HOW METAL GEAR SOLID REALLY HAPPENED
By Josh D. Blanco
© 2003 Josh D. Blanco
YO! It's me again!
First, let me apologize for the late update. Sorry!
If you haven't seen "The Twin Snakes" or the "Snake Eater" trailers (view both of each!), then don't just read this! Go do a Google.com search for the trailers, download, watch, and enjoy! I can't really put it on my web site – stupid bandwidth (Damn the Patriots!) – so you'll have to get it from someone else. Anyway…
If you forgotten, or if you are a lazy-ass on the chair hoping the author updates every day, look at my BIO!!! It's got major announcements… some of my personal info, yada, yada, yada…
[hears a person in the back say, "Josh sucks!"]
ME: ARGH! [grabs an AK, shoots the dude, goes through a crash course in anger management, and comes back]
Anyway… read!
DISCLAIMER:
Um… *sigh* …I'll never get to own Metal Gear Solid.
[Genomes #11 & 12 walk in]
GENOME #12: We still playing that "Pick Someone to Damn" game, Josh? Cause I LOVE it.
ME: Actually… we are.
GENOME #11: Yay! *ahem* "Damn the Patriots!"
[Solidus Snake from MGS2 walks in]
SOLIDUS: Hey! Buzz off! That's my line!
GENOME #12: "Damn Solidus!"
SOLIDUS: That's not funny.
ME: You guys suck. *ahem* "DAMN KOJIMA!"
ALL: YEAH! [give each other high fives]
ME: Actually, almost everything here isn't mine. 'Kay?
Chapter XI:
National Torture Day
ME: That was probably the longest disclaimer.
SOLIDUS: Hell, yeah!
[…and back to our daily scheduled program… the story?]
SNAKE: So there's this dyslexic guy that walks into a bra…
PAID AUDIENCE: HA-HA.
MERYL: [whispering to me] Does he even know that they're being paid to laugh?
ME: I don't think so…
SNAKE: [now realizes that the camera is on] HOLY SHIT!
LITTLE KIDS in the AUDIENCE: EEP!
MERYL: SNAKE! Stop cursing in front of the kids!
SNAKE: MERYL! ASSHOLE!
LITTLE KIDS: EEP!
ME: [to Raven] I thought you were the bouncer. Why'd you let these kids in?
RAVEN: I need to offer some animals for a ceremony.
ME: Um… hello? We are humans, Mr. Know-it-All.
RAVEN: [uses his famous monotone] No, we are Homo sapiens.
ME: Fuck you.
[a little boy talks to his parents]
RANDOM LITTLE KID: Mommy? What does "fuck" mean?
MOMMY: *GASP!* [faints]
SNAKE: [yells to the kid] That's another word for "sex."
RANDOM LITTLE KID: Hmm… okay.
[short pause]
RANDOM LITTLE KID: Daddy? What does "sex" mean?
DADDY: *GASP!* [faints]
SNAKE: It's the concept of making babies, kid!
RANDOM LITTLE KID: Okay.
SNAKE: Man, I'd make a good sex education teacher!
[sometime after the audience has left]
SNAKE: Um… Meryl? Where are we?
MERYL: Outside Mantis' room.
SNAKE: [hears wolf howling] I don't like the sound of that!
MERYL: Stop being a sissy.
SNAKE: I AM NOT A SISSY! …bitch.
MERYL: WHAT!? [pulls out her Desert Eagle]
SNAKE: Um… sorry? Heh-heh?
MERYL: Apology… NOT accepted! [shoots Snake]
SNAKE: ARRGGGHHHH!!!!! [dies]
MERYL: Whoops… again.
[some time later…]
SNAKE: [wakes up and finds himself inside the torture room, inside the cell] Huh? I'm not dead?
???: No shit.
[Liquid walks into the room]
SNAKE: What's the meaning of this?
LIQUID: Don't you remember? It's "National Torture Day!"
SNAKE: What's that?
ME: (O/C) Man, he's dense.
