HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
Hello, folks. jduran89 here. Now, I know that hardly anyone reads for the fun of it. I recently did a school survey, and 3 out of 100 people read for their enjoyment. Okay, I'll be honest… I was one of them. You guys are either going, "Who the hell does this guy think he is?" or "I agree. People should read for fun!" Well, in any case, maybe I should refer people to www.fanfiction.net and make them read. Well, I'll place the important announcements, then on with the story. Yeah! Then I'll get reviews, and then the Shadow Moses Incident will really happen! Then Solidus will be my best friend and we'll say, "Damn the Patriots!" all day long! …erm… Okay… on with the story…
WHAT THE HECK!? THERE AREN'T ANY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTS!
DISCLAIMER: MGS ain't owned by me. Neither is Yu-Gi-Oh!
Chapter X:
The Duel
OTACON: Stupid author! Made me lose my lines for this chapter. I hate him!
ME: [gives an eerie glare]
OTACON: Nothing's gonna happen to me!
ME: Wrong! [whistles]
OTACON: Wait! Josh can't whistle!
ME: RIGHT!!! MUAH-HAH-HAH! [takes off the mask]
OTACON: AAH!
JOHNNY SASAKI: What!?
[…and now… the main event…]
SNAKE: Okay… so I'm supposed to meet Meryl in the girl's restroom, huh… [receives about 10 different calls]
%%%
NAOMI: Snake! You… you… pervert!
SNAKE: What?
NAOMI: That's… that's… the…
SNAKE: Girl's restroom?
NAOMI: …I hate you.
%%%
SNAKE: …okay…
%%%
MEI LING: SNAKE! YOU FUCKING PERVERT!
SNAKE: Um… You probably won't be able to talk to me anymore, Mei Ling.
MEI LING: Damn straight, you fucking perv.
SNAKE: No… really… look… behind you…
MEI LING: [scoffs] Right. Like who the fuck's gonna sneak up on me [gets hit with a mallet]
MANTIS: My word! …fucker…
%%%
MERYL: SNAKE!
SNAKE: What?
MERYL: You're not supposed to go in the girl's room!
SNAKE: And you're not supposed to have a codec unit!
MERYL: …dammit…
%%%
SNAKE: …who is this?
NASTASHA: Wow! I actually got a line! …No, no, no! WAIT!
SNAKE: Oops. She wasted her line! BUST!
%%%
MANTIS: Alright, Snake!
%%%
LIQUID: Snake, you good ol' chap! You're doing a bloody, smashing, banging job going into the girl's room!!! Oh, wait… my disguise ain't on! SHIT! [starts to put his sunglasses on when the link cuts]
%%%
MILLER: [sweating like a dog] …and I love ya for it!
%%%
ME: Whoa! You're wasting time! Since I cut Meryl's screen time, go over to the Commander's Room. Meryl will be there.
SNAKE: O… kay…
%%%
SNAKE: Odd…
[in the Commander's Room…]
MERYL: SNAKE! MAKE LOVE TO ME!
SNAKE: [yells off-screen in a worried tone] Um… Mantis… it's not your part yet…
MANTIS: Snake, I'm not doing that.
SNAKE: [sees Mantis levitating a spoon and sends it through the ventilation ducts…] I wonder how Otacon would get through the guards…
[somewhere else…]
OTACON: [on a cell phone] …no, Mr. Kojima. I'm asking if… wait… did you just say you'll give me all of the Yu-Gi-Oh! DVD's in the vault? NO WAY! …uh… okay! …But can you include the uncensored versions of Cowboy Bebop and Ranma? Hello? Hello!? *click* DAMN! [just walks…]
GENOMES #89 & 90: FREEZE!
OTACON: HYAH! [chucks the cell phone at #90, killing him]
GENOME #89: Well… you're all outta weapons. How ya' gonna kill me, ass? HA-HA-HA- ACK! [the spoon flies right through his mouth and leaves him on the floor, gagging]
[…and back…]
SNAKE: Oh. That's how.
MERYL: [throws the script at Snake] Snake… we got a problem. Yeah…
SNAKE: Uh… I don't get you.
MERYL: Mantis, you know how you became our ally?
MANTIS: Yeah… what about it?
MERYL: Well, it said that you two had to fight.
SNAKE: NOO! I don't wanna hurt my buddy!
MANTIS: There has to be a way!
ME: I got a way!
MERYL: If only someone had an idea…
ME: I have an idea!
SNAKE: …a very good plan…
ME: I have a very good plan!
MANTIS: …one that does NOT involve the author making us look like overgrown sluts who knock our heads off…
ME: BUT-
MANTIS: …or any other sadistic, insane, cheesy plotline…
ME: …shit…
[some time later…]
MANTIS: …
MERYL: …
SNAKE: …
ME: …
MANTIS: Ah, what the hell… let's just use Josh's plan.
