagged by Meryl, who's already dressed in the uniform]
SNAKE: I don't get it! How'd you get a uniform!?
GENOME: Don't ask me, Snake! [suddenly grips head in pain] My head! It hurts! [faints]
MANTIS: [appears out of nowhere] Useless woman! Now I will show you why I'm the most powerful… [looks at clock, realizing he's not supposed to be here yet] Shit. Damn these cue cards! [Dumps papers and runs… er… floats… away]
GENOME: [gets back up and holds up Snake with… …nothing] Freeze! I'll shoot!
SNAKE: You don't even have a weapon, rookie.
GENOME: Hey, I ain't no rookie… [grabs head again] …cause if I were, why am I holding you up with a… [looks at hands which, I said, were empty] Dammit! [obvious sounds of Mr. Kojima and other Konami staff laughing] Shut the hell up! [finds Johnny's FAMAS and pulls a Desert Eagle from the 4th Dimension] …a FAMAS!? [grips head again] …hold… …me, Snake!
SNAKE: Mantis! It's not your part yet!
MANTIS: [we only hear him, not see him] SO!?!?!?
SNAKE: [after reading the above sentence] Hey! Where the hell are you!?
GENOME: Snake… I know you want me…
SNAKE: Mantis! Please make her stop!
MANTIS: Okay… [floats away; smacks himself on the door] Ow.
SNAKE: Now that Mantis is… um… k/o'd… Rookie! You suck!
GENOME: Open the damn door! [grabs FAMAS and shoots Snake]
SNAKE: Aaarrr-aaaaarrrrr-aaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALL but GENOME & SNAKE: Meryl! You idiot!
MERYL: [takes off disguise] Hey! Who the hell turned off the safety!?
CHIEF: [struggles to get up] …I… …did… …bitch!!!
MERYL: [shoots Chief] Ha-ha… whore.
CAMPBELL: [to Meryl] Damn you, you frickin' niece! I'm cutting your Battle.Net time to ten hours!
MERYL: Yes! I've got ten full hours! I'm so lucky— um… I mean… aw, shit!
SNAKE: [wakes up] …another hallucinogenic dream… …how am I still alive? …oh well… [pulls out SOCOM and points it at the closed door]
MERYL: Where are the guards?
[door opens, revealing an endless supply of Teletubbies]
SNAKE: Aah! Suck pepper spray, you damn shitheads!!! [pulls pepper spray from 4th Dimension and kills 'em all]
MERYL: [now back in her Genome persona] Thanks for the help. [runs to elevator]
SNAKE: [runs to shoot her but…]
[what did I say!? But! But!!! BUT!!!]
SNAKE: [reads above line] Dumbass typer! You've got too many typos!
ME: So what!? [reads the line that Snake read] Oh, you're right. [edits the line so it says "butt" instead of "but"]
SNAKE: Much better!
ME: Gimme a call on the codec. It's 140.77 – my personal line. See ya! [runs back to his house and finally puts the weird flashback of the Chief]
$$$
RAVEN: The man who you saw die before your eyes…
[sounds of heart attack]
CHIEF: WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!?!?!?
RAVEN: That was not the DARPA Chief. It was Decoy Octopus… wait… this is the wrong flashback! [runs away and pulls a do-it-yourself steel box kit] Better start making those steel boxes for the fight. Good thing this has instructions.
$$$
ME: Sorry… [pulls the right flashback from 4th Dimension]
$$$
LIQUID: Dammit, Ocelot. You fool! Why did you kill him?
OCELOT: Don't look at me! Look at this! I only put it at 1.5 volts! [picks up an AAA battery hooked up to the machine] See?
LIQUID: Why didn't you dive into him, Mantis?
MANTIS: Well, Boss, the surgical implants repel stupid psychics. I guess it said that I was one.
LIQUID: Well… I guess we'll never get that code to launch Gundam Heavy-Arms! [I don't own Gundam Wing either!]
MANTIS: Boss… Isn't it called "Metal Gear REX" or something?
OCELOT: Shut up! How did an AAA battery kill him?
MANTIS: [suddenly checks the battery again] Ocelot, you are a f*cking asshole! … [looks at his cue cards and nearly faints in shock] … …Same to you, Josh!
ME: Whoa, whoa. ME!? What the hell!?!?!?
MANTIS: Well, stop censoring the f-word!
ME: Calm down, man! Okay… I'm taking off the censors…
MANTIS: Ocelot, you are a fucking asshole! [reads line again] Hey! Thanks! This is cool! [so happy that he starts levitating every sharp object and sends them to drop on random Genomes] You mother-fucking genome! Fuck you, too!
LIQUID: Bloody hell, Mantis! Why the bloody hell did you call bloody Ocelot a bloody asshole!?
MANTIS: Because of this!!! [picks up the AAA battery]
LIQUID: So what?
MANTIS: The AAA battery that Ocelot the asshole used was an "AAA Certified CAR Battery!"
LIQUID: [looks at battery again] Ocelot, you sorry-assed son-of-a-bitch!!!
OCELOT: …sorry…
MANTIS: Boss… I have a good idea.
$$$
SNAKE: …uhg… …what the hell was I dreaming!? Must be the crack… [Calls: +140.85 (Colonel/Naomi) Naomi!!! Answer!
%%%
NAOMI: What!?!?!?
SNAKE: [all panicky] What… the… hell… was… that!?
CAMPBELL: Must've been Psycho Mantis.
???: It was me, you son-of-a-bitch!!!
SNAKE: How'd you get our codec number, Mantis?
MANTIS: Well… my girlfriend's dumped me ever since yesterday, and since then, I've been working at McDonald's and ripping off customers so I can get money to buy a codec unit. These are so cool!!!
CAMPBELL: Oh… so that's why I ordered 50 bags of fries when all I wanted was a Happy Meal…
MANTIS: Anyway, don't tell my Boss or my allies, but I'll help you out… my number's 141.76 – my psychic hotline.
NAOMI: Was Mantis even supposed to be in this conversation?
SNAKE: I'm done here. Colonel, you don't mind if I look at your niece's ass, do you?
CAMPBELL: Be my guest.
%%%
SNAKE: [calls out to the Genome, who's shooting at Snake] Stop shooting!
GENOME: [still shooting]
SNAKE: I gotta find a way to make her stop shooting…
ME: [holding up a time card] One second later…
SNAKE: …you suck!
GENOME: [still shooting]
ME: [holding another time card] Two seconds later…
SNAKE: [to self] …this is gonna work for sure! [to Genome] Hey! Nice ass… bitch!
GENOME: [stops shooting] Uh-huh… whatever… [does that stupid hand gesture]
SNAKE: [replies w/ the finger]
[doors close]
MANTIS: [appears out of nowhere] Good girl… Snake, I think you should hit on this one… hee…
SNAKE: …yeah… [aims gun at Mantis] …finish your damn line!
MANTIS: …just like that… [disappears]
SNAKE: [now in elevator] Now where to?
1F: TANK HANGAR
B1F: HOLDING CELLs/TORTURE ROOM
B2F: ARMORY ç
B3F: TOP SECRET PLACE WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S MASTER MILLER
Chapter 4 …ready to go!