METAL GEAR SOLID
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Disclaimer: Hideo Kojima & Konami own Metal Gear Solid.
Chapter VI:
Techno/Trance Tank Terror
[an M1A1 Abrams rolls into view]
SNAKE: Oh, shit! A tank!
TANK: [in a monotone] Yes! You are right! A tank!
SNAKE: Wait a minute… Am I high or something?
ME: [popping my head outta nowhere] No. Not yet, at least. Whaddya mean, "Am I high or something?"
SNAKE: The tank is talking!
ME: [reads above lines to find mistake] Whoops.
VOICE in TANK: [in a monotone] That's better!
SNAKE: Damn straight!
VOICE: This is Raven's territory!
SNAKE: That's nice.
VOICE: Send him a message.
[tank fires the main cannon]
SNAKE: SHHHHIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT—
[boom!!!]
SNAKE: [after being blown away 20 feet] …I'm alive!?
VOICE: Send him another message.
[tank fires the main cannon again]
SNAKE: [does the "dodge the artillery shell" jump]
VOICE: Not THAT message!
[hatch opens, and Genome #14 flies out, screaming]
GENOME #14: NNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!
[lands on a pair of claymores; body flies up in the air about, say, 1,000 feet]
VOICE: #15! Send him the message!
[tank fires the main cannon, but no "boom" is heard]
SNAKE: What the!?
[a piece of paper flies out]
SNAKE: You guys ran out of shells or something!?
[the paper hits him in the head]
SNAKE: AAAR-AAAAAAAAARRR-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR! [dies while suffering from massive head trauma]
VOICE: Dammit, #15! I specifically said NOT to put anthrax!
[#15 flies out, and lands on one of Kirby's warp stars]
A/N: Don't own Kirby!
GENOME #15: I LLIIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!
[warp star flies into the tank hangar]
GENOME #15: Yee-haw!
[a nail gun hovers to #15 and fires about 100 nails]
MANTIS: [somewhere in his room] Fuck you! Whoo-hoo!
ME: Mantis really loves the f-word…
[about 5 minutes later… outside…]
SNAKE: [gets up] Stupid genomes.
RAVEN: [climbs out] Here's the real message. [throws a paper plane]
[plane hits some random snowbank]
GENOME #14: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! [lands on the plane, dead]
SNAKE: Stupid genomes. [shoves #14's body into the rest of the claymores and grabs the plane]
RAVEN: Read it yet?
SNAKE: [unfolds plane and finds a note] Hmm… [reads note aloud so everyone can hear it] "Attention, Solid Snake. You have been challenged by Vulcan Raven to fight a tank." So?
RAVEN: Read the other side.
SNAKE: "In addition to getting full ammo capacity, Solid Snake will be forced to listen to techno and trance music."
RAVEN: MWAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! That's right! Techno! Trance! Come! Let's fight!
[flash]
[white flash]
[bright white flash]
[super bright white flash]
[extreme super bright white flash]
[more extreme super bright white flash]
[even more extreme super bright white flash]
[completely even more extreme super bright white flash]
RAVEN: [yelling to a radio] Josh! Play it!
[somewhere in my room, which looks like a massive nuclear dump without the radiation]
ME: All right! [clicks the "Play" button]
["Paranoize – Flip Path Mix" by Bipath is played]
SNAKE: SHIT! [Calls everyone at once – how do you do that?]
%%%
CAMPBELL: [playing Midnight Club 2 for the PS2] Goddammit, Makoto! Stupid Torques! …um… hi, Snake.
NASTASHA: You are facing an M1A1 Abrams.
MERYL: Kill 'em, Snake!
MEI LING: Snake, I didn't give you multi-way calling! You owe me about $799.97! This doesn't include tax.
SNAKE: How about this: I'll pay you later… [winks]
NAOMI: What the… [attacks Mei Ling] …you bitch!
MANTIS: [is seen dancing to the music] …what!?
ME: Let's change the music… *click*
[Brain 30 – "Brain Train (Psycho tb 303 Mix)" is on]
RAVEN: Dang… it was getting good!
SNAKE: I know…
MANTIS: Why…? Hey, let's damn somebody!