ME: YAY!
MERYL: So what is it?
ME: A duel.
SNAKE: …uh… what type… of duel? I don't wanna hurt him.
ME: A card duel!
MERYL: Using…
ME: Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters!
MANTIS: YES! Now I can prove to my allies that I'm better than him!
SNAKE: What the – Mantis, I'M better. Forget it; let's just do this so the author can give me my paycheck.
ME: 'Kay!
[SEVERAL MINUTES LATER…]
[There is a small set of bleachers on both sides of the Commander's Room. The crowds have gathered as we await our two duelists… Solid Snake and Psycho Mantis.]
ME: Both players start with 10,000 Life Points!
CROWDS: YAY!
ME: On the blue side, Solid Snake!
SNAKE'S CROWD: YAY, SNAKE!
MANTIS' CROWD: BOO, SNAKE!
ME: And in the red side, Psycho Mantis!
MANTIS' CROWD: YAY, MANTIS!
SNAKE'S CROWD: BOO, MANTIS!
ME: BEGIN!!!
[The Duel Starts!]
MANTIS: I won the backstage coin toss, so I go first! [draws a card, then places it facedown] I place this monster in Defense Mode! I end my turn, Snake.
SNAKE: Ooh… scary… [draws a card] Wha… YES! [shows his crowd, the places it face-up on the field] SWORDS OF REVEALING LIGHT! YAH-HAH-HAH!
MANTIS' CROWD: BOO!
MANTIS: Don't panic, people. He wasted it on… [flips his monster…] …my Beaver Warrior!
MANTIS' CROWD: HAH-HAH!
SNAKE: [flips 'em off] SHUT UP! I'm not done yet! I bring out… the Summoned Skull in Attack Mode!!
CROWDS: GASP!
SUMMONED SKULL: ROAR! [2500ATK 1200DEF]
SNAKE: However… I end my turn.
MANTIS: [to self] What is this idiot thinking? He could've attacked me then and there! What is he, four?
SNAKE: [to self] Shit. I should've attacked his Life Points. But I didn't do that. What am I, four?
MANTIS: [draws a card] Your move.
SNAKE: [draws] Hmm… I call out the Red-Eyes Black Dragon!
SNAKE'S CROWD: YAY!!!
EVERYONE ELSE: GASP!
RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON: ROAR! [2400ATK 2000DEF]
MANTIS: [draws] Well… I guess I'll place my Dark Magician in Defense Mode!
DARK MAGICIAN: Yeah! I rule! [2500ATK 2100DEF]
MANTIS' CROWD: GO! MANTIS!
SNAKE: SHADDUP! [draws] Ahh… Mantis, beat this! I call the legendary Blue-Eyes White Dragon!
CROWDS: GASP!!!
BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON: ROARRR!!! [3000ATK 2500DEF]
MANTIS: [draws] So, I guess this is my last turn before I can "attack…" but, I also play… SWORDS OF REVEALING LIGHT!
SNAKE: NOO!
SNAKE'S CROWD: GASP!
SNAKE: Shut up. [draws] Hmm…
MANTIS: Oh, what's wrong? Poor Snake can't move? YAH-HA-HA! [draws his card] …yes! I call the Metal Dragon!
METAL DRAGON: ROAR. [1800ATK 1700DEF]
SNAKE: Ooh… scary!
MANTIS: But I have… this card! [reveals a blank card…]
SNAKE & CROWDS: …huh…? [they all give the that anime look – the one that makes 'em have wide eyes, very small pupils, and a "Huh?" look painted all over their face]
MANTIS: Behold! The Millennium Rod!
[the Millennium Rod materializes on the card]
MARIK ISHTAR: Yeah, Mantis! …wait… my Millennium Rod!?!?!?
SNAKE: Uh… What's it do?
MANTIS: Well… if you play a Shadow Realm Duel, it permanently controls a monster from the opponent's side!
SNAKE: Yeah? So? This ain't a Shadow Realm Duel!
ME: But I am the author. I shall screw up this duel so anything can happen! Take that!
SNAKE: Damn…
[the dueling field warps into the Shadow Realm]
MANTIS: Hah! Now I can use the Millennium Rod! I'll take control of… the Red-Eyes Black Dragon!
RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON: ROAR!!!
MANTIS: Not only that, but I play this card to fuse the Red-Eyes and the Metal Dragon together, thus-
SNAKE: …creating the…
CROWDS: …Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon!!!
RED-EYES BLACK METAL DRAGON: ROAR!!! [2800ATK 2400DEF]
CROWDS: GASP!
MANTIS: I take that as a "thank you."
SNAKE: [to self] Crap! I'm screwed! I don't have any magic or trap cards that can negate it! If only I had some Egyptian God Card, I'd kick his ass right now! But I don't!
