Author's Note: From now on, everything that happens will be ficticious. My own story ends here, but why should I do the same to Jimmy and Yves? In the following intermezzo and the next chapter, I'm trying to evaluate the character of the guy in question and then "femalize" it and put the whole thing into Yves. I know that Yves has been (and probably will be) out of character throughout this story, and I sincerely apologize for that. But if I change anything, then this story will REALLY make no sense whatsoever. After all, I just wrote it to figure out my own situation...
Disclaimer: Same as last time: Not mine. The song at the end is, though. But it's only an excerpt, not the whole text.
I am confused. I am deeply confused, and that is a rare thing. Usually I can handle each and every situation, no matter how tricky. But this time it's different.
Because it's about Jimmy.
Jimmy, Jimmy, and always Jimmy. He is the only man who can make me feel like an eighteen-year-old again. He makes me fall back into this old pattern of flirting, trying, playing, and retreating. I used to be a straightforward person. I used to say honestly whatever was on my mind. Why can't I this time?
People often say I am a beautiful woman. And therefore they expect me to behave like one. They see me and think, "I'm sure she's having boys at her fingertips." But this has never been the case. When I am in a relationship, I no longer notice any other men.
In fact, I never endured very long in a relationship. This has of course to do with what I do. As a matter of fact, I cannot recall the last time I was really in love. I've had some men, but I guess I was in fact only looking for the one man I belong to. Looking for the one man who sees me in a different light. The one man who likes me for what I am, who knows about my errors and faults, who understands the way my mind works, and who still loves me for what I am.
Looking for someone like Jimmy.
I know that Jimmy has at least had a serious crush on me since the first day we met. I can still picture him staring at me. And as the months went by, we grew to be a good team. We even became friends. But then the guys died, and with them, the link between us broke.
Funny how vividly this memory is playing on. In fact, I do not know why I reacted so strangely to Jimmy. Why did I never answer his calls? Why did I refuse to keep up the contact after the guys died? God knows Jimmy tried. I remember how good it felt to hear his voice. But it was always he who called, and some time later, he stopped calling. And I lived on from day to day, as I always had, trying to ban the thoughts of him from my mind. But my subconscious will not let me forget, of course. I cannot count the times I have dreamed of Jimmy.
Seeing him again that night in the club was heaven and hell, all in one. Just one look at him, and everything came back. I guess he felt it, too. The way he looked at me, the way his eyes shone with joy, the way he held me…
I was not as drunk as I pretended to be; in fact, I was almost sober. But playing drunk seemed the only way to give Jimmy a sign and yet keep him at a sort of distance. I was torn apart; in fact, I still am. It is so different with Jimmy. I do not want to lose him, but past experience has shown that I seem to have a talent to lose the men I love – or whom I think I love. So I figured it would be better not to let Jimmy into my heart at all. The less we share, the less there is to miss when it is over.
Only it does not work like this. I had not planned to kiss him, but when I saw him, I was so overwhelmed by my feelings… I guess I always knew that this was bound to happen, and I think Jimmy knew it as well. He was startled, of course, but he was not exactly surprised. For these few seconds, we were like one person. We just connected.
But I had to withdraw. I could not allow myself to stay with him – God knows I would have loved to. My feelings for Jimmy are so precious that I almost fear to ever say them out loud. This thing between us is so special that I sometimes fear it is only an illusion. And this illusion may burst, should we ever decide to go out together. What if this "special" feeling is in fact only plain sexual attraction?
Jimmy called me, and I almost agreed to meet him. But then I couldn't. I just couldn't. I did not lie to him, though; I really have a lot to do. But every time I hear his voice, it cuts like a knife. I can see how hard he tries not to get on my nerves, not to call too often, not to push me into anything… and all the time I know very well that he is probably dying to finally get an answer… an explanation… some statement about my behavior. And I cannot give him what he needs. No one deserves the truth more than Jimmy, and still I just can't. For telling the truth would mean telling him everything.
No, I cannot risk to surrender. How does that saying go… Be careful what you wish for, because you might get it.
May Jimmy keep his perfect image of me. May he keep his dream. He deserves a woman who is not in constant fear of losing him again. I wish him only the best, but I know that he is never going to find in me what he is looking for. Maybe we are too different, after all.
And still I do not want him to find somebody else. Still I want him to keep trying. His faithfulness is what keeps me alive. As long as he does not stop trying, there is a slight chance that the thing between us really is something special. But one day, he will think there is no chance left for him, and he will give up. And then I will know that it was my own fault, that I gave away the chance of my life.
Grant me the chance to redeem what I did
Don't punish me too hard
The traitor is regretful
Grant me the chance to explain what I did
Don't play your final card
'Cause justice is forgetful
I plead for a suspended sentence
Let me find a way back to you
I am Judas on probation
I deserve a second chance
How I hate this situation
Give me just a second glance
End Note: It's pretty difficult to express what I mean. I hope this sounds at least a little bit logical. Keep a look out for the last chapter…