HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Is this great or what? Chapter 8 in less than one week!
Congrats to Pablosky and soridcorps for winning Contest #2! Out of the four weapons, the P90SD doesn't belong. It never appears in Ghost Recon. Maybe I shouldn't have put the hint… but what the heck? Anyway, there was only about two reviews that contained answers, and these two both got No. 2 right. No, the *beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep* is not the Codec ringing from MGS1. And "?" unfortunately doesn't count. Your prizes: an exclusive cameo appearance in this fic! Not in this chapter, though, but you guy will appear somewhere… Thanks for playing!
Contest #1 still up! C'mon… answer it! Refer to the end of this chapter or Chapters 6 & 7.
DISCLAIMER: Okay, whoever invented the word "disclaimer" can rot in hell for all I care! I don't own MGS… probably never will.
Chapter VIII:
Insanity… The Deadliest Disease
ME: Well, as of right now, I have fully recovered from my wounds. During my stay at the hospital, all I did is play StarCraft because it's so cool. That game rules! Back to my PC for Chapter 8-
[my bedroom door is shot down]
CAMPBELL: I don't think so. [grabs a G36 Compact]
[insert increasing threatening music]
ME: What the???
CMAPBELL: I didn't have my revenge.
ME: Revenge? Revenge on what?
CAMPBELL: "Rococco!"
ME: Hot cocoa?
CAMPBELL: Kansai!
ME: Kansas?
CAMPBELL: "Rococco" by Kansai!
ME: …yeah…
CAMPBELL: YOU MAY DIE NOW!
ME: …right…
[some slow-mo effect is added here… think of those action movies when the guys are about to draw their weapons]
CAMPBELL: [loads it]
ME: *yawn*
CAMPBELL: [deactivates safety]
ME: *yawn*
CAMPBELL: I'll…
ME: *yawn*
CAMPBELL: …see…
ME: *yawn*
CAMPBELL: …you…
ME: *yawn*
CAMPBELL: …in…
ME: *yawn*
CAMPBELL: …hell!
ME: *yawn*
CAMPBELL: [pulls the trigger…]
ME: *yawn*
[and back to normal]
*bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang*
ME: *yawn* [just sits there as the bullets whiz past him]
CAMPBELL: !!!
ME: I am being shielded by the
electromagnetic weapons technology developed by…
[dun-dunn-daaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!]
ME: …"The Patriots!"
CAMPBELL: GASP!
ME: MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!
CAMPBELL: GASP-GASP!
ME: Take him away!
CAMPBELL: GASP-GASP-GASP—[starts to hyperventilate]
[Genomes #11 & #12 and Mantis proceed to place him in a purple straightjacket marked, "Barney Institute"]
CAMPBELL: [faints while getting hauled away]
ME: Thank God. Now we can finally get back to the story. When we last left, Snake had just defeated Vulcan Raven, some Genomes, a M1A1 Abrams, and a crack addiction. Wait a minute… I don't think he did get over his crack…
[In the Nuclear Warhead Storage Building…]
SNAKE: [seen saluting a brick and holding a grenade] I salute you, Captain!
ME: [off-camera] See?
SNAKE: So, what do you think?
BRICK: [really Genome #19] Um… no offense, Snake, but I think there's something wrong here…
SNAKE: Whaddya mean, Sir?
BRICK: Well, for one, I'm not a brick.
SNAKE: Yeah, you are! I mean, look at you pin and lapel.
[indeed, it says "Brick," but it's actually a pink slip for his Buick in "Race Wars"]
BRICK: But… that grenade…
SNAKE: Well… if I'm high, then this must be… ooh, I know! A lime!
BRICK: [looks closer] Uh-huh…
SNAKE: No? Okay… a kiwi!
BRICK: …
SNAKE: A bell pepper!
BRICK: [goggle-eyed, realizing that it is real] HOLY SHIT!
SNAKE: I got it right!?
BRICK: [pulls the pin and runs away as fast as he can]
SNAKE: A baseball?
ME: [off-camera] He's totally high.
SNAKE: Spit wad?
MANTIS: [to me] What's with him?
ME: He's high.
MANTIS: Ah.
SNAKE: Oh, I know now! One of Meryl's supple-
[time freezes suddenly, and Snake and Meryl are the only ones unaffected]
MERYL: [runs up and slaps Snake]
SNAKE: ARGH!