SNAKE: And what am I doing here? I appear here in Chapter 13! Y'know – Pablosky's chapter! [some guy appears, and whispers something in Snake's ear] Wait… I've just received word that Pablosky is not doing the chapter. Crap.
LIQUID: Who cares?
SNAKE: But he was one of Josh's supporters!
LIQUID: I know – but today is "National Torture Day!" Duh.
SNAKE: It's… National Torture Day…? I don't quite see… [gets the point] OH, MY GOD!!! NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!?!?!?
LIQUID: [covers ears] OW! Not so loud!
SNAKE: [yells from the top of his lungs – in his case, anyone within a two meter radius is deaf for 5 minutes] NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!?!?!? OH, MY GOD! EVERYONE! RUN!!! DON'T YOU KNOW? IT'S NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!!!
[…and whaddya know? Everyone heard it! From Shadow Moses…]
MERYL: What?
GENOME #11: [FYI: he's a good guy] National Torture Day!?
SNIPER WOLF: Oh, my God!
NINJA: It is!? Alright! [pulls out his katana]
MANTIS: YES! FUCKING SHOOTOUT FRENZY! [grabs a P90]
[…to the submarine USS Discovery…]
CAMPBELL: Oh, dear God…
NAOMI: [is playing DDRMAX2 when she hears Snake, faints in complete shock, and loses her chance to beat the Colonel's top score… 10…]
MEI LING: Oh, no! Now I'm gonna get shot! [is shot about a zillion times – in VR Training…]
CAPTAIN: What the…!? [hits his head on the periscope handle, resulting in a concussion that made his body hit the controls for the sub, making the Discovery swerve and hit an inconveniently placed brick wall located on the bottom of the ocean, causing one of the torpedo men to "accidentally" launch a nuclear-tipped torpedo toward some random location…]
[…and to Japan…]
MR. KOJIMA: I'm gonna kick that baka Josh's ass!
RANDOM KCEJ WORKER: RUN!!!
GODZILLA: ROAR? [Translation: Huh?]
MR. MIYAMOTO: [in case you got no idea who this guy is, he's one of the head honchos in Nintendo] AAH!
[…to the U.S. Mainland, where about a bunch of people live… me included… duh…]
ME: Oh, shit! [looks around and then gets beaten up by… well… everybody that beats me up…]
RANDOM U.S. FOOD SERVICE WORKERS THAT HAVE BEEN ON STRIKE: YES! LET "THE UNDER-COOKED FOOD FULL OF E-COLI" CONTEST BEGIN! YAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
[…and now it's over. The echo, I mean.]
SNAKE: So, how ya gonna torture me?
LIQUID: Dunno… maybe by using this! [pulls out some VR Training Manual]
SNAKE: [animé sweatdrop]
LIQUID: Ahem… …whoa, she's hot.
SNAKE: …huh?
LIQUID: Oh, I forgot to mention what's hidden behind the manual… [flips book around to reveal the latest issue of Playboy]
SNAKE: [sweating and acting defensive] …that's… …that's not right… …Liquid! It's… …not fair!
LIQUID: All's fair in love, war, and Playboy!
SNAKE: GRR… [breaks free of the torture device as crummy and cheesy heroic music is played via intercom]
LIQUID: What the hell!?
SNAKE: Gimme the Playboy!!! [is about to jump for it when…]
[a tranquilizer dart flies by and hits Snake on the chest]
LIQUID: Good work, Wolf!
WOLF: Anytime, hon. [winks & leaves]
LIQUID: [goes ga-ga and follows her]
SNAKE: [after pulling out the dart] It was only a magazine… [falls unconscious and – well – gets the dart in him again]
[…sometime later… …somewhere else…]
ME: Excuse me… um, hi. Me again. Anyway, I have no idea where Snake is. Er… he's not really here at the moment…
[Meryl goes up to him & whispers something in his ear]
ME: What!? He did!?
