Rogue sighed heavily, placing her head somberly on the cool kitchen table. Her body trembled from the lack of what had become a part of herself, but she fought it down. Two days ago, she had sworn to quit, had sworn to herself she would never gulp down or even sip another drop of whiskey or anything similar to it. And, so far, with much inner conflict and torment, she had managed to do it. Why? What had been her reason?
Simply because she knew Logan would need her. He would need her, Rogue, not a drunken woman that had almost become an unrecognizable stranger. He would need her.
It had been almost a full week since Logan and Jean's separation, followed by the file for a divorce. Rumor had spread around the school like wildfire; some students had heard Jean sobbing in Scott's bedroom right after Logan disappeared... they also knew that at the time, she hadn't been wearing any clothing. And the fact that Jean had recently began avoiding everyone as much as she could possibly get away with confirmed all suspicion. No one could look at her the same again. Not for a long time.
Logan himself was almost a ghost. Merely a whisper passing through the halls at night, but hardly anyone caught a long enough look at him. Most thought he only wanted to be alone and respected that, and very few others knew better.
Rogue had been searching for him, waiting for him, earnestly wanting to help him through this, to show that she still loved him. Now, in a sober state she cursed herself for avoiding him all these months. Despite the emptiness corroding inside of herself, she should have at least done something to make him realize that she didn't hate him or blame him. She'd only been unable to cope, unable to see him every day while knowing he would so detached from her. It was because of her own weakness and inability to be around him that she stayed away. Maybe if she had made a little more effort and swallowed it down, he wouldn't be so hard to find now. In fact, barely anyone knew where he spent his time.
After a few more days, impatience began to wear on her and she finally picked her head up from the table and went looking for him. She searched every room, opening doors she'd never even seen in her entire time at the mansion. She became disheartened after every door revealed to an empty room full of chairs and dust, or full of other residents at the mansion whom she never really knew. And she almost gave up, her resolve to never touch another drop of whiskey almost breaking away as she planned another overnight sojourn in the woods.
At last, she came across the entrance to the cellar, and with some difficulty opening the door which had been shut tightly against the frame, she finally managed and stopped at the head of the stairs. It was the smell of cigars and the confused shuffling of boots against the pavement that gave her hope. With an increasing excitement she stepped lightly down the stairs, holding her breath.
And, there he was. Logan. Slumped up against the wall, with a nearly empty bottle of hard whiskey clutched in his hands. Rogue's heart pounded in shock at the irony, seeing him in a position she was almost constantly in. His eyes were red and blotchy, gazing into a faraway world beyond anything she could imagine as he lifted the bottle to his lips, and sucked down another tumblefull of liquor.
Rogue stood frozen, just looking at him. Her already scarred heart bled again at the sight of the utter hopelessness he had been left in. A feeling of rage and indignance ignited within her as she thought of what Jean had done to him, and she hated the woman, more than she ever had before. Jean, with her incapacity of staying faithful, had done this to him.
Logan's senses, increasingly delayed at the intense quantities of alcohol running through his veins, finally picked up her scent, but it still took a minute for him to register who it was. He swallowed hard, letting the bottle drop from his mouth and then he only stared dumbly at it.
It figured, that after all of these months of not seeing her, she would find him here, drinking his life away. He felt weak in front of her; exposed and vulnerable. He, who should have been the strong one, who should have taken care of her, instead of avoiding her and spying on her from a distance, was found hidden away in the cellar basement, his fingers wrapped tightly around the neck of a whiskey bottle. A feeling of degradation and failure filled him, and finally he stood up, knowing he had hit rock bottom.
"Marie," he said hoarsely, taking her in and trying to catch his breath. He looked at her everywhere but her eyes; he couldn't bring himself to look there yet. But, she was still so beautiful. Marie had always been beautiful.... His Marie.
The sight of her standing in front of him, the white streaks falling lightly down her shoulders while the rest of the dark brown hair followed suit, made him realize just how much he had missed having her near him all that time. The large, gaping hole in the pit of his belly had never seemed so apparent to him until now, until it was partially eased.
She merely gazed at him, and when he finally brought his clouded hazel eyes up to her chocolate brown ones, he saw tears glistening there, ready to spill at the slightest provocation. At the look of sadness on her face, Logan felt his body begin to tremble. Not once in his present life had he ever felt more shame than this.
"Lo-," the words were inaudible as she realized that her throat had become choked with emotion and she could barely make a word out. More than anything, she wanted to hold him in her arms and tell him everything was fine. More than anything, she wanted him to feel good again....