CAMPBELL: Yeah! Let's damn Makoto!
GENOME #11: Hell, no! What about #13?
[a picture of #13's carcass is e-mailed to everyone]
NAOMI: Well, if we're gonna damn someone, then…
[A random MGS2 character pops out. If you haven't played it, well… too bad!!!]
SOLIDUS SNAKE: Damn the Patriots!
EVERYONE: Yeah! DAMN THE PATRIOTS!!!
SOLIDUS: Thanks. [leaves]
OCELOT: [somewhere off-camera] Who the hell was he?
GENOME #16: Oh, that's Solidus Snake, from MGS2. He's a very cool guy. Very, very-
[a screwdriver falls out of a plane and goes through #16's head. Ouch… don't ya think?]
MANTIS: Shut up! …Fucker…
MR. KOJIMA: Hello…? Can we continue…?
ME: Oh, yeah…
MILLER: Dammit, Raven! How long does it take to reload!?
ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: ???
MILLER: Um… I have a pet crow.
ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: Ahh.
RAVEN: Do not worry, boss. Fire!
*bang!*
ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: NOO!
[Snake barely dodge the shell by doing the Matrix's "dodge-the-bullets" move]
ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: Yes!
RAVEN: Fire!
*boom*
SNAKE: Eat this! [throws a ration]
GENOME #17: Cool!
SNAKE: Eat this, too! [throws a frag grenade]
GENOME #17: Yay! …wait…
*boom*
GENOME #17: AAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! [falls out, dies, and goes to hell]
SNAKE: Who's next!?
GENOME #18: Me! [thinks for six seconds – while Snake shoves a frag down the hatch] Whoops…
*boom*
[body lands on polar bear shit]
ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: YAY!
[Miller has shut his end of the link]
SNAKE: Cool… a Level 3 Card… eww! It's covered in shit!
ALL the GOOD PEOPLE, MANTIS, GENOMES #11 & 12, and ME: EWW!
[everyone else shuts off their links]
%%%
[Brain 35 - "Only An Illusion" Non Vocal Cut is on]
RAVEN: [on a radio] Well, boss, I hop you are happy. He got the card.
LIQUID: Maybe we'll play with him- what card?
RAVEN: Weren't you watching?
LIQUID: No… what card was it!? [with each progressive question, Liquid's voice accelerates with panic]
RAVEN: I'll let you guess…
LIQUID: Was it my I.D. Card?
RAVEN: No.
LIQUID: Ocelot's "First-Edition, Holographic, Red-Eyes Black-Metal-Dragon" card? Because if it is, I'm screwed.
RAVEN: Nope.
[Sniper Wolf walks inside the room where Liquid's at]
LIQUID: Your cousin's girlfriend's Victoria's Secret gift card?
RAVEN: Hmm… no… I have it.
LIQUID: The Hallmark Valentine's Day Card with pictures of Wolf and me on the front inside a heart, with the words "Sniper Wolf: I love you. Without you, I'm nothing. I want you." written inside?
WOLF: [gasps, but suppresses it in time so Liquid didn't hear her]
RAVEN: I think so…
LIQUID: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I spent hours at Hallmark. I asked for a custom-designed card! It took me forever to think of what I was gonna write! I even asked them to insert that picture… but it's gone now… how am I gonna say "Happy Valentine's Day, Wolf" without a card!? [goes into a nervous breakdown] How!?
WOLF: [eyes have started to water due to Liquid's "confession"]
RAVEN: Boss… which card are we talking about… this year's? Or that one last year, with the exact same design except the picture was with Wolf naked and with you going goggle-eyed?
LIQUID: *sniffle* This one… [holds up the card he was talking about with his right hand]
RAVEN: Boss… is it just me, or is your shirt and right sleeve mis-matched?
GENOME #19: [goes up to the tank and throws a Vulcan Raven action figure at Raven] You can't see over the radio!
SNAKE: Yeah…
[an MP3 player pops out of nowhere]
RAVEN, SNAKE, and GENOME #19: Huh???
*beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep*
[If anyone can guess what sound effect pattern I used for those beeps above, I'll insert you in the story somehow… I don't know how, but I will… To enter yourself in this "contest," review my story and place your answer inside! Hint: It's on PlayStation!]
