METAL GEAR SOLID
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
I think a little ingenuity would help me out more…
Disclaimer: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid.
CHAPTER IV:
C4 Gives You Superpowers
0557 hrs.
Shadow Moses
Tank Hangar B2F: Armory
SNAKE: [reads chapter's title] Whoa! It DOES!?!?!?
GENOME #11: Hum-de-dum… [walking around aimlessly at the other side of the Armory]
GENOME #12: [currently reading Playboy]
GENOME #13: I'm SO unlucky! [walks into a pitfall trap]
SNAKE: Well… that takes care of one…
GENOME #12: looks at Snake's direction] !?!?!? #11! Get over here!
[#11 runs to #12]
GENOME #11: What!?
GENOME #12: [points at Snake] Look over there!
[#11 looks]
SNAKE: [sweating bullets]
[#11's jaw drops]
SNAKE: [sweat has now flooded half of the Armory]
GENOME #11: Whoa!!! Who's that!?
SNAKE: [starts crying for his mommy… but stops, remembering that he doesn't have a mommy] Please!!! Don't shoot! I know I'm the guy that you wanna kill, but please!!! I've got 50 huskies at home and they're my only family!
GENOME #11 & #12: [notice Snake for the first time]
GENOME #12: Dude, we're not talking about you! Look! [points above Snake, where, lo and behold, hangs large posters of naked female movie stars]
GENOMES & SNAKE: Whoa…
GENOME #13: [climbs out of trap] …oh… what'd I miss?
[#11 & #12 are so busy looking at posters that they don't hear him]
GENOME #13: Why is nobody answering… [spots Snake] !!!
(ALERT MODE)
GENOMES 11 & 12: [still staring]
SNAKE: Damn! [pulls out SOCOM & aims at #13]
GENOME #13: I'm gonna cut ya', bitch!
(EVASION MODE)
GENOME #13: *clank* Huh!? What was that noise!? [walks off to the side]
GENOME #11: [to Snake] Now's your chance to live! Run!!!
SNAKE: [walks in front of #13] …shit!
GENOME #13: Too late, Snake! Now die!
GENOME #12: Oh, really? [shoots #13]
(NORMAL MODE)
SNAKE: Thanks… [is about to shoot when he starts to reconsider] …you know… you guys should defect.
GENOME #11: Really? Who else is?
SNAKE: Psycho Mantis.
GENOME #12: …okay! We'll join Mantis who has joined you! Of course… we're gonna have to find a digital camera so we get snapshots of those posters for us to save.
SNAKE: Okay… I'll make a deal. I'll let you guys live and I'll let you use a digital camera if I find one.
GENOME #11: What's our end of the bargain?
SNAKE: One, you got to get me copies of the pictures.
GENOME #12: Okay…
GENOME #11: And?
SNAKE: Two… tell me the secret about C4.
GENOME #12: Well, all I know is it looks like green clay with an arrow tip. It's explosive only if you detonate it, but it's 100% safe. Well, it must have given us two supervision. Hope you get something better than us.
SNAKE: Okay… I'll see you guys later… [walks away from them and looks for C4]
[#11 & #12 act like nothing happened.]
SNAKE: Well… which door is it?
+140.77 (Josh)
%%%
ME: …
SNAKE: Who is this?
ME: Wrong number…
%%%
+141.76 (Mantis)
%%%
MANTIS: Over by the door to your right.
%%%
SNAKE: [goes in door labeled "C4"] Cool. [sets it up] Just how do I blow it up? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]
%%%
SNAKE: Colonel, how do I destroy this… piece of clay?
CAMPBELL: [looks at the cheap-ass strategy guide] …dunno.
SNAKE: You suck!
%%%
SNAKE: Who else should I call? [Calls: 141.80 (Miller)]
%%%
LIQUID: …Raven can't even get me popcorn… shit! [dons disguise] …oh, Hi! Snake… um…
SNAKE: How do I detonate C4?
MILLER: Um… I think you have to press the Action Button…
SNAKE: [presses Action Button, but nothing happens]
MILLER: Snake, you idiot! "Circle"! Not "Triangle"!!!
SNAKE: Well? So who cares if this isn't Metal Gear Solid 2?