MERYL: What are you thinking!? [leaves]
[time somehow returns]
ME: Everybody duck and cover!!!
[everyone panics]
ME: [turns around in time to see the frag grenade explode] Oh, my God! Holy shi-
[MEANWHILE…]
[scene shifts to a TV Station]
[insert TV station music]
ANCHORMAN: We interrupt this program to bring this special report. Solid Snake, the legend, has apparently gone psycho due to getting high. The disease – "Internal Nervous System Acting Nuclear In your Tonsils – Yuck!" Add all of the capitalized letters, and you get – INSANITY! It's a deadly disease. We don't think there's any cure. And here is our field reporter, Chris P. Baycon. Here he is, outside Shadow Moses Island! Chris?
[focus in now on Chris]
CHRIS P. BAYCON: Here I am at Shadow Moses, where Snake has-
*boom*
CHRIS: What was…
[big atomic mushroom cloud appears]
CHRIS: SHIT-
[transmission is cut]
ANCHORMAN: Um… if Shadow Moses is in Alaska, and I work in a Anchorage-based TV station, then… AAH-
[nuclear wave sweeps the world – meaning everyone is dead]
[…AND THEN WE WOKE UP…]
SNAKE: Oh.
EVERYONE ELSE in the WORLD: Oh.
SNAKE: [sees an active grenade in his hand] What's with da-
*boom*
[nothing happens]
SNAKE: Whoo! C4 rules!!! [goes under the open door and goes into a crouching stance] Huh? I'm frozen! Help!
+140.85 (Colonel/Naomi)
%%%
CAMPBELL: Snake, we decided to freeze the game to give you this message.
NAOMI: Snake, you must not use any weapon in there.
SNAKE: And why not?
NAOMI: That's the warhead storage building, you deadbolt!
CAMPBELL: Oh, yeah…
SNAKE: Why are you telling me this?
NAOMI: Well, for one, I'm a woman. Any smart guy knows that women are smarter. [insert an evil grin]
ME: [opens a link] Hey! I find that insulting!
MANTIS: [opens another link] Yeah! Me too!
GENOME #11: [opens a third] Ditto!
LIQUID: Same here!
CAMPBELL: [starts hyperventilating… again]
NAOMI: GASP!
MANTIS: Boss!? What're you doing calling us!?
LIQUID: I should ask you the same question!
MANTIS: Well… I'm… uh…
GENOME #11: …helping us in this situation!
SNAKE: Liquid, you don't even have this number…
LIQUID: [under his breath] SHIT! [to the others] Uh… let me put Miller on… [is seen running away from the Codec camera]
LIQUID: [off-screen] Ocelot! Where the bloody hell is my mask!?
OCELOT: [off-screen as well] I don't know, boss.
LIQUID: THEN FIND IT!!!
[a bark is heard]
LIQUID: ? What was that noise?
[a wolf-dog is seen zipping past the camera "holding" what appears to be a McDonnell Miller mask]
LIQUID: You found it! Very good!
[wolf-dog jumps up and down with excitement]
LIQUID: Good boy!
[wolf-dog stops]
WOLF-DOG: GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR………
LIQUID: Uh… nice boy…
WOLF-DOG: [leaps on Liquid, causing him to fall on the camera, cutting the link]
EVERYONE ELSE: GASP!
SNAKE: Liquid… you were the best clone brother a clone can have…
MANTIS: [off-screen] Godspeed.
CAMPBELL: Amen- *gag* [is seen gripping his throat as if he's choking]
SNAKE: Aww… he's choking… let's go.
MANTIS: Yeah. [cuts link]
GENOME #11: Yeah… [cut]
SNAKE: Whatever… [link cut]
NAOMI: Josh, what should I do?
CAMPBELL: I *cough* can't *gasp* breathe *gag* anymore *hack* Naomi! *wheeze*
ME: Leave him there. He shot me. [ends link]
NAOMI: Okay! [quick smile]
%%%
SNAKE: Nice place they got… YEARGH! [is seen dodging the warheads, hoping the leaking plutonium doesn't get in his brain, which will cause the giant, frilly, all-around nice monsters to creep out of his ears and chase him]
GENOME #20: *tappity-tap* Nice shoes…
GENOME #21: *snore*
SNAKE: Safe… I guess…
GENOME #22: !
(ALERT MODE)
SNAKE: Damn!
GENOME #22: Get him!