MANTIS: Hah. You don't stand a chance!
MANTIS' CROWD: HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
SNAKE'S CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
ME: Okay… I'm interrupting my own story… anyway, I'll occasionally interrupt the story by placing three plus signs together. I'll display the duelist's stats and stuff. It will look something like this: (This is their current status…)
+++
SNAKE: 10000LP
MONSTERS:
Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF
Blue-Eyes White Dragon - 3000ATK 2500DEF
MANTIS: 10000LP
MONSTERS:
Beaver Warrior – 1200ATK 1500DEF
Dark Magician – 2500ATK 2100DEF
Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon – 2400ATK 2000DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
Swords of Revealing Light
+++
Okay… back with the story!
One more thing – I don't know how you play the Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon – do you need "Polymerization" or some other card? I dunno – that's why I said "…some other card…" …or maybe you don't even need them… damn, I knew that I should have made them do some GoldenEye 007 tournaments!
[Alec Trevelyan from GoldenEye walks in]
ALEC: YEAH!
ME: But I didn't. [shoots him]
SNAKE: I wish I had a good card!
ME: Well, shut up and I'll give you one!
SNAKE: YAY!
ME: Hey! You didn't shut up!
SNAKE: WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
ME: Too bad! [throws a card to Mantis]
MANTIS: [catches the card and looks, nearly fainting in shock] Oh, my God! I got it!
SNAKE: GRR… [draws card]
MANTIS: My turn? Oh, well I'll just place down… my Obelisk the Tormentor!
OBELISK: GRR… [4000ATK 4000DEF]
MANTIS: Oh, I forgot to draw a card… [draws] YES! I play… Toon World!!! Ha-ha!
SNAKE: Heh… you just started to bury your own grave! Playing "Toon World" costs you 1000 Life Points!
MANTIS: Shit.
+++
SNAKE: 10000LP
MONSTERS:
Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF
Blue-Eyes White Dragon – 3000ATK 2500DEF
MANTIS: 9000LP
MONSTERS:
Beaver Warrior – 1200ATK 1500DEF
Dark Magician – 2500ATK 2100DEF
Red-Eyes Black Metal Dragon – 2400ATK 2000DEF
Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
Swords of Revealing Light
Toon World
+++
SNAKE: Well… this sucks!
ME: I agree. Which is very shocking because normally, I would have made him do something stupid by now.
MANTIS: Uh-huh…
ME: For that, I will let Snake search his deck for five – I repeat, very loudly – FIVE cards of his choice! Search NOW!
SNAKE: Okay! [starts looking furiously]
MANTIS: [to self] CRAP! This chapter's gonna end anytime now! If his deck was the same two weeks ago, then he's gonna find… [not to self] EXODIA THE FORBIDDEN ONE!!!
MANTIS' CROWD: GASP!!!
SNAKE: I found my cards!
MANTIS & his CROWD: OH, NO!!!
ME: Alright. Shuffle your deck.
SNAKE: [shuffles]
ME: Now show us all the cards you drew!
SNAKE: [reveals the cards]
CROWDS: GASP!
MANTIS: HUH!?!?!?
ME: [insert animé sweat drop & make me talk in a blunt voice] And he has… a "Monster Reborn" card, "Ritual of Chaos Black Magic", "Doppelganger", and two Man-Eater Bugs.
MANTIS & his CROWD: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
SNAKE: Oh, yeah? I haven't even drawn a card yet! [draws a card] Well… I got the "Card Printer." What the heck???
MANTIS: ???
ME: Let me explain. It's a magic card I made up. It allows the duelist to use the card as any card that he has in his deck. For example… let's say Snake needs "Magical Hats" to hide his monsters, but he can't afford to wait any longer. But then he uses "Card Printer" and presto! Card Printer becomes Magical Hats!
SNAKE: But that almost the same as "Doppelganger!"
ME: True, it does copy cards, and it won't let you copy a card from your opponent's deck, but is has one more effect. Read the rest of the card, Snake.
SNAKE: Hmm… "…If used in conjunction with 'Doppelganger', you can make it be any card in existence!" Whoa! And I know just what to do! [pulls out a laptop and plugs it into the big screen in the other side] Damn Windows 98! [bangs the laptop screen, denting… THAT'S MY LAPTOP!?!?!?] There!
[the screen displays FF.NET's homepage…]
ME: Okay…
SNAKE: Keep watching… it just gets better. [types] YES! I have found what I was looking for!
ME: And that is…
SNAKE: Look… [moves laptop, showing some porno site]
CROWDS: Eek! Gross!
MANTIS: Whoa… hot!
MERYL: Damn… I look good in leather!
SNAKE: What the… ! Uh, wrong web page… heh… *tappity-tap*
ME …what now?