[long pause]
MILLER: [breaks the ice by saying some advice] Snake, you know that 70% of body warmth is lost through your head?
SNAKE: Yeah… And?
MILLER: Put on a hat.
SNAKE: Hats suck. Bandanas rule!
MILLER: *sniff* …but… …I thought you liked hats!
SNAKE: So? I'll detonate this C4 if it kills me, and I don't need anyone's damn help!
[long pause]
SNAKE: …um… where's the detonator again?
MILLER: [falls animé-style] On your hand!!!
%%%
SNAKE: Now why didn't he tell me- [hits the switch, causing the C4 to explode and sends metallic shrapnel everywhere… although C4's made of plastic…]
(ALERT MODE)
GENOME #12: [rushes over to explosion, only to find Snake] Dude, you're supposed to rub it on, not plant and detonate it! Smart-ass! [walks back to the posters]
(NORMAL MODE)
SNAKE: Oh… now you tell me! [puts C4 on Sneaking Suit] Whoa… I'm dizzy… my world's… turning… blank…
[flash]
[white flash]
[bright white flash]
[super bright white flash]
[extreme super bright white flash]
[more extreme super bright white flash]
[even more extreme super bright white flash]
[completely even more extreme super bright white flash]
GENOME #11: [notices flash] What the fuck!? #12!?
GENOME #12: Snake's first C4 use, #11!
SNAKE: [has gotten up from the floor] Whoa… what the hell…
[scene changes to some city-ish background…]
GENOME #12: [imitating Morpheus from The Matrix] Prepare to enter… "The Matrix!" …I meant, um… "The C4!"
SNAKE: …so where are my powers?
GENOME #11: Test yourself on this! [pulls & throws a frag grenade from the 4th Dimension at Snake]
*boom*
SNAKE: [just standing there as if nothing happened] …cool.
0618 hrs.
Shadow Moses
Tank Hangar B2F: Armory – South
[wall busts open in chunks]
SNAKE: …so what if I didn't blow up the stupid wall, guys?
+140.96 (Mei Ling)
%%%
MEI LING: Sorry, Snake. The radar isn't working here due to the fact that something's screwing it up.
SNAKE: Right. So anyway… I wanna save.
…
MEI LING: Here's another quote: "When in doubt, use salt." You do have salt, do you?
SNAKE: What for?
MEI LING: Salt makes things more painful… like slugs.
SNAKE: [who obviously didn't go to school] Uh… okay.
MEI LING: Snake, another quote, on the house: "Those who lay eyes on the serpent with the powers of 'Composité Explosivá Quatro' shall be killed unless spared." Think what that means, Snake.
%%%
SNAKE: I don't get it. [rams the remaining walls & sees Baker tied up] Man… am I too late? [walks up, slaps Baker for no reason]
BAKER: …ow…
SNAKE: Yay! He's alive! [attempts to slap him again]
BAKER: …uhng… …don't touch it…
SNAKE: C4!? All right! [yanks it all off while magic meter slowly increases] Man… 500 special points…
*bang*
SNAKE: Dumbass! My foot! [life meter down 20%]
???: Right… touch the wire, and the C4… [looks at his C4 trap, quickly realizing that there is no C4 trap] …Wait a minute… I could have sworn that I put some there before… aw, shit. You got my C4!
SNAKE: Okay… you said your line…
???: So you're the one the Boss keeps talking about… …sometimes I wish he'd just shut the hell up.
SNAKE: The "Boss"?
???: Yeah, him. I mean, he's a cool guy and all, but he gets so annoying with his Gundam speeches and—
SNAKE: Nobody told me listening to conversations about animés was involved in this mission!
???: Anyway…
SNAKE: And you?
???: [starts twirling revolver around] Special Operations… Unit FOXHOUND… Revolver Ocelot. I've been waiting for you, Snake. [finger is stuck] Dammit! F-you!
SNAKE: What the hell? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]
%%%
CAMPBELL: [who has been playing Medal Of Honor: Frontline for the past three hours and is stuck on the "D-Day" Campaign] …damn you, Patterson!
NAOMI: *slap* Colonel, Snake's on…
CAMPBELL: …um, hey, Snake.