SNAKE: [thinking that the three Genomes are the giant, frilly, all-around nice monsters that are out to get him] Aah! Scary monsters! Get 'em away! AAH! [runs away]
MONSTER #1: Oh, yeah, like we're gonna let him get away…
SNAKE: God, I'm sorry for all the things I've done wrong! I promise, I'll stop smoking crack! I'll take better are of my dogs, and I'll never ever use your name in vain again! Just give me a sign – any sign!
[runs into a sign]
SNAKE: Goddammit.
MONSTER #2: [has caught up due to the miraculous sign] There he is! Get him, guys!
SNAKE: Please don't eat me! I too young to die! Please! WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Don't kill me!!!!!!
MONSTER #3: [looks at Monster #2, and back]
MONSTERS: HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!
SNAKE: What the…?
MONSTER #1: Dude, we want your autograph!
(NORMAL MODE)
SNAKE: Oh.
MONSTER #3: C'mon… sign our masks!
[the three "monsters" take their masks off]
SNAKE: [evilly grins] Okay… [draws his SOCOM and kill the three Genomes – Monsters – Genome Monsters!?]
SNAKE: Now that's settled. Now what was I looking for?
MANTIS: [playing with his yo-yo in the other side]
SNAKE: Something is wrong here… It's like that thing I saw…
===
[Snake is seen sitting in front of a kid wearing a red cap and a blue-and-yellow striped t-shirt swinging a baseball bat and a yo-yo]
SNAKE: EVIL! YOU MUST BE DESTROYED!
===
MANTIS: Hey, Snake! [waves happily]
SNAKE: You're not gonna fool me, Ness! [whips out a frag]
MANTIS: Huh?
SNAKE: [tosses the frag and hits Mantis in the balls, causing him to keel in massive pain]
MANTIS: ARRGGGHHHH! [faints]
SNAKE: How simple is this?
GENOME #23: !
(ALERT MODE)
SNAKE: Shit.
[Genomes #24 - #30 rush out from the elevator and point their weapons at him]
SNAKE: [grabs a cell phone from one of the "monsters" and is about to dial "9-1-1"] Don't make me do it!
GENOMES: [slowly back away]
[MEANWHILE IN KCEJ…]
MR. KOJIMA: Ha-hah! It worked! "Phase 2" is over!
DEEPTHROAT: [talking over a pay phone on Shadow Moses] Yes! Snake's nanomachines inserted the "INSANITY" disease into him. And this happened. The ninja telemarketer wins!
MR. KOJIMA: Well, what do you think is gonna happen next?
DEEPTHROAT: FoxDie?
MR. KOJIMA: Nah.
SOLIDUS SNAKE: [from the other room] Damn the Patriots!?
ME: What the hell is he doing here?
MR. KOJIMA: Got bored.
DEEPTHROAT: On to "Phase Three?"
ME: Yeah… no, no!
MR. KOJIMA: WHAT!?
DEEPTHROAT: What the fuck?
[suddenly, a blinding flash flashes in the room, causing temporary blindness to those who do not have any protective headgear… which would mean that Deepthroat would be the only person who's not blind at the moment…]
DEEPTHROAT: [looks toward the flash's point of origin]
???: Mr. Ninja! Let me make one thing clear!
[the flash disappears, revealing some floating guy with slender shoulders and some weird-looking jumpsuit of some sort… is it even a jumpsuit?]
DEEPTHORAT: Mantis!
MANTIS: I am the only one who can use the f-word! Capiche? [pulls out that multi-purpose field revolver from Triple X and fires a Detura Knock-Out Dart]
[the dart harmlessly bounces off the ninja's exoskeleton]
MANTIS: This isn't good… [fires another dart]
[bounces off again, but hits a KCEJ employee]
KCEJ EMPLOYEE: Shit! This… ain't… good… *zzz* [falls asleep]
MANTIS: DAH! [shoots]
[once again bounces off the ninja's suit, this time falling out of a window]
[50-something FLOORS BELOW…]
DEMOLITIONS WORKER: How's life, Johnny?
JOHNNY SASAKI: Great! …except for these damn cramps.
WORKER: Well, enjoy the show.
JOHNNY: Thanks- *ack*
[the dart hits him]
JOHNNY: What the… [pulls dart out as he falls asleep]
WORKER: Johnny?
JOHNNY: [falls on the worker, pressing a button on a remote inside the worker's pocket]
WORKER: SHIT! [runs away]
[a huge bang pierces the tranquil silence, creating a 600-foot tsunami heading towards the USA, Japan, the Philippines, and Hawaii, causing all the people in the specified areas to yell, "All is lost! All is lost!"]
