HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Yeah, chapter 7! Remember to review and e-mail me! It's jduran89@yahoo.com – please don't forget it!
Disclaimer: As much as I love MGS/MGS2, I hate disclaimers. Yeah, we know Konami owns MGS. Let's go on with the story.
Chapter VII:
One Small Favor = One Giant Screwed-Up Chapter
In the last chapter, you probably remember that I, Josh D. Blanco, the author of this story, was shot to death by Colonel Roy Campbell. Really sad. But the good news is I have been revived!!! Yeah!!!
[from outta nowhere]
CAMPBELL: NOO!!! My attempts were futile!!!
Too bad, Colonel. There were some bad things. First off, the doctor said I couldn't write, so I pulled out a cell phone from the 4th Dimension. I then dialed a random number…
[in the hospital room]
ME: [dials random number]
%%%
SNAKE: Hello?
ME: Snake! It's Josh!
SNAKE: Really!?
ME: Really. Listen, man… can you do me a favor?
SNAKE: Sure. What?
ME: Take over the story for now.
SNAKE: …
ME: Snake?
SNAKE: !?!?!?
ME: I'll even throw in some beers and a DVD!
SNAKE: Wait a minute! You just turned 14! You don't drink either! How the hell can you get beers without one of those I.D. cards for cigs and beer?
ME: Simple. [pulls a six-pack out from the 4th Dimension]
SNAKE: 4th Dimension?
ME: Yep.
SNAKE: That's settled… but what about that DVD? What's it about?
ME: Nothing much… [sly grin appears, although Snake can't see it. We're on a fricking phone!]
SNAKE: What's the title?
ME: [pulls DVD case out] "Girls Gone Wild: MGS Style!"
SNAKE: *yawn* Not interested.
ME: Let's see… [reads some more] "Featuring Meryl, Wolf, Naomi, Mei Ling, Nastasha, Olga, Fortune, Emma, and Rose!"
SNAKE: Whoa, whoa, whoa. You said Meryl and Wolf!?!?!?
ME: …uh, yeah…
SNAKE: I'm in! …so what do I do?
ME: Just write Chapter Seven!
SNAKE: This is ironic. You're telling me to write Chapter Seven when you're already writing it on your PC!!!
ME: Uh… hold on… [grabs one of those video phones from the 4th Dimension and hooks it up, then switches from the cell to the vid phone]
SNAKE: … [grabs a video phone as well]
ME: So?
SNAKE: I'm not doing it!
ME: Fine. [singsong] But look at what you're gonna miss… [holds phone camera to PC screen]
SNAKE: It's not even on.
ME: [flips monitor on, showing the DVD]
SNAKE: This is blackmail… hell, no. [turns away from the phone]
[a feminine voice is heard…]
???: Snake… I want you…
SNAKE: Not buying it.
[another female voice (Kurdish accent) joins in]
???#2: Snake… I'm near…
SNAKE: Was that Wolf? [quickly turns around, spotting Wolf and Meryl on the PC doing some very arousing stripteases]
ME: No way, man. [turns the monitor and the speakers off]
SNAKE: NOO! It was getting good!
ME: Then…
SNAKE: *sigh* I'll do it. Just let me see them again!
[monitor and speakers are online again]
SNAKE: Oh, yeah!
%%%
A/N: Remember, I am writing. Right now Snake has *ahem* "taken over for me" at the moment. I am not even injured. Don't worry. I'm fine.
A/N: This is Snake's writing. I don't really care how bad his writing skills are. I don't even think he went to school at all.
SNAKE: But-
ME: Combat School doesn't count, soldier!
SNAKE: SHIT!
Now that we know his education, expect to see major spelling problems, grammatical errors, words that aren't even related to this story, stuff about beer, random websites & naked chicks, incorrect Genome numbers, illogical use of weapons & items, et cetera, et cetera. Prepare for the worst chapter… and it's Snake's fault!