SNAKE: Well… I looked at your links, Josh, and I notice you read a good number of Yu-Gi-Oh! fics on FF.net.
ME: Yeah… so?
SNAKE: Well, on Shade Wolf's YamiBallZ, Yugi used a card called, "The Annoying Ear Flick."
(A/N: Disclaimer: YamiBallZ is not mine! It belongs to Shade Wolf, another FF.net author. If you happen to read stuff related to insanity, read it! It's FUNNY!!!)
MANTIS: Yeah. And?
SNAKE: I summon… The Annoying Ear Flick!
[a giant hand in a flicking position materializes]
EAR FLICK: *flicks* [100ATK 100DEF]
MANTIS: So? What can it do? It's powerless against my Tormentor! You possibly can't do a fucking single thing! [looks at Snake, who has a serious-looking face] …Right?
OBELISK: Yeah! I can crush it!
SNAKE: But did you even read YamiBallZ? Annoying Ear Flick, go to the Tormentor and do your stuff!
[the Ear Flick flicks the Obelisk's ears… if it has any…]
OBELISK: Get away from me! [starts swinging his arms, in attempt to destroy the Ear Flick]
MANTIS: NOO!
SNAKE: HA.
MANTIS: NOO!
SNAKE: HA.
MANTIS: NOO!
SNAKE: HA.
MANTIS: NOO!
SNAKE: HA.
MANTIS: NOO!
SNAKE: HA.
MANTIS: NOO!
SNAKE: HA.
ME: Okay. I hit the "paste" button too many times. Anyway…
OBELISK: HAH! [slams the ground, killing the Ear Flick]
MANTIS: Well, there goes your plan. Well, 4000 minus 100 equals… hmm… 3900! Hah!
SNAKE'S CROWD: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
SNAKE: Damn!
[Life Point Standings: SNAKE: 6100LP MANTIS: 9000LP]
MANTIS' CROWD: GO, MANTIS!!! YAY!!!
SNAKE: Ahem… well… who cares? I didn't lose much. Besides, you Obelisk the Tormentor got so carried away with the Ear Flick! Just look what he did!
[Everyone looks at Mantis' side of the field, where all of Mantis' other monsters are lying dead on the field]
BEAVER WARRIOR: Uhng…
RED-EYES BLACK METAL DRAGON: ARGH!
DARK MAGICIAN: OUCHIE!
OBELISK: Uh… oops? Heh…
MANTIS: HUH!?
SNAKE: And since they were your monsters, you lose life points! HA-HA! C'mon, people! Point & laugh!
SNAKE & his CROWD: [point at Mantis] HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
MANTIS: NO!
SNAKE: Hmm… (4000-2800) + (4000-2500) + (4000-1200)= 5400!
MANTIS: NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
+++
SNAKE: 6100LP
MONSTERS:
Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF
Blue-Eyes White Dragon – 3000ATK 2500DEF
MANTIS: 3500LP
MONSTERS:
Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
Toon World
+++
SNAKE: And here's the real kick: I'm not done yet!
CROWDS: GASP!!!
MANTIS: Helluva turn.
SNAKE: Well, I'll play… Monster Reborn!
MANTIS: Fuck.
SNAKE: I call back the Annoying Ear Flick!
MANTIS: Huh…
EAR FLICK: [flips off Mantis]
MANTIS: Oh, yeah? [flips off the Ear Flick] Take that!
SNAKE: Oh, and Josh just rewarded me with something else!
MANTIS: Fuck this game!
SNAKE: Ooh! Here it is!
[The heavens opened and five sparkling cards floated down…]
SNAKE: HAH!
MANTIS: [puts his hands to his head] NOO! IT CANNOT BE!!!
SNAKE: YES IT CAN! I have just gotten these five cards three weeks ago… dueled you with 'em two weeks ago… told the shoe shiner to make 'em sparkle a week ago… anyway… I now have them back! I CALL ON EXODIA: THE FORBIDDEN ONE!!!
MANTIS: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
[Exodia pops out of that screenish-like thingy…]
EXODIA: HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-HAR-!!!
SNAKE: EXODIA!!! OBLITERATE!!!
EXODIA: GRR…
MANTIS: [is about to pull off his move when he stops] Um… no offense, but… uh… can I try doing something else?
SNAKE: Uh… sure!
EXODIA: Alright! [puts his hands back…] KAME-AME-HAME…
MANTIS: Oh, shit!
OBELISK: PLEASE SPARE ME, O GREAT FORBIDDEN ONE! PLEASE!!!
EXODIA: …AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HAME…
SNAKE: Just do it already!
EXODIA: …AME-HAME-AME-HAME-AME-HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!
[the Kameamehah blast is sent hurtling toward Mantis]
MANTIS' CROWD & OBELISK: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
SNAKE: It's over!