[AND BACK ON SHADOW MOSES…]
SNAKE: …I swear, I will dial "911!" I'm suffering from "INSANITY" [Genomes grip their weapons tighter the moment he says this and back away some more, hoping they don't get "INSANITY"] …and I tell you, I'm unstable! Tell 'em, Mantis!
MANTIS: [gripping an ice pack attempting to kill the pain] Believe him! He threw a fucking frag grenade at my balls! You guys know how painful it is?
GENOMES: Uh… no.
SNAKE: See!? Last chance! Place your weapons down! NOW!
GENOMES: [slowly place their weapons on the floor]
SNAKE: See? That wasn't so hard, now was it?
|INTERRUPTION|
Due to complaints that nobody made, I'm going to put a little break from codec numbers. Instead it'll look like this:
SNAKE: "INSANITY!" [calls Mei Ling]
Not like this:
SNAKE: "INSANITY!" [Cals: +140.96 (Mei Ling)]
Observe the space I save. Now to continue.
|END INTERRUPTION|
SNAKE: *ring* [receives a call from the Colonel] Hold on… I'm getting a call, guys. Do me a favor and just leave for a second. Okay?
GENOMES: 'kay! [pick up their rifles and leave]
SNAKE: Hello?
%%%
SNAKE: Hello?
CAMPBELL: Snake, I'm disappointed. You're not supposed to be insane. Hell, you're not even supposed to have "INSANITY" in your system.
SNAKE: Whatever.
%%%
SNAKE: Okay, guys. Let's pick up where we left off.
GENOMES: [rush back to Snake and drop their weapons]
SNAKE: [grabs the cell phone] I'll do it!
GENOME #27: C'mon… it's just a cell phone!
SNAKE: [pulls his FAMAS out and shoots #27] That's it! You're all gonna die! GWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH! [dials "911"]
GENOMES #23 – 26, #28 – 30: [cringe in fear]
SNAKE: Heh-heh…
CELL PHONE: *doo-dee-doo* I'm sorry. You are outside you service area. Please use a pay phone or other means of communication. Otherwise, we can patch you through to another local broadcast area…
SNAKE: Shit!
[Genomes overhear the phone and grab their weapons]
SNAKE: This sucks ass.
GENOME #23: You wanna piece of me, boy?
GENOME #24: En Taro Adun!
GENOME #25: What is your major malfunction!?
GENOME #26: I'll scrap you along with the aliens!
GENOME #28: Target designated.
GENOME #29: For Aiur!
GENOME #30: Prepare to die!
SNAKE: [simply grabs a radio and pops in a burned CD]
GENOMES: ???
SNAKE: [presses "play"]
[radio plays "Bodies – Vrenna Mix" (used in Triple X)]
SNAKE: [suddenly develops a plan to go along with the music and kill the Genomes]
A/N: Okay… now this is going to be weird. The music will be in italics. Actions will be in the usual location… like this…
Now One - Nothing wrong with me [Snake kills #23]
The action will occur during the time when the line is sung. For instance, in the above example, Snake kills Genome #23 when the song goes, "One – Nothing wrong with me". For those of you who have excellent thoughts, an interactive mind, an overactive imagination, or just plain paranoia, try to visualize the actions. I can see it right now…
…Here we go, here we go, here we go [Snake grabs his FAMAS]
Now One – Nothing wrong with me [Snake shoots #23]
Two – Nothing wrong with me [Snake slays #24]
Three – Nothing wrong with me [kills #25]
Four – Nothing wrong with me [slaughters #26]
One – Something's got to give [executes #28]
Two – Something's got to give [exterminates #29]
Three – Something's got to give [annihilates #30]
NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!! [tosses grenades everywhere]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [bang]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [bang]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [bang]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [bang]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [bang]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [bang]
Push me again [Genomes #31 – 36 rush out of the elevator]
This is the end! [Genomes start shooting at Snake]
Here we go, here we go, here we go [Snake reloads FAMAS]
Now One – Nothing wrong with me [Snake shoots somewhere]
Two – Nothing wrong with me [Snake shoots somewhere again]
Three – Nothing wrong with me [again…]
Four – Nothing wrong with me […again…]
One – Something's got to give […and again…]
Two – Something's got to give [How long does this take?]
