METAL GEAR SOLID
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Man… summer is boring sometimes… here's part 5.
Disclaimer: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid. We know that.
CHAPTER V:
Meryl and Mind Control I
0635 hrs.
Shadow Moses
Tank Hangar 1F
SNAKE: So what's her number again? [goes to get the mine detector]
[surprisingly, no Genomes are present]
SNAKE: Wonder where they are…? [looks in the room he found the SOCOM in] Neato. Some thermal goggles. [equips them although it's not needed at this moment]
[cameras are off]
SNAKE: Odd… [Calls: 140.15 (???)]
%%%
???: Who are you?
SNAKE: I was really impressed with the tight ass you got.
???: …
MR. KOJIMA: [somewhere with me in KCEJ's HQ, slapping his forehead 'cause Snake screwed his line] Damn you, Snake!!!
SNAKE: [hears Mr. Kojima] …oh, did I say that? I… er… meant, um, …really impressed with your bust size.
???: …
MR. KOJIMA: [slaps forehead again] Why me!?
ME: Snake, that's not the right line.
SNAKE: [turns on the optional 3-way calling] [to Me] Don't blame me! I forgot it, and all I remember was a word with "bust" in it. So I thought "bust size" would work.
MR. KOJIMA: Just get on with it!
???: The one from the swamp…? …I mean prison.
SNAKE: You're Meryl, right?
GENOME Not him… just who are you?
SNAKE: I'll tell you who I am. I'm… you! I'm your shadow! Wait a minute… is that my line?
MILLER: [after turning on the 4-way calling] Snake, you bloody prick! That's mine! MY line!!!
[Ocelot can now be seen in Miller's codec screen]
OCELOT: Yo', Liquid! Want a scone?
MILLER: Yes… erm… no! Now go on the bloody lift like I bloody told you to!
[Ocelot doesn't respond]
MILLER: GET ON THE BLOODY FUCKING LIFT!!! NOW, OCELOT!!!
GENOME …
MR. KOJIMA: [hitting himself again since there are now two idiots in this game]
ME: [laughing insanely due to Liquid's – I mean – Miller's screw-up in his line]
SNAKE: [after reading the last few parts] Anyway… lift? Scones? It sounds like I know you.
MILLER: ???
SNAKE: …I didn't know you could do that!
MILLER: …
SNAKE: The question mark thing!
MILLER: You mean this? [does the question mark thing]
ME: Shaddup already!
GENOME To continue… just who exactly are you?
SNAKE: [shuts off links to Miller & Kojima] I'm the damn fool your uncle sent alone into this mess. We go way back.
GENOME How far?
SNAKE: Well, we were friends in elementary school. Then we got jobs. I got to destroy stuff called Metal Gear and he got to sit and eat donuts all day.
GENOME You think you're some one-man army?
SNAKE: [pretending] to think hard] Yes.
ME: [crossing fingers] Say the damn line…
SNAKE: I need lectures. Whoops, I forgot a word.
GENOME Yay! [starts muttering about stuff that not even Nastasha can compare to]
ME: [once again using time cards] "10 Minutes Later…"
GENOME …and then when I was seventeen, my bra strap broke in the middle of combat training—
SNAKE: You're like your uncle, ya'know.
GENOME Who are you?
SNAKE: My name's not important.
GENOME Aha! Could you be Snake?
SNAKE: Naw… look at the fragging script!
GENOME: The legendary Solid Snake!? You!? [takes off mask] Umm… sorry about before. I wasn't sure if you were a good guy or not.
SNAKE: I knew you were.
MERYL: How?
SNAKE: It's your ass.
MERYL: [reddens in embarrassment] …Um… what about it?
SNAKE: Well, it's a sexy, tight ass. Not only that, but I can assure you that most of KCEJ's staff –
ME: [cutting in] Snake, the rating I put for this fic was only for the crude language and the mild sexual themes. I am not putting up an NC-17 story. [ends link]
MERYL: Anyway… [continuing her rambling] …then on the night before the high school mid-term…
SNAKE: [to himself] I should really get a haircut…
MERYL: …me, Julie, and Alexandria hot-wired a BMW-Z3 and drove with our tops off in the highway, and then my uncle –
SNAKE: Enough!!! I've had it! This is a battlefield. Thinking about anything else can get you killed!