The silence was making him uncomfortable, and Logan could only imagine what thoughts were running through her mind. He was despicable. He knew it; felt it everywhere on him that he had somehow become the lowest there was, and he felt like he was being passed judgment by the one person in the world he had ever wanted to love him.
He needed to say something, as if in explanation for what he had done, and why he had forged himself away. But, his mind went blank. A low rumbling sounded in his throat, as the need to break the thick silence turned desperate. He couldn't stand the thought of those thoughts running through her head, condemning him and seeing him for the weak man that he was.
"I-," he cleared his throat, shifting his eyes to hers for the first time. Her expression was unreadable, and her eyes held an unmistakable mark of sorrow. Despite the seriousness of the situation, Logan felt something shift in his stomach, while a sudden elation struck him. He was looking into her eyes, and she wasn't hating him - yet. It gave off a small chance of hope.
"I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise." He was sorry for giving in, for not being stronger and holding fast onto their friendship. For letting everything fall down the drain while he watched it slip away from sight.
Rogue's chin trembled as a sob rose up from her throat. "Oh, god." Without warning, she closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck. This stupid man. No matter what, he always tried to blame himself, always tried to apologize for something he hadn't done directly. Always tried to goddamn protect her, and berated himself when he felt like he'd failed. "No, Logan," she breathed, clinging tighter to him and loving the feel of him. Too long had she gone without him - without her best friend. "Don't- don't-...."
He buried his face into her neck, his arms wrapping tightly around her waist and holding her close to him, needing to feel her everywhere. This woman - he needed her. And, he had her again - and no one knew how long it would last.
He hoped it'd last forever.
He felt his body begin to shake again, and pulled her closer to him again. She was solid, she was real, she was something he could hold on to. Marie had always been his rock; his everything. She was the only one he needed. The only one.
More than anything, she wanted to tell him she loved him. Wanted to tell him everything she'd done these last few months- hell, she even wanted to tell him about the whiskey, about how she was breaking without him, about how she needed him, and about how he should never ever blame himself for what he didn't have control over. It wasn't his fault. Nothing. He had tried being happy with Jean, and she had avoided him because of it. She had left him when she knew for a fact that he needed her more than anyone. And she needed him.
"Logan, I-" she managed between sobs, inclining her head backwards a bit in order to be able to look in his eyes. "It's not your fault," she whispered, cupping his cheek with her hands. He looked away, but she gently pulled his face back toward her, so he was gazing directly at her. "It's not-" The sound of children playing outside close to the cellar windows stopped her, and she felt as if the moment was slipping from her. Unconsciously, her fingers around his chin slinked toward the back of his neck, gently stroking the skin.
The touch of her fingers sent a thrill down his spine, and he felt bombarded with so many emotions, constantly suppressed ever since that night he first opened the bottle... He could feel himself breaking already, could feel his body screaming that this was too much, that this was too much at a moment where his mind was not even the slightest bit sober.
But, he needed her. Needed her near him - needed to have her love him, and to tell him so.
"I-" He ran his hands through her hair, caught up in a feeling of bliss. Never had he felt this happy, and never had he wanted her so much. "I love you, Marie," he whispered into her hair, closing his eyes and hoping to memorize the scent of her and keep it with him always.
He had spoken the words so softly, but without regret and with an absolute forthright honesty. Rogue had to strain her ears to catch the whisper, and when the words registered, her heart stopped - then began beating again, faster and faster until she felt her chest would burst.
"I love you, too, Logan," she whispered back, a tear sliding shamelessly down her cheek. "Always." She knew he meant it when he said he loved her. Because he had loved her still, on the day he'd left with Jean for their honeymoon. At the time he'd been confused by the fact that she was no longer just 'kid', and angry at himself that the realization had come too late. He also hadn't want to hurt her. Because somehow, everything he touched in this world turned to ash - it was destroyed. More than anything, he hadn't wanted to destroy her.
They stayed in their embrace for a long time, just holding each other, breathing as one and feeling comforted and content just by the other's presence. That was one of those moments where you wish time could freeze, because it was perfect. Whatever the future held, and whatever had happened in the past didn't matter anymore because you had found one moment where everything was perfect.
If only time could freeze.
Even though Logan was elated and exhilarated beyond words, the liquor in his bloodstream was taking a toll on him. Emotions he hadn't felt in too long of a time now catapulted him like boulders, and he found himself short of breath, not exactly knowing how to deal with the sudden influx.
The grip his arms had on Marie's back lessened, and he found himself stepping away from her. His fingers were shaking, and the cold whipped against his warmed skin like ice. If only he could reverse everything or go back in time. If only he could erase what he had done. Erase what he had missed out on. If he could, he'd go all the way back, back to the first he'd ever laid his eyes on Jean, and wished he could have just turned the other way. All those years he had fought with himself, trying to convince his heart that it was wrong and monstrous to feel that way about the young girl with white streaks. She had been so young....