MANTIS: Yes… it's over… but for me… IT'S NOT!!! [slams down a card] THE S.O.S. DISTRESS CALL OF THE LONE WARRIOR!!!
[the Kameamehah blast is frozen in mid-air]
SNAKE: HUH!?
MANTIS: This is a special card… a card given to me by… him! [points toward a member of his audience – Dark Link (the "Ocarina of Time" Dark Link)]
DARK LINK: Yeah! Go, Mantis! EVIL ROCKS!
MANTIS' CROWD: Yeah! Go! [camera pans back, showing that in the audience is every single bad guy/girl/thing that existed in the known universe] Evil shall win this duel!!!
MANTIS: [bows] Thank you, thank you. Now… *ahem* This is a trap card. It activates once the opponent unleashes the hellish wrath of Exodia. In laymen's terms, it can be used anytime after the opponent has those five cards. It consists of three stages. The first was that Exodia… CAN'T… attack me with "Obliterate," the Kameamehah, or any other one-hit victory attack.
SNAKE: That's what happened just now!
MANTIS: Yes, but Stage One isn't over yet! It also turns Exodia into a regular monster, but it can combine its powers together.
SNAKE: Yay! So that means… [bluntly] …that it only has an attack strength of 1800, and its defense is 2200!
MANTIS: Well, at least you know math. Anyway, I'll explain the next two phases on my turn. MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!
SNAKE: [bluntly… again…] …which is right now.
MANTIS: Huh? You ended you turn?
SNAKE: Uh… yeah.
+++
SNAKE: 6100LP
MONSTERS:
Summoned Skull – 2500ATK 1200DEF
Blue-Eyes White Dragon – 3000ATK 2500DEF
The Annoying Ear Flick – 100ATK 100DEF
Exodia: The Forbidden One – 1800ATK 2200DEF
MANTIS: 3500LP
MONSTERS:
Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
Toon World
The SOS Distress Call of the Lone Warrior
+++
MANTIS: Well… on to Phase Two. Now, I get to search my deck for the card that will kick your ass! [immediately searches for the card that will kick Snake's ass]
SNAKE: NOO…
MANTIS: I found it!
SNAKE: [thinking] Please don't use it…
MANTIS: Well, I ain't using it 'til next turn. That is Part Three. Now just wait until you die, you rotten maggot.
SNAKE: Where is it? [draws his card] Shit! Well… I got no other choice… Annoying Ear Flick, sic dat Obelisk again!
OBELISK: Not again! Shit! [runs away, the Ear Flick in tow]
SNAKE: Oh, and since you don't have any monsters left… Blue-Eyes! Attack his Life Points with White Lightning!
BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON: ROARRRRRRR!!! [opens its mouth…]
MANTIS: Shit…
[the Blue-Eyes hologram crackles, and breaks]
ALL: HUH!?!?!?
SNAKE: What the… [looks where his card was laying] my Blue-Eyes card! It's gone! [looks behind him]
SETO KAIBA: Looking for this? [holds up Snake's Blue-Eyes and tears it in two]
ALL: GASP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
KAIBA: HAH! NOW I SHALL GET PAID MILLIONS BECAUSE I– ACK!!!
SNAKE: [choking Kaiba] GIVE ME YOUR BLUE-EYES… ALL OF THEM.
KAIBA: Okay, Okay! Geez! [hands over his Blue-Eyes…]
ME: [stands up & yells at Snake] USE PLAN "B!"
SNAKE: Right! [to Mantis] Well, you gay prick, you wanna know what "Plan B" is?
MANTIS: Uh… no.
SNAKE: Too bad! Well, I'll just play a Blue-Eyes!
BLUE-EYES WHITE DRAGON: ROARRR!
MANTIS: Fuck!
SNAKE: White Lightning!
BLUE-EYES: ROARRR! [attacks Mantis]
The blast pretty much blinded everyone, so one of my friends had to copy a Braille version of my script, xeroxed it a zillion times, and handed a copy out to everybody that needed a script. Which took about three days considering I couldn't find my loose change. Anyway… I got eye surgery and… NOW I CAN SEE!!!
SNAKE: HEY!
MERYL: I still can't see!!!
JOHNNY SASAKI: Yeah! Me, too!
MANTIS: Screw you three. Ninja and I can still see!
NINJA: YEAH! [back-flips into a spike pit currently located in the World of White, where the spikes look like "W's" and "V's" that were upside down…]
ME: And Ninja! Get the hell outta my script!
NINJA: Why?
ME: Hmm… Need I explain?
NINJA: Ohh… the porn… OKAY! [leaves]
…And so the Ninja left and everyone lived happily ever after. The End.
Well, it's over. But I think I forgot someone…
SNAKE: HELL, YEAH!