SNAKE: Naomi, can you slap him again?
NAOMI: [smiles] Sure! *slap*
CAMPBELL: Naomi, you sorry-assed prick! I'm gonna—
SNAKE: Colonel, you are a pathetic son-of-a-bitch who's a lousy liar.
CAMPBELL: What!?
SNAKE: How'd Ocelot know I was coming!?
CAMPBELL: Um… ya' see… I… um…
NAOMI: …
SNAKE: …
ME: [holding up time cards once again] Two seconds later…
CAMPBELL: Snake… um… I… don't… have… complete… access… to… the… files…
SNAKE: You expect me to believe that you're a middleman!?
CAMPBELL: Yes. I was only told that Liquid Snake is a gay prick. About Metal Gear… um… it's big… and that's all I know.
SNAKE: About Ocelot…
NAOMI: Revolver Ocelot specializes in extreme torture. He uses methods such as pelting people with rubber duckies.
SNAKE: Wow… no wonder he missed when he shot me. I'll try a new tactic.
CAMPBELL: What is it?
SNAKE: Salt.
%%%
OCELOT: Now we'll see if the man can live up to the legend!
SNAKE: Cool. Wait… I'm a legend!?
OCELOT: [to self] Idiot. [shows Snake his gun] This is the greatest gun ever made… the… um… what the hell is this gun called!?!?!?
SNAKE: …I don't know… the Colt Single-Action-Army, perhaps?
OCELOT: …whatever… [drawing stance]
SNAKE: [drawing stance]
[silence, except for the occasional tumbleweed]
MANTIS: [pops his head outta nowhere] Tumbleweed in Alaska?
MR. KOJIMA: SHUT UP!!!
MANTIS: Whoops. My bad. [vanishes]
ME: [with time cards] One minute later…
OCELOT: DRAW!
[white flash ends the cutscene]
SNAKE: [pulls out a pen and starts drawing various pictures: Gundam Deathscythe, Hamtaro, a Red Eyes Black Metal Dragon, you, and a snake]
OCELOT: [is about to shoot Snake in the foot again] Don't you want to settle this!?
SNAKE: [now drawing Link from LoZ] …after Link's hair is colored, okay, man?
OCELOT: How long?
SNAKE: I'd say an hour. …or two seconds. [pulls SOCOM out]
OCELOT: [hides like a prancing sissy] No! I'm outta bullets! Wait, that's a good thing!
SNAKE: ?
OCELOT: I love to reload during a battle. [gets shot in the ass] Nothing like slamming a long, silver bullet… into a well-greased chamber…
SNAKE: …aah! Gay man! RUN!!!
BAKER: Mmmfh!
SNAKE: Huh?
OCELOT: I understand the bullets, you see. I make 'em go where I want. [fires & shoves a bullet up Snake's ass, taking away all but 2% life]
SNAKE: Oh, yeah? [starts glowing]
OCELOT: What the— [is interrupted by Snake, who just punched him]
SNAKE: NEVER underestimate the power of C4! [black pair of shades appear over his eyes]
OCELOT: Hurry up and die for me, you American fat-ass!!! *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *bang* *click*
SNAKE: [now wearing a black trench coat] I don't think so. [holds hand out while bullets stop in midair]
OCELOT: !!! Oh, shit!
SNAKE: [pulls out two M-60s and fires] MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
[instead of bullets, salt fires out]
OCELOT: [dives away in time] Salt!? What the hell?
SNAKE: *click* *click* [drops M-60s and pulls out a Glock and an Uzi] Time to die! [fires at Ocelot]
OCELOT: [dodges the bullets by doing that wall trick that Trinity from The Matrix does]
SNAKE: ???
OCELOT: Hah! Little do you know that I also gained superpowers from C4!
SNAKE: [looks up] Well, little do you know that your magic meter has run out.
OCELOT: Damn!
SNAKE: Also, I have 99.999% of mine left.
OCELOT: Double damn!
SNAKE: Allow me to continue… [takes out the Master Sword from the Legend of Zelda series… and a rock]
OCELOT: !?!?!?