A/N: If you can read the rest of this chapter… is your I.Q. as low as his? I don't know…
meTuL beer Solidefyed
by Solid Snake
capeyrite 2ooTre
disSclaymore: nOw fools, this aint mystory you sonsofbitches .jest wntd 2 tel u dat. Eye'm doin thees 4 mye frend jOsh.
ChapTeR SeveN-
wHat eyE ded @ duR nuklEer waRhead soreAge Facility
Okay,s o I closse dA duur from dat dam snofeld. I jus took thes sheety car key dat opUns doRs.
SNAKE: That's good so far.
[his door busts open, thanks to a masked person (possibly female, due to curves) with a half-British accent]
SNAKE: What the hell…?
???: I'll handle this story. [shoots Snake with the M9 from MGS2]
SNAKE: You… bastard… [falls asleep]
???: [after reading what Snake typed] Hmm… this story's pretty good. But horrible writing! Hmm… I guess I should edit it… [deletes all of Snake's typing…]
[MEANWHILE…]
RANDOM GENOME: Yo! Josh! Who is this person?
ME: People would have figured it out already!
RANDOM GENOME: Well, who is it!?
ME: If you didn't yell I would've told you already.
RANDOM GENOME: Just tell us!
ME: Why should I?
RANDOM GENOME: Say it or else!!!
ME: Whatever.
RANDOM GENOME: That's it! Now you die! [attempts pulls out his FA-MAS but gets impaled by a butcher knife, three push pins, a plastic spoon, and an entire ant colony]
MANTIS: [off-camera] FUCK YOU!
ME: It's Naomi. Satisfied?
[AND BACK…]
???: What should I do?
[takes off mask]
NAOMI: I'll just re-edit this… "work…" that Snake did…
A/N: Crap. Here comes the "FoxDie Woman." I doubt that even her PhD will work in writing.
NAOMI: [points the M9 at some random point in the room] If that son-of-a-bitch thinks that-
ME: [off-camera] –"Glamour School" won't buy your way outta this pageant, you liar!
NAOMI: DAMN!
That settles it. Expect loooooooooonnnnnnngggggg sentences, surprisingly correct grammar, definitions, technical stuff, big words, and possible science referrals (that'll most likely be wrong).
Měh-tŭl Gěere Săw-lĭd
Author: Dr. Naomi Hunter, ATCG
© Copyright MMIII
Disclaimer: A disclaimer is a piece of writing, commonly used in "fan fictions" like these, which the author must write to confirm that he does not own what he is temporarily "borrowing." In any case, this story does not belong to me, or the real author. It does belong to Hideo Kojima and the rest of Konami Computer Entertainment Company.
Chapter VII:
Antidisestablishmentarian Solid Snake
"Aah," Snake exhaled as he triumphantly leaped into the structure's bland atmosphere. Thanks to Newton's theory of gravity, Snake could sense a microscopic amount of the radioactive element Uranium 238.
He used a Personnel Area Network (PAN) card to get in. A PAN card works by using your own bodily salts as the transmission medium. It accesses security entrances, hatches, garage access ways, gas locks, and bay doors.
NAOMI: Whew.
[another masked person jumps out]
???: I'll take over. [pulls out an RPK-74 and knocks out Naomi using the butt of the gun]
[Naomi slumps to the floor unconscious]
???: Hmm… what's this? [pulls off mask]
PSYCHO MANTIS: Hah-hah-hah-hah- wait a minute… I pulled my mask off!? Fuck! [puts it back on]
???: Fucked up! My name's not ??? - it's Psycho Mantis! Is the author smoking weed or something? Cause this is fucked up! Damn!
ME: [pops in] What?
???: Are you high!?
ME: Hell, no! I just turned 14! God, I don't even know any drug deals anywhere!
???: Then fix the line!
ME: Ever heard the word "typo?" I hope it's registered in that photographic memory of yours. Wait a minute… you're out of film!!!
???: [fuming with anger] Why, I oughta- [levitates a filet knife and "stabs" me with it – only to find that the knife got bent and didn't go through me] What the fuck?