MERYL: You're right! I'll open the door to the warhead storage building.
SNAKE: Thanks.
MERYL: Oh, yeah… See ya' there!
SNAKE: Whoa, wait! You forgot to give me your…
%%%
SNAKE: …number… DAMN!
[+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]
%%%
CAMPBELL: Snake, she opened the door. GO!
NAOMI: [is seen in the background playing Tom Clancy's Ghost Recon] I hate it when that happens.
SNAKE: Colonel, your niece is HOT!!!
NAOMI: Wait… I thought I was the hot one!
[screen fades to show Mei Ling]
MEI LING: What about me!?
NAOMI: YOU!?!?!? Snake would never go for egotistical women like you!
MEI LING: Speak for yourself!
CAMPBELL: [moves to the codec console while doing that cartoon sidestep thingy whenever the character is moving away from a fight] Snake… um… who's the hottest?
SNAKE: Colonel, I can't decide that for now. Just save for me… if you can…
…
CAMPBELL: Okay, here's a quote. "Bye."
%%%
0702 hrs.
Shadow Moses
Canyon
SNAKE: This is boring… I wonder who'll call…
[140.48 (???)]
%%%
???: [in some half-computerized, half-robotic voice] Be careful. There are claymore mines there. Use the mine detector. Beware the crack in the ground.
SNAKE: Who is this?
???: Call me "Deepthroat."
[long pause]
SNAKE: Are you a slut?
DEEPTHROAT: No.
SNAKE: Are you gay?
DEEPTHROAT: NO!
SNAKE: Are you a goddamn telemarketer!?
DEEPTHROAT: Yes – I mean - of course not! Why would I be a telemarketer? …you interested in high-frequency blades?
SNAKE: Fuck off!
%%%
SNAKE: Hmm… claymores… mine detector… crack… must smoke…
[crouches, smokes his crack and dozes off for ten minutes]
[MEANWHILE IN KCEJ HQ…]
[Mr. Kojima is on his cell phone]
MR. KOJIMA: …and…
DEEPTHROAT: [on the other end] Phase One is complete. Now to Phase Two!
ME: [activates 3-way calling with a vid-phone] Good. Now watch this! [pulls a PS2 controller from the 4th Dimension and plugs it into a… PS2.]
MR. KOJIMA: Um, Josh… what are you doing?
ME: I'm showing people what happens when you smoke crack. Beware… smoking crack can cause unknown insanity and serious attention from everyone – including telemarketers.
DEEPTHROAT: Yay!
[…and back with Snake…]
SNAKE: [forcibly wakes up] Whoa… what the… what's happening? [Calls: 140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)]
%%%
NAOMI: Snake? What is it?
SNAKE: I'm… like… being… mind-controlled… or something…
NAOMI: Well… um… I don't know what's happening… sorry.
SNAKE: You suck!
%%%
SNAKE: What the hell is happening? [Calls: 140.77 (Me)]
%%%
ME: [not knowing Snake is on] …Fox, keep the telemarketing calls on. Mr. Kojima, get that calling card to Tokyo and… [sees Snake on screen] …um… …oh, hi, Snake! Nothing's happing here. We're just hoping you get through this whole game – err – I mean mission… heh heh. Everything's fine. Please be assured that I… um, we… I meant… nobody… yeah! – nobody is controlling you because of crack. NOBODY.
SNAKE: Right… um… what's with the PS2 controller?
ME: [throws PS2 controller] What PS2 controller?
SNAKE: …whatever…
%%%
SNAKE: HELP!!! [Calls: 140.96 (Mei Ling)]
%%%
MEI LING: So, Snake… am I the hottest?
SNAKE: Quick! Save!
…
MEI LING: Einstein's "E=MC2" theory refers to the formula… the formula… "Snake + Hot Girl = ?" where Snake equals you.
SNAKE: The point is…?