SNAKE: Hylian Baseball! [whacks Ocelot by hitting the rock w/ the Master Sword]
(a couple of pitches and one hour of batting lessons later)
OCELOT: [has a black eye, a bloody arm, and some stubbed toes] You're pretty good. Just what I'd expect from the man who, like his brother, has the same codename.
SNAKE: [plays some random song with the Ocarina of Time and summons Geno the Doll from Super Mario RPG]
GENO: Geno Blast! [the blast roasts everything! …except for Ocelot and Baker]
SNAKE: Stupid doll! [shoots Geno and sends him to the Evil Realm by accident]
OCELOT: It's been a long time since I had a good fight… [pulls out a M1 Garand] …but I'm just getting warmed up!
???: Ha-ha, Ocelot. I've come for that arm!
OCELOT: What!? *slice* My hand! It didn't fall off!
???: Damn, I missed. Russian prick!
OCELOT: Stealth camouflage… can't you even live right!?
SNAKE: Of course I can't! [fakes his death]
OCELOT: You weren't lucky! We'll never meet again! [runs away, screaming "I'm a pansy! I'm a pansy!"]
SNAKE: [aims SOCOM] Who are you!?
???: I'm like you. I have no name.
SNAKE: Dude, I got a name. It's David.
???: Fine then! I'm like you. I have no last name.
SNAKE: Yeah I do! It's… well… come to think of it, I don't know what it is. [Calls Mr. Kojima]
%%%
MR. KOJIMA: [playing Zone Of the Enders] …stupid little… …oh, hi, Snake! What can I help you with?
SNAKE: What's my last name?
MR. KOJIMA: Well… I didn't really give you a last name.
SNAKE: WHAT!?!?!?
MR. KOJIMA: However… I can give you one right now. First, I must ask you a simple question.
SNAKE: Okay… shoot.
MR. KOJIMA: Who's your voice in Metal Gear Solid?
SNAKE: [cheats by pulling a PDA with one of those wireless internet connecters] Um… some guy named David Hayter.
ME: This is true! Don't believe me? Check the credits screen when you beat the game!
MR. KOJIMA: There. That is your last name.
SNAKE: Cool. I'll see you later.
%%%
???: So… what's your last name?
SNAKE: It's Hayter.
???: ARRGGGHHHH!!!!! I wasn't expecting you to go this far! How do you do it!?
SNAKE: Simple. [pulls out some C4]
???: Uh-huh… no, really…
SNAKE: I'm not kidding!
???: Sure… anyway… beat this one! I'm like you. I have no middle name.
SNAKE: Aw, damn. You win, you cyborg ninja freak.
BAKER: Um… a little help here…
NINJA: Okay. [slices every wire]
[*boom*?]
SNAKE: Hey? Where's the cream filling? Um… I mean… where's the boom!?
NINJA: Dumbass. Snake, you took the C4, so therefore, nothing exploded.
BAKER: But I thought that the C4 Ocelot set up explodes when the wires are… oh, shit. [hobbles away from Snake]
NINJA: Um, see ya… on the other side…?
*boom*
ME: And what do we have? We got a smoking Snake!
SNAKE: [burnt to a crisp and smoking his cigs] I'm alive!
BAKER: Thanks to the C4, that is.
SNAKE: Shut up!
NINJA: Dude, you skipped a line…
BAKER: Hmm… oh, I almost forgot. That… that exoskeleton!
NINJA: I hate this part. This is gonna suck a lot— YYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
SNAKE: What the hell?
NINJA: ARRGGGHHHH!!!!! [runs off]
SNAKE: Can you talk?
BAKER: Oh, me? Sure I can!
SNAKE: Um… your detonation code…
BAKER: Barney and the Teletubbies rule.
SNAKE: Aah! What have you done? You put stuffed dinosaurs and sadistic alien-like babies into nuclear technology!?
BAKER: No! That is the password…
SNAKE: Freak. Anyway, how'd they get your password?
BAKER: Well, I was able to make sure Psycho Mantis didn't get mine.
SNAKE: How?
BAKER: I resisted the dark side of the Force.
SNAKE: ?
BAKER: Oh! I meant that I have surgical implants in my brain. Everyone who knows these stupid, simple, not-so-top-secret codes has 'em.
SNAKE: Same with the DARPA Chief?