MERYL: [grim nod]
ME: That bastard! Well, anyway, we found him. In jail. Apparently, he found it fun to use my imaginary time machine to warp two chapters ahead to where he gets captured. AND THEN he used some… [to Meryl] …what again?
MERYL: [whispers]
ME: Oh. He got high using a marijuana joint that was stuffed with cocaine, dipped in PCP, laced with synthetic LSD, AND benzodiazepine. THEN he got drunk. Asshole. Well, Meryl, I guess we got no choice but to wait until all those side effects wear off.
MERYL: Super Smash Bros. Melee!
ME: Pffh… you're always Zelda! Why do you always win!?
MERYL: Dunno. You're just dead!
ME: Not if I pull out my GameShark!
MERYL: …well, you can't beat that.
[…15 minutes later…]
SNAKE: [is now back to normal, and out of jail since I paid the "expensive" bail of $2.35…] Whoo! Man, what happened?
MERYL: Um, you got… high… and… drunk?
SNAKE: [shocked] I did?
ME: [faints]
SNAKE: Hmm… maybe I should go to Wolf's place later and get some drug counseling. After I kill her.
MERYL: Um, that doesn't make sense. I mean, you killing her, then talking to her.
SNAKE: …I think I'm still high.
MERYL: …
GENOME #91: [walks in] Can we get a move on?
MERYL: Hold on… [looks at Snake, who's wielding his SOCOM toward Meryl AND Genome #91]
GENOME #91: Okay…
SNAKE: [fires at the poor Genome] Okay, now where were we?
MERYL: Um… well… it was when we were at those wolf caves.
WOLF-DOGS: *bark!* [run to Snake]
SNAKE: *gasp!* Wolves!? I'm scared!
MERYL: …geez… …and I thought "National Torture Day" couldn't get any worse…
WOLF-DOGS: [whine and run away right after Meryl says "National Torture Day"]
MERYL: What got into them? [starts walking]
SNAKE: Well, glad that's over. Now… where do we… um… go? YEAH! Hey, Meryl! Where do we go? …Meryl? Meryl…?
[Meryl is nowhere in sight]
SNAKE: Meryl, this ain't funny. Meryl?
*wolf howl*
SNAKE: [starting to get worried…] Meryl…?
[Codec rings & Snake answers]
MILLER: Snake, where are ya'?
SNAKE: Um… in some caves…
MILLER: …which ones…?
SNAKE: Y'know… the cave… with wolf-dogs…
MILLER: Any cave can have wolf-dogs. Now where the hell are you, you fucking lazy-ass?
SNAKE: [finally snaps] I DON'T FREAKING KNOW!!! RIGHT NOW, ALL I'VE BEEN DOING IS RUNNING AWAY FROM WOLF-DOGS, TRYING TO FIND THE COLONEL'S DAMN NIECE, SHOOTING THE GENOMES FOR NO REASON, AND LOOKING FOR A DAMN WAY OUT!!! OKAY!?!?!?
[silence]
MILLER: Hold on a sec. [grabs a radio] OCELOT!!!
OCELOT (VO): WHAT!?
MILLER: Where the fuck are the Genomes?
OCELOT (VO): Dunno. Ask Mantis.
MILLER: Okay. And… wait… …ya' still got your hand?
OCELOT (VO): Uh… yeah?
MILLER: Good. Liquid out. [switches radio frequencies]
??? (VO): …now, what you should really do… is confess to him that you love him. Got that?
MILLER: Mantis, I don't pay you to operate an advice hotline! Is that understood!?
MANTIS (VO): Well, Boss… san I say something?
MILLER: Uh, sure…
MANTIS (VO): You don't pay us at all.
MILLER: I don't? Uh… oh, yeah, huh?
MANTIS (VO): …right…
SNAKE: What?
MANTIS (VO): D'oh! Liquid! You idiot! You kept the Codec ON!?!?! Mother-fucking…
MILLER: Uh… …what Codec? [suddenly kills the communication]
SNAKE: Hmm… odd… oh, well.