But, he could have waited. And now the word 'wrong' wasn't even apart of his vocabulary. Now, there was only Marie.
"Logan...?"Her hand reached out to him, and he didn't pull away as her fingertips rested on his shoulder.
"I'm sorry," he said hoarsely, avoiding her eyes. He was sorry for the mess he had created, for what he hadn't fixed.. for the way things were so screwed up now.
Marie swallowed. The expression of remorse knocked her in the stomach. He hadn't meant it. Maybe he had once - a long time ago. But, now....
A thought suddenly struck her with absolute horror. She was taking advantage of his vulnerability. She had almost forgotten, that just earlier that week he had caught his wife in the arms of another man. Marie backed up, hugging her arms to herself guiltily as she suddenly felt like a monster. She had come looking for him to comfort him, not to take advantage and ease her own need to be wanted and loved by him.
Maybe he had only said 'I love you' because he needed to love someone, and have them love him, just for the sake of his sanity. She was the only one who had given him the chance.
She loved him. And, for a moment, she had believed that he loved her back. But, it was all an illusion. It was the same thing she had done with Scott the night Logan had gotten married. She looked for comfort in someone's arms. And, then she had forgotten about him ever since.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, turning her head. "Logan, I- I'll be here for you, it's just that-" she stuttered, a sudden need burning inside of her, trying to cover up what she really needed and wanted. What her mind focused on at that moment was the tiny ditch she had dug in the earth of the woods, and what lay in it.
He didn't love her. She was like Scott - someone there to hold on to. But, it meant nothing.
Biting back a sob, she whispered another apology and dashed up the stairs, blind and deaf to anything but what was in her mind, coaxing her with promises to numb the heartbreak.
He hardly had time to register that she had left, and when he opened his mouth to call out to her, to scream her name, the door shut with a resonating bang.
She was gone.
He didn't know why, but he felt the blame lying on himself without explanation. He always screwed up. That's why Jean had left him for someone else. And that's why Marie had left him just now.
He did nothing but screw up.
Jean tensed as she heard his languid footsteps echoing on the hardwood floor. Even before he made his appearance, she could smell the liquor on his breath, drifting down the hallway like thick smoke.
He stopped at seeing her there, sitting apprehensively on the edge of the bed. After that, he didn't move at all - only stared, his heavy breathing becoming the only sound in the room.
Smoothing her hand nervously over her red hair, Jean cleared her throat and stood up, her heart thundering in her chest. "I - I never got the chance to say I was sorry." There was no shift of movement on his part, not even the flutter of an eye. The awkwardness filled the room until she felt even more detached from her purpose; she felt like an intruder. "I know it doesn't make much of a difference now, but for what it's worth..." she trailed off as his eyes closed and he turned his head away, leaning his back up against the doorframe.
"Save it. We're getting divorced and that's the end of it."
His voice was hard and cold as stone, and the expression on his face even more so. Jean ducked her head in shame. She had spent months married to this man standing in front of her, yet she still didn't know him - or understand him for that matter. He had been everything she'd always imagine the first few months, and now....
Jean glanced up at him, curiosity biting at her more than she could ever admit. She needed to know what had happened. She needed to know why, when everything had seemed so wonderful, he had suddenly given up....
Bracing herself quickly, Jean closed her eyes for a moment, searching. Logan's thoughts were in a jumble, tied up into a complex knot of pain and bottled up emotion. An incredible wave of sadness rushed through her, and it took all of her self-control not to shout in pain and lose the grip she had on his mind. There- memories flashed in front of her mind's eyes, and she saw the moment with Rogue. Saw them embrace while they cried into each others arms, and the whiskey bottle crashed to the ground. She saw him whisper 'I love you' into the woman's dark hair, and heard her return the words, filled with so much honesty and meaning that Jean couldn't hold on anymore. She let go of his memory and broke down, sobbing. Her arms flew up to her face as tears slipped down her cheeks, leaving burning trails.
Logan glanced over at her almost guiltily. He had felt her inside of mind, and knew exactly what had made her break down. No words were exchanged between them, and the only noise in the room was Jean trying to stifle her tears. During her whole entire marriage with him, she had never witnessed or even felt anything slightly close to the overwhelmingly pure love he had felt for Rogue. Never.... never...
She raced from the room, brushing past him as she disappeared down into the hallway, unsure of where she would go. Unsure of herself, and everything she had believed in. Suddenly, she had understood him. Finally, she knew who he had truly loved all these years... and it wasn't her.