MEI LING: Simple. I'm hot, I'm sexy, and I want you.
SNAKE: …
%%%
SNAKE: [Calls: 141.80 (Miller)]
%%%
LIQUID: …Raven… get… that… that… thing! …out in the field!
[somewhere off-camera]
???'s Voice: [some monotonous Alaskan Native-like accent] Already did, Boss. Can I please watch Nickelodeon now?
MANTIS' Voice: SHUT UP! I can't take it anymore!
???'s VOICE: [female, half-raspy, possibly Iraqi accent] You, Mantis! I wanna watch Rugrats!
???'s Voice: [monotone] NO! Rocket Power!
???'s VOICE: [female] Hey Arnold!
???'s Voice: [monotone] Fairly Oddparents!
???'s VOICE: [female] Wild Thornberrys!
SNAKE: Um… Liquid… sounds like you're busy.
LIQUID: Isn't it obvious, Snake?
SNAKE: Yeah.
LIQUID: Well, can I get you anything?
SNAKE: Hmm… let's see… I want a Whopper, medium fries, some SOCOM ammo, a FAMAS, a strategy guide for the Colonel that ain't some "cheap-ass strategy guide," my two front teeth, some tickets for this year's World Series, a copy of Ghost Recon: Island Thunder, a jet-black Saleen S7 with ten full cans of nitrous, and a partridge in a pear tree.
LIQUID: Hmm… I can't do all of it. I'm flat broke, I just wasted all my pistol ammo on #13's carcass-
[camera pans to show what looks like a mutilated body with flies buzzing all around it. "'I am NOT a gay prick!!!' –Liquid Snake" is "written" on the back.]
LIQUID: -anyway… …all I have are bloddy AK's, this guide I got is a "cheap-ass strategy guide," I don't know the bars to the second stanza, I bribed the MLB to make sure everyone loses, "Desert Siege" is all I have, I got a rusty Nissan Skyline, equipped with a spoiler and 2.3674 cans of radioactive nitroglycerin, and it's past Christmas.
SNAKE: Damn, that sucks. Well, at least get Master on.
LIQUID: He is on.
SNAKE: Whoa! Nice costume, man! You look just like Liquid Snake, man. Where'd you get the costume?
LIQUID: Well, I went to the store to [has now realized his disguise is off] buy… me… a… costume…
SNAKE: …
LIQUID: …Just a sec. [runs off-screen]
SNAKE: [is singing Rob Zombie's "Dragula"] …I slam in the back of my Dragula…
MILLER: Sorry I'm late, mate.
SNAKE: Stop sounding like him.
MILLER: [now aware of the British accent] Oh, sorry.
SNAKE: I swear… you remind me of someone… I just can't quite put my finger on it… [keeps talking how Miller and Liquid sound similar…]
MILLER: [has just grabbed an "official" MIB Neuralizer from the ever-famous 4th Dimension] …nice…
SNAKE: …and then your "costume" looked just like him…
MILLER: [grabs "official" pair of MIB shades from – you guessed it – the 4th Dimension]
SNAKE: …and then that British accent…
MILLER: Snake? Look at the screen.
SNAKE: What, more impressions?
[red flash]
SNAKE: …
MILLER: Okay. You did not see Liquid Snake. You did not hear Liquid Snake. You did not talk to Liquid Snake. You did see Master Miller. You did hear Master Miller. You did talk to Master Miller.
SNAKE: Got it!
%%%
[140.48 (Deepthroat)]
%%%
SNAKE: Oh, great. First, a doctor who can't cure my ailments, some computer girl who's lusting after me, then… some… body… and now, the slutty gay telemarketer! What!?
DEEPTHROAT: You're gonna face a tank. Best of luck.
%%%
[BIG RUMBLE!!!]
[flash]
[white flash]
[bright white flash]
[super bright white flash]
[extreme super bright white flash]
[more extreme super bright white flash]
[even more extreme super bright white flash]
[completely even more extreme super bright white flash]
Chapter 6 will take a while. Might as well e-mail me to criticize my work, or place comments at the Reviews section, located in that bottom-left menu.