Three – Something's got to give [*click*]
NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!! NOW!!! [Genomes scream painfully]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [#31's body falls down]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [#32's body collapses]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [#33's as well]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [#34's follows suit]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [#35's keels over]
Let the bodies hit the floor! [#36's topples over]
(NORMAL MODE)
SNAKE: Well. That was simple. [boards the elevator]
END CHAPTER
[somewhere in my house…]
SNAKE: Now this… [points to this chapter] is some pretty messed up shit you got here, Josh.
CAMPBELL: Yeah.
ME: Colonel, with all due respect, I think you're violating your restraining order. Sorry. #11! #12!
GENOME #12: Sir? What do ya want?
GENOME #11: You idiot! He wants us to haul the goddamn Colonel into his brand-new home: a six-by-eight cell.
GENOME #12: Ooh! Let me guess! No toilets!
GENOME #11: Yep.
GENOME #12: Neato! Let's go!
[both haul the Colonel away]
CAMPBELL: I swear, Josh! Mark my words: you'll pay for all of this! I'll kill you! I shall have my revenge!
[doors close]
SNAKE: …well… he sounded… cheerful…
ME: Oh, well. He can't even escape. As a matter of fact, the U.S. Government had to force a large number of detainees to drown in Sea World.
[cut to Sea World in San Diego, where Shamu is currently doing a show. About fifty of the world's most notorious criminals are parachuting down hog-tied. Unfortunately for them, Shamu thought of them as more live food…]
SNAKE: Fifty? Where from?
ME: Fort Leavenworth Penitentiary.
SNAKE: *whistles*
MANTIS: That sucks.
SNAKE: So anyway… what are we here for?
ME: Well… you two are here because you guys are my "Anti-Colonel-Roy-Campbell-Guards."
MANTIS: Cool.
SNAKE: So the Meryl and Wolf porn was a scam?
ME: Don't have any. Actually, Mantis has some, but he agreed that he won't give you any.
SNAKE: [gives Mantis an evil death glare]
MANTIS: What!? [starts sweating]
SNAKE: I thought we were friends! We were buds! Now look!
MANTIS: But I still have your trust, right?
SNAKE: Cheap son-of-a-bitch! I'll cut- *gag*
MANTIS: I find your lack of faith disturbing, fucker.
REAL CHAPTER ENDING
Okay… what do you think…
I know… I'm slacking off in the humor department, but what can I say? I'm starting school in less than a week, and I'm starting Chapter 9. It's 2:03 a.m. and I've got nothing better to do. Oh, yeah… my post-chapter announcements:
CONTEST #1 MUST BE ANSWERED!
Deadline is September 3, 2003. If you forgot what the hell it was, then here it is…
#1. *beep* *beep-beep* *beep-beep-beep-beep*
Guess what game this sound is from!
Hint: It's from a PlayStation game!
NEW!!! CONTEST #3!!!
Yes, a new contest. However… I won't be as generous as I was on Contest #2. First one to answer wins nothing! Actually, you'll win something BIG. You will earn the right to actually write a chapter of this story! Sounds cool? Well, you'll have to write about the part when Snake is captured, tortured by Ocelot, and breaking out. The main reason I'm doing this is because I really don't want to decide if Meryl dies or not. Also, I want to avoid as much flames as possible! Anyway… I'll post the question now and put the prize in an easy-to-understand format.
#3. Genomes #23, 24, 25, 26, 28, 29, and 30 each say a line before Snake grabs his radio. The task is to identify where those lines came from and to classify who said what. I'll list their lines one last time:
GENOME #23: You wanna piece of me, boy?
GENOME #24: En Taro Adun!
GENOME #25: What is your major malfunction!?
GENOME #26: I'll scrap you along with the aliens!
GENOME #28: Target designated.
GENOME #29: For Aiur!
GENOME #30: Prepare to die!
[HINT: Think of Chapter 1, when the Sub commander said something…]
#3. = PRIZE:
Opportunity TO
WRITE A CHAPTER IN THIS FIC!
-Write from the moment Snake is captured to the part when Snake bails out of prison (Include hilarious torture sessions to spice it up)
-Decide if Meryl dies or not
-Show off your writing talent
-Practice your humor
NOTE: JUST ONE CHAPTER!
E-Mail me at jduran89@yahoo.com or review this story. Place your answer to any one of these contests.
REVIEW!
I don't even care if you
flame this story. Just review!