[he receives another call]
CAMPBELL: Hey, Snake!
SNAKE: Colonel? I thought you were in some mental institution… how'd you get out?
CAMPBELL: Some 10-year-old kid named Timmy Turner sent a check for my bail money. Weird…
SNAKE: Wait… you mean some 10-year-old kid named Timmy Turner from the TV show Fairly Oddparents?
CAMPBELL: …yeah…
SNAKE: Did he say how he got the money?
CAMPBELL: [thinks hard] Uh… internet?
SNAKE: Okay… Now that you're back, I… …I got a slight problem… I kinda lost Meryl in the wolf caves… …um, yeah.
[complete utter silence]
CAMPBELL: WWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT!?!?!?!?!?
SNAKE: Um, I should go…
[cuts Codec]
SNAKE: Yo, Meryl! Where are ya?
[silence]
SNAKE: Meryl?
[more silence]
SNAKE: …Meryl?
[some more silence]
SNAKE: [calls me] Cut that out, Josh!
ME: What?
SNAKE: That – that – that silence thingy!
ME: Sorry. Can't.
SNAKE: Why not!?
ME: Oh, nothing. ["sneezes"] "National Torture Day!"
SNAKE: Damn…
[cuts link]
SNAKE: MERYL!!!
[a gun click is heard, followed by…]
???: Freeze!
SNAKE: Huh? [puts his hands up]
???: Don't move!
SNAKE: Why me?
???: Why you? Well, you're the hero. I'm just a lousy Genome. You get the girls, I get photos. They probably gave you a hefty sum of cash, and I don't even get paid.
SNAKE: Stop rambling and start shooting!
???: Nah. [slaps Snake's shoulder] C'mon, Snake. Lighten up, man. [steps in front of Snake]
SNAKE: #11!?
GENOME #11: Yep! It's me!
SNAKE: Why'd you do that?
GENOME #11: Duh. "National Torture Day." [leaves]
SNAKE: Oh.
MERYL: SNAKE!
SNAKE: MERYL! Thank goodness you're safe!
MERYL: [slaps Snake on his face]
SNAKE: OW! What was that for?
MERYL: For ditching me!
SNAKE: Pffh… No, I did not.
MERYL: Yes, you did!
SNAKE: No, I did not!
MERYL: You did!
SNAKE: Did not!
MERYL: Did too!
SNAKE: DID NOT!
MERYL: DID TOO!
[someone emerges from the shadows]
ME: For the love of God, shut the hell up!
SNAKE & MERYL: [shut up]
ME: Jeez. Now, I have no choice but to punish both of you since it's "National Torture Day." I'm really sorry. Actually, hold the phone… Nah, I ain't sorry at all.
MERYL: [almost looks brokenhearted] But Josh!!! Why me?
ME: Hmm… [pretends to think hard] …Don't know, don't care.
MERYL: C'mon… please!?!?!? [gives Josh an irresistible puppy-eyes look] Pretty please? With a cherry on top?
ME: I hate cherries.
MERYL: …oranges?
ME: Too acidic.
MERYL: A movie?
ME: Does it involve anything to do with your childhood?
MERYL: NO!
ME: …
MERYL: [dejectedly] …yes…
ME: Too bad. REX!
[a cute little wolf-dog puppy walks out of the shadows]
MERYL: Aww… he's so cute!
ME: [insert evil grin] Think again.
MERYL: Huh?
ME: Snake, slap Meryl.
SNAKE: WHAT!?
ME: You heard me, Snake. Slap her.
MERYL: [cringes]
SNAKE: I can't. I don't want to hurt her.
ME: Slap her.
SNAKE: No!
ME: Do it.
SNAKE: NO!!!
ME: I SAID DO IT, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SHIT!
SNAKE: LIKE HELL I WILL! I AM NOT GOING TO SLAP HER, AND THERE'S NO WAY YOU'LL MAKE ME!