Yeah, I did… but wasn't there something else? Like some sort of Duel Monsters match or something?
MANTIS: NO SHIT!
Oh, what the hell… ANYWAY! *ahem* And it turned out that the blindness was actually a prolonged flash grenade. So basically, everyone turned out okay. Now my friend is being hunted down because people think he stole a Xerox machine. And I… shit… I wasted my $2.39 worth of CD's on that worthless eye surgery… LAWSUIT!!!
[insert the DBZ preview music…]
THAT NARRATOR DUDE FROM THE DRAGON BALL Z SERIES: On the last episode of How Metal Gear Solid Really Happened, there was a big explosion from a tiny flash grenade. The light has dimmed, and we see Psycho Mantis doing one of his evil British laughs…
LIQUID: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
NARRATOR: Uh… Right! And now, we'll see the psychic loser! MANTIS: SHADDUP! [voice changes to that of Darth Vader]
ME: Now if you have no idea what the fuck Star Wars is, get out! [realizes that some kids are now looking through this shockingly hilarious story after doing some Google.com or Ask.com search for "Star Wars" or "Blue-Eyes White Dragon" or "Metal Gear Solid" or something. NO! I've lost readers!]
MANTIS: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
NARRATOR: No- *gag* I- *gag* am- *gag* really *gag* sorry!
MANTIS: Yeah, right! [snaps the guy's neck] Now my last phase is complete! I can now bring out my anti-Exodia card that will lead me to victory!
ALL: GASP!
MANTIS: [turns to face me] Josh, what's with the crowds going, "GASP!" all the time?
ME: Budget cuts. Low wages. Total recall. Got it?
MANTIS: …uh-huh…
MERYL: Go, Snake!
MANTIS: Prepare to meet your doom! Prepare to face your defeat! Prepare to encounter the most powerful card in Duel Monsters history! Prepare to meet… RIAK KARASAWA!!!
[A person with the pen name of Riak Karasawa appears]
RIAK: What the hell? [????ATK ????DEF]
SNAKE: Now this is a toughie. How do I kill Mantis' Life Points without killing one of Josh's reviewers?
ME: Hmm… good question… well, Mantis can't attack until next turn. Snake, your move.
SNAKE: God, no… [draws] …yes! Swords of Revealing Light!
MANTIS: Damn…
SNAKE: Now I play Pot of Greed. [discards and draws two cards] Yay! I call my other Red-Eyes Black Dragon!
RED-EYES BLACK DRAGON: ROAR! [2400ATK 2000DEF]
RIAK KARASAWA: What happened?
ME: Well… I'm guessing that you're the Anti-Exodia unit.
RIAK: Cool.
MANTIS: Hey! Cheater! You summoned two monsters! The rules say that you can only call on one!
SNAKE: Yeah… but did you forget that we're still in the Shadow Realm, you prick?
MANTIS: So?
SNAKE: AND the fact that Josh is still helping me out?
MANTIS: Oh, no.
SNAKE: Oh, yes. Now I play… [slams a magic card down in the appropriate zone] Polymerization! Now I combine the Summoned Skull and the Red-Eyes to create…
[FFFFFFFFFLLLLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHH!]
SNAKE: …THE BLACK SKULL DRAGON!!!
BLACK SKULL DRAGON: ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [3200ATK 2500DEF]
RIAK: …okay… well… what's my attack power?
ME: 0.
RIAK: WHAT!?!?!?
ME: …BUT… there is an effect. You use the power of the ever-famous, cuddly-soft, purely plush 100% Cotton Floor!
RIAK: AND…
ME: …raises you attack power by 100. However, the Cotton Floor destroys all monsters that attacked. And it destroys all of the opponent's Magic & Trap Cards! AND Mantis is allowed to draw two cards! Okay, think of "After Genocide," "Harpie's Feather Duster," and "Pot of Greed" all in one! Not only that, but the Life Point damage will be affected!
RIAK: I AM POWERFUL! I AM INVINCIBLE! I AM ALMIGHTY!
[the effects are applied, and Snake's screwed… a little…]
MANTIS: YAH-HAH-HAH! Whatcha gonna do now, SNAKE???
SNAKE: Um… uh… I have no idea…
MANTIS: Well, that's good.
SNAKE: Well, I got Josh to back me up! Right?
ME: [blank stare]
SNAKE: NOO!
MANTIS: Hah. You're gonna lose.
SNAKE: Oh, yeah?
ME: Just go on with the script!
SNAKE: Oh, fine.
MANTIS: Fuck. I wasted a line.
ME: So did I.