RAVEN, SNAKE, and GENOME #19: OH, SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*
["Rococco" by Kansai is on]
CAMPBELL: Whoo! I love this song! [starts Moonwalking]
*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*
["Elements of Trance – DJ Kim's Reload Mix" by ACM is heard]
CAMPBELL: [stops] Aw, man! It was getting good!
*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*
[Brain 29 – "Demon of the Church (Mix 1)" is now heard]
CAMPBELL: What the fuck!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*
["Electrified" by DJ Robert & the Martinez Bros. is played]
CAMPBELL: [pulls out an H&K MP5SD] I swear, if that son-of-a-bitch doesn't stop switching tracks, I'll kill him!
*boooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooom!*
["Syntrax" by Jack Henderson is playing]
CAMPBELL: That's it! He's gonna rot in hell! [storms off]
[MEANWHILE…]
ME: Whoo-hoo! Another chapter done!
[his bedroom door bursts open]
CAMPBELL: Jack-ass! Die!!! *bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang*
ME: [grabs a cell phone & dials 9-1-1] Help… [dies due to massive shock, internal bleeding, and being lung-shot]
CAMPBELL: Loser. [goes back to the sub]
[AND BACK…]
CAMPBELL: [closes hatch] Well, that's over. [turns around to see Mei Ling holding an OICW/GL, Naomi with an M82A1 Sniper Rifle, some crewman armed with a suppressed P90, and Psycho Mantis carrying an M249 SAW (Squad Automatic Weapon). Hey, look! It's another contest! Whoever can guess which of these weapons don't belong will also be in the story. Like I said, the "entries" are your reviews with the answer somewhere in it.] Oh, shit.
NAOMI: "Oh, shit" is right.
MEI LING: [angrily] Why did you shoot the poor author!?
CAMPBELL: Kept on switching tracks.
CREWMAN: Wow! And here I am thinking that extras never get lines.
MANTIS: That's not good enough!
MEI LING: Now guess what you did…
CAMPBELL: This chapter's over?
NAOMI: No. You killed the author! How the hell is this story supposed to continue!?!?!?!?!?
CAMPBELL: Whoops…
MANTIS: Now major plotlines will never be finished!
MEI LING: Or solved!
CREWMAN: Another line!
NAOMI: Or at least read!
CAMPBELL: Like what?
CREWMAN: My third line!
MEI LING: How Wolf responds to Liquid's "confession."
MANTIS: How Snake got in the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building.
CREWMAN: Fourth line!
NAOMI: Who Snake loves.
CAMPBELL: Shit. I really did screw this story up. Oh, what have I done!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Will Josh live?
Will this story continue? [No, it's not a contest!]
Will people figure out who Snake loves?
Will you review?
Next chapter coming in soon!
In the meantime, remember the following stuff:
-Review, please! I only have a few.
-This story is NOT over. I just needed a cliffhanger.
-Campbell is a goddamn-mother-fucking-son-of-a-bitch.
-The two contests!
-CREWMAN: The fifth!
-All the girls in this story (except Wolf) will probably be in a major catfight.
-The 4th Dimension will return!
-CREWMAN: Sixth!
-Contests will end around September 3, 2003.
-I go back to school September 3, 2003. From then on, it will take a bit longer for me to update or respond to e-mails. Right now, it takes two weeks, tops. Once the third arrives, it will probably be three-point-five weeks, tops.
-CREWMAN: Lucky seven!!!
-Again, this story isn't over. I'm not looking for anyone to continue it. It's just a cliffhanger. Okay?
-I'm putting up a web site on August 31, 2003.
-PLEASE REVIEW! I'm begging you all! I hardly have any reviews! I'm desperate for comments! If I could, I'd launch Arsenal Gear's hydrogen bomb at all of you!!! Well, I'll have to spare Shade Wolf (another ff.net author), since he's my first reviewer (and probably my last – hopefully not…). Thanks, man!
-The hydrogen bomb's a joke. Shade Wolf being my only reviewer so far is not. C'mon, review, dammit!
-jduran89
-E-Mail me! It's jduran89@yahoo.com – don't forget it!