ME: [pulls out a folded paper and gives it to Snake]
SNAKE: [opens it] *GASP!* An authentic, Playboy centerfold of Sniper Wolf! Alright! I'll do it! [slaps Meryl]
MERYL: OWIE!
SNAKE: Now what?
MERYL: [starts crying] …d-d-do you… *sob* …kn-n-now how m-m-much… *sob* …that hurt m-m-m-me, S-s-s-snake? *sob*
ME: Look what you did, Snake! Meryl, I want you to whistle.
MERYL: …w-w-what… *sob* …g-g-g-good would that d-d-do?
ME: Just do it!
MERYL: [slowly stops crying] …well… …um… …okay… [whistles]
[Rex the wolf-dog pup starts chewing on Snake's leg]
SNAKE: Aah! Rabies! It burns!
ME: Feel better?
MERYL: *sniffle* Actually, yeah!
SNAKE: Wolf, you got any rabies shots available?
[voice is heard O/C]
WOLF: Uh, no, Snake.
SNAKE: AAGH!
MR. KOJIMA: CUT! Snake, Rex ain't infected.
SNAKE: But, this wolf-dog IS infected!
WOLF: Hey, don't look at me!
MR. KOJIMA: Fine, you wuss. [yells off-stage] Props!
PROPS GUY: What?
MR. KOJIMA: Get Rex off the set.
REX: [sadly whines… aww, how sad!]
MR. KOJIMA: LIGHTS!
LIGHTS GUY: What?
MR. KOJIMA: Change the lights. We need "infrared vision."
LIGHTS GUY: 'Kay.
MR. KOJIMA: FOOD!
FOOD GUY: WHAT?
MR. KOJIMA: #2 at In 'N Out.
MERYL: Let's just get on with the scene.
MR. KOJIMA: "National Torture Day" rules!
[…out to the Underground Passageway…]
SNAKE: [shiver] …uhh…
MERYL: Snake, watch out! There's claymore mines out here!
SNAKE: Uh-huh. Like there is any! [walks out…]
[claymores blow up]
SNAKE: [after falling on his ass in pain] OW! What the!?
MERYL: Told you, "Mr. I-Don't-Believe-You."
SNAKE: I HATE THIS "NATIONAL TORTURE DAY!!!"
*record scratches*
[glass shatters]
ME: [starts sniffling] …b-b-b-but… I-i-i-i-i-i t-t-thought…
SNAKE: So what?
MERYL: [elbows Snake] Snake! You idiot! "National Torture Day" is NOT over yet! Stubborn jackass!
SNAKE: [worriedly] …um, it… [gulp] …isn't?
ME: [still sniffling] Snake's gonna die. [grabs a radio] WOLF!!! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!?!?!?
WOLF (VO): Yeah?
ME: Get Snake in your crosshairs and don't fire until I give the order! Got it?
WOLF (VO): Affirmative. Wolf out! [radio static]
(Meanwhile, at Wolf's position…)
WOLF: …heh, heh, heh… say "Goodnight," Snake…
(…and back… …man, why do I even do the "And back…" thing?)
ME: Don't make me!
SNAKE: Well, I hate it! I mean, isn't there someone else you can torture… like her? [pushes Meryl in front of him]
ME: [all fast] NO!
SNAKE: [evil grin]
LIQUID: [walks in w/ an evil grin]
MANTIS: [evil grin as well – although we can't see it]
ME: What's with the… grins…?
SNAKE, LIQUID, MANTIS: [make eye gestures referring to Meryl and me]
ME: [gets the picture] What the!? You guys actually think I like Meryl? Are you insane? [to Meryl] Uh, no offense.
MERYL: [crosses her arms] None taken.
ME: I'm a freaking 14-year-old! She's… what? In her 20's? That obviously wouldn't look right, you goddamn hentais*!