ME: Never – I repeat – NEVER attempt to stab a person with a filet knife. You'll only ruin the quality of your future salmon steaks.
???: Then fix the fucking line, you dead brain!
ME: Can't.
???: FUCK! Why?
ME: Look in the mirror, smart-ass!
[Mantis looks in the mirror to find his mask – a paper bag with eyeholes, to be exact.]
???: Where is it!?!?!?
ME: Not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer, are ya?
???: Where is it!? [starts crying through the bag]
ME: Calm down… just go back to the storyline!
???: Fine.
ME: Okay. Good.
A/N: Crud… It's Mantis. As we all know, if the doctor ain't smart, than Mantis ain't smart, either.
???: But I know how to spell! I've even got a Master's in Computer Programming!
ME: Reading the minds of people who have gone to school doesn't count!
???: Horseshit!
Now that we know Mantis' educational abilities, expect stuff about psychics, thoughts from other people, and him trying to prove his abilities to you.
Mantis' Great Story
By: Psycho Mantis, FOX-HOUND Psychic
© 2003
Disclaimer: I don't own it. "Yeah, you do, it's your story" is what you're thinking, huh?
Chapter 7:
Psycho Mantis is Cool!
SNAKE: Whoo! This is cool! Mantis is cool!
MERYL: [off-camera] Mantis is soo hot! I want him!
WOLF: Mantis, you sexy man! I need you!
???: Ya-ha! This is cool!
[I come flying in through the other window]
ME: Mantis… you're the third person who messed up my story! Congratulations! You get a prize!
???: What, my mask?
ME: No, even better.
???: All of the girls naked?
ME: No… this! [whips out an Desert Eagle and a Bizon 9mm]
???: Cool!
ME: Bye! [pistol whips Mantis]
???: Uhng… [falls on top on Naomi]
ME: Never again will I trust anyone in this story to write a chapter again!
Well, it's over. Now I have to waste another chapter due to three idiots! [looks at Mantis & Naomi] Man, those two are going to have a hard time figuring out what the hell happened!
Things to remember:
PLEASE REVIEW! I am in desperate need of feedback. Whether it be for you to praise my work, criticize my story, complain about it, or sending flames (hate mail to those who don't know fan-fic terms), I don't care. Just review!
Note: For those of you who don't know how to review, it's at the bottom-left of the page. Just press the "Go" button next to the little sub-menu. However, if you don't want your comments to be displayed for the whole world to see, just e-mail me – it's jduran89@yahoo.com – don't forget it!
THE CONTESTS FROM CHAPTER 6 ARE STILL UP! The contests will end on September 3, 2003. If you don't remember what they were, or you're too lazy to go back to Chapter 6, here they are:
1.) *beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep*
Guess the pattern. Hint: It's from a PlayStation game!
2.) OICW/GL M82A1 P90SD M249 SAW
Which of these weapons don't belong?
I'll give you a hint this time. Hint: Go online and search for video games with the "Game of the Year" Award!
To submit an answer for one (or both!) of these questions, simply place them inside your review. Or, you can e-mail me. Depending on how positive your review/comment is, you'll be placed inside my little story somewhere. It would also be a good idea to place a name in case you want to be called something. Otherwise, I'll use your pen name/screen name/e-mail for standard.
NOTICE: POSSIBLE DELAYS STARTING September 3! I go back to school on the third, so expect a longer time for me to update this fic or my web page. Nothing like the first day of high school – they'll kill me for being me. No, this doesn't mean you'll have to wait till summer 2004 for a new update – it means it'll take a longer time to place more chapters up.
E-MAIL ME! E-mail me about anything – problems in life, video game help, "Please Review My FanFic!", stuff about you, requesting stuff from me, web site updates, hate mail, – ANYTHING! C'mon, people, just e-mail me! Remember, it's jduran89@yahoo.com. Please?
Until the next chapter, people! I'll see ya then! [turns on stealth as he runs off in search of more fan-fics, MP3's, and story ideas]