+++
SNAKE: 3100LP
MONSTERS:
Exodia: The Forbidden One – 1800ATK 2200DEF
Black Skull Dragon – 3200ATK 2500DEF
MANTIS: 500LP
MONSTERS:
Obelisk the Tormentor – 4000ATK 4000DEF
Riak Karasawa – 100ATK 0DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
Toon World
+++
SNAKE: Grr… [draws and nearly faints] Oh, my gosh! I got a good card! I now play… this card! [places card face-down]
MANTIS: [draws] Now, Riak! Attack Exodia!
SNAKE: But his attack is low! You'll kill him!
MANTIS: Don't forget: Riak is the "Anti-Exodia Unit." Exodia is destroyed no matter what. Riak! Attack!
RIAK: HA! [pulls out a FAMAS and one of those shields used by the SWAT team – except it's made of cotton…]
EXODIA: Hah! No mere mortal can destroy me! [sees Riak running toward him with his large cotton shield] EXCEPT HIM!!! AAH! COTTON! [sneezes] MY ALLERGIES! ARRGGGHHHH!!!!!
[Riak just shoots him]
EXODIA: NOO!
SNAKE: NOO!
SNAKE'S CROWD: NOO!
MANTIS: YES! NOW FEEL THE PAIN!
SNAKE: HUH!?
MANTIS: Didn't I tell you? Once Exodia is destroyed, Riak Karasawa gains the attack and defense power of Exodia. And it gets to be doubled!
SNAKE: NO!
MANTIS: Oh, yes. Now face the wrath that is Riak! HA-HA!
SNAKE: Really? Well, then… face this! I play the Giant Soldier of Stone in Defense Mode!
GIANT SOLDIER OF STONE: [rumble] [1300ATK 2000DEF]
MANTIS: And what's that gonna do?
SNAKE: Buy me time to defeat you!
MANTIS: [sarcastically] Ooh… I'm scared! Snakey is gonna kick my poor little ass! Well, too bad! I play… the fabled Dark Magician Girl!
DARK MAGICIAN GIRL: Yeah! [2000ATK 1700DEF]
MANTIS: AND since my Dark Magician is in the Graveyard, my Dark Magician Girl gets a power boost of 300!
DMG: All right! [2300ATK 1700DEF]
MANTIS: Now, my Dark Magician Girl! Attack that rock!
DMG: Yaahh! [unleashes some dark energy]
GIANT SOLDIER OF STONE: NO! [is destroyed]
MANTIS: You don't have the guts to attack my Dark Magician Girl… now that I set these Magic & Trap Cards facedown!
SNAKE: Should I attack?
+++
SNAKE: 3100LP
MONSTERS:
Black Skull Dragon – 3200ATK 2500DEF
[FACE-DOWN] Man-Eater Bug – 450ATK 600DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
[FACE-DOWN] Monster Reborn
[FACE-DOWN] Yami
[FACE-DOWN] Dark Hole
[FACE-DOWN] Metal Detector
[FACE-DOWN] Harpie's Feather Duster
MANTIS: 500LP
MONSTERS:
Riak Karasawa – 3700ATK 4400DEF
Dark Magician Girl – 2300ATK 1700DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
Toon World
[FACE-DOWN] Waboku
[FACE-DOWN] Waboku
[FACE-DOWN] Dragon Capture Jar
[FACE-DOWN] Soul Exchange
+++
SNAKE: [to himself] Maybe I should… but what about those trap cards!?!?!? Nah… [draws] [still to self] Hmm… this card will do me well… heh-heh… [places the Magic Drain facedown and speaks] Your move, Mantis!
MANTIS: Well… it looks to me like you're dead. [flips over one of his cards] I play the Dragon Capture Jar! It forces all dragons into Defense Mode!
SNAKE: Oh, yeah? Well, I play Metal Detector! It activates when a Continuous Trap is played, such as that Dragon Capture Jar. Think of another strategy!!!
MANTIS: [mumbles to self] Shit. What would I do?
SNAKE: My move?
MANTIS: Nope! Riak! Attack the Black Skull Dragon!
RIAK: [pulls out some C4, sets it to 5 seconds, and hurls it toward the Black Skull Dragon]
SNAKE: Grr… [2600LP]
MANTIS: You think this is over!? Dark Magician Girl! Attack that face-down card!
DMG: Hi-yah! [does a drop kick onto the face-down card]
[the Man-Eater Bug turns the card over]
MANTIS: Oh, no!
SNAKE: Who cares about Life Points? For now… I decide to destroy… Riak Karasawa!
RIAK: HEY!!!
ME: Hold everything! [grabs one of those cool high-tech earpiece/microphone thingies that the Secret Service use] Hmm… Bakura!
SOMEONE in MANTIS' CROWD: What!?
ME: Use your Millennium Ring!
BAKURA: Name a price.
ME: Um… free pizza?
BAKURA: No, you dolt. I want something good… like that one DVD you gave Snake! That "Girls Gone Wild: MGS Style" DVD! I want that copy!