BAKER: Yup.
SNAKE: But he said… wait a minute!
BAKER: What?
SNAKE: I never got the chance to talk to him. He was shot.
BAKER: Oh. That's great, Jim. Now you wanna shut me up.
SNAKE: ?
BAKER: Um… nothing. Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you some crappy speech Mr. Kojima made, but I don't wanna tell you.
SNAKE: Okay. I'll tell Josh. [calls me and says exactly what Baker said; I now tell that to Mr. Kojima]
[…meanwhile…]
MR. KOJIMA: WHAT!? He SAID that!?
ME: Yup. Personally, Mr. Kojima, I don't hate the script. I hate Baker.
MR. KOJIMA: [grabs his cell phone] Hello? Hi! Yes… …uh-huh… [insert some weird noise here] …What? Never mind… …just start it.
[the Power Rangers theme song plays]
MR. KOJIMA: [still on the phone] NNNNNOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not that!!! FoxDie! …no. You don't get it. FoxDie. Okay!? Bye. *click*
[…and we're back…]
SNAKE: …so I says, "Why the long face?"
BAKER: That's funny! You kill me! [has a heart attack] Aah! Those Pentagon pricks! So they… actually… went and did it!
SNAKE: Wha…
BAKER: There's this girl… I gave her a PAL key… had a uniform… nice ass, too…
SNAKE: The chick in the cell!?
BAKER: Call her… her number's on the CD case…
SNAKE: What's happening!?
BAKER: They're… just… using you… for… …for… …the… *gag* [dies; PAN Card and MO Disk fall out]
SNAKE: [Calls: +140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]
%%%
SNAKE: What the hell??? Naomi!
NAOMI: Snake, I… I don't know!
CAMPBELL: This sucks.
SNAKE: I don't believe in coincidences.
NAOMI: …or maybe you're bad luck.
SNAKE: I don't believe in superstitions.
CAMPBELL: Yeah. So, what did he drop?
SNAKE: His ID and a copy of StarCraft: Brood War.
NAOMI: Brood War? I want it! Where?
SNAKE: Right here! [waves it on codec screen]
CAMPBELL: Right. So what do we do again? [reads the strategy guide] Hmm… it says that Wolf… [goes in his trance again] aah… Wolf…
SNAKE: Naomi, do me a favor and tell him to shut the fuck up. I'm tired of his yapping.
NAOMI: So am I.
%%%
SNAKE: I feel the sudden urge to call someone and learn something new! [Calls: 141.52 (Nastasha)]
%%%
NASTASHA: [sees Snake holding the Brood War case] That is a copy of one of the bestseller games in the world: Brood War. Personally, although we humans are also known as Terrans, I hate them.
SNAKE: Why?
NASTASHA: Nukes. Those damn Ghosts. Always drop nukes on Battle.Net – it gets old fast.
SNAKE: Some advice would be fine, Nastasha…
NASTASHA: Oh. Well, try having fun.
SNAKE: How?
NASTASHA: Well, start a "Free-For-All" match by yourself as the Protoss. Put the cheat codes "power overwhelming" and "the gathering" in. Then make a couple of Dark Archons and maybe a Shuttle or two, for transportation. Learn "Mind Control", then send it in the middle of a fight between two or more computers. Try and see how many people you can get before your new units kill them.
SNAKE: I'm gonna try that. Anything else?
NASTASHA: Yes. Do the same thing as above, but instead of a battle, send the Dark Archons to an enemy base. Check to make sure the computer uses a lot of harvester units at one geyser or mineral patch. Control one, then watch as everyone gangs up on it.
SNAKE: Cool. Later.
(A/N: This is fun. You should try it!)
%%%
SNAKE: Okay, let's just get on with the chapter. [goes in the elevator while waving bye to #11 and #12]
1F: TANK HANGAR ç
B1F: HOLDING CELLs/TORTURE ROOM
B2F: ARMORY
B3F: TOP SECRET PLACE WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S MASTER MILLER
Is Snake blind? He can't see "B3F: TOP SECRET PLACE WHERE LIQUID SAYS HE'S MASTER MILLER?"
Oh, well. Chapter 5 is up, and don't forget to e-mail!