(A/N: Hentai is Japanese for "pervert")
MERYL: Bastards! [slaps each of them – although Mantis "warped" away and forced Meryl to grab Snake's thermals]
ME: […snaps… …again… …which is bad… …very bad…] You think I'm the type of guy every girl likes? Hell, no! I'm just an ordinary 14-year-old Freshman who writes stories like this, listens to video game music, has zero strength, can't last a second under a severe beatdown, suffers from a "disease" commonly know as "Insanity," and has a reputation of being an idiot! You think girls like that? Do ya'? HUH!?
SNAKE, LIQUID, MANTIS: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!
SNAKE: Okay! I'll admit it! "National Torture Day" rocks!
LIQUID: Amen to that, dear brother!
MANTIS: [grabs his script, read ahead, drops it in sheer panic, and floats away to the comfort of his room]
ME: Wha-?
SNAKE: [to Liquid] Dude, he doesn't know!
LIQUID: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
ME: How'd I get tortured?
SNAKE: Psychologically and emotionally.
LIQUID: You see, you stupid young chap, we made you write what's called "Self-Depreciating Humor." And to you bloody dumbasses in the bloody audience, that means he insulted himself. Bloody shitheads.
ME: ARGH! [grabs the radio] WOLF!
WOLF (VO): What?
ME: Forget Snake! Shoot whoever you see! NOW!
WOLF (VO): …but… what about you!?
ME: Don't worry. I'm being shielded be the electromagnetic thingy created by… THE PATRIOTS!!!
WOLF (VO): Well, that explains how you keep surviving… okay. Wolf out.
(…mere seconds later…)
*bang*
ME: Oh, no.
*bang*
SNAKE: HUH!?
*bang*
LIQUID: Wolf's gone mad! Run! [runs away]
*bang*
MERYL: Huh?
*bang*
MERYL: [gets hit] AGH! I'm hit!
*bang*
MERYL: [hit again] UHNG! Again!
*bang*
SNAKE: Oh my God! She shot Meryl! [looks @ me] YOU BASTARD!
*bang*
ME: What!?
*bang*
MERYL: Josh! How… could you…!
*bang*
ME: [grabs the radio] WOLF! STOP!
[the gunfire DOES NOT cease]
ALL: AAH!
(…two hours later…)
[the Earth is in total chaos]
ME: EVERYONE!!! STOP!!!
[…and all the king's horses & all the king's men stopped…]
ME: Okay… tally count. Who got tortured… [grabs a list and prepares to read that list of people that got tortured…]
[the list…]
ME: Duh. Beatdowns… "Self-Depreciating Humor…"
SNAKE: Claymores, Playboy, Wolf-Dogs
MERYL: Just got shot
GENOME #91: Dead…
MANTIS: …um… …don't know, don't care.
ME: Snake, for insulting my "National Torture Day," you shall have to go over the mountains, through the woods, under the tables, through the minefield, past the wolf-dogs, in-between the enemy Genomes, cross the trap holes, and slip past cameras just to grab a PSG1. Well, normally, I'd allow you to use the infamous 4th Dimension, but I closed it off. Ha-ha. Well, see ya'! [leaves]
SNAKE: WHAT!? [calls Campbell] Colonel! I can't do that!
CAMPBELL: Well, you gotta do it. Otherwise that Sniper Wolf centerfold blows up.
SNAKE: DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL, JOSH! [leaves]
(…somewhere else…)
ME: [on the radio] Hello, "Insane-Behind-The-Scenes-Manipulator-Whose-Name-Will-Forever-Remain-Anonymous-Until-The-Plot-Screws-Up-Even-More!" This plotless story of mine has finally been updated! …yes, I got footage of Snake insulting me… It's all under wraps… …okay, it's not… but oh, well… MWAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH-HAH!!!
Weird… Well, at least I got this up. Again, I am VERY SORRY about the long update.
ANNOUNCEMENTS:
1.) MERRY CHRISTMAS!
2.) HAPPY NEW YEAR!
3.) SEE YA' IN 2004!
4.) DAMN THE PATRIOTS!
Thanks for reading, and remember: Review!