SNAKE: [quickly grabs his DVD and holds it like there's no tomorrow] NEVER!
ME: Fine… Snake, give it to him.
SNAKE: WHAT!?!?!?
ME: You heard me… give it.
SNAKE: Why? [gives it to Bakura]
BAKURA: YAY! Alright… well, I… what does my Ring do again?
ALL: [fall over animé-style]
ME: Well… in the show, didn't you summon a Man-Eater Bug when you, Tristan, and Mokuba were running from Pegasus' henchmen?
BAKURA: I still don't see the picture…
ALL: [fall over animé-style… again]
ME: Just do it or I'll give the DVD back to Snake!
BAKURA: Alright! Sheesh… Mantis, let me see the card.
MANTIS: Okay.
BAKURA: [starts chanting some mantra in Egyptian]
[a confused Riak Karasawa pops out of the card]
RIAK: Huh?
BAKURA: Okay. Job's done. Yo, Liquid! Raven! I got the DVD!
LIQUID: HOLY SHIT!
RAVEN: YAY! To Josh's big screen TV!
THE THREE: YAY!
ME: Hey! I forgot to deactivate…
*boom*
ME: …the… security… system…
MANTIS: Actually, you did. I just turned it on. Hah.
ME: You lose 200 life points!
MANTIS: FUCK!
+++
SNAKE: 750LP
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
[FACE-DOWN] Yami
[FACE-DOWN] Monster Reborn
[FACE-DOWN] Harpie's Feather Duster
MANTIS: 300LP
MONSTERS:
Dark Magician Girl – 2300ATK 1700DEF
MAGIC/TRAP CARDS:
[FACE-DOWN] Waboku
[FACE-DOWN] Waboku
[FACE-DOWN] Soul Exchange
+++
SNAKE: But… my DVD!
ME: YOU lose 700 Life Points!
SNAKE: NO!
[Life Point Standings: SNAKE: 50LP MANTIS: 200LP]
MANTIS: Your LAST move, Snake.
SNAKE: [evil grin appears as he finds out what he drew] You're right! It is my last turn… because you'll LOSE!
MANTIS: What!?
SNAKE: First, I'll play Harpie's Feather Duster!
MANTIS: Fuck.
SNAKE: Now I play… the Ritual of Chaos Black Magic!
MANTIS: HUH!?
SNAKE: I sacrifice these two cards from by hand to summon… the legendary Magician of Black Chaos!
MAGICIAN OF BLACK CHAOS: Man, I'm good! [2800ATK 2600DEF]
MANTIS: Pffh… If you attack my Dark Magician Girl, I'll still have 100 Life Points left. Then, I'll play Dark Hole, summon Battle Ox, and KILL you!!!
SNAKE: Think again! LOOK!
MANTIS: HUH!?
[the Dark Magician Girl is giving off that, "Oh! He's so strong and handsome!" look towards the magician]
DMG: [turns to Mantis] You know what? I hate you, Mantis. Give my card to Snake. [walks over toward Snake's field]
MANTIS: Oh, no.
SNAKE: Oh, yes! Now I play Monster Reborn! I summon the Dark Magician! Now, Magicians! Attack!
MANTIS: NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
REFEREE: Snake is declared the winner!
SNAKE: YAY!
MANTIS: BOO!
CROWDS: [cheer or boo depending on who favored who]
[Somewhere else…]
RAVEN: This DVD is good!
LIQUID: Oh… so Wolf doesn't use a push-up bra…
BAKURA: Man, this DVD is cool!
[…and back…]
SNAKE: Well, we're still friends, Mantis. [gets angry] Now, sinc we were playing by a modified version of the Battle City Rules, give me yor deck. [turns happy] Now, let's go Meryl.
MERYL: Okay.
MANTIS: I'll get revenge! I know where you live!
SNAKE: Whatever.
And so, Snake left to go to the Communications Towers.
THE END… …FOR NOW… MWAH-HAH-HAH!
WAIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm not done! Now, anyway, Contest 1 is over with no winners. I hate school!
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
1.) Check my Bio from time to time! Yeah, you'll learn about me and my hobbies. Also, I update it almost every other day by placing release dates on my next and latest chapters and maybe stories!
2.) REVIEW, GODDAMMIT! Please review!
3.) PREVIEW OF CHPATER 11! Yep, a little preview… It may not look like this, but I'll guarantee that Snake's line will appear in there!
MERYL: *bang* AGH! I'm hit!
SNAKE: Oh, my God! They shot Meryl! You bastard!
4.) THAT'S IT.
NOW LEAVE BEFORE I BANISH YOU INTO THE SHADOW REALM! AND KINDLY REVIEW! IF YOU ATTEMPT TO COPY THIS, YOU ARE SCREWED. SO DON'T DO IT! BYE!